Alex's POV

As promised, I'm going to my appointment with Dr. Allen this afternoon at three-thirty. Olivia has promised to get off work early so she can take me. It's really not necessary for her to miss work, but she insists so I'm not going to fight her on this one. Besides, it will be nice to have her there. I'm going to ask her to sit in on our session today. I have some things to say that I want Olivia to hear.

Olivia left for work nearly an hour ago after we shared a nice breakfast together. I told her I think I'm going to start going for my morning runs again. It's been so long since I've gone and I'm starting to feel out of shape and lazy. And running has always been a nice outlet for me; I let my mind wander and mull over decisions during my runs. Some of the most critical decisions I've ever made have happened while I was running through Central Park.

I'm not sure about Olivia's reaction to this news. She said she was happy I decided to get back out there and didn't specifically say anything negative about it, but I got the distinct impression that it made her feel uneasy. I can understand, really; she's worried about me. She's worried that someone may be out there looking for revenge for what happened to Corey. She doesn't have to say it – I know she's thinking it.

I hope to bring this up at my appointment today and see what Dr. Allen has to say to Olivia about it. Maybe I can make her understand that it would help me feel normal again. That easing back into my daily routine may help me heal.

I'm a little bit nervous for this afternoon – I don't want it to backfire in any way. I don't want to end up in a fight or upset with Olivia. But Olivia is rational and so am I and if we talk about this, I know we can work it out.

At least I hope so.

I have several hours before my appointment and instead of sitting around the apartment by myself like I have been doing for the past weeks, I've decided there's something I need to do. Something I need to make right that can't be put off any longer.

I have some people to apologize to for the way I have treated them. At the time I wasn't in my right state of mind – hell, I'm still not, but I'm better than I was then – but that's no excuse for behaving the way I did. Looking back on it now, I'm utterly ashamed of myself. I tarnished my reputation in almost one day; that's quite a feat.

I'm determined to be me again. Whatever it takes; I don't care. Olivia is with me, and together we can do it. I know it may take a long time to be Alex Cabot again, but I want to start down that road starting today. No more putting it off and feeling sorry for myself.

I go to see Liz Donnelly first. She's in court when I arrive in her chambers, so I sit in her office and wait almost an hour for her to return. During that time I rehearse just what it is I want to say to her. I don't want any more outbursts or out of line comments. I need to be me again to the people in my life, and part of being me is being able to use words efficiently. I've always been able to. Words have never failed me before. But now, when I need them the most, I just can't seem to find the right ones.

Liz is surprised to find me sitting on the sofa in her office. Obviously her secretary neglected to tell her I was waiting and I catch the almost hesitant expression on her face. It's not her usual reaction to me and I realize she doesn't know what to think right now. She can't seem to decide whether or not I'm going to fly off the handle again.

And I guess I deserve that.

"Alexandra," she says with a forced smile as I rise from the sofa and take a seat across from her desk as she sits down behind it. Her expression is still unreadable. "It's nice to see you again. What can I do for you?"

Straight to business. It was never this way between Liz and me. We'd always make small talk; not to fill an awkward silence, but because we really cared about the details of each other's lives. She'd listen to me talk about Olivia for far too long.

But this is what I've done. Liz –like everyone else – doesn't even know what to say to me. She thinks I'm fragile and the wrong words will break me or send me into a rage again.

It's my job to prove they won't.

"Liz," I start, keep my voice strong and confident. I have her attention. "I know you're busy so I'll keep this short. I wanted to apologize for my behavior as of late. I've been going through a lot, as you know, but it's no excuse. The way I have been behaving is unacceptable and I'm deeply ashamed of myself. I wanted to apologize to you in person for the meltdown I had in front of Casey Novak and here in your office. You know that's not me, and I'm sorry. I'm starting to work on myself and the first steps I have to take is to apologize to the people I've hurt by my actions. I'm deeply sorry, Liz. I hope you haven't changed your opinion about me."

Wow, that was a mouthful. And it sounded better in my brain than it did on my tongue, but I hope that Liz appreciates and accepts it all the same.

After a minute or processing what I just said, Liz smiles at me. She reaches across her desk and squeezes my hand. "Apology accepted, Alexandra. I understand why you behaved the way you did, but I still appreciate you making it right. It took a lot of courage for you to come here today. I'm proud of you."

I feel a weight has been lifted off my chest and I actually let out a breath of relief. She forgives me. She still believes I'm me. Thank you," I manage to say, struggling to keep the emotion out of my voice.

Liz nods. "How are you doing with your therapy? Have you gone to see Dr. Olivet again?"

"I'm getting outside counseling. A doctor she referred me to. I'll have to speak to her again to be cleared to return for work, but so far I like Dr. Allen. I'm going to see her this afternoon in fact."

Liz seems pleased. "I'm glad to hear that, Alexandra. Things will get better. Just keep taking care of yourself. And let Olivia be there for you. She loves you."

I decide I've taken too much of Liz's time, so I stand and reach across the desk to shake her hand. But instead she comes around to my side and gives me a hug, telling me again that she's proud of me.

As she lets me go, she says, "Alexandra, you should apologize to Casey Novak as well."

"That's actually where I was headed next," I tell her.

"Good. But she's actually not in. She headed out to lunch right after court."

Great. "Do you know where?"

"I think she usually goes to the sandwich shop on Third, but I'm not certain. You're welcome to wait in her – " she stops herself mid-sentence. "In your office, if you'd like."

But I don't have to wait, and I want to get this over with as soon as possible, so I tell Liz I'll try and catch Casey at the sandwich shop and hurry out of the building.

I decide to walk. With traffic at this hour, walking will take far less time. And as I'm walking, I realize I'm nervous again. More nervous than I was with Liz, and I think I know why. I know Liz; Casey is pretty much a stranger to me. And she doesn't know anything about me either. Only that I went nuts in front of her and threw a statue through the glass plane on my door.

I'd have such a good impression of someone who did that in front of me. Wow, way to go Alex! Way to overreact.

The shop is busy when I arrive but I don't intend to eat so it's no problem for me. I fight my way through the line of customers waiting in front of the counter, and I find Casey at a table in the back. She's picking away at some type of grilled sandwich and reading a thick book that's lying open on the table.

She hasn't seen me and I hesitate a moment before I make my presence known. Maybe this was a mistake. She'll probably ask me to leave. I would if I were her. I should have waited in my office. Approaching her while she's out to lunch was a bad idea.

I almost turn around and walk out, but I instead I force myself to walk over to the table. I take a deep breath, pull the chair on the opposite side of the table out, and sit down without an invitation.

Casey looks up and quirks and eyebrow. It's clear I am the last person she expected to see. She closes her book and gives me a confused look. "Alex. Hi."

Not really a warm greeting, but I can't really blame her. I force myself to smile. "Hi. What are you reading?" I try to be friendly to make this a little easier.

Casey still seems surprised, but looks down at her book. "Just a book I wanted to read. Lunch is really my only downtime so I always bring it." I can tell she wants to ask me what the hell I'm doing here but she's playing the friendly game right back at me.

"I know how that is," I say sympathetically. I try to come up with someone else to break the ice, but come up empty-handed, so I just decide to go for it. "Look, I won't take up a lot of your time. I'm sorry to intrude on your personal time. I just needed to speak with you."

Casey nods. "Okay. What can I help you with?"

Go for it, Alex. Swallow your pride. "I wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened at our meeting. I was out of line. You were doing your job and I was feeling sorry for myself and resentful that you were in my office doing my job, and I took it out on you. It was wrong, and I'm really, truly sorry."

Casey doesn't say anything at first, so I throw in a little lightness. "And there's nothing here I can throw, so you don't have to worry about that."

She actually cracks a smile. "Fair enough. And it's okay; I understand you're going through a lot. But thanks for apologizing."

I feel more weight lifted off my chest. She accepts my apology too.

"I also wanted to say thank you for covering for me these past weeks. I understand you're doing a good job and I appreciate you with keeping up with everything." I leave out the part about not keeping my office in the condition I would. I don't think that would be appropriate right now. This is an apology, not a criticism.

Again, Casey smiles. "Thank you, Alex. I appreciate that. I'm doing my best."

I spend a few minutes making small talk before I excuse myself and leave her to her private time. As I walk out the door of the shop, I already feel better about myself.

Since my talk with Casey has gone so well, I decide to go see Olivia at work. With a bit of a spring in my step, I start toward the precinct.

The security guard at the door to the precinct looks surprised to see me, but he doesn't say anything. Of course he knows who I am; probably everyone does now, and not as their esteemed and successful ADA, either. On any other day, this would depress me, but today I'm not going to let anything get me down.

Olivia is sitting at her desk when I walk into the squad room, hunched over a DD-5. I walk toward her and she looks up, her face breaking into a wide smile when she sees me. "Hey, Alex," she says, getting to her feet and giving me a quick hug. "What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

I smile back and kiss her cheek. "Nothing in particular. I just thought I'd come say hello to my girlfriend."

"Well, I'm glad you did. You can keep me company for a couple hours if you like, and then we can go to your appointment together."

"Sounds good to me." I pull up a chair beside her. "I brought a book, just in case."

Olivia chuckles. "Oh, Alex. Always prepared."

I grin at her. "Well, I was a Girl Scout."

"Oh, please. I can't imagine you going camping."

"It wasn't fun, let me tell you that. The first camping trip, it rained for two days and there were so many bugs – it was disgusting. On the second day I called my mother to come get me. It was awful!"

Olivia laughs. "Now that sounds like the Alex I know."

Several hours later, we're sitting in the car on the way to my appointment, Olivia's warm, strong hand clutching mine. It feels right to have her hold my hand like this. Safe. I know I'm always safe whenever Olivia is close. "I love you, Liv," I say out of nowhere, and she looks at me, giving me a lopsided smile and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear with her free hand.

"Love you, too, baby," she says, returning her hand to the steering wheel and clicking on the turning signal.

"I want you to sit in on my session with Dr. Allen today." I pause and try again. "Will you sit in on my session with Dr. Allen today? Please?"

She smiles. "Of course, sweetie. Any particular reason?"

"I just have some things I want you to hear."

Olivia squeezes my hand. "I'm so proud of you, baby."

I squeeze her hand back and smile. Olivia's proud of me, and she loves me, and she's holding my hand right now, and I know everything is going to be okay.

Olivia's POV

Alex and I are sitting in Dr. Allen's office, on her couch. I'm still holding Alex's hand, because I can tell part of her needs it right now and is deriving comfort from it, even though she'll never say so.

Dr. Allen sits there watching us for a few moments before turning to Alex and breaking the silence. "How has your week been, Alex?"

Alex looks at me and then back at her therapist. "Hard," she says quietly, and I give her hand a squeeze.

"How has it been going with your medication?"

Alex sighs. "I haven't been feeling as sick, but my moods are all over the place. I don't want to keep taking it. It's not helping."

"You know that it can take awhile to kick in –"

"I don't care." Then she sighs again. "I'll give it another week. That's not really what I wanted to talk about."

"Then what did you want to talk about?"

Alex looks at me again. "I went to apologize to Casey Novak and Liz today."

"And how did that go?" Dr. Allen asks.

"Better than I thought it would." She holds my gaze. "I think I need to apologize to you, too, Liv. You've put up with everything I've thrown at you and I know it's been really hard for you. I'm sorry for leaving you to go to that hotel one time and then going to Abbie's and for being so distant and pushing you away and being so moody and not appreciating you – I'm just so, so sorry, Liv. I love you more than anything and you've been nothing but good to me and I don't know what I'd do without you. Please forgive me?"

My words stick in my throat. I want to tell her there's nothing to be sorry for, that I forgave her already, that I love her, too, but I feel tears rushing to my eyes and I think if I say anything, I'll cry. Maybe it's just that she's apologized to me so many times over the past few weeks or that she looks so small and scared and sad, or the way she's clutching my hand like a lifeline. I can't say a word. Instead, I lean over to gently kiss her cheek and wrap my free arm around her shoulder, hugging her close to me.

I feel Alex's body tense and her eyes flicker up to meet mine, this time shining with uncertainty. "Please forgive me, Liv," she says again, and I give her a squeeze, finally finding my words.

"I already did, Alex. You don't have to worry, okay? We've got a clean slate. I'm not holding anything against you. I love you. Nothing could ever make me stop loving you."

She nods, curling closer to me and tucking her head into the crook of my neck. "So we're okay?"

"Yeah, baby. We're okay." I press a kiss to the crown of her head.

I hold her in silence for several minutes, until she sits up and looks at Dr. Allen and then back to me. "Liv, I – I want to get better. I really do. I just wish – I just – I don't think I can do it by myself. I wish I could, but – but I don't – I don't think I can."

"Baby, you don't have to. No one's asking you to do this alone. I'm here, and I love you, and I will do everything in my power to help you."

Alex nods, picking at a thread on her jeans. "I just don't want you to have to take care of me," she says softly. "I was never like this before. I'm not the woman you fell in love with anymore, Liv." Then the tears come, cascading down her cheeks in silent rivers of pain. "I don't want to be a burden –"

I hug her tightly, as if I can hold her close enough for her to be able to physically transfer her pain to me. "Alex – Alex, you could never be a burden to me." I think for a minute, searching for the perfect words and coming up empty. I glance at Dr. Allen, who has been watching us silently for the past few minutes. "I – I think it's time for us to go," I say, because it probably is, and because I want to take Alex home and hold her and comfort her in private, and I know she hates other people seeing her like this.

Dr. Allen nods. "I'll see you next week, Alex," she says gently. "Please remember to keep taking your medication. It's important."

I can tell Alex doesn't really hear her. She clutches my hand as I help her to her feet and doesn't let go for the whole walk down to the car, only briefly releasing her grip on my hand to buckle her seatbelt. "I'm sorry, Liv," she says as soon as we're in the car with the doors closed, staring at the ground. "I didn't mean to do that – I didn't mean to get so upset – I'm sorry –"

"Shh, baby. It's okay." I take her hand and bring it to my lips, pressing a kiss to each of her knuckles. "It's okay. I understand –"

"I had other things I wanted to talk about with Dr. Allen and with you and I didn't mean to get so emotional – it's the pills, it has to be the pills . . ."

I wait a couple minutes for Alex to calm down, holding her hand and stroking her wrist with the pad of my thumb. I know now isn't a good time to really discuss anything, so I'm careful to keep my voice calm and measured as I say, "When we get home, we can still talk about whatever you want to talk about, and I'll come to your session next week if you want me there. It's okay, Alex. I know apologizing to Liz and Casey was hard for you, and I'm really, really proud of you for doing it. But I want you to know you don't need to apologize to me. You haven't done anything wrong, baby, and I love you and I really, truly want to be here for you."

Alex nods, squeezing my hand. "We'll talk when we get home?"

"Yeah, sweetie. I promise."

Thirty minutes later, when we've both had time to recover from the roiling emotions Alex shared in Dr. Allen's office, Alex sits down across from me on our bed and says with a flash of the determination she's so well known for, "I want to start going on my runs again."

I take a deep breath. "Alex, we discussed this –"

"Not really. This is important to me. I know you worry about me and it's one of the things I love about you, but it's time for me to start getting back to normal. And for me, that's normal. I do some of my best thinking while I'm running, and it really helps me feel less anxious."

Put that way, how can I keep her from going out running without feeling like the meanest girlfriend in the world? I just want to protect her, and I know Alex knows that, but she's not a child, and maybe I'm smothering her. I just don't know what I'd do if anything happened to her. "How about we go out running together?" I finally say; a compromise.

"Liv, I don't need a babysitter –"

"I know, sweetie. But some time in the mornings, just the two of us, would be nice, and at least I'd know you're safe and I wouldn't be worrying about you."

Alex sighs. "Fine. But just to try it out for this week, and if I want to go out myself after that, you won't give me a hard time."

"Deal." That was surprisingly easy.

"Liv, I really just want to start getting my life back together."

I slide over to her and kiss her cheek. "I know, Alex."

She rests her head on my shoulder. "And I think this is a start."