Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein, but occasionally I borrow them for stories.
Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: WRITING IS TIRESOME YEAH, azimah19, RebeccaSaysYay, FrozenBrokenSunflower, kimmy540, Cuddlyporcupine, CaKuRamen, LightningIzzy, Raexion, Nanabug, KousakaAmatsuki, GermanyIsAwesome-NotPrussia , OneGirlStudio, SchrapnelGirl, SullyWullyBunny, XXItsSoColdXX, XxTomatoBoxFairyXx, Lunda Lacrimosa, Regal Panther, Super Sister, Frina17, , renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers. (last chapter everyone, thanks for all your patience and the wonderful reviews)
As always persons unknown to the author will have their dialogue typed in italics. Arthur's dialogue will be in regular font.
Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part VII
I know who it is... Francis... come over here... I need to speak to you.
Angleterre? What is eet?
I need your help...
Ah oui, perhaps if I remove zis, non?
Not that kind of bloody help!
Que?
What?
What?
Look just shut up and help me in this... I have an idea to unmask our kidnapper.
You zink ze kidnapper is 'ere... is one of us?
I bloody know it is and they have an accomplice.
Non!
Yes!
Who?
Shut up froggie and listen. I need a diversion.
Oooh I see, Angleterre... I can do zat... oh yes...
Hmm, right... On my cue I want you to cause as much disruption as you can... okay?
Ah oui... dérangement... oui.
Why does everything you say sound bloody perverted?
Hmmm, it eez just a talent that I have...
Right when I say Agincourt...
Ah poo... why does it 'ave to be Azincourt?
Agincourt, you bloody frog...
Azincourt... you monster...
Oh bloody hell... okay, how about ... Waterloo?
Sob...
Maginot!
Ah mon Angleterre, you are soooo cruel.
Okay, you think of one...
Napoleon!
You can just bugger off.
Coco Chanel! Givenchy! What about... hmmm...
Pepé Le Pew?
Eh?
Right-o, good show. When I say Pepe Le Pew... you cause a distraction. And I mean a proper distraction. I want everybody looking at you and ... stop looking at me like that, you idiot...
Ah oui, I know just what to do...
Right, let's go back inside... Bwahahahaha... this kidnapper, this little trickster has nothing on me. I am England, the home of Sherlock Holmes...
Home of Sherlock 'omes?
Shut up. I just need to have a chat with Hamish... Hamish! Hamish... (whispers) do you still have that costume?
I keep telling yer it's not a bloody costume... it's a kilt...
No... I mean that ghost costume..
It wasna me that scared Miss Lily...
I know it wasn't. I know what's going on. I need to borrow it.
Aye, okay...
I also need a distraction... just give me a few minutes.
So Arty dude, what's the plan? Do we get this show on the road, get my dudes outta there with this here baby or what?
What the bloody hell? And put that rifle down before you hurt somebody.
Ja, it is bruder's rifle and he would not like it if you were waving it around.
Indeedy, Miss Lily, quite right.
I...I... can hear rumbling... oh ve... fratello... hold me...
Dammit, get off me...
Don't hug me!
I too can hear rumbling... It sounds like... oh Pol... it sounds like Mr Russia...
Yer all wee jessies, so yer are... get off me, yer little gay Italian girlie.
It's thundering, people. Just calm down.
Woohoo! Get in! A real-life thunderstorm... This is just... brilliant. It's just like those slasher movies, Arty. I told you...
Arthur, you didn't tell us who you thought the kidnapper was?
Let's all go into the drawing room...
What?
Drawing? They have a room for drawing?
... Fools, the library then...
(sounds of Chopin)
... or in that room there where Austria is... come on everybody. I will reveal who the culprit is...
Ah oui like zat famous detective Hercules Perrot?
Hercule Poirot, yes.
Zat is what I said. He is French, non?
No, he isn't. He's bloody Belgian.
Ah oui... Agatha Christie... I did not read her novels, non...
You didn't read her bloody novels because there was no bloody sex in them. She was a fine lady. A wonderful woman... sigh.
Dude Arty was in lurve...
Actually...
Can we get on with this, please, Arthur?
Si.
I want my husband back. Christmas is on its way and if he's not back by then...
Mr Finland, I'm so sorry...
Aha! Of course you are, Lily...
Aaaaaargh!
The lights – who turned out the lights?
It's a full-blown terrorist attack, that's what it is. I've got my gun. I'll protect us!
(sounds of gunfire)
Alfred! Stop bloody shooting!
Mein Gott! The piano! You... you... uncultured...
I am cultured... I had yoghurt this morning! Tell him, Arty...
Roll call everybody! Shut up Alfred... who is here... shout up, everyone.
There are rolls? Bread rolls? Ve, I am sooo hungry.
You just ate, fratello...
This is just bloody chaos, man... Arthur yer a jerk... it takes a Scotsman to sort this mess out... where's ma lighter.
All the lights have gone out, Arthur.
I know, Erin...
Someone must have pulled...
Yes, the fuses have gone... I know...
Antonio... mon sweet leetle Espana...
(grunts)
Ah... he eez okay... I will check for a pulse... oh yes...
Leave him bloody alone, will you...
There, yer wee jessies... I got ma lighter... does anyone have a cig?
Well done, Hamish... I say...
Liet, like, does my hair still look okay?
Of course, Pol... I don't like this at all though... that thunder sounds very close...
Poland, you look gorgeous!
Pepe Le Pew!
Nah... dude... more like... I don't know... Bugs Bunny?
I always liked Daffy Duck...
Yosemite Sam...
Mr Russia used to like The Aristocats...
That's Disney, not Warner...
My Little Pony...
Shut up, all of you.
Arthur, stop shouting...
Ma lighter's gone oot now. Stoopid England, shouting at everyone. It doesna help.
Shut up, Hamish, Erin... Pepe Le Pew!
Que... I zink you know zat Mr America would be Simba in ze Lion King...
Pepe Le Pew!
Mr America is a simpleton, going around shooting up innocent pianos. I would zay he is Goofy.
Hay dude! I am the Hero... I'm more like Indiana Jones..
He is not a cartoon character, Amerika.
Pepe Le Pew! For God's sake, Francis!
Ja, that would suit Francis... dirty pervert... the indignities I have had to suffer... peering at me through windows when I lived with Ludwig. It was disturbing .
Ah oui, I remember eet well... ah mon Angleterre! Of course...
(sounds of stumbling and a crash, the thunder rolls)
Bloody damn blast...
(singing) Je vais et je viens, entre tes reins...
Mein Gott! You're not coming between my loins!
Oh. My. Word... Francis! Put your clothes back on...
Can someone put the light back out?
Get off my leg... mein gott! Vaht is wrong with you?
Francy! Get off me... I ain't like that...
That's not, like, what I heard, Mr Amerika... is it Liet? I mean when you lived with Amerika...?
Pol!
(singing) Tue s la vague, moi l'ile nue...
I don't want to be a wave and you are most definitely not my naked island or anyone else's...
Your French is very good, Austria...
(singing) L'amour physique est sans issue
Well your physical love is going nowhere with me...
Ah mon Autriche! I have always... argh!
There... the Hero has saved the day. No, don't thank me, Austriana.
I am not... danke...
Get yer pants back on, Francis... we can see yer meat and two veg...
(whispers) Diane, I can still bloody hear them down here... Well done thought, Francy... you can always rely on Francis to strip on cue... Now then... where are you...? I've figured it all out... bwahaha! The blood on the floor... the ghost...
Aaaaargh! It can't be!
Bwahahaha! Gotcha!
Dude! Not cool, dude... you can't go around dressing like a ghostie... hey! It's Arty... Arty is the kidnapper!
I'm not! It's not me! It's her...
Mr England! Me? How could you? (sobs) Oh Mr Austria...
I might have known... all this talk of the War... Every single person who has been kidnapped has been in a war with you, haven't they?
And you can just shut it, Roderich...
Arthur! Scaring innocent little girls... poor Miss Lily...
I am not... It wasn't... Francis! Help me!
Eet iz not Arthur... eet cannot be... I know eet iz not 'im... he eez too 'airy... oh yes... I know Angleterre's body...
Shut the bloody hell up!
Right, the Hero will sort this out, let's get him, dudes...
I am grabbing no-one... it is beneath my dignity.
Mr England I never would have thought – you of all people...
It wasn't me! I sprang a trap – to capture the kidnapper. I knew when the lights went out that the culprit would go and check on their prisoners or kidnap someone else. But ... they've kidnapped enough people... haven't you, Lily?
Oh Mr England? How could you? (sobs)
Can it, lady... You didn't mean to kidnap Francis did you? When he tried to touch your leg you let him go, didn't you? And there was no ghost was there?
(sobs)
But dudes... why would she kidnap her own brother?
Ja, it does not make sense... and Germany and Sweden... Prussia... well I understand that, ja... perhaps we can leave him there, ja?
Take out the biggest threats... That's what I said before. Miss Lily is military trained by the Swiss Army... she knows how to use a gun and how to tie a rope... am I right? Prussia and Denmark just accidentally wandered in and I think Sweden also figured something out... was it the blood stain, Miss Lily? It wasn't blood was it?
Those idiots Gilbert and Mathias got beer on my dress and the colour ran... Prussia leaned against the hidden lever that opened the dungeon...
Dungeon... oh ve...
... and just stumbled in... and Denmark came straight after. He said he was looking for his dude.. I gave them a keg of beer...
Which was drugged, wasn't it?
You're guessing all this aren't you, Arty?
Nope. Go on, Miss Lily.
I only intended to kidnap bruder... just to show that I can look after myself for once... But then it got out of control... I'd drugged the beer so that Denmark and Prussia would not bother me...
Because you didn't have your brother's protection?
Well... Mr Sweden... I'm sorry Mr Finland... I put him in with big bruder... I didn't mean to knock him out...
But how can she have? She vas with me and Miss Erin all the time I was playing the piano.
She had help, didn't you?
There's another?
Right, I want to go and rescue my husband...
Wait a minute, before we rescue anybody. Don't forget there's a very angry Russian down there...
Yes, why Mr Russia?
Well... I like Mr Russia... Every-time I see him he asks me to go and visit him and I always wanted to talk to him on my own... but big bruder always stopped me...
Good Lord.
Hey dudes, why me? And why Tony dude?
I'm sorry Mr America... you got too close to the secret passageway... and I didn't mean to knock out Mr Spain...
So, you didn't fight off a whole horde of super criminals... it was just a small girl in a red dress...
She had a gun!
I actually let you go, Mr America...
I fought my way outta there, girly chick.
Erm... well...
And your accomplice?
Oui! I know... I know... pick me... ask me... it was...
Peter Horatio Sealand! You are a very naughty boy. You will be grounded for this...
Aw, Dad...
Berwald! I've missed you!
And I missed you... I was locked up with...
...I am going to sue you, Arthur Kirkland... you and your Government... for false imprisonment and ... and...
Chillax dude, it was your little sister who did this...
Lily? Nein... there is no way.
I'm sorry, bruder...
We should really go and get the others...
Lithuania, we might need your help in this...
Like, leave my Liet out of this... and Miss Lily, where is my gorgeous car?
Hmmm I didn't steal it... tell them, Mr Austria.
Ja, she was with me the whole time England were yelling at Poland and Lithuania.
And I can't drive... Dad Sweden said I was too young...
Y'are.
And I want to rescue Luddy...
Okay, okay, everyone... Quiet... Quiet...QUIET!
...It's a disgrace, that's what it is.
...I loved that car.
...I miss Luddy.
...My lawyers will be hearing about this... thousands of Euros in compensation will not make up for...
...Oh why don't you shut up? It's all about money with you, isn't it Switzerland?
...I was a hero, man... there was loads of them... all armed with guns...
QUIET! Do you want me to get Francis to take his trousers off again?
Honhonhon... I love it when you are all masterful, Angleterre...
France, get your bloody clothes back on. Lithuania, we need vodka, now. Hamish, go and get Erin. Alfred, you stay well out of the way... he's going to be angry enough as it is without you opening your big mouth. Lily, do you still have that rope?
I want to know how you knew it was Sealand, Mr France?
I could smell ze sea...
Will everyone just chop chop? Right-oh, let's do this, chappies...
(sounds of clomping down steps)
Lily... lead the way...
Oh... I see...
Oui, I remember now... zis is where I came out but zis door... ah I see.
Well, that's bloody clever... how come you knew about this, Lily?
Many years ago bruder and I stayed here... just earlier on I asked if I could go up to my room? Does no-one ever listen to me?
You did?
Ja.
Okay, which one is...
Geeeerrrrrrmaaaaaannnnny!
Feliciano? Italy? Are you there?
Germany? Germany? We have come to rescue you.
I suppose we'd better let him out as well...
Kolkolkolkolkolkol
Just wait your turn, Ivan... we'll let you out in a bit...
Germanyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I missed you Luddy-kins so much...
Luddy-kins? Hahahaha! Right, open this one, Lily...
Gilbert and Denmark are in there...
Aw look! How sweet...
Zay are very, how you say... wrapped up in each other...
They're still drugged! What did you put in that beer?
Erm... I don't know... that was Peter...
Well, Uncle Den keeps calling me a pansy kid and taking the remote off me...
Italy, get off me... I'm please to see you, but...
I love you, Luddy...
Right, so this cell has Russia in it... Bloody hell. Dear Lord... Lily open that door...
She is not going to be the one who opens that door!
She's the bloody one who locked him in there!
He was really nice about it... but then he ran out of vodka and got a bit angry... so I ran out.. and locked it and then he started kolling...
Anybody? Open the door? Please? Oh, okay... here goes... Hamish... if anything should happen to me – you're the personification of Britain, okay?
Yahoooo! About bloody time! Ahm gonna be the best Britain anyone has ever seen...
I haven't bloody died yet!
Si, but tea bastard, it is only a matter of time, si?
Who is responsible around here? I have spent the best part of two hours locked in that smelly cell with just my paperwork... and no pen...
Gerrrrmannnyyyyy! Luddy!
KOLKOLKOLKOL
Dear Lord...
I think someone had better unlock Mr Russia's door...
Yer think?
Yes, go on Arthur... get it over and done with... like pulling a plaster off... it will all be over in a minute and then I... will be Britain!
H...H...Here's the key, Mr England...
Everybody run!
Diane, I hate to swear and use profanities but... fucking hell, where is everybody? Oh dear... here we go...
(sounds of wood splintering)
Kolkolkol! Mr England... I do not like you... I do not like anybody... Mr Pipe is very angry...
Well, you don't bloody say... argh! Someone help!
Vanya! Oh Vanya! I'm so glad you're alright! Were you hurt? I was so worried...
Erin! My little Ireland! I was kidnapped by little Lily and we chatted and she said she wanted to visit St Petersburg and then... and then...
Nnnnggggghhhhh
Vanya, could you let go of my brother, please?
Oh, da... Vodka! I missed you!
Oh dear Lord...
Vodkaaaaaa!
(Dictaphone is switched off)
(Dictaphone is switched on)
Diane... I'm alone now... In the bathroom I'm sharing with Alfred. Not that he's in here with me...
I totally am! Hey what's with this plastic thingy with the flowers on?
It's a shower cap, you moron... Dear Lord... you're not supposed to wear it there!
I don't get it, Arty dude.
On your bloody head! Oh God... I'm destined to spend the rest of eternity sorting out these bloody morons... Alfred! Close that bloody shower curtain...
Anyway, Diane. It's Sunday now and the rest of the morons arrived – Hungary, Belgium... ah sweet Belgium... er yes... Estonia, Norway... Denmark and Prussia finally came round. Unfortunately. They seem to think they'd been to an all night party and got wasted. Spain still has no idea what was going on. Russia... well thanks to Erin, he calmed down with a bottle of vodka and a promise that Erin and Lily will visit him in St Petersburg. I have no idea what Vash will say to that – no-one will really as he's now in Alnwick Hospital being treated for very high blood pressure.
Dude? Who are you talking to?
Shut up! And close that bloody shower curtain! Bloody hell... And don't forget to wash behind your ears... Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Peter bloody Kirkland is under house arrest. Sweden says he is allowed nowhere unless accompanied by him or his mom... I mean er Finland. I haven't seen Germany since he was set free... bloody Kraut. I bet he's complaining to Chancellor Hitler... er I mean Merkel. I am not totally convinced that there wasn't a second accomplice... Hmmm... I don't quite trust that bloody Pole. I'm sorry but any bloke who goes around wearing a skirt...
Your brother wears a skirt!
Shut up! And rinse that shampoo off...
Why are you in here anyway, Arty?
It's the only bloody place I get any peace...
Tell them about my awesome escape...
Which really wasn't, was it?
Hell yeah... look at that! That soap bubble looks like France's...
(Dictaphone is switched off)
(Dictaphone is switched on)
Diane it's finally Sunday night and I can bloody well go home. Idiots... oh God... the drinking... Russian bloody folk songs. We all had to keep Russia happy so we all ended up doing Cossack dancing. It was worse though when Gilbert laughed and got a pipe embedded in his head. He's now in hospital – the same ward as Vash – who'd have thought? I think Russia's gone back to St Petersburg now with my bloody sister and... Lily... dear Lord. Austria and Hungary have gone off to see some concert somewhere. Italy and Germany are going on a tour of the south coast... Ha! That bloody Kraut tried doing a tour of my south coast once before... The Nordics buggered off to Jorvik... York... sodding nutters... I hope they left their axes at home. They'll get a shock if they go in the Jorvik Museum.
(sounds of radio)
Lalalala ... P..P..Poke her face...lalala... just like a chicken that can sing... weird lyrics... bloody Americans...
Talking of cross-dressing... there's Poland's hire car... I mean really... what's it doing there? Oh, there's someone stood next to it... hang on... I bet Poland and Lithuania broke down.
Hallooooo! Do you need a ride? Well! Latvia! What are you doing here?
Erm... Mr England... I'm erm...
I say, old chap.. jump in and I'll give you a ride to the station. Where's Poland and Lithuania? Isn't that their car that got stolen?
Nav... I mean, no.
Guess what happened this weekend? I mean really... it's a good job, young man, that you weren't there...
Oh, really?
Yes... of course I solved the mystery. Nobody can beat the English when it comes to deducing and detecting.
Oh, really?
Yes. It's damned weird though, Mr Latvia. When America and Spain were captured... Lily was downstairs and there was giggling and... oh well... who knows?
Of course, Mr England. I suppose no harm was done in the end, was it?
Author's Notes:
I'm not going to explain Waterloo or Agincourt (actually Azincourt is its proper name, but all English say Agincourt), however, the Maginot Line was a series of tank fortifications and concrete fortresses built during WWII to keep the invading Germans out...
Pepe Le Pew – a cartoon character from Looney Tunes. A French skunk who tours Paris looking for l'amour
Cig – British slang term for cigarette
The song France is singing is 'Je t'aime ... moi non plus' (French for I love you... me neither) and is very explicit and breathy. It was banned in some countries.
Tour of my south coast – England here is referring to the Battle of Britain and Germany's plans on invading the south coast of England during the 2nd World War.
And of course well done to SeafoamPurpleCurtains who guessed it was Sealand (or one of them...)
In Part I of this story I mentioned Lily saying 'Can I go up to my room?' – I know I was being naughty not giving out many clues – I wondered if anyone would spot that the first victim was Vash and that Lily was erm a little clingy with Austria... then of course I had France dropping a load of clues – small, hairless, someone who's relatively sane, the red stain in the cellars... I was just messing with you all. And of course the biggest clue of them all – France singing 'Beyond the Sea'. Perhaps Francis is far cleverer than we think? And of course the ending I leave to your imagination.