Guilt

Summary: Sam ponders events that made him walk away from his brother when he begins to understand that maybe Dean's reactions and reasons aren't what he immediately thought they were. Bummed!Sam/ Upset!Dean Spoilers for Season 7/06 Slash Fiction.

Tags/Spoilers: This is tagged to the sixth episode of Season 7, Slash Fiction so it may contain spoilers. Do not read until you've watched this episode.

Rating: I'd say K+ since it holds a few swear words but nothing serious.

Disclaimer: As always, I own nothing. This is just for fun and to work off the frustration of tonight's episode.

Author Note: This is my first tag in a while so I'll apologize if it's not up to par yet. I have another planned for this episode in the 3rd POV but Sam wanted to talk tonight so this came first. Thanks for reading.

Ever since I got my soul back and have been struggling to keep my sanity even while visions of Lucifer and Hell were blaring in my thoughts I had one constant. I knew that no matter how much he might doubt me or worry about me, my big brother had my back.

All the doubts, the lies, the mistrust that we've suffered these past few years have been put behind us and once again we can fully be brothers…or so I thought.

I've known the past few weeks that something's been off with Dean. I've known him for twenty-eight years so I should've recognized the signs. Dean's drinking picked up while his eating went down. He's been sullen and moody for no good reason since even Dean Winchester needs a good reason to be sullen and moody. All clear and present signs that he's been keeping something from me…and today I found out what.

At first I assumed that it was just the fact that Cas, the Angel that had literally pulled my brother from Hell and had been our friend, had gone dark side when he was taken over by the new mega villain in our lives, the Leviathans. Or it could've been the fact that our long time home away from home, not that we ever had a steady home, had been burned to cinders when Bobby's house was torched or finally the broken leg Dean suffered or his concern over my mental state or even being put on trial by an Egyptian God and being forced to face Jo.

All good reasons to brood but none of those were what my brother was keeping from me. I had thought my opinion mattered when I made my case for Dean to let Amy live and he'd agreed. He'd looked my in the face and lied. Dean had gone behind my back and killed Amy and I had that tossed in my face by the clone wearing my big brother's face.

Maybe walking away from Dean on the dock wasn't a smart move but right that time I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't stand to see him since all I could think of was that he'd lied to me. It was supposed to be a new start, a new beginning, a fresh start and he'd lied to me.

Amy had sworn to me that she was done killing. That she and her son would move on and it was over. Why couldn't Dean trust me? Why couldn't he understand that Amy had killed her own mother to save my life years ago? Why couldn't he…

It's been a few hours since I walked away and I guess Dean's probably halfway back to Bobby now to compare notes with what he now know. I should be relieved. I was angry and when I'm angry, things just get worse between us because I pop off before I think and usually say crap that just hurt both of us.

Of course since finding out how the Leviathans were tracking us, it's left us falling back on ways that neither of us have used since we were kids. No credit cards, new false Ids, and not being able to use the Impala…which I know will hurt Dean more than anything else.

The drawback now I figure out is that we haven't converted anything to cash yet so I'm down to about twenty bucks on me and no idea of where I'm going, what I'm doing or how to get anywhere.

Dean's been the one strong constant in my life even in the bad times. He's called the shots, made the choices and could figure out how to survive like this at the drop of a hat. I got too used to letting him make the choices and my temper has just left me walking to nowhere.

Amy was something we hunted, I knew that and I knew when our paths crossed again that no matter what she said that eventually, sometime down the road, she'd kill again. It was in her nature to kill. It was how her kind survived. She promised she'd never kill again…but Dad…

Dad. John Winchester raised his sons to hunt the evil that killed our Mom. Dad would have taken one look at Amy and wouldn't have thought. He'd have gutted her right there in front of me. Hell, it was Dad and Dean that had been hunting Amy's Mom to begin with that year.

My Dad's biggest rule was never forget what they were. If they were bred to kill, if they needed to kill to survive then no matter what they said they would kill again. Dad taught Dean that. Hell, he'd practically beat that lesson into my brother more than once.

I never noticed before but I see a lot of Dad in Dean at times, especially when he's so determined and cold…especially when he'd drinking. The other night after he'd drunk a fifth of Jack, I saw my Dad in Dean and that was the first night since I was a kid that I stayed in the bathroom long after my brother finally drank himself to sleep.

Dad drank because he could. Dean drinks to bury the guilt. Dean's felt guilty for killing Amy, for not telling me about it but it still pisses me off that he lied to…crap.

Tired, still coping with having images and visions of Lucifer popping up at some very bad times and wondering what would hit us next, I'm not thinking clearly. I wasn't thinking clearly today or else I wouldn't have missed it.

The last time I walked away from my brother there was no emotion in his face or his eyes. He'd doubted me. Today I saw emotions and pain in those green eyes. I saw his guilt over lying to me and hurting me because if I know Dean then he knows me and he knows that I was hurt.

Killing Amy…to Dean that wasn't killing someone I'd asked him to spare. In the part of my brother that had been drilled and drilled by our Dad, he was taking care of something evil, something that would kill again…something that could one day be a threat…to me.

Sitting on a rock by the side of the road to rest, it was finally beginning to sink in and even as it was I could feel my stomach twist into a huge knot.

My ice cold, hard as nails, alcohol binging older brother hadn't just killed Amy because of what she was but in his mind, she could one day be a threat to us…to me because I believed she couldn't possibly be a threat. I'd nearly been killed too often for believing that.

Dean's basic reaction was to protect me so he killed Amy then swallowed the pain that would cause him, he swallowed the pain lying to me caused him to continue to protect me because knowing about it would… cause me to react…just like this.

My brother had been struggling to hold things together for the past few years and knowing how close to losing it I was, he reacted on those same big brother instincts that he's had since we were kids. He acted and then took the crap, no matter how much it hurt him if it would keep me safe then Dean would take it all and then bury it with booze.

He'd stared at me today when I threw Amy in his face a lot like he had when we'd been forced to shoot Madison. He'd hated to be right about her and wanted so much to be the one to kill her but when I insisted it was my pain that he reacted to.

Dean killed Amy so I wouldn't one day be forced to…like I had to kill Madison. Dean…son of a bitch, I walked out on him when all he'd been doing was trying to keep me from being hurt in one way or another.

Staring at the new cell phone I was still getting used to, I consider calling but then just as quickly forget that idea. He's pissed now so I know he won't answer me. I wish just for once my brother would just talk to me instead of playing the stoic tough guy all the time and making me do this.

By this time, I've started to shiver because even with my jacket this back road is freezing and not for the first time am I calling myself every name I can think of for walking away. I'm not eighteen or even twenty two anymore. Dean and I should be able to talk this through…next time I'll try to remember that. Assuming I don't get ate by something out here or freeze to death. "Dean…"

I'm in the middle of wondering how the hell I'd let this get so far out of my control again, why I hadn't forced Dean to talk to me about what was bothering him so I lost track of the time that I'd been sitting still until I realized how cold I'd become and then became aware of a car coming closer.

Debating the wiseness of hitchhiking or freezing, the caution Dean taught me years ago won out and I began to move further back from the road when I saw the car slowing down to a stop. Knowing how close the monsters were on our tail and knowing how hard it was to know when one was around, I could feel my nerves kicking in while reaching for the bag with my weapon in it only to discover too late that the cold had made my fingers too stiff.

The driver had finally started to get out of the car as if whoever it was had been debating or considering me when I suddenly have to wonder if the cold is making me hear stuff now since I couldn't be hearing the voice I am.

"Hey, Sammy."

Dean. My big brother Dean. The one I'd walked away from today was leaning on the driver's door of…I will never get used to not seeing him in the Impala but…trying to stand too fast in my surprise had me losing balance and after days and weeks of constant action, the events of today just made me go down and the last thing I hear is my name being shouted

Dean's POV:

You'd think I'd've learned by now. I knew how my brother reacted to things and I knew that eventually he'd find out what I'd been keeping from him.

Ever since Sam got his soul back and then survived having that wall kicked down, I've been worried about him. The kid's been like a lost little boy sometimes even though he'd hide it from me and Bobby. This is my little brother and I know Sammy so I knew when he told me about the girl, Amy, what would happen.

Sam begged me to let her go, that she'd told him she was done killing but I'd had Dad drill into my head that you never take the chance. My Dad taught me and Sam the rules…he taught me a little more severally at times but I knew why.

I was the oldest so it was my place to protect Sammy. I needed to be smarter than the evil crap we faced, smarter than the Feds, the police, the others who wouldn't hesitate to separate us and above all else I needed to be able to protect Sammy from himself.

I love him…though I'd gouge my own eyes out before admitting that to him except for those extreme times but the kid led with his heart. Since getting his soul and memories back, he's still like that. I knew in his heart that Sam believed her and I also knew that when the time came that she did kill again, that he had to face her again, that it would break his huge heart to have to kill her so…I did what I still wished I had done with Madison. I went behind my little brother's back and killed her.

Did I regret it? For Sam's sake, sure but the part of me, the hunter in me that my Dad trained 24-7 knew it needed to be done but I didn't kill her for what she was. I killed her to protect my brother. Did I wish her kid hadn't walked in? Hell yes, but that's another bridge I'll cross when I come to it.

Right now I'm forced dealing with this. Sam found out. I knew he would. I knew that moment that damn clone of me was in that room with him that something bad had gone down and the second he turned to me on the dock with that look of hurt anger in those huge hazel eyes I knew I'd screwed up…again.

I'd sworn never to lie to him again. I swore we were starting over and then I lie to him. He's hurt that I lied, he's hurt that I killed the girl and he walks away. My basic response is to grab him and make him listen to me. Tell Sam about the guilt that's been eating away at me until I've nearly drowned in booze but I let him go.

Protecting Sam has always meant covering my own emotions and even though it hurt to see him walk away again, I let do it…then I consider finding a bar and getting drunk until I realize that Sam's got no real cash on him so he's got no way to find a place to crash for the night or to buy a meal or even a bus ticket.

Knowing my little brother I know he'll stick to the back roads so I start driving until it gets dark and cold which worries me more. I've let Sam walk away from me twice before now and both times have ended badly. Coming around a corner, the lights of this…thing I'm driving in place of the stored Impala catch something alongside the road and I feel my fingers grip the wheel tighter when I recognize the silhouette.

"Sammy," it took me a few minutes to get up the nerve to step out of the car then I was running because I saw Sam start to fall and it took only a minute to figure out he'd gotten too cold and the stress of the past few days just finally made him crash. "C'mon, kiddo. Let's get you warm."

Kicking the car's heater up to full blast, I take off my jacket to lay over Sam where he had slouched against the door like he used to when sleeping in the Impala. Glancing over after a while, I'm relieved to see that Sammy's relaxed more and his breathing was even which meant he was sleeping.

"I'm sorry, Sam," I know he can't hear me which is good for me right then since I figure I can practice this speech now. "I know you're angry with me and I know I lied to you but…damn it, Sammy, I had my reasons. You won't agree with 'em, hell you won't agree with me but I needed to handle it like I did to keep you safe, to keep you from being hurt."

Will he buy that? I doubt it but a guy can hope. I can only hope that my basic big brother reaction isn't going to cost me my little brother again.

Sam's POV:

Heat. Blessed heat and having my knees up to my chest is what I wake up to. I hear the strange rumble of a car that I didn't know when I recall hearing my brother before I went out.

The heat was from the car's heater and then I recognize the feel of Dean's jean jacket over me so I guessed he must've gotten me inside the car to warm up when I hear him talking.

Normally my brother has two tones of voice. Gruff and pissed off, but tonight I'm hearing the softer hushed tone that meant he was talking from the heart which is something he only does when it's just us and when he thinks I'm sleeping.

I hear his voice break when he tells me about why he did what he did and why he hid it from me. I can feel his fingers as they gently pull the jacket up closer to me and I reach out to grab his wrist before he could move away.

"I…know why you did it, Dean," I tell him softly, hearing him curse under his breath that I was awake for that whole speech and decide to store it away for later ammo when I need it since getting Dean to do the whole chick flick thing ain't easy. "I just wish you would've told me. That's what hurt the most…is that you didn't tell me this whole time and just let the guilt eat you up."

"That's what I do, Sammy," he replied and I know it's true because it's what he's always done. He's shielded me, protected me and taken the guilt, the crap and pain for it. "Keeping you safe, making sure you don't have to do the crap that I have in this life…I'm just sorry that you got hurt anyway because this time all I was trying to do was keep you safe and not…"

Still gripping his wrist, I shift so I can see his profile in the dark car and I know by the way his jaw's set that he's been wrestling with this. My brother covers his emotions pretty well but with me I can see through the shields…when I know what I'm looking for and tonight I see his pain, his guilt and his love for me.

I'm still upset about Amy but I understand his reasons. I can't hate Dean for trying to do what he thought was right, what we were both taught to do. I can't hate him for trying to keep me safe after everything we've both been through.

"I'm sorry I walked out, Dean," I finally murmur, starting to release his wrist only to have him reach up to grip my neck like he used to. "I…can I…"

"You never left, Sam so don't ask if you can come back," this time I hear the shake in the gruff tone but don't mention it as I nod then I hear him add. "I'm sorry this hurt you or that you though you couldn't trust me again."

"You're my big brother, Dean. I'll always trust you…just don't try to protect me all the time without letting me protect you," I know that'll never happen but a guy can hope when I hear him laugh, feel his fingers squeeze my neck again before the radio gets clicked on and I begin to wonder what's more terrifying…the thought of Bobby and Sheriff Mills or my brother singing along with an Reo song

The End