To Divide is To Multiply
By Yukirei (a.k.a. Cosmiko Ling)

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or any of its characters. This is a non-profit fanfiction written by a fan, for the enjoyment of other fans.
Character(s): Jack Sparrow, Jack Sparrow, Jack Sparrow, Jack Sparrow
Summary: Multiple Jacks are trapped in Hogsmeade. Harry Potter AU.
Warning: Spoilers for the third movie. Unapologetic crack.
A/N: Wrote this way back in 2007, was amused re-reading it and thought I'd share it here too. Be warned that this isn't complete and it's very unlikely that I would finish writing it, but I've included a brief note on how the plot was meant to end at the bottom of the page.

"If you are real as you claim to be, lad," Jack spoke, steely cold eyes fixed upon the quivering boy. "And this-" A sweeping hand indicated the small bar and that beyond its walls. "-is your hallucination, where be the rum and firewhiskey?"

They had entered the bar in search of strong liquor, and found the place how they had remembered it - dark from grimy windows, with the main light source being lit candle stumps on the tables, and smelling strongly of goat - except without the liquor.

"Somewhere else?" The boy suggested with a hopeful lopsided smile.

"And where in Hogsmeade would we more likely find rum if not the Hog's Head?" Jack stalked forward, hair tinklets a-jiggling. He raised a wand to the boy's chest, voice a dangerous, low snarl, flash of gold showing. "You don't want to play games with me, boy. Since you aren't real, it wouldn't matter if I blast you to oblivion, savvy?"

"Now, now, there's no point in blasting a lad half your size hey?" A body placed itself between Jack and the boy.

"Get out of the way, Sparrow," Jack hissed, moving the wand to the intruder's chest, over the thumping heart.

Instead of moving, the other carefully pushed the wand away with one finger, ensuring that its tip pointed elsewhere other than his own person before stating firmly, "No."

"Move away!"

"I said, no!"

"I said, move away!"

"Yes, I heard, I'm not deaf. But I'm beginning to suspect you're daft - I said, no!"

"Gentlemen," a fourth voice broke in, pausing the heated argument. Three pairs of eyes swung upon Jack, who was sitting solemnly straight-backed and cross-legged on a table in the middle of the room, burning candle moved to a corner of the rough wooden surface. "Jack, you want rum?"

"Aye!" Three voices chorused.

"If by your supposing," Jack looked pointedly at Jack, "whoever this hallucination belongs to can make barrels of firewhiskey or rum appear at whim, then seeing that we don't have any of it now despite all of you wanting some, makes none of you real, aye?"

The words sank in as silence pooled.

Jack lowered his wand thoughtfully.

"Or of course, it can simply mean that the assumption that whoever this hallucination belongs to can make barrels of firewhiskey or rum appear at whim is not, in fact, true," Jack on the table continued brightly.

Jack with the wand growled at Jack on the table as Jack standing between Jack with the wand and Little Jack let out an exclamation - "Aha! I've always expected to see one of these here!" - and walked off to the other end of the room, picking his way through the crowd of tables and chairs, Little Jack hastily trailing after him upon realising that there goes his shield. He needn't have worried, really, for Jack with the wand appeared too absorbed with his conversation with Jack on the table to bother.

"And you could be more useful yourself," Jack with the wand sneered.

"I am making myself useful," Jack on the table protested. "Can't you see that I was busy?"

"With?" Jack inquired.

"Waiting," Jack replied, indicating the candle by his leg. "This little thingy may show us a clue to our departing this place," he scratched at the caterpillars of beard on his chin. "If the spell works."

"Waiting."

"Aye, waiting."

"Right, then we're all busy. I'm busy talking with you, see? And he," Pointing to the other end of the room. "Is busy talking to a goat." They paused to watch Jack talking and gesturing at a lone standing goat who stared at the man blankly for a moment then looked away with a disinterested turn of its head, and there was much stomping of the feet from Jack.

"There lies a distinct difference," Jack on the table continued. "In being usefully busy and uselessly busy. For example, he trying to talk to a goat may be considered usefully busy-"

"I would hardly think so."

"-whereas you talking with me is certainly uselessly busy since you are keeping me from an activity which is potentially usefully busy."

Jack stared at the candle doubtfully. "It's but 'potentially'."

"Trifles. But if it makes you feel any better, alright, you're potentially uselessly busy."

Any reply Jack had wanted to make was interrupted by Jack.

"Look what I've got~" Jack sang as he danced to them, hips swaying, the goat glaring hatefully but motionlessly after him. In his hands was a rumpled, dirty and somewhat chewed hat.

Jack holding the wand looked disgusted.

Jack on the table looked curious.

Little Jack, hopping behind Jack with the hat enthused, eyes gleaming. "He got it from the goat!"

"It looks like an old filthy wizard hat - covered in goat spit," Jack holding the wand expressed his disgust verbally.

"It probably is an old filthy wizard hat - covered in goat spit," mused Jack on the table.

"Not that we've ever minded things being old and filthy much - though covered in goat spit is something new. Well. Wonder how it'll look," Jack said, removing his own usual hat and making to replace it with the one just procured.

"Wait! What if it's cursed!" Little Jack cried out.

Jack turned his head back to flash him a golden-tooth grin, hand paused with hat almost touching his head. "We wouldn't know till we try eh?"

The hat settled on the dark head, a trifle big.

All waited. Jack hummed as he did. Then suddenly, he fell silent, eyes widening and pupils dilating.

"Idiot," Jack with the wand muttered, while Little Jack ran forward.

But before Little Jack reached Jack and the hat, a new voice rang out. It filled the room, shouting but a single word -

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Little Jack halted mid-step, took a step back in trepidation.

They all knew what this meant.

Jack with the wand looked stunned, till he heard a mutter, "Told you he was being usefully busy."

"Here, try it." Gryffindor!Jack strode to Little Jack, removing the Sorting Hat from his head and placing it on the boy's where it sank down to his nose.

Jack on the table smiled mysteriously as he met the angry eyes of Jack with the wand. He hadn't actually expected such a turnout, but if there was lucky credit to be claimed, he might as well claim it.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" The hat called out.

Little Jack pulled the hat from his head and blinked. Then, finding Gryffindor!Jack still by his side, smiled up at him.

"Interesting…" Jack with the wand and Jack on the table spoke together and exchanged a glance, brief surprise that quickly subsided.

"I had wondered why he was a wisp of our past, younger than all us here," Jack murmured from the table. "Hufflepuffs are usually considered to be 'just and loyal' eh?"

"Aye. And such loyalty, such trust would have been nigh impossible after what has happened to us after Hogwarts," said Jack quietly. Then speaking louder, he strode forward, "Give me the Sorting Hat, lad."

Little Hufflepuff!Jack cast a glance at Gryffindor!Jack then handed the Sorting Hat to Jack, a tad fearfully. All peered curiously as Jack laid the hat atop his head, closing his eyes.

It took a mere second for the Hat to decide this time.

"SLYTHERIN!"

Looking pleased, Slytherin!Jack passed the Hat to Jack on the table who solemnly put it on.

He turned to find Gryffindor!Jack's gaze, and returned a charming smirk.

"We—ll, I knew if there were a Slytherin among us, it would be you," Gryffindor!Jack glowered.

"Better a Slytherin than a Gryffindor, mate," Slytherin!Jack sneered. "I for one wouldn't have turned back for those fools. We would have had power and the life to enjoy it if we hadn't."

Gryffindor!Jack went slightly pale, while Hufflepuff!Jack looked from Slytherin!Jack to Gryffindor!Jack and back with confusion written on his features. Probably didn't remember what he hadn't lived yet, that one.

"RAVENCLAW!"

The yell turned heads.

Ravenclaw!Jack was setting the Sorting Hat gingerly down on the corner of the table across the burning candle. Looking up under their gazes, he grinned at them, "Can't say we hadn't expected that eh?"

Date written: July 2007

A/N: This was borne from a discussion with a friend on which Hogwarts House Jack Sparrow would place in. If you have read up to here, I will have to humbly ask that you imagine it ending with the Jacks gradually merging to become one Jack (as the four houses of Hogwarts stand united as one) by the time the motley rescue team arrives, because (as I warned at the start) given how it was written back in 2007, it's highly unlikely that I will find the feel to continue it. Sorry about that and thanks for reading.