Authors' Note-Sorry, we're infidels. We kinda go side tracked with Christmas, New Years, and all that stuff. By time we finally remembered to update it was kinda February ^^'. Consequently we screamed 'Oh shit!' and promptly jumped on the computer to continue our hilarious epic.
Prime Ratings-Part 3, the movie.
(the characters stop their rousing game of charades, scowl at the dead beat authors and get back into their places)
Druid:I swear if the Barbarian had done a Barbarian one more time I would've gone primal on him!!
Necromancer:*clears throat* The game's over genius. We're finally gonna shoot this movie.
Director:Yeah, lets like-get started guys! All right, first we need the mentor and the knight and shining armor on stage.
Barbarian:I get to be the hero. :) *gets up on stage*
Paladin:I shall do my best. *gets on the stage*
Mephisto:When do I do evil?
Director:Hold on Memp, it's not your turn yet.
Mephisto:Evil doessss not wait it'ssss turn.
Diablo:*pissed*Shut-up Mephisto, and wait your turn.
(Mentor Scene-take one)
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!!! Wait ain't I the hero?
Director:Cut! No you're the mentor Barb I already told you that.
Barbarian:I thought I was the hero.
Director:But your name is Mentor, I can't have two guys called Hero.
Barbarian:*is confused*
Paladin:It's alright comrade. *pats the Barbarian's back*
Baal:You are not the hero big stupid man! Just live with it!
Barbarian:I am too, the guy in the gay hat said so.
Director:.....*stunned silence*
Necromancer:Ri-iight, but you're not the hero, you are the mentor. You're better than the hero.
Barbarian:Really?
Director:Well actually-
Necromancer:*elbows the Director in the gut* Shut up fool, let him think he's better or you'll never get this movie done!
(Mentor Scene-take two)
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!!
Paladin:*enters stage right* Yes Master Mentor?
(A rubber chicken flys onstage and smacks the Paladin in the face.)
Paladin:My eye ouch!
Director:Man that wasn't cool, who threw that?
Prime Evils:*in unison* Not us(ss). *big innocent eyes*
Amazon:Whatever.
Druid:Heh heh, that was kinda funny.
Necromancer:I'll be glad when this farce is done with. *rubs temples*
Sorceress:Why would any of us have a rubber chicken handy?
Assassin:*quickly conceals something behind her back* What me? Do that? Never!
Director:Oh well, lets just get on with the movie.
Baal:What's the Mentor's name?
Director:Mentor.
Baal:That is not cool. Name him Baator.
Diablo:What is cool? And who the hell is Baator?
Baal:Baator is an old school chum of mine. *--lying through his teeth*
Director:I like that name, the Mentor's name is now Baator guys.
Barbarian:Am I still the hero?
Everyone:*rolls eyes* Yes!
Barbarian:HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTTT!
(Mentor Scene-take three)
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!!!!
Paladin:*enters stage right* Yes Master Baator?
Baal:*bursts out laughing*
Druid:*bursts out laughing too*
Paladin:What? What is so funny?
Diablo:Baal you haven't been taking any more of those drugs have you?
Druid:*through tears of laughter* That was ingenius!
Necromancer:How perverse.
Assassin:Y'know that was funny in a defying the holy order sense.
(Everyone stares at the Assassin.)
Assassin:What??
Director:Ri-ight lets try that again. Action!
Paladin:Yes Master Baator?
Baal:*bursts out laughing again*
Druid:*falls down and starts laughing hysterically*
Assassin:How do you guys know so much about that?
Baal + Druid:Eeeerrr ummmm arrrrr *whistles innocently*
Director:Y'know I think I'm gonna rename the Mentor Chuck. Sense you two just can't-like control yourselves whenever Mr. Din says Master Baator.
Baal:*laughs so hard he pukes on Ralph*
Ralph:Eeeewww, that's not good for the skin.
Diablo:Baal, how could you laugh at your old school chum's name like that?
Mephisto:What a ssssecond. We did not go to ssschool! Baal doesss not have a friend named Baator! Baal doesss not have friendsss to begin with!
Baal:*between laughs* You fell for it.
(Mentor Scene-take four)
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!
Paladin:*enters stage right* Yes Master Chuck?
(The Druid starts to crack up but the Assassin silences him with a chop to the back of the head.)
Barbarian:Hero, there you are. You's gotta be heroic and go save the fair maiden from the cruel and savage beast that has kidnapped her.
Paladin:I-
(Big Mack lets out another big, nasty, slimey, greasy, [you get the point] fart)
Director:*whispers* Don't worry 'bout that guys, keep goin'!
Paladin:Ummmm I shall!
Barbarian:Good, you's is gonna need a strong weapon to slay the cruel and savage beast. So I is intrusting you with my holy weapon of monster slaying.
(the room begins to smell like ass.)
Barbarian:*coughs* *wrinkles his nose* *hands the Paladin a great big prop sword that looks like it was put together by a kindergartener*
Paladin:*gags* I shall do my best to live up to your great name Master Chuck.
Barbarian:*gasps* *starts fake dying* Oh no, the poison of the cruel and savage beast has finally started to wear away at my great form.
Necromancer:*seemingly unaffected by the gas* *whispering* That is the cheesiest dialogue I've ever heard. The Barbarian's said smarter things on his own.
Barbarian:*chokes* You must live on my son. Yes I forgot I am your father as well as your Mentor.
Paladin:You're my father??
Necromancer:*smacks self in the head*
Barbarian:Yes, *cough* I am your father. You must live on for meeeeee *hacks* *wheezes* *fakes dying* *horribly*
Paladin:*hugs the faking dead Barbarian* Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shall kill you cruel and savage demon! *obviously emotional and taking it the wrong way* DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! *leaps off the stage and decapitates Memp with the fake sword*
Baal:Ha-ha
Big Mack:Oh my God!
Ralph:That thing can't even cut butter.
Director:*sniffs* That was so beautiful Mr. Din. I'm going to cry *sniffs*. You didn't really have to kill Memp though. Now who's gonna play the demon?
Baal:Me!
Diablo:I shall!
Amazon:Hey someone loot his stuff!
Sorceress:*crosses her fingers and runs to the corpse of Memp* Oh my gosh! The Occulus!! *squeals* *starts bouncing up and down excitedly*
Diablo:You fools keep forgetting that Mephisto does not have pockets.
Assassin:Eeeewww
Amazon:We know, we know. *shudders*
Sorceress:*doesn't care* I've finally got an Occulus! *starts teleporting out of control*
Director:We still-like need a bad guy.
Baal:I am evil, I desire to be the bad guy, I come after Mephisto, pick me.
Director:You promise you aren't going to eat Mr. Din.
Baal:I do not make promises. But if you pick me I shall not eat the pally.
Director:Great, you're in!
Diablo:Why him. I am far more evil, and I did better at the audition.
Director:You snooze you lose guy.
Diablo:But I do not snooze!
Director:Don't worry Big Red, if something happens to Ball then you the get to be the demon. You big silly.
Druid:Man, this guy's a fruitcake.
Diablo:*looks at Baal murderously*
(The rescue scene-take one)
Amazon:*tied to a poorly crafted pole* Oh woe is me, if I don't get rescued soon the cruel and savage demon will devour me.
(the Sorceress cartwheels by still gloating about the Occulus)
Director:Well, that was interesting. Cut!
(The rescue scene-take two)
Amazon:*tied to a poorly crafted pole* Oh woe is me....these lines suck! Why do I have to be such a pansy? I could bust out of here without even trying. *busts loose* See? Can I get some better lines?
Director:No way, if you're all heroic and stuff no one will take the hero seriously.
Baal:It is also hilarious to hear you say those things. BWA-HA-HA-HA-Ha!
Diablo:Shut-up Baal.
(The rescue scene-take three)
Amazon:*tied to another poorly crafted pole and scowling* Oh woe is me, if I don't get rescued soon the cruel and savage demon will devour me.
Baal:*warps in* I shall do more than devour you. *lick his lips* *tentacles start flaring around the Amazon.*
Amazon:Ew
Director:Cut! Where do you see those lines Ball? This isn't a porno, there aren't enough guys.
(Stunned silence)
Baal:That is wrong!
Druid:I knew he was a fruit cake.
Necromancer:Aha my suspicions are true.
(Big Mack lets loose again.)
Necromancer:For Trang-ouls sake someone get him some Beano!
Barbarian:I like Gas-X, minty flavored. *farts loudly*
(A petite fart is heard where the Sorceress and Assassin are standing. The Assassin instantly points at the Sorceress.)
Assassin:*faster than a speeding bullet* It wasn't me.
Sorceress:Occy! *she jumps on the Necromancer*
Necromancer:*blushing slightly* Restrain yourself! *whispers* Trang-oul give me strength.
Baal:Oooo *leans forward in interest*
Director:Guys, guys!! We've got to-
(A corner of the roof caves in and Tyrael floats in)
Tyrael:AGAIN I find you all slacking off when you should be vanquishing evil doers *sees the Necromancer and Sorceress* Oh my...
Diablo:Tyrael! At last I have you in my grasp!
(The Paladin farts and almost rips himself a new asshole while doing so.)
Tyrael:Have mercy-*faints on top of the Director*
Director:Hey guy, why so close? ^^
Diablo:Stench like never before-*faints on top of Tyrael whos on top of the Director.)
Director:Ooo threesome. *passes out*
Camera man #1:Should we keep rolling?
Camera man #2:Shit yeah, this is a whole lot funnier than that piece of ass movie.
Paladin:*starts saying a prayer of penitence*
Baal:*looks back at the Amazon* Shall we continue? *tentacles flair up again*
Amazon:Oh he-ell no. *breaks free* *kicks Baal*
Baal:*eyes roll up in the back of his head and faints*
Amazon:Wow, must've been a sensitve spot.
Ralph:*holding his nose* Hot-damn where did you guys eat?
Barbarian:Burger King *farts*
Druid:UUmm Ralph, why are you still in the fair maiden's outfit?
Ralph:....
(A delivery guy from Burger King walks in. [This is Hollywood, everyone delivers ^^'])
Delivery Guy:Somebody order a shit load a Whoppers?
Baal:*instantly revives when he hears 'Whoppers'* fLaME-BrOiLEd-bEEF! *tackles the delivery guy and starts wolfing down Whoppers*
Barbarian:Hey, those were mine. *pouts*
Assassin:*sneaks over to Diablo and attempts to pick his 'pocket'* *rips another little fart* Damn onion rings!
Diablo:*wakes up* *notices his position* *eyes almost pop out of head* *gets up verrry quickly* Tyrael, you, you, I am not like that!
Tyrael:*wakes up* Huh? I've never in all my years smelled such a horrid stench. *groans* I think it burned all my nose hairs off.
Director:*wakes up* Mmmmmmm, I had a nice dream.
Diablo:Tyrael! You shall listen to me when I am yelling at you!
Tyrael:I'm not in the mood for a fight Diablo, I have a headache
Druid:*snicker*
Diablo:That is vile even by my standards.
Tyrael:I shall come back for you once I've taken some Aleeve.
Diablo:No you shall not. Even if I was like that, I would rather 'go at it' with Baal or Mephisto.
Baal:*chokes on a Whopper*
Assassin:That's gross!
Director:Mmmmm tasty. ^^
Paladin:*prays more fervently*
Tyrael:What in the- I never thought you were...
Druid:*groans* I'm gonna have nightmares about this.
Sorceress:*bounces across the room* OCCY!!!
(The Necromancer reappears, his clothes disheveled and his hair a mess.)
Necromancer:How distasteful.
Amazon:For some reason that doesn't sound that bad to me...
Ralph:That's gay!
Barbarian:I like juicy fruit, it's fruity. :)
Mephisto:*comes back from the dead* wHaAaAaAaT!!!!
Diablo:I never said I wanted them! I just said I would rather have them than Tyrael. 'Doh! I was saying I prefer them to Tyrael. Aarrgh! No, what I meant was-Why the hell do I have to explain myself!
Paladin:*going into a mad rage* Cruel and savage beast! You killed my father! DDDDIIIIIIEEEE!!
Mephisto:Wait! He isss not your-
(Mephisto gets reduced to cheeseburger by the enraged Paladin.)
Necromancer:You do know that a) the Barbarian is still alive, b) he's not your father, c) that was highly unnecessary, but d) it was most entertaining.
Paladin:Oh, I am afraid that I took the part a tad too seriously...*noticed the Necromancer's current state* what happened to you?
Necromancer:*annoyed* It is nothing of your concern.
Druid:Yeah, the Necro's got a girlfri-
Necromancer:*defensively* That is a lie! She is a...close acquaintance of mine.
Amazon:Heh, heh, sure...
Assassin:VERY close acquaintance.
Director:*scratches something down on a small piece of paper* *hands it to Tyrael* Call me sometime, babe. *^
Tyrael:I shall not! I am horrified at the thought! *rips the paper*
Director:*starts crying* Was it *sniff* something I did?
Tyrael:*getting defensive* No, I cannot engage in such activities for I am chaste!
Baal:You are not chaste anymore. *snickers*
Druid:Yeah, you had a big, red demon lying on top of you.
(Stunned Silence)
Sorceress:*still doing cartwheels* Occy, occy, occy!
Assassin:*grinning* By the way, Mr. Director man, we finished that movie while you were unconscious.
Director:*sniff* Really?
Barbarian:But we didn't- *Amazon knees him in the gut* Ow...
Assassin:*displaying her trademark 'million-dollar smile'*Yeah, heh, heh. So were are those checks?
Director:*as if he was never sobbing* Wow! Like-thanks a ton guys, here's those checks!
Diablo:All of that idiocy for this slip of paper!?
Baal:Yes, and we did no evil like you said we were!
Director:That's life, guy.
Diablo:Enough foolishness! We came to do evil and we shall-
Amazon:*pressing the ballista into Diablo's temple with a big grin* Is that so?
Diablo:*sensing defeat and a possible rip-off of the 'Dodge this' scene from The Matrix* Come Baal, come Mephisto! We shall see you later!
Ball:Aww...HEY! You spelled my name wrong!
Authors:Heh, heh, sorry Ball.
Baal:It's Ball!!! Not Baal!
Necromancer:Baal, not Ball.
Baal:ARGG!!!
Necromancer:By the way sunshine, Mephisto's dead.
Diablo:Come along Ball.
Ball:BAAL!
(Diablo grabs Baal and teleports out)
Director:*starts cuddling the camera* YES! My masterpiece is completed! It will redefine epic, millions will flock to see its greatness, it will be shown to children so they can learn the meaning of the word 'Great'. I'll win a dozen Tonys!
Necromancer:Oscars you dolt.
Director:Some of those too! It will be picture of the year for ten years! I've got to work on the sequel!
Assassin:*nodding* Heh, whatever you say.
Sorceress:*stops suddenly in the middle of a cartwheel* Did I just screw the Necromancer?!
(Shocked silence, Necromancer blushes)
Press reviews for Knight's Tail:
"Two thumbs down and a kick in nuts" -Cisco and Ebert
"This film should be used as toilet paper instead of being watched" -The New York Post
"This movie will probably be shown to children to teach them the word 'suck'" -Good Morning America
"Knight's Tail sucks as an epic, it sucks even worse as a comedy, that Director should retire early" -Chicago Sun-Times
"That wasn't so bad actually..." -President George W. Bush
"Huhuhuhuhuh" -Former President "Slick Willy" Clinton
"I never slept better in my life" -People magazine
"I pity da foo' who made this movie!" -Mr. T
"This movie sucks more than an old hooker in the Red light district" -Jay Leno, the Tonight show
"HHHHOOOOUUUUTTTTT!" -Barbarian
"Hey, that one scene looks familiar..." -George Lucas
"It's Baal!" -Ball
"It's bacon!" -Beggin' strips dog
"Watching this is worse than getting ass-rammed by Andre the Giant" -Conan O'Brian, The Late show with Conan O'Brian
"They had a hot chick but the rest smelled worse than my asshole after dropping twenty pounds of baby-back ribs into the toilet" -Adam Corolla, the Man Show
"It was the biggest collection of filth and depravity I ever witnessed" -Tyrael
"..." -Silent Bob
"That old guy banging the Asian chick was sweet" -Jay
"I have no interest in human entertainment" -Haughty, stuck-up elf
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I had to add a new definition of suck in my dictionary" -Webster
"Blech!" -Vlad Dracula
"Four score and seven years ago, America actually made good movies" -Abraham Lincoln
"Why the hell am I reviewing this?" -Professor Snape
"We're showing this to our Prisoner's of War, take that Geneva Contract!" -Colin Powell
"Ugh, this is the most fucked up piece of shit I've ever been unfortunate to watch. They should lynch the bastard that thought this shit up!!!!" -Oprah
~End~
Endnotes:Awww poor Director, his movie wasn't exactly what he thought it would be. This is the final part in the Prime Ratings story arch. The next chapter will be out as soon as we think of something interesting. We are open to suggestions though, so tell us what you'd like to see the Prime Evils do, what characters you'd like to see more of and anything else!
Prime Ratings-Part 3, the movie.
(the characters stop their rousing game of charades, scowl at the dead beat authors and get back into their places)
Druid:I swear if the Barbarian had done a Barbarian one more time I would've gone primal on him!!
Necromancer:*clears throat* The game's over genius. We're finally gonna shoot this movie.
Director:Yeah, lets like-get started guys! All right, first we need the mentor and the knight and shining armor on stage.
Barbarian:I get to be the hero. :) *gets up on stage*
Paladin:I shall do my best. *gets on the stage*
Mephisto:When do I do evil?
Director:Hold on Memp, it's not your turn yet.
Mephisto:Evil doessss not wait it'ssss turn.
Diablo:*pissed*Shut-up Mephisto, and wait your turn.
(Mentor Scene-take one)
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!!! Wait ain't I the hero?
Director:Cut! No you're the mentor Barb I already told you that.
Barbarian:I thought I was the hero.
Director:But your name is Mentor, I can't have two guys called Hero.
Barbarian:*is confused*
Paladin:It's alright comrade. *pats the Barbarian's back*
Baal:You are not the hero big stupid man! Just live with it!
Barbarian:I am too, the guy in the gay hat said so.
Director:.....*stunned silence*
Necromancer:Ri-iight, but you're not the hero, you are the mentor. You're better than the hero.
Barbarian:Really?
Director:Well actually-
Necromancer:*elbows the Director in the gut* Shut up fool, let him think he's better or you'll never get this movie done!
(Mentor Scene-take two)
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!!
Paladin:*enters stage right* Yes Master Mentor?
(A rubber chicken flys onstage and smacks the Paladin in the face.)
Paladin:My eye ouch!
Director:Man that wasn't cool, who threw that?
Prime Evils:*in unison* Not us(ss). *big innocent eyes*
Amazon:Whatever.
Druid:Heh heh, that was kinda funny.
Necromancer:I'll be glad when this farce is done with. *rubs temples*
Sorceress:Why would any of us have a rubber chicken handy?
Assassin:*quickly conceals something behind her back* What me? Do that? Never!
Director:Oh well, lets just get on with the movie.
Baal:What's the Mentor's name?
Director:Mentor.
Baal:That is not cool. Name him Baator.
Diablo:What is cool? And who the hell is Baator?
Baal:Baator is an old school chum of mine. *--lying through his teeth*
Director:I like that name, the Mentor's name is now Baator guys.
Barbarian:Am I still the hero?
Everyone:*rolls eyes* Yes!
Barbarian:HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTTT!
(Mentor Scene-take three)
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!!!!
Paladin:*enters stage right* Yes Master Baator?
Baal:*bursts out laughing*
Druid:*bursts out laughing too*
Paladin:What? What is so funny?
Diablo:Baal you haven't been taking any more of those drugs have you?
Druid:*through tears of laughter* That was ingenius!
Necromancer:How perverse.
Assassin:Y'know that was funny in a defying the holy order sense.
(Everyone stares at the Assassin.)
Assassin:What??
Director:Ri-ight lets try that again. Action!
Paladin:Yes Master Baator?
Baal:*bursts out laughing again*
Druid:*falls down and starts laughing hysterically*
Assassin:How do you guys know so much about that?
Baal + Druid:Eeeerrr ummmm arrrrr *whistles innocently*
Director:Y'know I think I'm gonna rename the Mentor Chuck. Sense you two just can't-like control yourselves whenever Mr. Din says Master Baator.
Baal:*laughs so hard he pukes on Ralph*
Ralph:Eeeewww, that's not good for the skin.
Diablo:Baal, how could you laugh at your old school chum's name like that?
Mephisto:What a ssssecond. We did not go to ssschool! Baal doesss not have a friend named Baator! Baal doesss not have friendsss to begin with!
Baal:*between laughs* You fell for it.
(Mentor Scene-take four)
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!
Paladin:*enters stage right* Yes Master Chuck?
(The Druid starts to crack up but the Assassin silences him with a chop to the back of the head.)
Barbarian:Hero, there you are. You's gotta be heroic and go save the fair maiden from the cruel and savage beast that has kidnapped her.
Paladin:I-
(Big Mack lets out another big, nasty, slimey, greasy, [you get the point] fart)
Director:*whispers* Don't worry 'bout that guys, keep goin'!
Paladin:Ummmm I shall!
Barbarian:Good, you's is gonna need a strong weapon to slay the cruel and savage beast. So I is intrusting you with my holy weapon of monster slaying.
(the room begins to smell like ass.)
Barbarian:*coughs* *wrinkles his nose* *hands the Paladin a great big prop sword that looks like it was put together by a kindergartener*
Paladin:*gags* I shall do my best to live up to your great name Master Chuck.
Barbarian:*gasps* *starts fake dying* Oh no, the poison of the cruel and savage beast has finally started to wear away at my great form.
Necromancer:*seemingly unaffected by the gas* *whispering* That is the cheesiest dialogue I've ever heard. The Barbarian's said smarter things on his own.
Barbarian:*chokes* You must live on my son. Yes I forgot I am your father as well as your Mentor.
Paladin:You're my father??
Necromancer:*smacks self in the head*
Barbarian:Yes, *cough* I am your father. You must live on for meeeeee *hacks* *wheezes* *fakes dying* *horribly*
Paladin:*hugs the faking dead Barbarian* Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shall kill you cruel and savage demon! *obviously emotional and taking it the wrong way* DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! *leaps off the stage and decapitates Memp with the fake sword*
Baal:Ha-ha
Big Mack:Oh my God!
Ralph:That thing can't even cut butter.
Director:*sniffs* That was so beautiful Mr. Din. I'm going to cry *sniffs*. You didn't really have to kill Memp though. Now who's gonna play the demon?
Baal:Me!
Diablo:I shall!
Amazon:Hey someone loot his stuff!
Sorceress:*crosses her fingers and runs to the corpse of Memp* Oh my gosh! The Occulus!! *squeals* *starts bouncing up and down excitedly*
Diablo:You fools keep forgetting that Mephisto does not have pockets.
Assassin:Eeeewww
Amazon:We know, we know. *shudders*
Sorceress:*doesn't care* I've finally got an Occulus! *starts teleporting out of control*
Director:We still-like need a bad guy.
Baal:I am evil, I desire to be the bad guy, I come after Mephisto, pick me.
Director:You promise you aren't going to eat Mr. Din.
Baal:I do not make promises. But if you pick me I shall not eat the pally.
Director:Great, you're in!
Diablo:Why him. I am far more evil, and I did better at the audition.
Director:You snooze you lose guy.
Diablo:But I do not snooze!
Director:Don't worry Big Red, if something happens to Ball then you the get to be the demon. You big silly.
Druid:Man, this guy's a fruitcake.
Diablo:*looks at Baal murderously*
(The rescue scene-take one)
Amazon:*tied to a poorly crafted pole* Oh woe is me, if I don't get rescued soon the cruel and savage demon will devour me.
(the Sorceress cartwheels by still gloating about the Occulus)
Director:Well, that was interesting. Cut!
(The rescue scene-take two)
Amazon:*tied to a poorly crafted pole* Oh woe is me....these lines suck! Why do I have to be such a pansy? I could bust out of here without even trying. *busts loose* See? Can I get some better lines?
Director:No way, if you're all heroic and stuff no one will take the hero seriously.
Baal:It is also hilarious to hear you say those things. BWA-HA-HA-HA-Ha!
Diablo:Shut-up Baal.
(The rescue scene-take three)
Amazon:*tied to another poorly crafted pole and scowling* Oh woe is me, if I don't get rescued soon the cruel and savage demon will devour me.
Baal:*warps in* I shall do more than devour you. *lick his lips* *tentacles start flaring around the Amazon.*
Amazon:Ew
Director:Cut! Where do you see those lines Ball? This isn't a porno, there aren't enough guys.
(Stunned silence)
Baal:That is wrong!
Druid:I knew he was a fruit cake.
Necromancer:Aha my suspicions are true.
(Big Mack lets loose again.)
Necromancer:For Trang-ouls sake someone get him some Beano!
Barbarian:I like Gas-X, minty flavored. *farts loudly*
(A petite fart is heard where the Sorceress and Assassin are standing. The Assassin instantly points at the Sorceress.)
Assassin:*faster than a speeding bullet* It wasn't me.
Sorceress:Occy! *she jumps on the Necromancer*
Necromancer:*blushing slightly* Restrain yourself! *whispers* Trang-oul give me strength.
Baal:Oooo *leans forward in interest*
Director:Guys, guys!! We've got to-
(A corner of the roof caves in and Tyrael floats in)
Tyrael:AGAIN I find you all slacking off when you should be vanquishing evil doers *sees the Necromancer and Sorceress* Oh my...
Diablo:Tyrael! At last I have you in my grasp!
(The Paladin farts and almost rips himself a new asshole while doing so.)
Tyrael:Have mercy-*faints on top of the Director*
Director:Hey guy, why so close? ^^
Diablo:Stench like never before-*faints on top of Tyrael whos on top of the Director.)
Director:Ooo threesome. *passes out*
Camera man #1:Should we keep rolling?
Camera man #2:Shit yeah, this is a whole lot funnier than that piece of ass movie.
Paladin:*starts saying a prayer of penitence*
Baal:*looks back at the Amazon* Shall we continue? *tentacles flair up again*
Amazon:Oh he-ell no. *breaks free* *kicks Baal*
Baal:*eyes roll up in the back of his head and faints*
Amazon:Wow, must've been a sensitve spot.
Ralph:*holding his nose* Hot-damn where did you guys eat?
Barbarian:Burger King *farts*
Druid:UUmm Ralph, why are you still in the fair maiden's outfit?
Ralph:....
(A delivery guy from Burger King walks in. [This is Hollywood, everyone delivers ^^'])
Delivery Guy:Somebody order a shit load a Whoppers?
Baal:*instantly revives when he hears 'Whoppers'* fLaME-BrOiLEd-bEEF! *tackles the delivery guy and starts wolfing down Whoppers*
Barbarian:Hey, those were mine. *pouts*
Assassin:*sneaks over to Diablo and attempts to pick his 'pocket'* *rips another little fart* Damn onion rings!
Diablo:*wakes up* *notices his position* *eyes almost pop out of head* *gets up verrry quickly* Tyrael, you, you, I am not like that!
Tyrael:*wakes up* Huh? I've never in all my years smelled such a horrid stench. *groans* I think it burned all my nose hairs off.
Director:*wakes up* Mmmmmmm, I had a nice dream.
Diablo:Tyrael! You shall listen to me when I am yelling at you!
Tyrael:I'm not in the mood for a fight Diablo, I have a headache
Druid:*snicker*
Diablo:That is vile even by my standards.
Tyrael:I shall come back for you once I've taken some Aleeve.
Diablo:No you shall not. Even if I was like that, I would rather 'go at it' with Baal or Mephisto.
Baal:*chokes on a Whopper*
Assassin:That's gross!
Director:Mmmmm tasty. ^^
Paladin:*prays more fervently*
Tyrael:What in the- I never thought you were...
Druid:*groans* I'm gonna have nightmares about this.
Sorceress:*bounces across the room* OCCY!!!
(The Necromancer reappears, his clothes disheveled and his hair a mess.)
Necromancer:How distasteful.
Amazon:For some reason that doesn't sound that bad to me...
Ralph:That's gay!
Barbarian:I like juicy fruit, it's fruity. :)
Mephisto:*comes back from the dead* wHaAaAaAaT!!!!
Diablo:I never said I wanted them! I just said I would rather have them than Tyrael. 'Doh! I was saying I prefer them to Tyrael. Aarrgh! No, what I meant was-Why the hell do I have to explain myself!
Paladin:*going into a mad rage* Cruel and savage beast! You killed my father! DDDDIIIIIIEEEE!!
Mephisto:Wait! He isss not your-
(Mephisto gets reduced to cheeseburger by the enraged Paladin.)
Necromancer:You do know that a) the Barbarian is still alive, b) he's not your father, c) that was highly unnecessary, but d) it was most entertaining.
Paladin:Oh, I am afraid that I took the part a tad too seriously...*noticed the Necromancer's current state* what happened to you?
Necromancer:*annoyed* It is nothing of your concern.
Druid:Yeah, the Necro's got a girlfri-
Necromancer:*defensively* That is a lie! She is a...close acquaintance of mine.
Amazon:Heh, heh, sure...
Assassin:VERY close acquaintance.
Director:*scratches something down on a small piece of paper* *hands it to Tyrael* Call me sometime, babe. *^
Tyrael:I shall not! I am horrified at the thought! *rips the paper*
Director:*starts crying* Was it *sniff* something I did?
Tyrael:*getting defensive* No, I cannot engage in such activities for I am chaste!
Baal:You are not chaste anymore. *snickers*
Druid:Yeah, you had a big, red demon lying on top of you.
(Stunned Silence)
Sorceress:*still doing cartwheels* Occy, occy, occy!
Assassin:*grinning* By the way, Mr. Director man, we finished that movie while you were unconscious.
Director:*sniff* Really?
Barbarian:But we didn't- *Amazon knees him in the gut* Ow...
Assassin:*displaying her trademark 'million-dollar smile'*Yeah, heh, heh. So were are those checks?
Director:*as if he was never sobbing* Wow! Like-thanks a ton guys, here's those checks!
Diablo:All of that idiocy for this slip of paper!?
Baal:Yes, and we did no evil like you said we were!
Director:That's life, guy.
Diablo:Enough foolishness! We came to do evil and we shall-
Amazon:*pressing the ballista into Diablo's temple with a big grin* Is that so?
Diablo:*sensing defeat and a possible rip-off of the 'Dodge this' scene from The Matrix* Come Baal, come Mephisto! We shall see you later!
Ball:Aww...HEY! You spelled my name wrong!
Authors:Heh, heh, sorry Ball.
Baal:It's Ball!!! Not Baal!
Necromancer:Baal, not Ball.
Baal:ARGG!!!
Necromancer:By the way sunshine, Mephisto's dead.
Diablo:Come along Ball.
Ball:BAAL!
(Diablo grabs Baal and teleports out)
Director:*starts cuddling the camera* YES! My masterpiece is completed! It will redefine epic, millions will flock to see its greatness, it will be shown to children so they can learn the meaning of the word 'Great'. I'll win a dozen Tonys!
Necromancer:Oscars you dolt.
Director:Some of those too! It will be picture of the year for ten years! I've got to work on the sequel!
Assassin:*nodding* Heh, whatever you say.
Sorceress:*stops suddenly in the middle of a cartwheel* Did I just screw the Necromancer?!
(Shocked silence, Necromancer blushes)
Press reviews for Knight's Tail:
"Two thumbs down and a kick in nuts" -Cisco and Ebert
"This film should be used as toilet paper instead of being watched" -The New York Post
"This movie will probably be shown to children to teach them the word 'suck'" -Good Morning America
"Knight's Tail sucks as an epic, it sucks even worse as a comedy, that Director should retire early" -Chicago Sun-Times
"That wasn't so bad actually..." -President George W. Bush
"Huhuhuhuhuh" -Former President "Slick Willy" Clinton
"I never slept better in my life" -People magazine
"I pity da foo' who made this movie!" -Mr. T
"This movie sucks more than an old hooker in the Red light district" -Jay Leno, the Tonight show
"HHHHOOOOUUUUTTTTT!" -Barbarian
"Hey, that one scene looks familiar..." -George Lucas
"It's Baal!" -Ball
"It's bacon!" -Beggin' strips dog
"Watching this is worse than getting ass-rammed by Andre the Giant" -Conan O'Brian, The Late show with Conan O'Brian
"They had a hot chick but the rest smelled worse than my asshole after dropping twenty pounds of baby-back ribs into the toilet" -Adam Corolla, the Man Show
"It was the biggest collection of filth and depravity I ever witnessed" -Tyrael
"..." -Silent Bob
"That old guy banging the Asian chick was sweet" -Jay
"I have no interest in human entertainment" -Haughty, stuck-up elf
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I had to add a new definition of suck in my dictionary" -Webster
"Blech!" -Vlad Dracula
"Four score and seven years ago, America actually made good movies" -Abraham Lincoln
"Why the hell am I reviewing this?" -Professor Snape
"We're showing this to our Prisoner's of War, take that Geneva Contract!" -Colin Powell
"Ugh, this is the most fucked up piece of shit I've ever been unfortunate to watch. They should lynch the bastard that thought this shit up!!!!" -Oprah
~End~
Endnotes:Awww poor Director, his movie wasn't exactly what he thought it would be. This is the final part in the Prime Ratings story arch. The next chapter will be out as soon as we think of something interesting. We are open to suggestions though, so tell us what you'd like to see the Prime Evils do, what characters you'd like to see more of and anything else!