"Hey, where's Peter?"

"Off having sex with Evans," Sirius answered, putting Remus into check.

"What the fuck, man?"

"No, seriously. They're doing it on the roof of greenhouse number five," Remus agreed, his knight attacking Sirius' queen with a garotte.

"Fuck you, man. Fuck you in the arse."

"Hey, Prongs, maybe the reason Peter scored with Evans when you didn't is because you're so obsessed with fucking me."

"Relax, James, you're starting to froth," Sirius rolled his eyes, "Peter's in the library."

"Oh."

"Doing Evans in her forbidden section, if you know what I mean."

"I fucking hate you, Sirius."

"But really," Remus said, "he's practicing his wand work. The wand in his pants. With Evans."