A/N - Thanks to gleefaberry for helping beta this story and ensure that I stopped with the run on sentences and split infinitives. And welcome to the end of TCA. I always wanted to write a HS faberry fic and am so glad I did and finished it.I really hope you enjoyed reading it despite (or maybe due to) the angst.
Paradise
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
And dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
And dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
She'd dream of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh
Lalalalalalalalalalala
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
There will always be moments of panic for Quinn and there are still times where she acts detached from everything and the only thing that grounds her is some kind of link to Rachel. It's never the same thing though.
Sometimes it's a physical connection, a touch of their hands or better yet, a hug followed by kisses, behind the bleachers. Once, it was this look they shared as they passed each other in the hallway. Eyes locked and focused such that Quinn actually had to turn around to keep that particular connection until Rachel finally turned into her class.
More times than not, it's been text messages and notes written on thick paper slipped between the eaves of her locker. Rachel knows that Quinn's not being stealthy or trying to hide what they have. It's more about having something that's just between the two of them, a secret they share that makes all the difference because they can be honest and know that it won't change the way they feel about each other.
#$#$#$#$#
'I miss you'
'It's just until lunch'
'Doesn't mean I can't miss you'
'No it doesn't.'
'I feel like some fresh air?'
'Are you asking or telling?'
'Asking?', 'Rach?, 'Meet me by the bleachers? The couch is still there..'
'Ok'
'1 4 3'
'I love you too'
#$#$#$#$#$
'I'm so sorry.'
The note at least starts off with an apology even though Rachel just does not want to read all the reasons why Quinn still feels the need to not be completely honest with her. It hurts only because she knows Quinn is hurting too. Some days she feels so tired of the push and pull of this relationship.
But then something inevitably happens like Quinn giving her that shy smile before leaning in for a kiss in front of most of Glee Club, sending Finn red with embarrassment and Kurt squealing for joy. Or the time Quinn waited outside her house with a bouquet of lilies so big, it obscured half her body.
What Rachel does not understand is Quinn's propensity to shut down so completely that even she has a difficult time getting through. It's only happened twice before since they walked into school together hand in hand. The last time was because Russell had shown up again and made a scene at the house.
Rachel had thought that Quinn would at least allow herself some form of comfort but she had proceeded to lock herself in her room and all Rachel could do was sit outside the door and listen to Quinn cry. Hoarse sobs finally subsided into quieter ones after half an hour. Quinn opened the door a full four hours later as she leaned against it, almost falling backwards until she felt Quinn's arm grab hers.
Even then, all Quinn had done was to ask her to go home, her voice pleading. And Rachel had not wanted to leave because she could see how much Quinn was hurting. But when she reached out and Quinn flinched, it made her realize that as far as they had come, it was just not far enough.
And it wasn't the first time she went home to cry herself to sleep, hiding her sobs such that her dads could not hear them even if her daddy had given her a look the next morning before shaking his head and telling her that she still had a responsibility to look out for herself.
Even then, at least she knew what had set Quinn off. This time, she has no freaking clue and truly wonders if she'll even get the whole of Quinn and not just parts of her. So she takes a breath and reads the rest of the letter.
'I know I've never said it. And each time you say it, I feel blessed and scared but know that each time, I feel less scared than the time before. It still does not explain why I've been distant though does it?'
Rachel shakes her head as if answering Quinn's written question. It started earlier this week and initially, Rachel had been afraid that Judy had started drinking more heavily or Russell had turned up at the house again. Only she had seen Judy at the vegan store actually buying stuff to cook when she came over and by the looks of it, everything was fine at home for Quinn.
Coming out at school had been harrowing for the both of them for all of a week. During that time, Finn had been the one to surprise them the most when he had taken the initiative to confront the hockey team and a few lacrosse idiots. Rachel would never know for sure but the limp he had, the cut above Sam's eye and the bruise on Noah's cheek immediately preceded the end of major bullying and only a few snide remarks that they could easily ignore.
Santana and Brittany were even more overt as if trying to take away some of the spotlight from them. It was such that their hand holding almost became a permanent fixture. But it was also Brittany's first speech as Senior Class President when she introduced Santana as her girlfriend to the applause of most of the student body. Of course that was probably more for the kiss she planted on Santana than her actual words.
So with Kurt and Blaine and Santana and Brittany, their own relationship seemed like just another one. Quinn's occasional moods were still holding them back though.
'I want so much to be there for you like you have been there for me. And I don't mean only this year. I know you have always tried to look out for me even when I bullied you and called you names.'
There's a tear stain on the letter and Rachel knows it's always been a difficult admission to make for Quinn. It was the first thing she apologized for after saying sorry for the first two kisses she had taken from Rachel. And even now, she would get this look in her eye when she hears someone call Rachel a name that is not her own. Even if it's just Santana and it's more a joke than not, Quinn would looked pained before she jumped to Rachel's defense.
'I know you got into NYADA and what I don't know is why you didn't tell me. Your dads are so excited and proud of you and so am I. I love you and I am so proud of you and I want so much to be there for you.
My mom's college roommate is a recruiter for Yale and I talked to her months ago. It's a long shot with odds so low, it's not even funny. But I get to be near you and it's all I can think about. Seeing you every weekend, taking the bus into New York so that you can show me everything you love about that city and convince me that you or maybe, we belong there. And, even if not Yale then definitely NYU because it's near where you are. Only you not telling me about NYADA maybe means something too.'
The letter for early admission had come last week and Rachel hadn't opened it immediately. She put off knowing if she got in, for a movie night at Quinn's. They have this tradition of watching Judy's entire collection of movies from the golden age of cinema; which meant Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant and especially Grace Kelly and the both of them trying not to notice the resemblance they see in the actresses to each other.
It's not physical appearances for Rachel but the characters they play and how Quinn gives her a sidelong glance that speaks volumes when they watch Funny Face. It's her hand finding Quinn's as she rests her head on the blonde's shoulder when Jo sees the plane leave. It's the kiss they share when the characters on screen are in the church.
'I know writing it is so very different from hearing me say it and I want to. It's not that I don't think it or feel it. And it's not for the reason that I know you're thinking.'
She has no problem accepting that maybe she loves Quinn more than Quinn would ever love her. She knew Quinn wasn't keeping something back but just that Quinn couldn't give of herself easily. Her dad still thinks that she's settling but at least admits that she actually really is happy. And each time her daddy hugs her, she hears him whisper in her ear 'You deserved to be loved.'
And she knows that she does and she knows that she is. Just because Quinn can't love her more didn't mean Quinn didn't love her at all. It was something she accepted like the fact Puck would tell her about his video game exploits even if she had no idea what he was talking about and recognized maybe four words out of ten. So, yes, she thought that Quinn just couldn't love her like she loved the blonde.
'I've never been in love. Or to be accurate, I've never been in love until I realized I loved you too. And I love you so damn much that it still scares me. Because what happens when you realize that you don't love me anymore and I know that I'll always love you?
'So I don't know what else to do but to just keep loving you and I promise I will tell you.'
She suddenly gets it, and there are a few more tears dotting the paper. And all Rachel can do is to take a few deep breaths because right at this second, all she wants to do is to find Quinn and hold her and kiss her and make her understand that she's always going to love her.
"I love you. I do."
She hears the words even as she registers Quinn's presence next to her. She ignores the urge to look around and see if there are people around who can overhear their conversation. All Rachel feels is her heart beating in her chest at the words spoken by Quinn.
But more than that, it's the fact that her heart is whole again, a bit bruised and slightly battered but not broken as she had thought it was. And Quinn had done a lot to find all the pieces she had thought lost forever. Each time the blonde did something like write her a note or call her just because or send her flowers or hold her when she needed it or especially when she didn't…all those moments saved her heart. And right this second, those three words make her feel like nothing can ever change the way she feels for Quinn.
#$#$#$#$#$
"Are you sure?" Leroy looks around, needing to take a seat because he suddenly feels a bit older than he should. It's just the thought of his little girl not being so little anymore such that there is this young woman in his office asking him for permission.
And at least he's thankful that it's not permission to marry Rachel, at least not yet although he's pretty sure that that is coming sooner than he will be prepared for. Even this one was already fraying his nerves although he's pretty sure it's definitely harder on Quinn.
"Yes, sir. I..I love Rachel. I know you may not think that I love her enough and you're probably right that I should love her more. And each day I do. And I know that she'll not talk to me for a few days or maybe a week…god I hope it's not a week…" She trails off as she sees Leroy try and hide his smirk.
"You think it'll be a week don't you?" And she drops her head into her hands at his nod.
"Hiram didn't speak to me for about two when I had the talk with his parents."
"What did they say?" She's a bit less nervous and a bit more optimistic only to groan audibly when she hears Leroy's answer.
"They said no." And he does feel a bit bad for playing with her like this because he can see that she's trying and more importantly, he's seen his daughter and how she positively glows. "Only I wasn't asking as much as demanding they accept me without giving them any reason to."
He sees a lot of himself in Quinn and the one thing he notices the most is the fact that she truly does love his daughter. Even if she didn't show it at first, he can see her trying so hard now. "Rachel's going to be angry at me more than you so you have to tell her I said this." He smiles when he sees her surprised look.
"You don't need my permission to move to New York and be with my daughter. I think she's going to be angry that you're giving up Yale for NYU and that is a conversation you need to have with her and not me."
"I don't feel like I'm giving up anything but like I'm gaining everything." It had been a surprised to get her acceptance into Yale but the fact that all she felt was the weight of not seeing Rachel every day made her final decision so damn easy.
"She's not going to see it like that and to be honest neither do I." Leroy won't admit to liking Quinn Fabray like he won't admit to accepting Noah Puckerman as part of their family. In the end though, he's always made extra desserts because Puck had the sweetest tooth known to man and Quinn loved his daughter enough to want to give up her future for her.
"She loves you and I know you love her. You'll talk daily and spend weekends together. And you're going to both need to grow up and understand that there's more to life than Lima and you're both going to need the time to understand what being a grown up truly means." He sees Quinn shake her head and knows that she's as stubborn as Rachel is although Rachel did get that particular trait from him. So he can be a stubborn ass too.
"You think you're doing this for Rachel, for both your futures but what you're doing is giving up your future and there is no way I'm going to let you do that much less Rachel." He finally sees her understand what he's saying even if he finally looks away because he knows she actually gets that he cares for her too.
"So my answer is no because you deserve to find your own way knowing that my daughter will always love you and Rachel deserves to know that you love her enough to be with her even if you're seventy miles away. "
#$#$#$#$#$#
"Please don't be mad" Rachel used to tell her that she could just tell what she was thinking by looking at her eyes and Quinn feels the same way. Only Rachel won't exactly look at her. She had listened to Leroy Berry and told Rachel the truth or at least tried to until her girlfriend stormed out of the room.
At least she didn't leave the house, instead curling on the sofa downstairs as she stares her hands wringing together which Quinn hates to see because she knows what it means.
"I'm not mad." Rachel won't look at Quinn because she knows that when she does, she'll not be able to get what she has to say out before she just kisses the girl. And right now, she knows that it's important to just say the words first.
"I never told you about NYADA when I first got the letter because I just wanted to spend time with you and not think about when…"
"When we're finally apart?" Quinn finishes her sentence when Rachel finally looks up at her. "So you're ok with us being apart?" It hurts to see Rachel nod but Quinn's figures she needs to get used to feeling hurt.
She frowns when Rachel silently goes to the study and all she can hear are drawers opening and shutting before her girlfriend appears again, arms overloaded with thick folders colored red, blue and green.
And when she finally gets to look in Rachel's eyes, all the hurt she thought she felt falls away because all she sees and all she knows she'll ever see is love reflected back as Rachel hands her the red folder, its front marked with the words Transportation.
When she opens it, she's assaulted with every single mode of transport and directions between New York City and New Haven, travelling times and a little key denoting comfort level, mode of transport, distance and number of stops.
"I started that the day you told me about Yale." Rachel hands her the next binder, this time the blue one. This one is labeled Townships. And when she opens it up, she sees all the towns between New York City and New Haven, each one with a summary of living conditions and the different types of dwellings available.
"Staying on Campus for the first two years is important but after that, we could choose somewhere in between. It'll be a commute for both of us but Stamford's nice or maybe New Canaan." All Quinn feels is this pressure around her heart, not pressing inwards but expanding out, like she finally feels everything and finally gets what it means to love someone so much that it makes her heart swell.
She feels Rachel's thumb swipe at her cheek but she really can't help the tears now. "Happy tears, right?" And all she can do is nod and smile tremulously back before Rachel takes the folder and replaces it with the green one.
This one doesn't have a title on the front and she really does not know what to expect until she opens it to see it filled with letters, photos and screenshots of text messages. All of them from her to Rachel and back and photos of them from the start of Glee club to the present. The binder is only a quarter filled and Quinn knows that it will be fuller before they leave for the East Coast.
"You kept everything." There a bit of wonder in her voice although there's a lot of understanding because Quinn knows she'll want as many things as possible that reminded her of Rachel to take with her wherever she went. She already has all their performances that recorded, going as far as to use Puck to scare Jacob into making copies of all the recordings of Rachel that he had.
"We can do this." Rachel takes the binder from her hands and places it aside before grasping both of them in hers. "Having our own dreams won't make what we have any less special and I've already done up a schedule for our first year. It'll be tiring but you're worth it and you deserve Yale."
"And you deserve everything." It's the kiss that always seals her promises as she bends down to capture Rachel's lips. She feels free and young and most of all, she finally feels completely loved.
The End
Thanks again for reading. I have a sequel in mind but just took on a new role at work and am swamped with..well work. I will try and write when I can but I only post when I know I will finish a story. So what I've done is set up a livejournal account and I'm going to start to post unfinished stuff there or things I've written but haven't finished as yet. I will also upload my finished stories there (eventually). So the sequel for this will be called The Civil Wars (great band and amazing first album and I am thinking of using the titles of all their songs). So come visit jomarch05 at livejournal.