A/N: this is more of a response to all the Romance that's been plaguing the Bleach section. Honestly, it's like each category has its own disease.

One Piece: Mary Sues

Kingdom Hearts: AkuRoku and Zemyx (seriously they barely know each other)

Bleach: Romance

Anyway, this is more or less my way of making fun of it. Enjoy, but I must warn you, there's gonna be a lot of couple bashing in here. If I mention anyone's name or story, it's by pure coincidence because I made everything up. And as I'm writing this note, I've decided to break everything up into chapters depending on the couple. And it won't be complete until Bleach comes to a close or until the next Arc brings me great disappointment.

Disclaimer: Why the hell would I own Bleach if I'm posting this on a site dedicated to FAN fiction?

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Chapter 1: Ichigo and Rukia

Ichigo sat in his room, casually browsing the web on his brand new laptop. His father had bought it for him shortly after he lost his Shinigami powers, and it really did help with passing the time. Though, he was beginning to get bored. The internet was a huge place after all, so maybe he could find something to pique his interest. The ads on the side of the page were little of no importance; however one of them appeared to be in English. Ichigo hadn't been in school long enough to really grasp they're language, but he still knew enough to get by.

He clicked on the link, and was brought to a search engine. It was no different from the Japanese one he used, but it still interested him with all the pictures of celebrities and people of interest. In the search box, he quickly typed his own name, but paused when another name popped up next to his in the suggestion box.

Ichigo and Rukia? Just how did anyone know about them?

The screen flickered and a large number of results popped up. Ichigo became nervous when he clicked on a random link and waited for it to load. There were nothing but English words on the screen, but he could still read it.

"Bleach? What's that supposed to mean, and…fan...fiction?"

He apparently landed on some sort of 'Community' dedicated to true love and straight romance. The list of stories apparently dedicated to him and his friend sent his mind into a spiral of confusion. Too many questions buzzed through his head as he stared blankly at the screen. Sensing his brain going into overload, he rushed out the room and into the bathroom.

A few cold splashes of water to the face brought him back to reality. The fact wet face stared blankly at him in the mirror was proof enough that he wasn't completely insane. However, what he saw couldn't have been real. It took a few minutes of staring and blinking before he could return back to the rather disturbing sight left on his computer screen. And of course, it was still there.

Ichigo unconsciously held his breath as he began reading one of the summaries provided by a random story apparently named 'Just a Girl'.

Rukia may have been a Shinigami, but she was still just s young girl looking for love. When she met Ichigo for the first time, she new it had to be love!

The orange haired boy's eye twitched as a blush steadily rose on his face. Moving along, he decided to look at another. Why, he had no clue. Perhaps it was morbid curiosity.

A few keystrokes later, Ichigo found another story, 'Court of Souls'. There wasn't a clear summary to go by. All it said was 'i suck at summaries but its really good. Plz read and review'.

Almost immediately, he clicked away. "Ichigo stared into his girlfriend Rukia's beautiful blue eyes" was probably the worst way to start anything off. Her eyes weren't even blue! Slowly but surely, the beginnings of a headache began to form. Maybe he should stop there. It was going to take a toll on his sanity pretty soon. But the strangest urge to read more wouldn't leave him alone. There were many pages to look through, so he skipped ahead and kept looking.

The next story he picked at random was called 'Leaves on Water'. It had a nice title, so maybe it wouldn't be as traumatizing as the last. Though, the name next to it sort of caught his attention. Chocolate Covered Whips? That was strange.

AU. Ichigo is a bisexual BDSM master who works at a club. A new client named Rukia sparks his interest and they began-

Ichigo cried out and leapt out of his chair.

That was it. Ichigo couldn't read another word. Just what the hell was up with these people? Maybe he was having a nightmare. Any second now the room would collapse and he'd end up falling to the point of waking up. That had to be it.

"Big brother!" Yuzu's panicked voice called from the other side of his door as she knocked. "Is something wrong? I heard you cry out!"

Ichigo stayed silent as he stood in a defensive position in front of his laptop. His face dead set in a confused scowl.

"Big brother?" Yuzu said again as she entered the room. Seeing him in his position, she looked from the laptop and back to Ichigo. "What's wrong?"

Like a robot, Ichigo turned his head to the side and lowered his stance.

"Yuzu. Am I in a dream?" he asked stiffly.

She gave her brother a long, concerned look.

"No. Why would you be in one? Hey, your face is all red, did something happen?"

Ichigo, as calmly as possible, closed the tab which contained the fowl website, erased his history, and then shut down his laptop.

"Big-"

"It's nothing. Yuzu. Nothing at all. I'm going to go to bed now."

"But it's only noon."

"I'm going. To bed."

Ichigo's hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. Whatever it was that was bothering her brother, Yuzu figured he could handle it.

"Uh, ok…" she said meekly as she left, shutting the door behind her.

"It's not real. It's a dream. Everything is fake. All this boredom is just getting to you. Maybe in the morning you can find a job. Yea, a good paying job." Ichigo told himself as he undressed and curled into a ball under his covers. If he wasn't dreaming now, he was sure he was going to have nightmares later.

-Meanwhile, in the Soul Society-

Rukia's eyes went as wide as an owl's as she backed against a wall in the 9th Divisions barracks. Hisagi had let her see his laptop since she was so curious about modern technology. In fact, he had been more than happy than to let her have a bit of free time with it after showing her the basics. However, she really wished she hadn't at the moment.

Ichigo and her in love? With children?

The thought itself made her stomach turn and left a beet red blush on her face. It was official; she was going to avoid computers for a long, long time. Maybe a few hundred years would suffice.

Chapter 1: End

A/N: Sooo what did you think? I'm a failure at humor. Really, I don't know how some people manage to like what I have already. Questions, comments, flames, suggestions; I welcome them all.

For future reference, I'll just list all the pairings I plan on doing in the future.

Ulquiorra x Orihime (Oh come on I have to)

Ichigo x Orihime

Hitsugaya X Momo

Byakuya X Rukia

OC X Any Character (may end up as filler, suggestions welcome)

I'm using these because these apparently are the 'star' couples of the Bleach fandom. And it's almost impossible trying to find any story without shoveling my way past 25 romances in a row. There should be a filter out option for normal browsing.