Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
By Project H
Part 5
*Forest*
Ron: Treacherous little bleeder. Can we suddenly not trust weird strangers?
Scabior: Hi
Ron: I choose to trust this guy
Scabior: Hello beautiful
Hermione: *Giggles* You think I'm beautiful?
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Disapparate. No wait, they run. Good plan*
Scabior: Snatch 'em! Do you guys think that is working as a catch phrase? Would you wear a t-shirt that says that?
Snatchers: *Chase*
Hermione: Moustachio!
Harry: *Is hit in the face*
*Meanwhile, in a dark tower*
Voldemort: Tell me, Grindelwald. Tell me where it is
Grindelwald: I don't have one. I just go in the corner
Voldemort:...I meant the Elder Wand
Grindelwald: But of course. I knew one day you'd come. And I have so few visitors here. Did you bring me chocolates?
Voldemort: That depends, do you have the wand?
Grindelwald: The Elder Wand lies buried in the earth. Well, not buried, but there's this weird looking rock on it. Dumbledore!
Voldemort: Nyah! Oh, but before I go, I just wanted to say what a huge fan of yours I was. The muggle murders – classic! I had pictures of you on the walls of my torture dungeons when I was a teenager
Grindlewald: Thank you. And about those chocolates...
Voldemort: Ate them on the way over *Flees*
Grindlewald: Hmm, he sure makes escaping look easy. I wonder why I never tried climbing out that open window...
*Back at the forest*
Harry: *Is growing a moustache* The Hallows exist! Voldemort will have the Elder Wand by the end of the night! Also, I'm not going to ask why you shot a spell at my face
Snatchers: *Grab them*
Scabior: Let's see what we've got here. You, debonair man with the fancy moustache, what's your name?
Harry thinking: Fake name. Give them a fake name
Harry: Vernon Dudley
Scabior: And you, my lovely?
Hermione: What do you think is the most beautiful thing about me?
Scabior: Just tell me your name
Hermione thinking: Fake name. Give them a fake name
Hermione: Penelope Clearwater
Scabior: That's better
Hermione: Do you think I'd look better if I wore my hair up?
Scabior: What about you, ginger?
Ron thinking: Fake name. Give them a fake name
Ron: Harry Potter
Harry: Moron!
Scabior: You can't be Harry Potter. You look even less like him than your moustached friend with the lightning bolt scar on his head. Hang on a second...
-
*Malfoy Manor*
Bellatrix: *Holding Harry's head* Well Draco, is it him?
Draco: I can't be sure
Lucius: Look closely, son. If we are the ones to hand Potter over to the Dark Lord, everything would be forgiven. All would be as it was. You could go back to teasing mudbloods at school, and I could go back to not eating bugs out of my hair
Bellatrix: Come on sweetie, get a good, close look. Really get in there and tell me if you like what you see. And after that, take a look at that kid and work out if it's Potter
Draco: I don't think so. Harry doesn't have a dashing moustache
Bellatrix: Or maybe he ran into a moustache jinx. Was it you, dearie?
Hermione: Psst, Fenrir, has Scabior ever mentioned me?
Fenrir: Only that when the job is done I can feast on your corpse
Hermione: Aww, he's so sweet
Bellatrix: *Gasps* What is that?
Snatcher: The ginger? He was with them in the forest
Bellatrix: The sword!
Snatcher: Also with them. Reckon it's mine now, since no one here will want it or try to fight me for it
Bellatrix: *Attacks*
Snatcher: Alright, we'll go halfsies
Bellatrix: Go! Get out!
Snatcher: 70-30?
Bellatrix: Cissy, put the boys in the cellar...
Narcissa: Ugh. Not again
Bellatrix: No, not for that. They may remain clothed. I just want to have a little conversation with this one, girl-to-girl. We'll paint each other's nails, watch a sad film, and TORTURE HER UNTIL SHE BEGS FOR MERCY!
Hermione: Well that sounds delightfu- wait, what was that last one?
-
*Cellar*
Ron: What are we going to do?
Harry: Oh please, Ron, we're in a cellar. Time to enjoy some vintage wine
Luna: Ron? Harry?
Harry: Luna? You're here in a Death Eater stronghold surrounded by liquor?
Ron: Classic Luna
*Meanwhile, at the fun slumber party*
Bellatrix: What else did you steal from my vault?
Hermione: *Crying* Nothing. I swear I always had an antique vase with 'Bellatrix' engraved on it
Bellatrix: Why did you have the sword?
Hermione: Is it almost time for the nail-painting?
-
*Back in the cellar*
Ron: We have to do something
Ollivander: There's no way out of here. We've tried everything
Ron: So we can't break down the door?
Ollivander: There's a door?
Ron: Well whatever our next move is, it needs to be well thought-out and sensible
Harry: *Takes out mirror and starts talking to it*
Luna: Oh, you do that too?
Wormtail: *Comes downstairs* Alright, get back!
Ron: Peter, can't you help us? Remember how well I treated you when you were my rat. I always gave you my left-overs from dinner. After my brothers had their pick. And our family dog. And the bacteria
Wormtail: You, ugly goblin, come with me
Ron: You heard him, Luna
Griphook: I think he meant me *Leaves with Wormtail*
Dobby: *Appears*
Harry: Hooray! The mirror sent the incompetent elf who keeps almost killing me
All: Hooray!
Harry: Alright, I've formulated a plan, utilising the special skills of every person here. We've got the elderly wand-maker, the delusional nutcase, the elf, the Boy-Who-Lived, and whatever Ron is
Dobby: Or Dobby could apparate everyone out of this room
Harry: Yes, that was my exact plan. Dobby apparates us out, and the rest of us try not to screw that up somehow
Dobby: Meet me at the top of the stairs in ten seconds *Apparates*
Harry: Well if we could do that we wouldn't need a bloody elf
Ron: I have an idea. Hey Peter, you suck!
Peter: What? Well I'm going to open this gate and give you a piece of my mind *Opens gate*
Dobby: *Does something*
Peter: Ow! I'm hurt but not dead *Collapses*
-
*Upstairs*
Bellatrix: You weren't doing your job, goblin! Who stole it? It didn't walk out on its own
Griphook: To be fair, with all the magic and wonder of this world, is a walking sword really that crazy an idea?
Bellatrix: Shut up
Griphook: Whatever. Those earrings aren't real diamond by the way
Bellatrix: But the Dark Lord gave them to me!
Harry: Expelliarmus!
Bellatrix: *Loses wand*
Harry: Stupefy!
Lucius: *Stupefied*
Ron: Great. I'll help when I feel like it
Bellatrix: Got a knife to the mudblood's throat!
Harry: That's not a spell...oh
Bellatrix: Lucius, call the Dark Lord! And do it as slowly and dramatically as you can
Lucius: You're in for it now Potter...I'm going to roll up my sleeve...and snarl at you...hover my hand above my arm...snarl at you...wait, I'm going to sneeze...no, false alarm...snarl at you again...lower my hand and- OH NO LOOK OUT!
Chandelier: *Crash*
Chandelier's family: *Mourns their loss*
Harry: *Grabs wands from Draco*
Draco: Bah! You've practically disarmed me!
Bellatrix: Stupid elf! You could have killed me
Dobby: Dobby didn't mean to hurt Bellatrix. Dobby was trying to kill Harry Potter. It's the only way Dobby knows how to help him
Harry: I appreciate that. Quick let's leave immediately before they have a chance to attack us again
Dobby: Not yet. Dobby wants to let Bellatrix know how happy he is. How Dobby has achieved everything he ever wanted. That for the first time ever, things are going Dobby's way. Dobby is a free elf. A free, and very much alive elf. And is not stabbed in the stomach *Apparates*
Bellatrix: *Throws knife*
-
*Beach*
Harry: Is everyone alright? Is anyone stabbed?
Ron: Nope
Hermione: No
Harry: Great. Everybody's safe. Not a single person is hurt
Dobby: Harry Potter...
Harry: Oh dear. Don't worry, Hermione will have something in her bag. Hermione?
Hermione: *Is paralysed with concern, or something*
Dobby: Dobby caught Bellatrix's knife, and was trying to stab Harry Potter. To help him. But Dobby missed, and hit Dobby. Such a beautiful place to be with friends. The water, the sand, the elf blood. Dobby is happy to be with his friend...Ron Weasley. Dobby never told Ron how much he meant to him
Harry: For someone with a fatal wound, you sure take a long time to die
Dobby: Goodbye Ron Weasley. Goodbye Harry Potter. Dobby will never forget how Harry Potter saved him from the Malfoys...and eventually lead to Dobby's death *Dies*
Harry: I want to bury him
Hermione: Sure Harry. We'll give Dobby a proper funeral
Harry: I was talking about Ron. But sure, we'll bury Dobby too
-
*Dumbledore's tomb*
Voldemort: Hello Albus, I thought I'd come and pay my respects. By which I mean STEAL YOUR WAND! Also that nice watch
Pius: Can we go now? I'm cold
Voldemort: Shut up, Pius
THE END
Author's note: A sincere thank you to everyone who read and reviewed this story, despite it taking far too long to come out. I am about one quarter of the way through Part 2 but should hopefully have it ready to go in a few weeks. Until then, I may have another story coming to fill the gap.
Thanks again, and see you for Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2!