Antics Of A Drunk Werewolf

By Molly The Monster

Setting: the Gryffindor boys'
dormitory, sometime in 1977

Prompt: "Shut up! I was drunk!"

"And this children, is why we don't drink alcohol," came the voice of Sirius Black, mocking the line that his best friend had said to him on more than one occasion.

It was Saturday morning and Remus Lupin had a throbbing headache. He heard himself groan as he rolled from his stomach onto his back. His whole body felt heavy and it felt like there was someone banging on his head with a hammer. It was a pain he had never experienced before and he knew he never wanted to experience it again. With much difficulty he managed to sit up. Everything was blurry. He rubbed his eyes, hoping everything would come into focus. Eventually it did and his eyes fell on the three boys sitting on the bed next to his. They were all dressed and they were all watching him with a grin.

The three boys were, of course, his three best friends. They all looked incredibly suspicious and Remus was almost afraid to ask what was going on.

"What are you staring at?" he asked, realizing that his voice was hoarse and his throat hurt. His hand immediately clutched his throat and he rubbed it gently, though he knew that really wouldn't do anything to make him feel better.

His fellow Marauders just looked at him, still grinning stupidly.

"What?" he croaked. He'd have to head to the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey would give him something to fix his throat in no time. He really didn't have time for their games.

"So, did you enjoy yourself last night?" asked James, finally breaking the silence.

"It certainly looked like you enjoyed yourself," said Sirius and Peter burst out into a fit of giggles.

The truth was, Remus wasn't sure if he had enjoyed himself the night before. He racked his brain, trying to remember what he had done the previous evening. He remembered studying in the library with Melanie–they had a Potions exam on Monday. He remembered walking with her back to the Gryffindor Common Room and there being a raging party. Remus hadn't been entirely sure why they were celebrating the night before and he couldn't remember that morning. He remembered that all he wanted to do was go to bed, but his friends convinced him to stay downstairs and he couldn't remember anything beyond that.

"Can you spare me the games and just tell me what you're talking about?" Remus asked, his patience running thin.

The three boys turned and looked at each other, eventually turning back to Remus. "You don't remember?" Sirius asked, his eyebrow slightly raised. "At all?" He looked at Remus suggestively.

But Remus honestly had no idea what he was getting at.

"Okay, let's see if this rings a bell. 'Books? Who needs books? Books are for squares!'" said James and Remus knew that it was an attempt to sound like him. It was a very bad attempt, but James had jokingly mocked Remus enough times that Remus knew when James was trying to imitate him.

"I said that?" Remus questioned, looking to Peter. Sirius and James were good at keeping straight faces when lying, while Peter was usually a lot easier to break. But Peter nodded his head in agreement. So either he had been practicing all morning or the two boys were telling the truth.

"Yeah, right before you jumped on the table and starting singing," said Peter and then he burst out into a fit of laughter. He fell onto his back, clutching his stomach, apparently remembering what had happened the night before. Remus stared at his friend nervously, wondering if what he was saying was true.

A feeling of horror washed over Remus. "Tell me he's joking," he demanded, pointing to the short, laughing boy who was about to fall off the bed from laughing so hard.

"If only we could," said Sirius, his stupid, goofy smile from before returning.

"Yes, you wrote a very touching love song for Melanie," said James suggestively, saying Melanie's name like it was three distinct words so it came out like Mel-an-ie.

There was an odd feeling in Remus' stomach. Almost like someone was tugging on his intestines. Very vaguely he was starting to remember. He remembered jumping onto the table and kicking off everything that was on it. He remembered Melanie smiling, laughing. But that was about it. He wasn't sure what in the world had possessed him to jump on the table, but he knew that was something very unlike him.

Remus groaned, his voice full of dread. He let himself fall back onto his bed, his head crashing into the pillow.

The best thing he could do then was just lay there, hopelessly waiting to simply die. It was his only option. He'd never be able to face anyone in Gryffindor again, let alone Melanie. And they were supposed to study again that night. There was no way that was going to happen. Remus didn't even know the extent of what he had done the previous night, but he knew it could be nothing good. How was he ever going to look anyone in the face ever again?

He knew the answer. He couldn't. He'd have to drop out of Hogwarts and go live among Muggles. He'd find someplace where he could go and transform every month, but other than that he'd have to cut off all ties to the Wizarding World for good.

Remus pulled his pillow out from underneath his head and flattened it over his face in an attempt to suffocate himself. He knew it wouldn't work. He'd eventually lose oxygen and pass out. But when he did, his grip on the pillow would release and he'd be able to breathe again. But he felt like being dramatic, so he left the pillow there.

"No, it's all right, Moony," said James, trying to pull the pillow off of his friend's face, but Remus wouldn't let go. Eventually James released his grip on the pillow and conceded to speaking with Remus while Remus had a pillow over his face. "I think Melanie actually liked it. You know, after she was finished laughing at you, I think she said she thought it was a nice song."

At this, Sirius couldn't stop himself from laughing and Peter bursted out into a new fit of giggles. James continued to grin stupidly.

"Please. Kill me now," said Remus, his voice sounding very muffled underneath the pillow. His head hurt even more than it hurt before, but suddenly he felt like he would never be able to get out of bed to go to the Hospital Wing for a remedy.

After Sirius was able to catch a breath between his laughter, he finally spoke. "No, no, Moony. You were great. My favorite part was when you grabbed your wand and then Wormtail's and you started banging them on your stomach like it was a set of drums," Sirius said and it sounded like he was trying really hard to stop himself from cracking up.

Suddenly Remus' stomach hurt. Very vaguely he remembered doing that. "This time I'm not joking. Murder me," groaned Remus into the pillow.

"My favorite part was the tap dance," Peter managed to say though his laughter.

"Oh, that was priceless!" exclaimed James. He turned to Remus. "Oh, Moony, I swear it was hysterical. You tried dancing and singing at the same time–"

"It didn't really work out. You fell right off the table and onto Lily's lap," Sirius finished James' sentence. By now there were tears streaming down his face and he wiped them away.

"Normally I would have been angry that you were putting moves on my woman, but it was just too funny, I swear," said James cracking himself up.

At least someone thought it was funny, thought Remus with dread. They were having a ball while he was laying in bed wondering the best way to hide his face from the rest of Hogwarts for the rest of the year. He'd never be able to show his face again. Ever. With the way they were laughing, he could only imagine that the rest of the students who witnessed this spectacle would laugh at him even more than his friends already were.

"Honestly, Moony, why didn't you tell us you were in love with Melanie?" asked Sirius, faking that he was upset that Remus withheld this information.

"I'm not in love with Melanie," Remus whined into his pillow. A tiny crush maybe, but definitely not love.

Sirius ignored him though. "We could have helped you come up with a much better way of winning her over than that stupid song," explained Sirius. "You see all the girls I get. You could have come to me for help."

"I didn't think the song was that bad," Peter giggled.

"Trust me, Moony. It was that bad," said James, sounding like he was trying hard not to laugh. Remus had no idea why. He had no problem laughing before.

"It started picking up by the fourth verse, I think," Sirius said thoughtfully.

Remus slowly pulled the pillow off his face to look at his friends. "Fourth verse? There were four verses? How long was I up there?"

Sirius rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "At least ten minutes," said Sirius nonchalantly. "Everyone was getting a real kick out of it. I don't think they wanted you to stop."

"We'll still have to work on it though," said James thoughtfully. "For a smart guy, you're terrible at song writing."

"And you're not a great singer," added Peter, sounding like he really didn't want to hurt Remus' feelings. "Always slurring your words."

"Oh, shut up! I was drunk," Remus said, though he knew his comment wasn't much of a threat.

"Oh, you really have to get drunk more often," said James with a laugh. "You're an absolute riot."

"Nope, never doing that again," said Remus. His head was throbbing. His stomach hurt. His legs felt weak and he embarrassed himself beyond belief the night before. There was no way he was ever getting drunk again.

In fact, he wasn't sure why he had gotten drunk last night. Why had he had a drink in the first place? That was very uncharacteristic of him. It normally wasn't his kind of thing. If he was being truthful, he couldn't even remember having any firewhiskey. He couldn't remember why he would have started drinking. The first of many bad decisions.

James laughed. "That certainly won't be the last time we spike the punch, right boys?" he asked, high-fiving both Peter and Sirius.

Remus lifted himself up the bed slightly, looking over at his friends. "You. You spiked the punch?" Remus repeated. His three friends grinned at him mischievously. He should have known, of course. Who else would spike the punch other than the three idiots sitting in front of him? Remus allowed himself to crash back onto his pillow. "You guys do realize what you've done, don't you?" he asked. When he was met with no response, he said, "I can never leave this room again. Please bring me all my homework and let me know when the full moon is coming. I'm sure I can find a way to climb out the window."

"Oh, don't be such a baby," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. He was, however, still smiling. Remus knew that he would never, ever in a million and one years ever live this one down. Trust Sirius to not think that this was a big deal. Remus lay there in complete and utter distress and Sirius was telling him not to be such a baby. "It's time to get up anyway. We're hungry."

Remus turned to look at Sirius. "Perhaps you missed the part where I'm never leaving this room again."

Sirius narrowed his eyes at Remus. Remus knew he stood no chance.

After a bit more coaxing, bribing, kicking, dragging, crying and forcing, Remus Lupin begrudgingly found himself following his three best friends down the staircase to the Gryffindor common room. He would never forgive his friends for this one.

His arrival in the common room was met by several snickers and giggles, along with hand pointing, 'wooping,' cheering and laughter. He could practically feel his face burning as he felt Sirius' fist on his back, not-so-gently urging him along.

The portrait hole was a mere ten feet away. He was almost home free. As he made his way to the portrait hole, his eye caught a certain blonde's sitting around a table with two of her best friends, Devyn and Alice.

The two other girls quickly looked away from Remus and at each other before snickering. Melanie gave him a smile that he couldn't quite read. It looked like she was trying to keep from laughing harder, but her smile was also sympathetic, genuine and yet somehow amused. She waved a small wave and then turned back to her friends. She shoved Devyn's arm and then shook her head, turning back to what she had been looking at before spotting Remus. Somehow he felt a little better; at least she wasn't avoiding him.

Remus turned back to his three friends who were staring at him, James shaking his head slightly. "And this children," he said, once again doing his best Remus voice, "is why we do not drink alcohol."

Yaaay. So there it is. I started this a long time ago. Originally it was for a challenge where you had to include the line, "Shut up! I was drunk!" My character was Remus and the prompt was love songs, and this is what I came up with. I had gotten up to about the part where James mentions they spiked the punch and then I just couldn't seem to go on. I found this recently and figured I should finish it. I'm not happy with the ending at all, but whatever. I haven't posted anything in ages so I figured why not? Let me know what you think!

Once again my OC Melanie appears and I once again mentioned Devyn. I keep mentioning them because when I eventually get all the ideas I have for my full length, chaptered Marauders story, they will be in it! So even though they haven't had HUGE roles in my one-shots, I hope you like them!

This story is dedicated to Blackbeltbrea, DangerouslyAvril, HPJellicleCat, ilovebananacreampie, I'm Past the Point of No Retun, Klaine Fearella, Mommy2Johnasaurus, PirateLuv32, Rani Jashalithie, slytherinprincess02, Watching stiricide, and yalaxy for reviewing my last story The Christmas Spork.