A/N: Yo. Theo's BookOfXentric here. This it just a stupid little story that came to me as I was sitting at home listening to "The Enchanted chamber" by Timeless Miracle. I wrote it in about a day so grammar and spelling errors may have a blast. I may have had a bit too much coffee… mild slash SB/RL
Quote of the fic:
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."
- George Bernard Shaw
It was parent teacher day at Hogwarts, an event that everyone's parents had been invited to attend. That included muggle parents. The idea was to let everyone's parents see what their child got up to at Hogwarts. Allow the students' time to spend with their families and show them their houses, friends etc. and to show of Hogwarts supremacy. (Though the staff did not speak of the last one in public. Only very few students had figured it out.)
OXOXOXOXO
"We have to do something to entertain everyone!" Sirius exclaimed, drawing his eyes away from a issue of Play Wizard he'd nicked from a seventh year Hufflepuff.
"Yes." James nodded
"What should we do?"
Peter shrugged "I donno, maybe a play."
Remus finally looked up from his book "We were banned from performing any more muggle plays, remember last time."
"Yeah but this is 'Three little pigs'" Peter pulled the book from his bag "Not even you guys can mess up 'Three little pigs"
Remus grinned wolfishly "You're so underestimating us."
OXOXOXOXO
Dinner was supposed to be a grand feast.
Dumbledore stood "Students, Parents, fellow staff members, friends, nut jobs. Welcome to Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardy."
He allowed the few stray claps to die down. "Before we start our feast and stuff our grumbling stomachs some students will perform some entertainment for us-"
He never finished for suddenly there was huge Bang and a cloud of smoke materialized, making everyone jump. Out of thin air appeared our three favourite Marauders, and Peter, encased in shimmering capes of different colours.
They bowed majestically.
"Fellow students, Professors and Parents; Messrs James, Sirius, Remus and Peter proudly present: Muggle Moral stories: The three little pigs!" They swung their capes around effectually.
"Oh!" Lily's mother squealed enthusiastically. Her father nodded approvingly "How fascinating, a wizard take on Thee little pigs."
"Oh no" Lily herself groaned trying to hide her head.
"It's not fascinating at all" she growled. "It's them; Potter Black and Lupin they can never do anything normal. Be prepared to watch Three Little pigs be turned into a totally outrages parody, and perhaps star involuntarily in a porn-movie."
Her father choked "Porn!"
Lily rolled her eyes and looked away "…that's what they turned Cinderella into." she muttered "Or at least that's what Potter and Black attempted to turn Cinderella into, Lupin stopped them before they got to the Wedding night part."
OXOXOXOXO
Sirius, James and Peter stood huddled together a rough chilly wind blowing through the room. They were wearing the silliest costumes known to both muggle and magic world: Tight pink stockings, tight pink turtleneck shirts (that hugged Peter in all the wrong places), strap-on pig snouts and shinny black dancing shoes.
"I'm so cold" the first little pig (peter) complained in a small whiney voice.
"We need to build ourselves a house that can withstand the chill" Said the second little pig (James)
The third little pig (Sirius) nodded "Yes. Let's gather some bricks and start building!" he prompted thrusting a finger in the air.
"Bricks!" exclaimed James "That takes too long and it is too hard to find. No, Wood, it has to be wood!"
"Wood? Bricks? You're both idiots. That's too cold. No, straw is warm and nice and easy to build with it's not heavy at all."
"Bricks" screamed Sirius "Straw and wood may be easy and warm but it will not last!"
"Wood" cried James "It's easy!"
"No. Straw!" yelled Peter "It's warm!"
Narrator: "And thus the three little pig brothers could not agree on a material and walked their separate ways to build their three separate houses"
James, Sirius and Peter stomped and stormed away from each other, or as much 'storming' as Peter could do with his short legs.
"The first little pig built his house out of straw quite quickly and soon settled in his new cosy home"
A light somewhere went on showing Peter who sat leaned back against some balls of hay that had been arranged to vaguely resemble a house "This is so nice and warm."
"The second little pig built a house out of wood and was done in no time since wood was very common in the area. And just like his brother he was quickly settled in his house."
James was drinking tea behind some overturned teachers desks that he had "found" lying around and arranged in a square shape on the floor.
"The third little pig renounced for his smarts built his home out of bricks, this took time"
Light illuminated Sirius who was sitting on the floor stacking bricks together murderous look on his face and swearing profoundly "Fuck this! Damn it all to everlasting Hell, Fucking bricks, fucking house, fucking play, fuck-"
Frank Longbottom toppled over laughing. Sirius' parents had a look on their faces that resembled Narcissa Black sucking on a…. lemon. (get your mind out of the gutter!)
"Mr Black! Stop swearing!" McGonagall yelled "You're embarrassing you house and scaring people!"
"But after a while the third little pig finished his house-"
"Fuck!" Sirius cried stressed "I'm working on it! I'm working on it, you slave driver voice from nowhere!" he wiped his wand out gave it a few good flicks and the bricks arranged into a neat house looking…, well, something that looked like a brick shit-house but it was good enough for Sirius who smiled brightly at his accomplishment.
"That's it? Is the story over now?" he asked blinking "That was easy. For once. Can I have food now?"
"But-" said the narrator voice
The stage went dark
"Fuck!" Sirius swore
"Mr Black! What did I say?"
"Don't get you knickers in a twist Minnie!" he cheered waving
"What!" she shrieked
"Not far from our village laid a dark and ominous forest"
"Oh, Darn it." James swore "We really need to start actually reading the plays before we act them out."
The stage illuminated again this time showing neatly conjured plastic trees.
"And in the forest lived a big bad wolf." A figure appeared behind the trees.
It was Remus, fake wolf ears protruding from his hair, wearing a pair of gloves that looked like paws, teeth "conjured" to resemble fangs and with a black dot painted on his nose.
Dumbledore blinked, quite surprised. Mr and Mrs Lupins chins dropped, they recovered and glanced around nervously, (like all paranoid Lupins.)
"I cannot believe I agreed to this!" Remus whined dejectedly "What was I thinking? …Oh yeah, I was drugged!" he exclaimed, throwing the accusation in Sirius' direction. "With chocolate."
"No you weren't!" Sirius shouted grin plastered on his face "You were more than willing to whore yourself out for a few pieces of chocolate, your getting cheap Remie!"
Remus flipped him off "Tramp!"
"Mr Lupin!" McGonagall banged her fist into the table. Remus jumped high. "…Just get on with it!"
James' and Remus' parents where sitting next to each other at the long table, James' father vibrated with suppressed laughter "They have no attention span, do they?"
Remus pouted and sat down on the forest floor rubbing his growling stomach "I'm so hungry" he complained.
Raising he walked up to the edge of the trees, getting quite into character he leered as he peered out "I feel for a nice piece of Pork chop" his voice was a menacing growl in the back of his throat and it sent shivers up everyone's spines.
"What!" cried two panicked voices (James and Sirius). "Is this how the play goes?"
"Yes. Now Shut up and proceed!" Lily shouted grinning in delight at their misfortune.
The scene changed now showing Peter's makeshift straw-house. Remus walked up to it, he walked on his toes which gave a rather scary bounce to each step. Peter looked trapped as the wolf came closer eyes gleaming.
"Oi, Remie, make some noise" James whispered none too discretely.
"Noise?"
"Yes. Noise"
Remus seemed to contemplate "Raaawwwrr!" he roared curling his paw fingers into claws.
James face-palmed. "You're a wolf, not a fucking lion high on doxy droppings!" he called. "Howl!"
"Ain't gonna happen" Remus stated deadpanned.
"Howl!" James ordered
"No!" Remus refused
"Howl!"
"Okay!" Remus threw his arms up exasperatedly, inhaled deeply and Howled. James shuddered, so did everyone else present. The howl filled everyone's hearts with fright; it was a terrifying sound spilling out from the depths.
"That was very… accurate." Said Mr Potter his voice a whisper of awe and trepidation.
Mr and Mrs Lupin were more paranoid than ever before; looking for exits they were planning the get away…
"Okay, so I howled" Remus crossed his arms with a grumpy expression "Can I go on with the play now?"
James nodded, voice lost.
Remus pretended to knock on the straw-house "Please, let me in little pig, I am so hungry." His voice was a darkened rumble in the back of his throat.
Peter's eyes flailed from side to side "Uhm…no…" he squeaked
Remus laughed low with as much malice as he could produce "Okay then, in that case I will huff and I will puff until your puny house comes down!" He blew at the straw and it flew all over the teachers and parents. Leaving poor Peter pig exposed to the bad wolf Remus.
Peter backed away from Remus' glowing eyes but it was too late; Remus licked his lips effectually, fangs glinting malevolently between smirking lips, and threw himself at his prey. Peter screamed like a five-year-old girl as the wolf toppled over him.
There was a bang and some smoke. When the smoke cleared everyone could see Remus sitting in red puddle on the floor gnawing on a piece of 'chicken' bone.
He rubbed his stomach once more. "you know what?" he said leering with bloodied fangs at the trembling audience "I think I have room for more!"
"FUCK!" Came James' enraged cry "I can see where this is going!"
Remus walked up to the overturned desks and knocked.
"You're a polite mother fucker!" James resented.
"Mr Potter!" yelled McGonagall "Language!"
"You're not the one about to be dessert!"
Remus rolled his eyes "Please, little pig, let me in. I'm so hungry."
"No way!" James cowered in the farthest corner he could find "Go away you freak! Leave me alone you wolf with black fucking hole for stomach. You just ate Pete and that fatso should fill you up! Compared, I'm nothing."
"Yeah I know. You skinny sorry ass version of an anorexic pig, but I'm still hungry and you're on the menu" Remus tried to stay in character and licked his lips.
"Fucking Mugglers and their sadistic stories!" James flailed "Promoting vandalism, home invasion and cannibalism! Ass-wipes!"
Flitwick fell of his chair.
"In that case I will huff and I will puff until your puny house comes down!" Remus threatened. James screamed "Nooooo!"
Remus blew.
Nothing happened.
"Ha!" James cried and pointed in triumph
Remus shoved the desks apart eyes gleaming like a predator that has just spotted prey.
"Fuck!" James ran away and cowered next to his parents table "Mom! Dad!" he squeaked. Grabbed a plate and held it in front of himself like a shield. "I don't wanna play anymore… cut… CUT!" he screamed.
Remus ran after him, leaped and jumped high. Paws outstretched he knocked James over, the sheer velocity sent them both tumbling into the table swearing as they knocked their heads. Mr and Mrs Potter as well as Mr and Mrs Lupin heard them.
"James! Watch you mouth!"
"Remus Lupin! Such Language!"
The parents were ignored.
"Rape!" James cried when Remus twisted them around so he himself ended up on top. There was another puff of smoke and when it cleared on the floor sat Remus gnawing at a squeaky-toy bone, James nowhere to be seen.
He pulled the squeaky-toy out and started at it "What the fuck! Did we run out of chicken?" he yelled outraged.
"Remus! Watch your language"
"English. What's yours?"
The hall laughed.
"Remus John Lupin!" It was a warning to be heeded.
"Sorry mom!" he squeaked and saluted her.
He got back in character trying to save as much dignity as he could, which wasn't much by now. Eh, let's throw caution to the wind. "Scrawny, meatless stringy little thing, taste like he's got a plastic broomstick stuck up his ass."
"Hey" James yelled from somewhere not known to mankind (from underneath his invisibility cloak)
Remus kicked seemingly thin air
"Ow!"
"Shut up, you're dead."
"And so the second little pig was devoured as well" said the narrator voice "But the big bad wolf still wasn't satisfied"
"What! More!" Remus cried astound, he turned to the audience. "I tell you, all of you, you don't have to worry about this situation ever taking place. There's no wolf dead or alive that can eat two fucking pigs and still want more!"
"REMUS!"
"Yes, mom. Sorry, mom. Language, I remember; still English though."
"And so the big bad wolf proceeded towards the last pig brother's house, the one made out of bricks."
"Okay, okay. I agree with Sirius you're a bloody slave driver! Stupid voice." He muttered.
The brick shit-house came into the audience's view, they few that were still watching; many had toppled over and were now rolling around on the floor.
Remus sighed "Do I have to do this again?"
"Yes." McGonagall said
"Why?" he whined "It's getting tedious, a three-year-old can see were it's going…"
"Because it's how the story goes."
Remus bottom lip began to quiver "But…" he sniffed eye's brimming with tears. "I… don't wanna kill my friends!" he threw his head back and wailed.
The hall went "Aaaaaaw!"
McGonagall was unconvinced. "Nice display of your theatrical skills Mr Lupin, but they're not working anymore. I have finally learned to see through you. Drama-queen."
"Mage in burning Hell" Remus swore under his breath. McGonagall pierced him with a look. He edged away and rushed towards Sirius' brick shit-house "Okay! I'm doing it! I'm doing it. Look!"
He knocked. "Little pig please let me in, I am hungry" it was starting to sound strained and dejected.
"Don't do it!" Cried James' voice from somewhere. Remus punched himself in the stomach "Food doesn't talk" he reminded "You're savaged, ripped apart and dead. Shut up!"
"Sure!" Sirius threw the door open smiling brightly "Please come in. I just put the kettle on. Would you care for a biscuit?" he forced the tray into Remus' face.
Remus was taken aback; this wasn't how the story went? "Uh…uhm…Sure…" he grabbed a biscuit. "Thanks" he smiled. "These are good."
"Come in, come in" Sirius quite literally pushed him "By the way, thanks for getting rid of those two idiots for me."
Remus blinked, the audience tilted their heads
"I've been contemplating how to get rid of them for the past few years, our dad left quite the hefty inheritance, now I get it all to myself." He sucked his finger "But since you helped me, you can have half."
(Orion Black turned to his wife "He's never getting his hands on the family fortune!")
"THANKS!" Remus grinned "any other people you need out of the way?"
(John Lupin groaned "Our son is a killer for hire.")
"Naaa, I'm good for now. And by the way those cookies contain Amortentia, the bad little wolf is now madly in love with third grandiose pig." Sirius grinned a toothy insane leer.
"WHAT!" Remus spluttered "You're kidding, right!"
Sirius reached out grabbed Remus arm and thrust both their arms in the air "And so did the third pig and the wolf live together happily ever after, without the other idiots!" He proclaimed waving and bowing deeply. "And they had three litters of strange looking pups with pink fur."
Remus face-palmed.
There was a puff of smoke and James and Peter reappeared. Peter muttering something undistinguishable under his breath but it sounded like insults.
James: shaking, white-faced and wrapped in a thick blanket while rocking back and forth.
There was a stunned silence.
Dumbledore rose, slowly. His head going from side to side in a pondring manner. "Okay, everyone settle down! Now that Mr Potter, Mr Black, Mr Lupin and Mr Pettigrew are finished entertaining us with their story of savage murder and… tolerance. I think it's time to start our feast."
OXOXOXOXO
"How did we do?" Sirius skipped into the seat in-between James and Remus.
Remus twiddled his fork idly in the air "I don't know. I think we got the general moralistic message of the real story in somewhere along the line"
"What's the moral of the story, except cannibalism?" James muttered crossed.
Remus shrugged "I have no idea. 'Build to last'? maybe? I donno?" he shrugged "I haven't read the real thing"
"You butchered it, you savages'!" Peter cried from a few seats down.
THE END
A/N: No flames, I'm a very fragile little boy. XD