A/N: Hey people! So, I was going through the character list and I saw 'Annabeth's Hat' and 'Riptide', and I was all like, WTF? Then, after taking a lot of caffeinated period medicine, this crack fic was born! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Logan Lerman: So, do you own PJO?

Me: (falls to knees) NOOOOOO! MY. NAME'S. NOT. RIIIIIICCK!

Logan: ._. Okay then….

….

Percy grinned as he clutched the Red Team flag, racing through the trees. He was so freaking close to the base, and no one was following him. It was too good to be true.

Actually, it was too good to be true. Before he knew it , he was surrounded by Ares and Athena campers, which was a pretty deadly combination for Capture the Flag. Percy only smirked as he pulled out his pen and quickly uncapped it…

…to find that it was still…well…a pen…

"What the crap?" His green eyes widened at his pen's failure to transform.

The son of Poseidon felt his face redden as he held out a simple ballpoint pen in front of Clarisse, who promptly burst into laughter. Percy hooked the flag under his armpit as he slapped Anaklusmos violently.

"Come on…." He muttered, the situation growing more awkward by the second. "Come ON, you stupid sword, you!"

Miraculously, the blade appeared at his last request. Percy grinned. "HA!"

Then, the sword floated in midair and began to beat the boy over his head repeatedly until he lost consciousness.

Needless to say, the Red Team won that night.

….

Annabeth giggled manaically as she held a bowl of warm water outside the Hermes cabin that night.

"Hee hee…steal my laptop, will you, eh? Hee hee hee hee….not this time…"

The sad part was the daughter of Athena had only left it in the Poseidon cabin three days ago. Poor Hermes cabin, being blamed for everything…

Annabeth gave one last evil cackle as she stuck on her invisibility cap and opened the door, crept into the cabin, and parked herself next to Luke's bunk, ready to dip his hand in….

Luke's ice blue eyes opened wide. "Annabeth? What the hell are you doing here?"

Annabeth shrieked as she accidentally spilled the whole bowl over her pajamas. She then automatically felt the top of her head. The cap was still there.

"B-but…b-but…." She stammered. "Why…."

Luke smirked as he pulled a random-ass squirt gun out of nowhere.

"Poor, poor, Annabeth…" he chided as he cocked his weapon. "You know what happens now, don't you?"

Annabeth gave him a cheeky smile. "I thought you forgot in Elysium…."

Luke shook his head as Connor grabbed a camera. "Nope. Say cheese, Blondie…"

…

Annabeth and Percy met the next morning in the dining pavilion, both pouting.

Percy gave his girlfriend a pitying glance. "Weapon mess you up?"

Annabeth cringed as she pulled yet ANOTHER feather from goodness-knows-where. "Oh yeah. You?"

Percy nodded as he pressed the ice pack to his forehead. "I don't understand…do you think they're mad or something?"

Annabeth remained silent as she thought for a few seconds, then her eyes lit up. "I know how we can find out."

A few minutes later, the two stood behind the Poseidon cabin. They both set their weapons on the ground while Annabeth pulled a pack of Red Vines™ from her pocket.

"ALOHAMORA!" She cried, as a bright flash of light erupted from the delicious snack. Percy chuckled. "Oh, Red Vines™. What the hell can't they do?"

Annabeth grinned. "I know right?" She then spotted Luke walking by. "JELLY LEGS JINX!" She cried as Luke froze in place.

"ANNABETH, YOU LITTLE STYX!" Luke screamed, struggling and failing to stand up.

Percy and Annabeth began to roll on the floor with laughter, until a rather ticked off female voice said: "Ahem."

The two demigods stood up to see a boy and a girl about their age giving them a shared annoyed look. The girl was Asian, with regular short-shorts and a fitted Yankees jersey. She wore navy blue Converse, and a Yankees cap tilted to the side of her head, smacking her gum and playing with her black pigtails.

The boy, on the other hand, had messy brown hair with blonde streaks. His eyes were hazel, and he wore a yellow Aeropostale T-shirt and grey skinny jeans, with rather expensive looking Vans and a gold watch. He checked his nails, with one hand on his hip. He then looked Percy and Annabeth, his eyes narrowed.

"You guys look a lot fatter," he said finally.

"MOTHER!" The demigods screamed as Annabeth jumped into Percy's arms.

"W-wise Girl? What exactly did you…" Percy began.

"Um…" Annabeth stammered, still clutching to her boyfriend's neck. "I kinda took our weapons' essences and put them in a physical manifestation…."

"Huh?"

The Asian rolled her eyes. "She made us human, dumbass."

"Well," Percy said, rather annoyed, as he dropped Annabeth on the ground. "what gives? Why have you been so PMSy lately?"

The boy rolled his eyes. "See? He still doesn't know." He then turned his back to his master, tapping his foot rather testily.

"We're upset with you," the Asian said plainly, smacking her gum.

Annabeth sat up, rubbing her head. "Why? We didn't do anything!"

"THAT'S HIS PROBLEM." The boy said pointedly, back still turned. "He doesn't do anything! Heck, he doesn't even think! Does he ever do what I want? No! No one cares about the sword!"

Annabeth blinked. "I…I think we should go see Chiron now…"

….

Five minutes later, the four sat in the parlor of the Big House, Annabeth and her hat sat on one couch, while Percy and his sword sat on the other. Chiron sat in the middle in wheelchair form, next to Pollux, who wore professional looking glasses and held a notepad. The son of Dionysus smiled as he took off his bifocals.

"Thank you for coming," he said softly, putting a hand on top of Annabeth's. "Really, thank you. So, I understand that there has been some veiled hostility between you and your weapons recently."

"Not really veiled," Percy grumbled as he rubbed his head.

Pollux snickered at what had happened to the son of Poseidon the night earlier, then tried to regain his composure. He then turned to the Asian girl. "So. Do you want to start…ah…."

"It's D.J. For Derek Jeter," D.J. said, shrugging. "Even though my name's Danielle. But call me that, and you die."

Everyone gave her a weird look. "Ooooookay…" He mumbled. "Why don't you start, then?"

D.J. pinched the bridge of her nose. "I used to be a proper weapon," she began, her eyes closed. "A symbol of stealth and reconnaissance. With nice design, too." She then glared at the blonde next to her. "But all SHE uses me now for her own selfish purposes." D.J. rolled her eyes. "Oh, D.J., turn me invisible so I can steal jellybeans from the camp store! D.J., turn me invisible so I can get out of canoeing! D.J., turn me invisible so I can have private makeout sessions with my boyfriend without getting caught!" She pointed to her chest. "I WAS WOVEN BY ATHENA HERSELF, OKAY, AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING TREATED AS A COP OUT ANYMORE! YOU HEAR THAT, CHASE? NO! MORE!" She sat down, her arms crossed over her jersey. "All right, I'm finished."

Chiron raised an eyebrow at Annabeth. "You've been using your invisibility cap for what?"

Annabeth's eyes widened as she punched her hat in the stomach.

Pollux took a few quick notes on his pad, then turned to Percy and his sword. "Um, okay, now, why don't you start, uh, Riptide?"

"It's Cody."

Everyone gave Percy a weird look. "What?" Percy said defensively. "He looks like a Cody."

"Fine, then…" Pollux mumbled. "You can start now."

Cody shrugged. "Well, it's very simple," he said calmly. "I just don't want to be associated with this credit-grubbing harpy anymore."

Percy's jaw dropped. "WHAT?"

Cody glared. "You heard me, Jackson! It's always I'm the savior of Olympus! I'M the one that killed all the monsters! I'M the one that killed the Minotaur! Well, I've got NEWS for you, Krill-for-Brains! If it weren't for me, you be DEAD by now! You hear me? DEAD."

Percy's eyes widened. "Whoa. I didn't know you felt that way. I didn't mean…"

"YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT? PERCY, YOU ALMOST KILLED ME ONCE!"

…

"Take this," Mr. Brunner said, handing the twelve year old his pen. "It's a powerful weapon. Guard it well. Only use it in times of severe distress."

Percy took it and scrutinized the pen, a 'what the hell?' expression on his face.

"This…" he finally said. "is a pen. This is a PEN."

Chiron rolled his eyes at the boy's stupidity. "It's an ancient battle sword…"

Percy slapped him. "THIS IS A FLIPPING PEN!" He yelled, throwing Anaklusmos on the floor and stomping on it repeatedly, blue ink pooling around it.

…

Cody sniffed. "They had to take me to Hephaestus for physical therapy for three months. THREE. MONTHS." He grabbed a tissue. "He didn't even handle me gently…" He began to cry, while Percy awkwardly put a hand on his shoulder.

D.J. blushed. She always admired how sensitive Cody was…and kind…and gentle…and well built…

Annabeth raised an eyebrow. "D.J., are you drooling?"

D.J. glared indignantly. "No! Wh-why w-would you think that?" She wiped her chin, and sure enough, there was moisture.

Annabeth giggled. "Ha. You like him, don't you?"

D.J. blushed. "Shut up. Besides, he likes Bridget, anyway."

"Who?"

"Katroptis."

"Ah."

Meanwhile, Cody had gone through two boxes of tissues and half his life's story. He was still crying on Percy's shoulder.

"A-and you know what else?" He sobbed. "I-I…I…."

Pollux held his hand. "It's okay, Cody. We're all friends here…."

Cody swallowed. "Percy…I can't stand blood."

Pollux, Percy, and Chiron gasped. "NO."

He nodded. "And Aegis and Maimer never SHUT UP about it. It's always Kill any more monsters, Riptide? Wound any more demigods, Riptide? It gives me the dry heaves, man. The. Dry. Heaves." He leaned back Percy's shoulder. "And then, there's this girl.

Pollux dropped his notepad. "WHO?"

Cody blushed. "Well, she's really pretty…."

"Bridget." D.J. mumbled.

"…smart…"

"Bridget."

"…headstrong…"

"It's Katroptis." D.J. said flatly, loud enough for everyone to hear. "He's had a crush on her since she was first forged."

Cody coughed as he blushed. "Actually, it's…um…" He mumbled something under his breath.

"What?" D.J. asked, really ticked off now.

"YOU." Cody said firmly, staring straight at her. "It's you."

D.J.'s mouth fell open as her pupils dilated. "Wh-what? You mean…you actually…not Bridget…me…froinlaven…"

Cody walked over and sat next to her, holding her hand. "Uh, yeah. I've kinda liked you for about four years now." He laughed nervously. "You probably think I'm an idiot, don't you?"

D.J. stared at him for a few more seconds, then wound her fists into his collar and kissed him violently.

"Awwww…." Chiron and Pollux cooed.

Annabeth shook her head, then stared at her bag of jellybeans.

"Man, I gotta cut down on these…"

….

"Chiron?" Pollux asked, as they sat in front of the Big House. "I think I realized something."

"What?"

"I…have a gift. A gift to help lost demigod weapons find their place in this world."

"Mm-hm…" Chiron began to restring his bow. "Pollux, did you get in your father's secret stash of wine again?"

The boy's purple eyes widened as he looked around quickly, looking rather suspicious. "Um, no?"

Chiron facepalmed. Just then, a clamor of voices were heard approaching the Big House. First, Leo Valdez came up, arguing with an African American girl with a curled perm, tan, muddy clothes, and thick boots.

"Look, Callie, baby…" Leo pleaded. "You don't mean it…"

"Oh yes I DO!" She cried, her eyes narrowed. "All you use me for is breathmints, breathmints, breathmints! Never a battle ax, or a pistol, or anything! I HAVE DREAMS TOO, LEO VALDEZ!"

Just then, Piper came up next to him, dragging a blonde haired, blue eyed girl in Hollister clothing behind her.

"But Piper…." She whined. "I'm just not MADE for this kind of thing! All you do is stab me into things! It's just so GROSS! HELEN never treated me like this! UGH!"

A loud scream was then heard. Jason came up, a red mark on his cheek. A girl with short auburn hair and green eyes wearing nothing but yellow growled at him.

"Did you really need to slap me that hard?" Jason asked, his eyes filling with tears.

"THAT'S for all the times you had to summon lightning with me," The girl snarled, crossing her arms over her chest. "Do you know how much it hurts?" Jason was about to answer, when the girl shoved a hand in his face. "NO. You don't. Because I absorb all the energy FOR you. If I wasn't here you would have been a grease spot in the DINING PAVILION by know, Lighting Boy!"

"Jaycee…you don't have to be like this…" Jason whimpered.

Pollux raised an eyebrow at the centaur next to him. "You know I charge by the hour, right?"

….

A/N: Wow. That ended up more cracklike then I wanted it to be O.o

Annabeth's Hat/Riptide pairing: Baseballpoint by madri

Story Idea: Courtesy of my virus, my toothache, and Midol (which does NOT help you sleep)

PEACE!