Hermione Writes Bad Fanfiction

Hermione sat in Gryffindor common room, twirling a frizzy strand of hair through her fingers as she stared contemplatively into the flickering fireplace. Her bottom lip was turned out in a small pout.

She flinched as the portrait of the Fat Lady snapped open, revealing Ron with windswept fiery red hair.

"Hey, Hermione." He stamped his boots, knocking droplets of water onto the rug. "Quite a storm out there." He shrugged off his dripping jacket and sank onto the couch next to her. With a groan, he reluctantly pulled out his Potions textbook and parchment.

Hermione gave a melodramatic sigh. Ron remained hunched over his homework. She sighed again.

"Alright, I give up." Ron closed his book. "What is it?"

"Ron…" She bit her lower lip and shuffled in her seat. A small crease formed over her brow. "Ron…" she repeated.

"I haven't gone anywhere."

She pulled in a tight breath. "Ron, I have a confession to make."

He scooted closer to her. "Oh yeah, sure, what is it?"

She stared down at her clasped hands on her lap. Eventually, she said in a trembling voice, "You know how we've been through a lot together, right?"

He scoffed. "I know, right? If I see ONE more spider I swear I'm just going to use the Killing Curse on it."

"Well…" She leaned her head on his shoulder. "And we trust each other, right?"

"Of course." He shifted to face her and slid his hand to the curve of her neck. "Why would you even have to ask that?"

"Oh, nothing." She forced out a nonchalant laugh. "Just teenage insecurities, I guess."

He moved his hand from her neck to wrap it around her shoulder. "Now, what was that confession you were going to make?"

Her heart fluttered. "It's just…" Steeling herself, she forced out the words in a rush. "I WRITE FANFICTION."

His eyes shifted. "What?"

"Fanfiction. I write it all the time. About-" she nearly choked on the word, "-us."

He tried to be understanding. "What do you mean, 'us'?"

"As in, I write, you know… slash fic… erotic slash fic… sometimes VERY erotic slash fic involving," she counted off on her fingers, "you and me being locked in the dungeons, and elf fetishes, and illogical uses of broomsticks, and sticking wands where they definitely SHOULD NOT be stuck-"

"Okay, okay, okay, I get the picture. I, uh," he laughed, "wow, Hermione. Just wow."

"Oh my wizard god I'm so sorry, Ron, I shouldn't have said that, should I? I mean, we're FRIENDS and I don't want to ruin that but I-"

"Wait, wait, slow down, frizzy head." He stroked her hair. "Sorry I laughed, I was just surprised; I didn't know you felt that way about me. The truth is…" He briefly looked down then stared up at her from under his eyelashes. His brown eyes held such angst and desire that her stomach dropped to her toes. "I feel the same way."

And then they totally started making out but deeply and herimone magiced the doors locked adn he was all oh yeah and she was like mmhm and Draco walked out of teh fireplace wearing tight leather patns and he said room for one more so hremione magiced off all their clothes cus shes so good at magic then ron grabbed

"Hermione?" Ron asked.

"Meep!" She hastily flipped over the paper on which she had been writing. Her face turned bright scarlet.

"What are you doing?" Ron had finished his Potions homework; he tucked away his textbook and lugged out the Transfiguration scrolls.

Her eyes were as wide as dinner plates. Frozen like a deer in headlights, she slowly said, "Nothing."

He shrugged and hunched back over his work.

With a suspicious glance at him, Hermione grabbed her quill and started writing again.

grabbed dracos wand if you know what I mean…

[Author's Note: Oh god! Am I in a fanfiction? Now that you've laughed your wands off (if you know what I mean) then you're probably in the mood for something dramatic. If you're a fan of Half-Life and Portal, check out my other story, Between Minds. If you want a short, comedic Portal fanfic, try the Rules, by Cave Johnson.]