My Name is:

Gohan

It burns.

It hurts.

And yet...I can't feel anything.

It's a strange feeling. To know pain is there but not feel it. To simply know.

…

Why can't I feel anything?

…

Oh, right. That monster.

...another monster.

Why is it always earth? Why is it always someone I care about? Why can't I get like this before someone gets hurt?

It's always after.

Always...always after.

-The First Time-

Raditz slammed his heal into Goku's ribs, causing the broken saiyan to scream out in pain. Though muffled, Gohan could hear the pain of his father none the less. It wasn't long, after hearing enough of it his mind snapped. His saiyan blood took over, and his brain could only retreat further into his subconscious to protect itself. Gohan shot out of the space pod, red energy surrounding him as he flew towards his uncle. One head butt was all he could manage, but it dealt more damage than the other two full grown fighters had been able to inflict throughout the whole battle.

That was the start of it. He was only a toddler, but that energy inside of him was revealed. That potential. Through his training with Piccolo, Gohan came to learn he had something powerful inside him. Something very...very...dangerous.

-DBZ-

The lightning is searing my flesh. White lightning. It dances beautifully.

It hurts even more than the flaming energy.

My body was never meant for this kind of power. My mind was never able to handle it.

Yet it is without a doubt mine.

Why is it mine? I don't want it. It hurts so much...

...but I'm the one bringing more and more out

-The Second Time-

The fight with Nappa was a hard one. For Gohan it was his first real fight outside of training. Piccolo had never gone easy on him, as far as he could tell anyway, but the real thing was so much more...scary. Throughout the fight, Gohan could feel sparks of what was in him go off, but it would never set a fire like he wanted it to. He couldn't hold it. And before he knew it, he was on his last leg with a giant energy beam coming right for him.

It was out of the corner of his eye he noticed something. Sensed might have been the better word. A sinking feeling made its way inside his gut when he saw his mentor throw himself infront of the attack. All he could do was watch in horror as Piccolo yelled out in pure pain. Pain that was meant for him.

As the Namek fell, Gohan rushed to his side. Why had he done that? That attack was rightfully his, it had been his own weakness that put him in that position. Why had Piccolo taken the hit for him? Why!

"You're...the only real friend I've ever had...goodbye...my friend..."

Gohan's eyes widened at the words. They took moments to sink in. Friend. Goodbye. Piccolo...was gone. Like before, Gohan's mind retreated. He couldn't handle the thought of his mento...his friend dying. And with his mind gone, his blood took over. Free, his power shot higher than ever. Words left his mouth, but Gohan wasn't even registering the slightest of brain activity. It hurt. If it was the pain of loss, or the pain of the energy...he wasn't sure. He couldn't tell, he didn't care.

–

I've been like this too many times. I always seal my power away to tightly for fear of it...

...only to be unable to reach it until it's to late.

My blood feels like it's on fire.

My heart feels so cold.

I never want to feel like this again.

I'm tired of hurting.

-The Third Time-

Frieza was a monster without equal. Truly, he was something out of a nightmare. The power he gave off was scary enough...but you could feel more of the energy being hidden. You knew he was holding back...and that was the part that scared you the most. The unknown is always scary. And the fact that the max of this monster was unknown even though it was so high...it was terrifying.

Krillin and Gohan had formed into a powerful duo through all the fighting Namek held. He may have been something of an uncle to him before, but now he was definitely a friend. And Frieza just ran his horn right through him. Without even the slightest of resistance, Krillin's body just went limp.

Gohan's mind had slowly been growing used to these things. Death was becoming a familiar threat. It did retreat again, but not all the way. It was the first time the five and a half year old boy came face to face with himself. Before it had always been his "other self", that thing that came out whenever he blacked out from something horrible. That part of him that wanted to kill. That part of himself that scared him.

No, Gohan could no longer keep the truth hidden when it was right before his eyes. He wanted to hurt Frieza. He wanted to maim him. He wanted blood.

He wanted to kill.

It wasn't some other side that wanted to take a life, it was he himself who wanted to kill.

–

Blood.

I can see blood on my hands.

Blood which will never wash off.

Blood which isn't mine.

People say it's okay, because they were evil. They don't understand.

Evil people's blood is still blood.

They say it's okay, because it was in self defense.

I know I was strong enough to stop them without killing them.

I chose not to.

They say it's okay, because I saved countless other people by doing it.

They don't understand blood saved doesn't wash off blood spilt.

-The Fourth Time-

Gohan hated Cell. He wanted him gone more than anything else. But...he couldn't bring himself to go through with his father's wishes. He knew very well what Goku had been trying to do. It had been the same plan he had back at the Time Chamber. If he could tap into that energy, that raw power he seemed to have...he could save everyone. And that thought had lead him to become a Super Saiyan. But Gohan could feel more within him. He new very well he was strong. Stronger than his father probably. But there was something holding him back...something only Gohan could see. And that was why Gohan knew Goku was a better fighter than him.

It was a wall he had built himself and had been using for the larger part of his life. He noticed it when he fought against Frieza, and it had made it's full size known when Gohan had tried to draw more of his hidden energy out.

Throughout his years, Gohan had known he was different. He was the only person his age fighting like this. He had always tried not to dwell on it, but life always found a way to remind him. One would think he felt different when compared to other kids his age...but that wasn't it. He had never had any friends his age and species to compare himself to, and find how different he was. You could say he was blissfully ignorant of that.

No. He felt different when compared to the other Z-fighters. They were all grownups. They were his friends, sure...but they were not his age. They dealt with problems differently than he could. He was still to young to know how to handle these things. And that made him feel weird. Like he was all alone in a wide world that hated him.

And because of that, Gohan had built a wall around the massive power inside him. He was scared of it. It just seemed...dangerous. He seemed dangerous. If that energy got out, he would hurt someone. And even Cell deserved to live, even after all his evil. A life is too precious a thing to spill. If...Cell would just leave them alone...or change like Vegeta did...Gohan could save the world without having to realize the truth. The truth he feared.

The truth that he wanted nothing more than to kill that monster. With no one his age to lean on...he couldn't talk about his problems. He could only build the walls higher and higher. To make sure he didn't do something he would regret.

And then Cell broke those walls down.

It was the first time Gohan had been able to hold onto his massive power. It wasn't a quick burst. It was a steady flow. He had awoken. Seeing his friends beaten like that...he just couldn't stand it anymore. Cell had backed him into a corner. The monster wouldn't leave and he wouldn't change. Words wouldn't reach that thing. With the walls down, the monster Gohan feared himself to be was proven real.

He was ready to do more than just kill.

It took his father dying to snap him out of it. It was while his father said goodbye that he experienced for the first time being calm while tapping into his massive power.

It burned.

–

I want to attack. I want to kill. I want to remove everything that could ever hurt from the world.

I want to cause more pain to that monster.

But I don't. Why is that? What's the secret?

-DBZ-

Gohan had asked Hercule to take the credit for beating Cell before leaving. He didn't want anything to do with it, no matter how much that reporter pleaded with him for an interview as soon as they got their equipment back up. Gohan couldn't place it, but there was something about Hercule's eyes.

Pity?

Possibly, but it didn't seem quite right. The man was clearly an idiot, at least from the Z-fighters prospective, but he had his own kind of smarts Gohan could see.

It was actually just that which drew Gohan's attention to the man. He was clever, and could think on his feet. But there was an overall sadness in his charade which resonated with Gohan. That brick breaking thing the old fool always did. No matter how many he seemed to bring out, he was always just one brick short. No matter how much better he got, he was always just one brick short.

He was always one brick short.

Maybe it wasn't pity in Hercule's eyes, but understanding which made Gohan give the credit to him. It was credit he didn't want anyway, and without Hercule and #16 - Gohan would have been to afraid of himself to even fight.

It wasn't till seven years later till he saw that man again.

–

I think I understand. I think I know. I think it's because I ask why.

It's because that I don't want it, that this energy is mine.

It's because no one else can spill this blood...

...that I have to do it.

Blood is already on my hands. A little more won't hurt.

Call me selfish. Say I gave in. I really don't care.

I love her too much.

-The Final Time-

Gohan met her before his first day of highschool. They were both juniors. Both in the same class. Only a seat would separate them. But fate couldn't wait any longer to push the two together. It was as if she was the Universe's apology for all the horrible things it had thrown his way. It was like fate had been trying to get them together for almost half their lives.

The daughter of Mr Satan.

Videl.

Could it really have been just chance? By giving the credit to Hercule, Gohan had made the man rich. Rich enough to send his daughter to the best highschool Satan City could offer. The same school...the only school which was good enough for the oldest of Chi-Chi.

He couldn't point to when he fell for her. When he taught her to fly, probably. But he had always liked her. She was strong, and his saiyan blood liked that. She had a sense of justice and couldn't help but help people, and his calm side liked that. Everything that one could fault Videl for, Gohan could note as a reason why he loved her.

And then Buu showed up.

-DBZ-

It burns.

It hurts.

..but I can't feel anything because of her.

It's a strange feeling. To know you're in love. To simply know.

…

I'm glad this monster came to us first. Anywhere else in the universe and no one would have been able to stop it. So many lives would have been lost before we would have even known of a threat. To many.

This time, I'm ready.

This time I'll kill it once and for all.

–

Gohan's fairy tail ended at that Tournament. He should have known. With his father coming back, to many good things were happening for something horrible not to come and balance things out. And as he watched her get hurt right infront of him, he wanted nothing more than to end Spopovich. He didn't even feel bad about it afterwords.

And when the Supreme Kai had tried to restrain him, he had broken from the weak paralysis so easily he almost hurt the Kai.

Gohan showed no remorse as he thrust his arm right into Spopovich. Yamu, the shorter one was smarter however, and used his ally as a distraction as he slammed a energy container into Gohan's side. It hurt, having his energy sucked out like that. It tore through his mental walls which he had put up, leaving him in as much mental pain as physical.

And then as the fighting continued, the past seven years caught up with Gohan. He was rusty. Out of tune with himself. His emotions were all scrambled due to Videl. He couldn't focus. He was trying to draw his energy out so no one got hurt, but he kept going about it the wrong way.

He was going to protect Videl.

But he failed. Buu was just to strong, and he couldn't sync with his hidden energy.

He was all but killed.

Videl was told he had died. She was forced to deal with the possibility of losing him. She had cried.

He had made her cry.

Hell, he had killed infront of her. He couldn't forget the look she had. Sure, she thought she had killed the man not to long before. But she hadn't been trying. Gohan had.

And then he took off with the others, just leaving her there. He couldn't face her. She knew, but more than that...he knew. For the second time in his life he had followed through with his emotions. He was a monster. He had killed, without worry. And he didn't feel bad for it. How can one feel bad about not feeling bad about something?

Fate had finally thrown him a bone and he had managed to mess it up. Still, he wanted to protect her. She was all he could think about as he lay on the ground, dying slowly. She was the only thing on his mind as he trained with the Zeta Sword on the Kai home world. She was the only thing he thought about as the Elder Kai brought out his potential.

She was all he could think about.

But by the time he got back...she was dead.

-DBZ-

The lightning is searing my flesh. White lightning. It dances beautifully.

It hurts even more than the flaming energy.

But it's okay. My body can take it, render the damage to zero. My mind has matured enough to handle it.

This power is mine.

I don't want it. It hurts so much...but I need it.

I'm bring out everything this time. Everything.

–

He could feel something begin to snap. The last filter his mind had always been able to hold up, to keep the bulk of his true power back. He could feel it slipping.

But then...something else caught his attention. It was her.

It was Videl, whom was still alive.

It was faint, but he could sense her...within Buu. And so, he set a plan in motion. One that would end with him getting caught.

He could feel Goku and Vegeta fuse not long after he was eaten. Gotenks and Piccolo had gotten caught in the crossfire, but he would save them to along with Videl.

Gohan would save everyone.

Eventually Goku and Vegeta joined him inside the Buu. It took all three of them to make their way to the others. There were...just so many inside Buu though. Millions of pods held humans. Anyone who had been eaten was inside here. The three of them could only carry so many, so they freed the more powerful people inside along with their women and then made a break for the outside.

Just as they got outside however, Buu changed. He became the Kid Buu. The one who was the most powerful out of all of them. He lacked fighting skill. But made up for it with an overwhelming amount of power and speed.

Kabito Kai was barley able to get to them before the planet was destroyed.

After some talking, Kabito Kai took everyone save Goku, Vegeta, and Gohan off the Kai planet. Gohan watched silently as Videl left. She was still out cold...but her face made him realize something.

Something important.

-DBZ-

I've been like this so many times. I always seal my power away to tightly for fear of it...

...only to be unable to reach it until it's to late.

But I'm older now. I understand myself. She helped me understand myself.

I never want her to feel like this again.

I'm tired of hurting her.

Blood.

I can still see blood on my hands.

Blood which will never wash off.

It's her blood. Blood that was spilt from her while I watched.

People worry about me, they say I'm losing myself. They don't understand.

I'm already long gone. When I saw her hurt, I took the walls down myself.

They say I should be careful, that this kind of power is dangerous.

I'm calm though. The energy isn't bursting out on it's own anymore.

I choose to let it out.

They say with great power comes great responsibility.

They don't understand. This kind of power comes out from me because of her. I couldn't use it without her. It wasn't my responsibility to fall in love. It was my choice. This kind of power is far to strong to be held back by something like responsibility. It comes from love, and it'll keep coming out till I know she's safe.

I want to attack. I want to kill. I want to remove everything that could ever hurt her from the world.

I want to cause more pain to that monster for hurting her.

But I don't. I won't try to make it suffer. It's a life, and if I have to end it I'll end it quickly.

It hurts.

It burns.

...but I can't feel it because I love her so much.

The lightning sears my skin as it dances around. It feels like something is trying to rip it's way out of my own body.

But I can ignore it because I love her. My body can take it.

I've always had walls around my power, sealing it away for fear of myself. I was scared of what I could do. What I would become. Who I would hurt. I was scared that I would kill someone, even if they were bad.

I never liked fighting, but not because I simply didn't like to fight. It wasn't because I was peaceful. The exact opposite. I didn't like to fight, because I did like to fight. I loved the thrill of causing enemies pain, and I was afraid of myself for that.

–

It was a daring move. Using all the energy the people could give to power a spirit bomb. Even with Gohan at the Mystic level, Goku at the Super Saiyan 3 level, and Vegeta at Super Saiyan 2, the three of them couldn't finish off the beast. Sure, they had decided to fight the monster one on one, a choice that had startled the Kai's. But Buu was simply at his base form, fighting only with his own power and the people of earth.

They would fight fairly, because they were saiyans...but it was more than that. To fight alone helped them tune into their own powers and reasons for fighting. When fighting together, they had to move with their partner, think about what they were thinking and fight together. But to fight alone let the fighters focus on those whom they had to protect.

And for Gohan, that was Videl.

It quickly became apparent they would have to pull every card to win though. With Goku being alive, he burned through his energy in Super Saiyan 3 to quickly, his living body unable to keep the strain of that kind of power going. Gohan was distracted by thoughts of Videl, and a constant worry of her rejecting him now that she knew the kind of monster he really was. And Vegeta simply wasn't powerful enough to finish the job, though he could get close.

And so, a plan was put into motion. With the help of the Supreme Kai, Dende wished upon the Namek balls to return earth and all its people back.

Then the three fighters pleaded with the revived humans, asking for help. With some help from Hercule, the energy was given and Goku was left holding the most powerful ball of energy that had ever been created.

But Gohan was on the ground and Vegeta was all but beaten. With them in the way, Goku couldn't bring himself to through the ball. Buu took advantage of that, breaking free of Vegeta only for a moment to let a monster of an energy beam fly towards him. Goku could only watch as the attack slammed right at him, sending him crashing down.

It was then, that a familiar memory pinged into the minds of the three fighters. It only took one look and a smile to know the plan.

Goku thrust his arm up in order to keep the Spirit Bomb in the air for as long as he could while yelling out to Vegeta, telling him to give it is all. Vegeta mustered together everything he had and flew up to the sky, catching the massive bomb. Just like all those years before when Vegeta had attacked earth, Vegeta was treated to the reverse view. Throwing the ball, Vegeta let out a battle cry worthy of a prince. Buu saw it coming, dodging with an instant transmission.

But Gohan quickly got up and held his arms out. Just like before, Gohan reflected the ball towards the sky. It was no doubt harder, but Gohan was stronger. And right when his hands touched the ball, he felt an energy in the ball.

It was her energy.

Time itself stopped as he felt her energy resonate with him from inside the bomb. She had accepted him. She had given her power to help him kill this monster. She understood, and was okay with who he was.

Gohan wanted to fall to the ground and cry. She didn't hate him. He wanted to thank any god that would listen.

The ball flew up, to fast for Buu to react. He was forced to try and catch it, but Gohan was to much for him. With the help of one final wish to replenish his spent energy, he powering up and let every mental wall fall down as he unleashed his true potential. A kamehameha hit the Spirit Bomb, and Gohan poured his everything into pushing the bomb into Buu with his attack. He wasn't scared of himself. He wasn't holding back anymore.

He was...simply, himself, for the first time ever.

–

It doesn't matter anymore. She knows I have blood on my hands. The only thing that matters is that I protect her.

I'm scared that she'll be afraid of me now. And yet, I'm excited that her father promised me I could ask her out if I saved the Universe one last time. I'm calm because I can feel her energy inside this Spirit Bomb dad and Vegeta gave me.

I need this power. I sometimes wish it weren't mine. But I need it. To save her, I need to fight with everything I have.

It's a real part of me. I enjoy fighting. I'm willing to kill to protect the ones I love.

I don't want to kill, but I will. I just want peace, but I'm ready to fight. I've never felt so...good. To have this off my chest. To have every last wall finally torn down. To finally be myself and like who I am, because she likes who I am. I'm still me. I've always been me.

I've sealed it away for to long now. This is who I am.

My Name is Gohan, and I'll protect everyone with this attack Buu.

Especially a girl named Videl.

Notes:

You ever just...have a need to write something?

Just a two shot, expect a Videl version soon. And expect an update in TaP soon as well. Just had to get this out of my system first. I hope you all enjoy it!