Chapter 5. Going home

During the next morning the dragoness became ever more restless. She would walk away from her mate, look up to the sky and beat her wings. Then come back and caress him. He returned the caresses, but apart from that kept his peace. After another long gaze at the sky she made a decision and started to wash herself clean of all mating. She breathed fire over her body and bathed in the flames, which singed her hide clean, leaving her odourless.
Yes, she was leaving, as now she had her eggs to take care of. They made their farewells by sharing long gazes, uttering soft, long lasting sounds and exchanging tender little touches with the head. Then suddenly, the dragoness rose and took wing. She circled the glade once, casting a last glance at her mate and then, with a scream, she sped off. Toothless shook himself and then stood motionless, looking up at the sky for a long, long time. After that he lay down on the spot, hardly moving for the rest of the day.

Finally, in the evening, Toothless came looking for me. I showed myself, keeping myself slightly turned to the side in order to leave the intensity of the contact to him. I heard him approach and felt his acknowledgment by a firm brush. But that was all, nothing more. Toothless returned to the glade and lay down again. Yet to me it was the sign to come out of hiding. I collected all the gear and settled near the treeline. There I built a fire to finally be warm again after three chilly nights and slept soundly.

During the next day and night Toothless took no notice of me, and I didn't mind to be honest. I had to eat, rest, wash and inspect the flying harness. Besides that, I definitely needed to recover myself. I hadn't had nearly enough sleep. I had tried to sleep whenever I was sure to be downwind, but the dragons woke me up again and again. But also, when watching them, I had been beside myself with wonder and rapture, being mesmerised by their play. I will never forget how they moved together, their scaly bodies gleaming in the light of the moon. Their howls had shaken me, electrified me. Hardly ever had I felt so alive, so vibrant, full of excitement. At times I got aroused myself, picturing me doing some of the things I saw to my wife. At times I even had to bite my hand to prevent me from moaning and screaming in unison.

And then there was another thing, difficult to admit, even now. When I witnessed my friend surrendering his maimed tail to the loving care of the dragoness, something in me had snapped. Tears streaming down my face, I watched the doings of the pair, until they dozed off. Then it hit me: how many times had I pushed Astrid away from my crippled leg? She had wanted to caress all of my body, including my stump. Or, at least explore it. But I never gave her a chance. Eventually she gave up on it. And I asked myself, what had I denied her? Denied us? For all my gentle nature, I had been adamant and hateful about this, hating my stump.

NO. At that moment the truth hit me, as both truth and naked pain permeated the atmosphere of the glade. The hate I felt was for all of my inabilities. The sheer unbelief that this strong, beautiful woman had chosen me. Had chosen my thin frame and maimed body over the strapping lads of our village. In bed, she was stronger than I, eventually taking the lead as I would not step up to it. Not that we had an unhappy sex life, but… I looked down on my leg, took the prosthetic off and bared the stump. What if I had let Astrid lay a loving hand on it? What if I would have been so much more man to her? The pain and shame of it washed over me. I took the stump in my hands, crumpled in the thick layer of leaves and cried my heart out in dry sobs, as my tears already had been spent. There, buried in the leaves, I grieved a long time for both the loss of my foot and for what I had denied the pair of us all these years.

When I had emptied, a picture came to mind: the playfully wriggling tongue of the dragoness, the way she had invited Toothless : come and get me, play with me? It instantly made me chuckle. Yes, I would change. Put aside my shame. The intensity of the love-making of the dragons had struck me, made me feel stirrings of unknown power in my own body… no in body and mind. I will explore that together with my wife, my Astrid. And whenever I get stuck again, this fun-loving, playful dragoness will be my guide. I chuckled again, thinking about this, while sitting next to my fire. Nevertheless, all had to settle to an easier level.

The next morning I again ate my fill at breakfast, a new fire burning. After clearing everything away, I heard Toothless move. He started to wash himself thoroughly, also by means of a fire-bath. After that he took a long drink in the stream and then walked towards me. Without a look or acknowledgement he gave the flying harness a nudge. Quietly and without any unnecessary touch I put it on him, and attached the luggage. Then I hoisted myself in the saddle. Toothless took off and circled the glade in ever widening loops until he broke away on a course back home.

On the first day of flying we kept quiet, only exchanging the barest necessary signals. Flying was much easier now. Toothless still had only partly connected, but at least he did not prevent the routine from settling in. Next day we found a stream full of trout and Toothless took his first meal. It took him a day of rest to start digestion and let the food strengthen him. I had noticed already that his ribs started to show, as he had hardly eaten for several weeks. That evening, when he walked by, he briefly looked me in the eye. Next morning he nudged me, and again gave me a brief look. Only then did I feel free enough to cast a full glance back.

I still refrained from touching him unnecessarily. Never before had we been reserved with each other like this, but it did not feel unnatural and there was nothing wrong between us. Over the next days I observed him. The air about him had changed. He was leaner than he ever was, but at the same time looked more powerful. He mostly kept quiet, but at times he would slowly stretch and roll as he had done with his mate. He was slow, but not sluggish. It was more like all movement had been done. There was a glow of satisfaction about him, although it didn't show it in anything particular.

"Your name should not be Toothless anymore" I thought, but no other name came to mind.

The long days of flight gave me plenty of time for musing: Now you will be a father too, Toothless, although not like a human father. By your own prowess, and by the sacrifice of my family, you have stepped into the circle of life. If all goes well, your dragoness soon will lay her eggs and there will be a next generation of Night Furies to grace the face of the earth. Wouldn't that be wonderful as there seem to be so very few of your kind?
It made me happy to think about hatchling Night Furies. What would they look like, frolicking around? And my hear ached for my own children.

I also mused about another thing: how is it possible that he does not miss her? I missed Astrid and the children so much that it hurt. Yet Toothless did not express grief, he seemed serene and complete. Maybe the memory of a dragon differs much from ours, I pondered. Toothless didn't forget a thing, I knew that. Could it be that he not only carried the memory of her in his brain, but on every inch of his hide, in every fibre of his muscles, in all of his being? He so intensely caressed every inch of their body, would she be imprinted on him so that he carries her with him now? Is that why I hardly touch him? To not mar her image on him? But there is just no way of knowing.

Toothless did not pick up my train of thoughts, as he surprisingly often does. Instead, he laboured to get us home. It had been my last worry: what if he would just rest and eat, as I guess any other male dragon would do? I had run out of food and could live on fish alone only for so long. But he flew us back, not eating nearly enough for the effort, his ribs showing more every day.
Instead of recovering, you bring us home, what a friend you are! Just two more days I guess. Hold on, Toothless!

I longed so much for Astrid and the young ones. My children would storm me with questions, I could picture it already:
"Was she beautiful, dad?" (the girls).
"Did they mate exactly like the Zipplebacks do?" (my youngest son, a very practical little guy, who is fond of Zipplebacks).
"Did she love him?" (they all love Toothless and think everybody should too).
"What did he do with her?" And so on, and so on.
Yes, I will tell them, in terms appropriate to them, about the fierceness and tenderness of their mating. About the difficult start. About how sweetly the dragoness eventually accepted his damaged tail. About how beautifully they had played together in the moonlight.
"Oooooohhh" they will sigh delighted. I can hear it already.
Yes, if this mating hadn't been a grace to the Creator, what would?

Once home, it took Toothless several weeks to become interested in us again. The children left him in peace, somehow understanding he needed time.
"He thinks about her, papa. And he is happy". So they saw that.
Their questions came, and I answered them. So did the questions of the villagers. Soon it was decided that if Toothless gave any sign of wanting it, we would do everything to find the dragoness. Maybe to even try and take her with us to our island, to live with her mate. With all of us.

The evening of our arrival I told the children, with my eyes on Astrid "You will all be sleeping out tonight. I want to have mama for myself" causing giggles and starry eyes. That night, in making love to my wife, she found out I had no inhibitions anymore. I felt so sparkling and alive, I had a new feeling of being totally whole. The idea of myself as a cripple had been left behind on that faraway glade. For the first time I was able to meet her fire with all of my own, caressing her "the dragon way" until she cried out in need of me. Oh, my dragoness!

When afterwards we laid in each other's arms, she whispered: "I was afraid I would lose you, either to the danger of his journey, or that you would ever more fade away into the dragon world. But that did not happen, you came back to me being all of your true self. What a precious gift your dragon friend has given you, given us, without even knowing it. I am so happy, my love."

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Dear reader, at first I thought this was it. But as time went on a writer's itch started all over again, so I wrote both a sequel called 'Silverwings and Toothless' and a prequel called 'Silverwings and Toothless-the prequel' (lame title, I know).

'Silverwings and Toothless' is a genuine love story that has been appreciated by many readers. Silverwings turns out to be the name of the dragoness. It's a long story, almost a book, but it is my finest work and very close to my heart. Like this story it isn't main-stream but it strikes a chord with many readers.

'Silverwings and Toothless-the prequel' I wrote more or less simultaneously. Silverwings really got under my skin. How on earth had this dragoness been able to accept a cripple as a mate? It's against nature, especially that of the fierce and proud dragon-kind. So I figured that earlier in life she met a lover who taught her that there is more to life than meets the eye. Out of scribbles emerged the character of Thundercloud who arrives at her calls in her first mating period. He introduces her to mating and shares with her much of his wisdom.
The story is rated M for mature content.

In this story I chose to be true to the mating of reptiles (adding bits of the mating of large birds and lions). But what makes it truly dragon-like to me is the intense lovemaking, and the sharing of painful feelings and fun. Toothless got very happy and contented, which is hardly lessened by the departure of his beloved dragoness. He is at ease and satisfied the reptilian way.

Also I chose to not leave Hiccups children out. In a village like Hiccup's, children would know the facts of life as they have seen animals mating like the rooster with the hens and the ram with the sheep. They would know the facts of life just like children in earlier societies or in present day rural environments. For my readers though I chose for a bit of prudence, so I sent Hiccup's children away for a sleep-over.