This story has been rolling around in my head for about a week. It has been hard to write, as some of it delves close to home. It is dark and delves into a side of Beckett that we never see, but know are part of her. This story is in no way related to Kill Shot, though there may be some of the same feelings. Definitely adult oriented (M RATED), and the end is slated for Castkett joining, but stories sometimes throw even me for a loop. Not sure what else to say, not my typical story. Hope you enjoy let me know what you think?

Disclaimer – Not mine, definitely theirs and this season I may actually be glad about that.

Broken

Chapter 1

The shades are drawn, the soft glow of the lamp in the alcove area, is the only light casting shadows into the living room. The TV sits dark and quiet in the corner, the only noise from her neighbors as they enter and leave their humble abodes. She sits in the far corner of her sofa; knees curled up to her chest, as if this particular position will be enough would make her disappear all together. The dark blanket drapes over her and is fisted for warmth and emotional protection, though she feels anything but warm or protection. The chill in her body has nothing to do with the temperature, and everything to do with her.

Kate came home after they closed the cryogenics case. The minute she walks through the doorway, the silence and loneliness creeps slowly over her without warning. The wife committed suicide on the assumption that her husband and her would come back to life in the future. It was a story of never ending love for each other; of loving someone so much you would die for them, something the ache in her chest tells her she doesn't deserve.

Kate glances around her apartment, her place of refuge, now a reminder of a life she doesn't deserve or will ever have. The strong, independent, confidant woman of the homicide division of the 12th sobs silently as she clutches her legs closer to her chest. In the silence she can't escape everything she has been running from, it crowds around her, smothers her. In the end this is the only place where she can't hide that she isn't as strong as everyone thinks.

Her failures tumble around her. The person responsible for her mother's death and her attempted murder is still out there. Roy is gone and the guilt from that is an overwhelming heavy burden she can't escape. At work she can't seem to impress Sir Iron Gates. Her work is the only place where she used to feel in control and confidant. Gates has ripped that away, leaving her questioning herself as effective, the anger from that sometimes consumes her to an unhealthy level. The tears run unbridled down her face.

Then there was Castle. He said he loved her. His words reverberate in her head constantly in an endless stream. Her dreams are plagued with the terror in his eyes when he thinks she is going to die. The look on his face when he walks into the Intensive Care unit, and the look a few minutes later when she dashes his hopes to hell. For two months she runs from him. She keeps him away knowing the hurt she was causing him; it is confirmed when he sends her an advance copy of Heat Rises. Her choices would dictate Rooks future in the cliffhanger at the end of the book. He is telling her in no uncertain words that he is as good as dead without her, and she has done nothing. She has kept him at arms length, waiting. She loves him, she knows she does, but she knows in her heart of hearts that she doesn't deserve him, and she will never be what he needs.

She is broken and he deserves so much better than that. Her heart isn't meant to link itself with someone like him, someone who would throw himself in front of a bullet to save her. She knows all the times he has shown her how much he cares and loves her. All she has ever done is push him away, lie to him and hurt him. He deserves more. He deserves to be happy; he deserves someone better than her.

Kate cuddles herself into the cushions of the sofa. She doesn't deserve his strong arms wrapped around her like they had when he pulled the wires from the dirty bomb. She doesn't deserve his fingers caressing her and refuting her claims. She deserves the cold inching its way back around her heart, the battered wall that won't let him in, the darkness, the loneliness, the constant ache in her chest.

How can she live with herself anymore when he sees him hoping and waiting for her everyday? She considers leaving, transferring to another state, or quitting the force all together. In isolated moments, that scares the shit out of her, she contemplates darker more sinister options, but as a cop and as Johanna's daughter how can she consider the cowards way out. The emotional pain of everything she carries will only stay hidden for so long, and these moments at home are crushing her. The pain in her chest a physical manifestation of everything she has worked so hard to keep under wrap.

Royce had been so right. She was living a life of "If only" and it was not only destroying her, but Castle and those he loves.

She feels the ache of wanting something so much it hurts. So much that it feels that without it you would surely die, yet getting it would destroy those you love most because she is broken, not enough, not what they all thought. She doesn't want to lose him, without him now life is empty. Her heart finally tasted what real love is and it yearns for more.

Kate's phone rings and she answers it without looking at the caller ID.

"Beckett." The sound of her voice echoes through her ears. She sounds broken, defeated, small.

"Beckett?" The concern in his voice is immediately evident, the man reads her like an open book.

"What is it Castle? I am busy." Again her heart constricts knowing she is pushing him away, when what she wants is the complete opposite.

"You ok? You don't sound well." He is worried and she hears it in his voice.

"Look Castle," she tries to sound annoyed. "What do you want?" But she can't hide the pain in her voice from him. She can't hide anything from him anymore.

"Look something is wrong, and you won't tell me over the phone. I will be there in 15 minutes." He closes his phone not giving her the chance to protest and talk him out of it.

Kate looks down at the phone in shock. He has never hung up on her. She picks up the phone to call him back and tell him not to bother coming, and it goes straight to voicemail. She leaves him a voicemail telling him he better not be coming over she has stuff to do and needs time alone. She calls him three times and each time it goes straight to his voicemail. He is purposely ignoring her calls, stubborn man.

Fifteen minutes later like clockwork the knock at the door alerts her to his arrival. She cracks the door not letting him see past her. She hides herself in the shadow of the doorway to keep him from seeing her tear stained face and swollen eyes.

"I am fine Castle. There was no need for you to come here to check on me. As you can see everything is fine." Her voice is a bit stronger than it had been but it is rough and pained.

He pushes through the door and stops immediately past the entrance. The apartment is virtually in total darkness. One small lamp near her computer is the only light in the entire place. He turns to look at her, confusion and concern spreads across his face.

"Beckett, were you in here in the dark? Were you sleeping?" His eyes run over her body taking in the over sized clothes and then the tear stained face.

"Yes, Castle now please let me go back to sleep. Move along, nothing to see here." She tries to make her voice sound strong, but it betrays her and cracks.

He steps towards her, and she looks at him like a deer in the headlights. "What are you doing?" she asks quietly as she takes a counter step back.

"Beckett, what's wrong?" Castle takes another step towards her, mirrored by her step back. This time the look on his face needs no explanation, the hurt and disappointment is there for her to easily see. He lifts his hand to touch her arm and she flinches away. His shoulders slump and he lowers his head in defeat.

"I care, Beckett. I am worried about you. This is not you. I want to help. I want to make things better for you." This time he makes no attempts towards her, and she walks away towards her sofa, putting space between them.

"Please close the door on your way out." The despair in her voice is unmistaken. She sits in the corner of the sofa and a soft sob escapes her. It angers her that she has lost so much control.

Castle hears it an as at her side instantly. "Kate, you're crying. What can I do?"

"Castle, please leave. You can open that door, walk out that door and spare yourself pain. You can take off the rose colored glasses you wear when it has to do with me, and throw them away for good. You can stop following me, and find happiness, hope and love." Her heart is breaking, it physically feels like it will stop beating soon, and that would serve her right. She doesn't meet his eyes; she can't bear what she will see.

"Kate," his voice barely more than a whisper. "You're sending me away?"

"Go Castle, before I do something that will hurt you, and those you love. Leave while I haven't destroyed you." The tears are streaming down her face steadily now. The damn breaks and the sobs become uncontrollable. Castle moves towards her and sits on the edge of the sofa right next to her. He strokes her head and she cringes as if burned.

"Damn it Beckett, what is wrong and what did I do? I obviously did something for you to act like this. Why are you doing this?" He loses his temper and yells at her. He grabs her by the shoulders and forces her to look at him.

"You want to know Castle? What? You want to know that I am broken. That I'll only hurt you? That I put you and your family in danger, just knowing me? That I don't deserve your love?" Her eyes widen and she stiffens at what she has just openly admitted. He looks at her in shock. "I'm Broken, Castle. I'm broken and I hurt those I love."

"Love?" The word escapes his lips in a whisper.

She stops talking and drops her head onto her knees. She hugs her knees up close to her chest and wishes silently that the world would open up and swallow her. He stands up in front of her, and in one smooth motion scoops her into his arms, turns and sits down with her on his lap.

"What do you think you are doing, Castle?" she yells at him. She struggles to get up. His arms lock around her keeping her in place. "Let me go, Castle."

"You don't mean it, Beckett." He holds on tighter to her as she fights him. The tears rolling down her face. Her voice is no longer loud. Her body shakes in his arms until she finally succumbed to his hold on her, as her sobs rack her body.

He holds her tightly to his chest and tries to soothe her by placing a kiss on her head, and smoothing her hair away from her face.

She hates showing this kind of weakness. She hates it more that he is seeing her like this. She tries to stand up again without success and finally settles into his arms. Her face nuzzles into his neck to avoid his painful but probing look he is giving her.

"Don't do this Kate."

This was going to be a one shot, but I have changed my mind. I am guessing one or two more chapters at the most. I love Kate's character; she is complex, strong and beautiful. If she was real it would someone I would admire, but if she were real she would have flaws like the rest of us. Her past is littered with painful experiences she has not dealt with and eventually will have to face. This fanfic is one of those moments, where she is vulnerable and needy, happens to the best of us. Hope you enjoy and please, please, please leave me a review. Since this strays from what I usually write I would love the feedback even more. Kill Shot might kill me 13 more days!