AN: I'm thrilled about the interest that has been shown in this - thank you! - but I've decided to leave it a one-shot after all. Still, I hope you enjoy!

House's Houses

"Hm-hm." Foreman cleared his throat. The rest of the team looked expectantly to the end of the table, where House was sitting with his feet up, reading a book.

"All was well," House said after a moment, swinging forward and setting the book on the table with a bang. Taub tilted his head. "I finally finished reading Harry Potter," House said in response to the unasked question. "Could you excuse me for a moment? I think I'm starting to tear up."

"House!" said Foreman. "We have a patient whose kidneys are failing. I think that might require your attention more than some book about a boy wizard."

"Oh, Foreman," said House, standing up and limping to the other end of the table. "You're so right. And yet, so wrong. Harry Potter has made me see the world in a totally different light. This patient, on the other hand, is boring. Give her some of that good ol' dialysis."

"So not that different then…" said Taub.

"Shh! Would you be quiet? You're ruining the magic. I still can't believe that it's over."

"Well, you better believe it," said Foreman, "because this patient—"

"Patient, schmatient," said House. Hooking his cane over the back of Chase's chair, he cracked his knuckles and, with a flourish, rested his fingertips on his employee's head.

"Er… What are you doing?" Chase asked.

"Shh!" House said again, closing his eyes as though he was concentrating very hard. "What we have to do… What's best for everyone… is if we make our own Hogwarts, right here in Princeton Plainsboro."

"But what about the patient?" asked Masters, a note of panic in her voice.

House opened his eyes, as though startled. "My God, you're right! Why did none of you mention the patient? Masters, go and... find out if she's been exposed to lead." Masters nodded, and picked up the patient's file, leaving the room in a hurry.

"You think it's lead poisoning?" Thirteen asked, a note of disbelief in her voice. "But her symptoms—"

"Of course I don't think it's lead poisoning," said House, closing his eyes again, and looking as though he was in pain. "We just needed to get rid of that do-gooder Hermione. All right, Chase, if you could just focus your mind on yourself… That shouldn't be too hard for you…"

"What?" said Chase, nonplussed.

"I'm taking on the role of the Sorting Hat," said House, "and I'm going to be sorting you all into your appropriate Hogwarts houses. I can see what's inside your mind," he said, adopting a mystical voice. He closed his eyes very tightly, as though straining to do something. "I can read your thoughts, and… Oh, Chase! Stop it!" Chase furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. House gave a girlish giggle, then resumed seriousness. He was silent for a moment.

"All right," said Foreman. "The patient's symptoms indicate—"

"SLYTHERIN!" said House. Chase yelped.

"What? How come I'm not in Gryffindor?"

"'Cause you're a selfish bastard," said House, limping away to make some coffee.

"Wha—Oh, right, so we're in the same house, then?"

"Nope," said House, taking a sip of his coffee. "I'm the Hat, Chase, would you pay attention? The Hat doesn't go to Hogwarts. But anyway, I've decided I'm Head of Ravenclaw."

"But you just said—" said Thirteen.

"I'm the Headmaster," said House, "so I can do what I want."

Taub raised an eyebrow. "So you're the Sorting Hat, the Head of Ravenclaw, and the Headmaster?"

"That is correct, yes," said House.

"The patient took part in a marathon last month," said Thirteen. "You don't think that—"

"Nope," said House, "I know what you're thinking, and no. That's why you're not in my house."

"What?" Thirteen scowled, unimpressed.

"You're in Slytherin, with Chase. Foreman, on the other hand…"

"She's spent a lot of time working in a pet store," said Foreman, not looking up from the patient's file. "Could be something in the bird droppings."

"Nerd," House hissed. "He's in Ravenclaw."

"…Right," said Taub. "Because obviously caring about your job and your patient makes you a Ravenclaw. And I can totally see why you're head of that house," he added, ignoring House as he came over to him and started blowing in his ear.

"House!" said Foreman. "Would you stop that? This woman could be dying!"

"And I'm just dying for a snack," said House. "Foreman, go and fetch me some Cheetos from the cafeteria."

"House, the patient—"

"Foreman, I am Head of Ravenclaw. You are in Ravenclaw. Hence, I am in charge of you. So go and get me some Cheetos!"

"But—"

"Okay, let me put it this way. I employ you. You are employed by me. Hence, I am in charge of you. So go and get me some Cheetos!"

"House—"

"If you value your job, Foreman – and I know you do, you big nerd – you will get me those delicious puffs of cheese, or it's twenty points from Ravenclaw."

Foreman glowered at him. "You know, maybe things would run a lot smoother 'round here if you cared about your job instead of just reading a kids' book."

"A kids' book?" House's mouth dropped open. "A kids' book? But, Foreman, it's so much more than that! It's for both adults and kids! It teaches us lessons about life that no-one else could teach us! It takes us into a fantasy world beyond our wildest imagination—"

"All right, I'm going," sighed Foreman, and left. House turned to Taub.

"Go and do a lumbar puncture."

"Huh?"

"Are you challenging my authority as Headmaster? Taub, go and report to your Head of House."

Taub frowned. "But I don't have a house. Nor do I have a Head of House. So—"

"Your House is Gryffindor and your Head of House is Cuddy. Now go! Ten points from Gryffindor!"

"House, that's ridiculous, you can't—"

"Go or I'll make it fifty! And if you see Masters, tell her she's in Hufflepuff." Chase and Thirteen watched in amusement as Taub stalked off. House turned to them. "One ofyou is going to have to do the lumbar puncture."

"It'll have to be you," Chase said to Thirteen. "I have a date."

"Well, so do I," she responded.

"Chase, if Thirteen wants you to do it, you're going to have to do it," said House. "She is Head of Slytherin, after all." He made an apologetic face.

Thirteen smiled smugly as Chase said, "What? But I've been here so much longer than she has!"

"That may be so, Chase, but I'm afraid that simply being British does not immediately qualify you as an authoritative member of staff at Hogwarts."

"But I'm not—"

"Lumbar puncture!" yelled House, ignoring him. "Hop to it!"

/

House stuck his head around the door of Wilson's office. Wilson was sitting behind his desk, talking in soothing tones to a lady with blue-rinsed hair and a sweater covered in knitted cats. "Hey, Wilson."

"Excuse me for a moment," Wilson said to the lady. "What is it, House?"

"I just wanted to let you know," House said in a stage whisper, "that you're the Head of Hufflepuff House."

"What?"

"And you're responsible for Masters. And between you and me… I think she might be trouble."

"House, what are you talking about?"

"You know those giant hourglasses in the lobby?"

"No, House. What are you talking about?"

"Well, you Puffs are winning at the moment – you're tied with Ravenclaw and Slytherin – but I don't think it'll be that way for long. I think Masters is gonna try and sabotage your chances, probably because she feels Taub or Foreman is so much more deserving of the Cup. Or something like that."

Wilson just blinked at him.

"Meet me in the cafeteria at lunch. I have things to discuss with you and the other Heads. Nice to see you, Mrs Stephanopoulos."

The old woman nodded to him, smiling benignly.

/

Chase came across Masters in the hallway.

"I tested for lead poisoning," she said, sounding worried, "but the tests came back negative. Do you think House was wrong?"

"No…" said Chase slowly. "I… don't think House thinks it's lead poisoning anymore."

"Oh," said Masters, looking a bit put out. "Well, I guess that was a total waste of time…"

"Have you ever read Harry Potter?" asked Chase.

Masters frowned at him. "Yeah… Why?"

"Why do you think House would put me in Slytherin?" asked Chase.

"Oh, I don't know." Masters shrugged. "But it's not that bad. I mean, it's not the evil house. It's a house for… smart people… and… ambitious people… and…" She shrugged again. "And hot people, I guess, if the movies are anything to go by."

Chase grinned. "Hey, thanks!" he said, and then started walking on. Masters rolled her eyes and looked back at the test results. Then her eyes widened as she spotted something that shouldn't have been there. She turned, looking for Chase.

"Ten points to Hufflepuff!" called out House, who was passing.

/

Later, in the cafeteria, House, Cuddy, Wilson and Thirteen sat around a table.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me," said House. "I have called this meeting of the Heads of Houses here at Princeton Plainsboro School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for several reasons—No, hang on. Should that be Hogwarts Teaching Hospital?" The others just stared at him blankly. "Uh, yeah, anyway… The first reason is that I was bored. The second is for you to have a look at this."

He pulled a scan from somewhere and laid it on the table. The group examined it for a moment.

"It's a tumour," said Wilson. "I can't tell if it's cancerous or not, but it looks—"

"I know it's a tumour," scoffed House. "But it wasn't there two hours ago."

They were interrupted at that moment by Taub, who hurried up to their table, panting slightly, followed soon after by the rest of the team.

"There you are," said Taub. "I knew you'd taken it."

"Why would you take it from us before we had a good look at it?" asked Chase.

"Better question is: why would you let me take it from you?" House returned, raising an eyebrow.

"We didn't let you take it," said Taub patiently, "we just… turned our backs for a moment."

"Turned your backs for a moment?" said House. "Shame on you, Taub! You'll never make Seeker at this rate!" Taub rolled his eyes.

"Look, House—" Foreman began.

"Professor House to you," said House. Foreman gave him an unimpressed look.

"Are you still going with this?"

"The magic will never die!" said House, pounding the table with his fist. "Not as long as there's love in the world. Right, Masters?"

"Um…" Masters looked nervous.

"And not as long as there are kids, either," said Cuddy. "You still have four hours of clinic duty to complete this week, House. There's a kid with a rash reading Harry Potterin the waiting room. So go and bond over it."

House sulked as Cuddy gave him a stern look then got up and left the cafeteria. Then he leant into Wilson. "Now, about the Quidditch tournament…"