tentacleTherapist began pestering turntechGodhead
tt: Dave.
tt: Has is occurred to you how fantastically improbable all of this is?
tg: you are going to have to be more specific
tg: i mean
tg: improbable is pretty much everything in this fucking game
tg: like the universe took one look at probability
tg: and thought
tg: i dont want any of that shit
tg: and just fucking hurled it out of a window
tg: as far as it would go
tg: so hard it went into orbit
tg: but the universe just couldnt take that
tg: not far enough bro
tg: so it sent this game out like some crazy rocket
tg: boosting probability right into deep space
tg: floating among the galaxies and shit
tg: but the universe is still throwing some hissy fit
tg: because that still wasnt fucking far enough
tt: I'll take that as a yes.
tt: I'm trying to be serious here, Dave.
tg: what
tg: holy shit
tg: someone hold the front page
tg: lalonde is being serious
tt: Something very strange is going on.
tg: lalonde im only going to say this once more
tg: everything is strange
tg: this isnt news to anyone
tg: normality is something which went away a while ago
tg: got in a taxi headed the fuck elsewhere
tg: you probably werent that familiar with it anyway
tg: didnt even wave it goodbye
tg: but its long gone now
tg: too late
tg: you should have got to know it when you had the chance
tt: Dearest brother.
tt: Shut up and listen.
tg: whoa
tg: dont call me that
tt: Dearest?
tg: no
tg: i dont give a fuck about your passive aggressive bullshit
tt: Then what?
tg: look
tg: lalonde
tg: you might be tolerable and all
tg: but i am not
tg: repeat not
tg: your brother
tt: Hasn't John told you?
tg: egbert spun some crazy story alright
tg: about slime or whatever
tg: but its bullshit
tt: It sounded fairly convincing to me.
tg: if there is one thing i am certain of
tg: it is that egbert
tg: john
tg: fucking
tg: egbert
tg: played absolutely no role in my conception
tt: Really?
tg: dont even start with the psychoanalysis bullshit again
tt: I wasn't going to.
tg: yeah right lalonde
tg: like youre going to pass up a comment like that
tg: you once spent half an hour telling me about the freudian implications of my favourite breakfast cereal
tg: there is no fucking way youre going to pass up a comment like that
tg: just get it the fuck over with
tg: say it already lalonde
tg: what stupid phallic metaphor did i invoke this time
tg: apart from the obvious one
tg: but that wasnt even a metaphor
tg: so its clearly way too obvious for you
tg: come on youre killing me here
tg: fucking answer me lalonde
tg: rose
tt: I actually wasn't going to start psychoanalysing you.
tt: Although your reaction is fascinating.
tt: I merely paused to make a note of it for some future discussion.
tg: fuck
tg: not the future discussion
tg: i dont give a fuck about that
tg: but if youre passing up a chance to tell me how much i secretly love dicks
tg: then either youve thought of something more annoying to do
tg: if thats even physically possible
tg: or
tg: fuck
tg: you really are being serious
tg: arent you
tg: fuck
tg: rose
tg: fuck it
tg: what happened
tg: noones dead
tg: right
tg: fuck
tt: To the best of my knowledge, John and Jade are physically fine.
tt: As am I, obviously.
tt: My issue lies with our metaphysical wellbeing.
tg: fuck it lalonde
tg: you could have just fucking said that
tg: i almost flipped my shit right there
tg: were talking olympic standard
tg: like some preteen girl in a skimpy leotard
tg: audience falls silent
tg: some shitty soundtrack playing
tg: fucking tchaikovsky or something
tg: jumping right up in the air
tg: pulls some crazy upside down spinning top moves
tg: sticks the landing
tg: everyone completely silent for a second just in total awe
tg: then the crowd going wild
tg: straight tens from the judges
tg: slow motion replays all over the place
tg: just so the poor schlucks at home can even see what just happened
tg: some crazy gravity defying matrix shit
tg: kid going up on the podium to collect her gold
tg: and her crazy psychobitch mother crying with happiness
tg: cos all those years of bullying her kid into practising at five am
tg: have finally been fucking rewarded
tg: i mean
tg: you scared the shit out of me talking like that
tg: and youre having some fucking existential crisis
tg: fuck lalonde
tg: we have a couple of universes were meant to be fucking saving
tg: now is not the time to discuss fucking sartre
tt: As loaded as that metaphor was, I refuse to psychoanalyse it now.
tt: You are not going to be able to distract me from this.
tt: It's important.
tg: look
tg: im not saying there isnt a time and a place for philosophical discussions
tg: im just saying that the place is in some pretentious cafe in paris
tg: and we are not in that place
tg: because
tg: i dont know if you realise this
tg: but paris is a thing which stopped happening
tg: and unless we get our fucking act together
tg: and fix this messed up game
tg: pretentious cafes arent a thing which is going to happen
tg: ever again
tg: although if we get any say in this building a universe shit
tg: that might be true anyway
tg: because lalonde
tg: there is also a person to have philosophical discussions with
tg: and that person is not me
tg: try egbert or harley
tg: or even one of the fucking trolls
tg: but this isnt happening with me
tg: i have actual things to do
tg: time loops to set up
tg: and discussion to have
tg: which dont include fucking stupid questions like
tg: why are we here
tt: Why are we here?
tg: fuck you lalonde
tt: No.
tt: I mean, we both have better things to do.
tt: So why are we having this conversation at all?
tg: oh
tg: i dont fucking know
tg: you pestered me
tt: You answered.
tg: yeah well
tg: i thought it might be something actually important
tg: my mistake
tt: I'm making a serious point.
tt: Everything about this game is completely unbelievable.
tt: By which I literally mean that no-one would believe us.
tg: we went over this already
tg: yes this game is fucking stupid
tg: everything about today is fucking stupid
tg: and none of it would make any sense to us at all
tg: except apparently we were always meant to play it
tg: so we got some kind of special mental preparedness
tg: that stops us just going insane with how fucking stupid our lives are
tg: but if we live through this
tg: were still going to sound completely fucking insane
tg: to absolutely everyone
tg: is there a point to this lalonde
tg: or are you just trying to remind me how fucked up this is
tt: So where did the game come from?
tt: Who invented it?
tt: Not the version in our universe.
tt: But where, in all the universes, did it originate?
tg: fuck
tg: i dont know
tg: it was probably a stable time loop
tg: everything else is in this fucking game
tg: everythings just a loop within a loop within a fucking loop
tg: some crazy fractal shit
tg: probably all just some poster in some nerds college dorm
tg: biggest fucking poster in the multiverse
tg: and all his nerd friends just ignore it
tg: cos its such a cliche
tg: so last existence
tg: when theyve all moved on to bigger things
tg: and hes not even trying to be ironic about that shit
tt: Actually, you appear to have inadvertently stumbled upon my point.
tg: what
tt: What exists outside of the universes created by the game?
tt: What prompted the beginnings of its time loop?
tg: lalonde
tg: dont even pretend like you understand the time shit in this game
tg: you dont need to begin a fucking time loop
tg: you dont even have to keep it going
tg: if you have a death wish
tg: its just the only timeline that isnt doomed
tg: all the others get totally wiped out
tg: so it looks like it was the only one
tg: but
tg: you can ignore it
tg: you just wouldnt like the consequences
tt: Mustn't there be more to it than that?
tt: For instance, what decides between two different possible stable loops?
tg: i dont know
tg: crazy stuff
tg: just
tg: what happens
tt: So there is a choice?
tg: mostly its just accident
tg: but i guess yeah
tg: a couple of times theres a choice
tg: and you have to try and pick the right one
tg: but
tg: fuck it
tg: whats your point
tt: It is far easier to imagine a multiverse without the game than one containing it.
tt: Both are stable timelines.
tt: What brought the game into existence?
tt: There must have been some kind of external driving force.
tt: A creator, if you will.
tg: lalonde
tg: now is sure as hell not the time to find religion
tg: biblical shit is pretty useless right now
tg: i mean
tg: unless im remembering wrong
tg: completely forgot the commandments
tg: thou shalt kill imps and collect grist
tg: thou shalt ascend the echeladder
tg: thou shalt obey thy fucking annoying trolls whenever they manage not to be total dickheads
tg: because it turns out they might have some fucking idea what is going on
tg: and even if it means putting up with lame insults and irrelevant bullshit half of the time
tg: thou shalt need every fucking clue you can get
tt: As entertaining as that idea is, I had not really considered the creator in religious terms.
tt: If I were to tell you I had recently been told about several children becoming trapped in a dangerous video game world, what would you tell me?
tg: fuck
tg: when you put it like that
tg: it sounds like some shitty movie
tg: egbert would lap that right up
tg: all some giant fucking metaphor for adolescence
tg: or loss of innocence or some shit like that
tg: four children overcome adversity against all the odds
tg: and enter a new universe of their own creating
tg: fuck
tg: but lalonde
tg: this is fucking real
tt: Is it?
tg: yes
tg: okay i know the whole philosophical butterfly dreaming matrix spiel
tg: but everyone knows thats bullshit
tg: were whats real and everything else is
tg: okay sometimes fun to think about
tg: if youre a crazy pseudo intellectual with nothing better to do
tg: but pretty much irrelevant
tt: How do you know?
tg: look
tg: let me talk you through this
tg: like we just watched the matrix the first time
tg: and everyones kind of freaking out
tg: and then one person sees how stupid it is
tg: and explains
tg: and it seems like the smartest fucking thing anyone ever said
tg: just like it did the first billion times someone ended this argument
tg: if were living in some kind of fantasy world
tg: and we have no way of telling
tg: then it doesnt matter
tg: because it feels real
tg: and we cant stop it
tg: so we might as well enjoy it while it lasts
tg: and maybe if something bad happens well wake up somewhere else
tg: and realise this was all some fucking dream
tg: which
tg: in our current situation
tg: is probably the best possible outcome
tg: for everyone involved
tg: but maybe we wont
tg: in which case dying is a really terrible idea
tg: so unless you have a sure way of telling
tg: which you never do in these hypothetical situations
tg: you might as well just pretend like this is real life
tg: which it probably is
tt: That argument is reasonably logically sound when applied to the Matrix.
tt: In that hypothetical situation, the creator is utterly passive, and unwilling to respond to feedback.
tg: fuck
tg: dont even go there lalonde
tg: you think were in a fucking movie
tg: and your solution is to talk to the fucking director
tg: do you even know how ridiculous that sounds
tt: I was thinking of attempting to contact the writer.
tt: I have reason to believe there may be some response.
tg: fuck
tg: if there is a writer
tg: this movie is fucking terrible
tg: some postmodernist shit right here
tg: just by talking about this
tg: were completely violating the fourth wall
tg: in a public area
tg: we should be locked up
tg: for crimes against fiction
tg: but they couldnt pin a conviction on us
tg: not guilty due to insanity
tg: some crazy fucking writer made us do it
tg: actually
tg: fuck
tg: this is all fucking insane
tg: what kind of crazy person came up with something like this
tg: this is so fucked up
tg: they invented some stupid premise which doesnt even make sense to their own characters
tg: who theyve been killing off left right and centre
tg: not to mention a bunch of random trolls from some crazy other culture that doesnt make sense
tg: shit lalonde
tg: i wish i thought someone was making this shit up
tt: Isn't that a rather anthropocentric viewpoint?
tt: Perhaps we are merely minor supporting characters in the story of the trolls.
tg: fuck no
tg: dave strider is no minor character
tg: im the fucking hero
tg: or at least the heros cooler friend
tg: actually
tg: fuck it
tg: egbert is the hero
tg: isnt he
tt: Why not me or Jade?
tg: lalonde
tg: like hundreds of imps have died already
tg: and unless you want to tell me something
tg: the most lip action any of us have got
tg: has been post mortem
tg: this is not a chick flick
tg: and i know that girls can be main characters without it being a romance
tg: but
tg: they arent
tt: I have to admit, John does seem to be the likely candidate.
tg: too true
tg: egbert is hero material
tg: im the far cooler sidekick
tg: if were falling for the slime baby shit
tg: jade is his kid sister
tg: which makes you
tg: the love interest
tt: The media in which we are immersed is not necessarily visual.
tt: In fact, it would be favourable to our cause if this world was literary.
tg: yeah right
tg: book snob
tg: but youre just saying that because
tg: you dont want to have to kiss egbert
tg: hey i dont blame you
tg: but you know its coming
tg: before two hours are through
tg: youll be locking lips with him
tg: sucking his face so hard that
tg: you know what
tg: i dont even want to think about it
tt: I have reasons to support my hypothesis.
tg: how could you possibly tell
tg: its a made up world
tg: what did you look down and see a page number
tt: I am in possession of several pieces of evidence.
tt: But primarily my suspicions were raised by our extensive use of Pesterchum.
tt: And in particular the trolls' typing quirks.
tg: what
tg: typing like a dick is something only people in novels do
tg: i know thats not true
tt: However, the effect would be entirely lost on a movie audience.
tt: In fact, a movie featuring such large amounts of instant messaging and such little personal interaction would be unwieldy and unlikely to succeed.
tt: Possible, perhaps, in a more avant garde work, but definitely unusual.
tt: Whereas in a more textual medium, the device would aid the readers' memory of the large cast of characters we seem to be surrounded by.
tg: okay
tg: so why is that a good thing
tt: We need to access the instant of our creation.
tg: wait
tg: i know this
tg: if were being written by someone
tg: its non linear timelines
tg: people in the future can be reading it whenever
tg: but we need to talk to the author when theyre writing
tg: but they are always writing what is happening now at some point in that timeline
tg: so they can always hear us
tg: wait
tg: isnt that true of everything
tg: why not movies
tt: The creation of movie scenes is not instantaneous.
tt: It is a collaborative process between writer, director and actors.
tt: To gain some influence over our own fates would require some kind of co-ordinated agreement between them all.
tt: However, each sentence in a book can be traced back to a single moment of creation in a single mind, and is thus far more easily swayed.
tt: This will be to our advantage.
tg: wait
tg: lets think about this
tg: so were in a book
tg: yeah actually you know what it would be a book
tg: because no-one would go see this movie
tg: its too fucking confusing
tg: everyone would be scratching their heads on the way out of the cinema
tg: wondering what was up with all the frogs and shit
tg: yeah no
tg: noone would make such a terrible movie
tg: this is some dickheads book
tg: and its never going to get published for real
tg: because noone would ever read this shit
tt: Apparently, a dickhead with low self esteem.
tg: oh
tg: fuck yeah
tg: even your own characters hate you loser
tg: but hey
tg: well done for coming up with someone cooler than you are
tg: inventing us was pretty awesome
tg: fairs fair
tg: just get us the fuck out of this mess in one piece and well call it even
tg: wait
tg: lalonde
tg: how the fuck do we know if this is for real
tg: i mean
tg: what happens now
tt: Theoretically, anything could happen. If the creator wished to, they could turn either of us into a mouthpiece for their own thoughts.
tt: Arguably, we already are.
tg: wait
tg: so everything i do is because this guy wrote it
tg: wait
tg: wait
tg: what
tg: that doesnt even
tg: what
tt: Haven't you ever felt the impulse to do something without knowing quite why?
tg: …
tg: well
tg: maaa fucking maaa
tt: I beg your pardon?
tg: never mind
tg: i just
tg: bleating
tg: ironically
tg: never mind
tt: Your further abuse of irony to shelter your own insecurities will never cease to amaze me.
tg: so
tg: author
tg: could you just
tg: get us out of this mess
tt: Unfortunately, I suspect that such a direct approach is triply bound to failure.
tt: Firstly because the author is likely to already have a planned ending, which may or may not be in our favour.
tg: dude
tg: i really hope we win
tg: or i am going to fuck with your subconscious
tg: i fucking swear it
tt: Threats are unlikely to be constructive either, thanks to the second reason.
tt: Viewing us as fictional constructs, the author is likely to dismiss our requests.
tg: but
tg: we worked it out
tg: we are fucking talking to him
tg: how could he just ignore us
tt: As far as he or she is concerned, we are probably engaging in a cheap and fanciful postmodernist discussion loosely intended to challenge the reader's sense of reality without necessarily raising any new philosophical points.
tg: fuck
tg: this guy is really screwed up
tt: However, the third reason, while the most speculative of the trio, is also by far the most important.
tt: I suspect our current author has very little influence over our wider situation.
tg: what
tg: lalonde
tg: this is making my head hurt
tg: can i go back to stable time loops and non linear timelines and slime babies
tg: because that shit i can deal with
tg: we dont get on great
tg: but at least were speaking the same fucking language
tg: what the fuck do you mean lalonde
tt: Well, the clues seemed obvious to me.
tt: This conversation has been a particularly long one to include, considering that neither of us are the main character and almost nothing we have said is plot relevant.
tt: I believe the first real flaw I noticed was with Pesterchum itself.
tg: what does some computer glitch have to do with anything
tt: Pesterchum displays abbreviated chat handles at the beginning of each line.
tt: For instance:
tt: tt:
tt: However, today I noticed a slight flaw.
tt: Normally, these abbreviations are capitalised.
TG: what
TG: fuck
TG: they just changed
TG: what the fuck lalonde
TG: what are you getting at
TT: Dave, what were you doing when I pestered you?
TG: what
TG: something lalonde
TG: saving the world or whatever
TG: you know
TG: the usual
TT: Try to remember.
TG: something important i guess
TG: i said that earlier
TG: i guess some stuff was happening
TG: like maybe i should get back to it
TG: but
TG: wait
TT: Dave, can you tell me where you are right now?
TG: …
TG: fuck
TT: Don't panic.
TG: fuck lalonde
TG: rose you cant just say things like that
TG: how am i not meant to panic
TG: fuck
TG: i dont know where i fucking am
TG: i cant fucking see anything
TG: what the fuck
TG: tell me what the fuck is going on rose
TT: Our author has neglected to specify a setting.
TT: Hopefully, they will soon rectify that mistake as well.
TG: what
TG: i dont know what youre talking about
TG: im on lohac
TG: where else would i be right now
TT: And I find that I have always been on LOLAR.
TT: How comforting.
TT: But the fact remains, Dave, that we cannot pinpoint ourselves on our own timelines.
TT: In fact, the series of events leading to this moment is not internally consistent.
TT: We have both made reference to events which have occurred since we last stood on these soils.
TG: not to point out the obvious but
TG: were stood here now
TT: So it would appear.
TT: But my suspicions have been confirmed.
TT: Our author cannot save us from the game, because they did not create it any more than we did.
TT: They did not even truly create us.
TT: Dave. We're in a fanfiction.
TG: …
TG: are you coming onto me lalone
TG: because i dont care if you say the author is demanding it
TG: i am not going to play tonsil hockey with anyone
TG: not you not harley not egbert
TG: this is just not happening
TT: There is more than one kind of fanfiction, Dave.
TG: i dont care
TG: it was bad enough being written by some postmodernist loser with a day job
TG: but i am not being bossed around by some bored teenage girl who wants me to get my yaoi on
TT: Actually, the tone of our conversation so far suggests a very different intent.
TT: We appear to be exploring the metaphysical ramifications of realising our own fictitious natures.
TG: great
TG: shes a fucking poser
TG: no
TG: fuck
TG: its worse than that
TG: shes you lalonde
TT: My key role in this conversation does imply some degree of similarity to our author, I suppose.
TG: brilliant
TG: im trapped in a philosophical wizard porno
TG: so why the fuck cant this author get us out of it
TT: Because we are in a derivative work.
TT: Our original selves have a fate we cannot influence, one which may already have been decided.
TG: well good for them
TG: but thats them
TG: somewhere else
TG: were here
TG: so why cant we get some help
TT: The author is trapped by the vestiges of canon.
TT: Our vague temporal and spatial locations suggest that they wish this conversation to be canon compliant but could not pinpoint a suitable moment within the original timeline.
TT: They will likely be reluctant to further deviate from the accepted sequence of events.
TG: listen
TG: a fucking u
TG: you hear me
TG: its not that hard
TG: fucking eleven year olds can do it
TG: just make everything perfect and everyone alive again
TG: screw logic
TG: if you were any kind of logical youd be writing something original
TG: fix everything
TG: the end
TT: That, of course, is another concern.
TG: what now lalonde
TT: Well, the question remains of what happens to us once the story is finished.
TT: Without some kind of resolution, we will cease to exist.
TG: wait
TG: i thought you said there were more of us
TG: oh
TG: but theyre like alternate timeline us right
TG: and were stuck in a doomed timeline
TG: waiting for the fucking axe to drop
TT: An apt metaphor.
TT: Although arguably all of the timelines will eventually be doomed.
TT: No story can last forever.
TG: so were going to die
TT: It would be more accurate to say we will cease to exist.
TG: same fucking thing
TG: less blood more existential angst
TG: whatever
TG: it sucks
TG: i mean
TG: this girl fucking created us
TG: knowing full well that sooner or later
TG: she is going to get bored of us
TG: and then we just cease to fucking exist
TG: and there is nothing we can do about it
TG: what kind of sadist is she
TG: she made us have this conversation
TG: we could have been blissfully ignorant
TG: just happily making out with each other or whatever
TG: but instead she wanted to be clever
TG: so now we know
TG: were going to get destroyed
TG: and there is no way we can stop it
TG: it could happen any moment
TG: we wont even get a warning
TG: and she wont even help us out
TG: let us actually achieve something while it lasts
TG: thats fucking cruel
TT: But it is a fact essential to our existence.
TT: We, as we currently exist, must necessarily have had this conversation.
TT: Any other would have led to, as you put it so succinctly, an alternate timeline.
TT: By our very nature we must have a sense of our own impending doom.
TG: great
TG: so thats just the nature of the human fucking condition right there
TG: doesnt mean we have to like it
TT: I thought you said earlier that if we are trapped in an inescapable fantasy, we should try our hardest to enjoy it while it lasts.
TT: Knowing all the while that, when the dream ends, our fates will be out of our hands.
TG: fuck i
TG: i dont even know what im meant to do
TG: how are we meant to cope with all this
TG: rose
TG: i wish i could talk to you face to face
TT: Perhaps you can.
TG: what
TT: Welcome to LOLAR.
TG: i was on lohac
TG: i know i said that
TG: when did that stop happening
TT: I suspect the author feels sorry for our problems.
TT: In an attempt to make it up to us, your wish has been granted.
TG: in that case
TG: i wish i was out of this fucking game
TG: and everything was alright
TG: …
TG: fuck
TT: Some wishes cannot be granted.
TG: worth a fucking try
TG: never mind then
TG: hey
TG: so hi
TG: rose
TT: Hello.
TT: Do you want to sit down?
TG: sure
TG: its pretty up here
TG: hilltop overlooking the sea or whatever
TG: fuck
TG: that was a setting wasnt it
TG: this is really happening
TG: i dont want it to be
TG: i just
TG: fuck
TG: i want to exist
TT: We'll still exist.
TT: Every time this story is read, we will exist again.
TT: Our existence will repeat for years.
TT: You could view it as a form of immortality.
TG: i guess
TG: but
TG: what are we meant to do now
Rose: Take Dave's hand.
TT: We enjoy it while it lasts.