A/N: This is based off Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley's awkward moment in my Awkward Moments fic. In light of the theme of apples OF DOOM, several other Snow White references came up, but SLCW was first, so this little ficlet is dedicated to her (:

This is going to be slash – because it's making fun sort or. It's not creepy, don't worry. It's AWKWARD. Like it should be. And don't mind me with the Macbeth references… I am obsessed with that play.

MacDuff: Gee, alright. I just killed Macbeth… I wonder what I should do with his head? *stashes it in random flower vase*

So hold onto your hats folks for Macbeth and Princess Bride and Snow White and Lion King refs! Here we go!

"Take him to Gaius' chambers," Arthur ordered. His voice was tight as he watched Percival hoist Merlin's limp form in his arms. Percival and Lancelot left the training field at a light jog, the motion only slightly jarring Merlin.

The old crone was pinned to the grass, Gwaine's sword nailing her in place in the folds of her dress. She began babbling nonsense: "Come you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts! Unsex me here!"

She cackled despite her disadvantageous position and promptly began foaming at the mouth. Gwaine frowned when some spittle landed on his shiny blade.

Leon shook his head, disgusted. "Sire, what should we do with her? She is obviously an evil magic-user."

"She must be punished," Gwaine replied before Arthur could answer. "And then decapitated. And then punished some more. And then decapitated, and then…"

"Whoa, whoa, Gwaine. You can only decapitate a person once," Arthur reminded him. "But back to your question, Sir Leon. She will be executed for hurting Merlin."

"And for practicing magic," Leon said.

"Mostly for hurting Merlin," Gwaine said, emphasizing the point. "Nobody hurts my best friend and gets away with it. That's right, Arthur. My best friend – I'll admit it!"

"Merlin is my friend too!"

"You never tell him that. I'm sure he'd love to hear you say that." A sly look emerged on Gwaine's face. Arthur crossed his arms and gave Gwaine his textbook prat face, which Gwaine happily ignored.

"Leon," Arthur said. "You and Gwaine take the witch to the dungeons – don't eat any of her apples – and meet me in Gaius' chambers as soon as you can. If she struggles, give no quarter."

"Yes, sire," Leon said, bowing before hoisting the crone to her feet. She didn't protest and continued foaming at the mouth and babbling on about getting damned spots out of clothing.

Arthur briefly wondered if, perhaps, she had some sort of mental affliction and didn't really know she was doing evil. But his father wasn't likely to consider that… and she had poisoned Merlin. Gods, Arthur needed to hurry! He didn't even know if Merlin would make it to Gaius' chambers. The prince broke into a run, ignoring the strange looks he was getting from the servants.

The physician's chambers never seemed so far away. By the time Arthur flung the door open, startling two knights and Gaius, he was breathing heavily.

"How's Merlin?" Arthur asked as calmly as he felt the situation warranted.

"He's not doing too well, I'm afraid, sire," Gaius replied, placing a cool cloth on Merlin's clammy forehead. "He's barely breathing and – Oh, he's just stopped."

"What?" Lancelot strode forward and placed his fingers at Merlin's neck, feeling for a pulse. "He's… he's dead. No, Merlin," Lancelot knelt by the manservant's bedside. Percival stood solemnly beside Lancelot.

"Dead?" Arthur choked out. He was by Merlin's bed side in an instant, accidentally pushing Gaius out of the way. "Merlin! Come on, you idiot, you can't be dead." He hesitated for a moment before feeling for a pulse in his servant's wrist. Nothing. Merlin lay as pale and white as ever in the linen sheets. Arthur exhaled loudly, blinking rapidly.

The door burst open again, this time a hinge came loose, causing the door to hang sideways. Gaius frowned at that, but turned his attention back to the dead body on the bed.

"What's happened?" Gwaine demanded, seeing the rest of the knights clustered around the bed. "Is Merlin alright?"

"I'm afraid, he's… passed on," Gaius answered sadly, wiping at his eyes. Gwaine froze for a moment and Leon backed away just in case the knight spontaneously combusted from all the alcohol he had consumed that afternoon. The fire, after all, was lit.

Gwaine crossed the room in three big strides, stopping at the foot of the bed. Merlin lay unmoving in the sheets. Dead from that blasted poisoned apple of doom. Gwaine was livid. "Isn't there anything you can do for him, Gaius?"

"He's dead, Gwaine, there isn't anything we can do," Arthur said sharply to mask his grief. Gwaine glared at him and refused to be placated until Merlin was brought back from the dead.

The knights all looked up from their grieving when Gaius sighed very loudly.

"Well I suppose there is something."

"What?"

"You can save him?"

"Gaius, you're a genius!"

Gaius held up his hands. "Merlin means the world to me," he began, his voice shaking slightly. "I guess there is only one path for me to take." He paused for dramatic effect, much to the frustration of all the knights present. "I will have to sacrifice myself at the Isle of the Blessed in exchange for Merlin's life."

This was met with stares and gaping mouths.

"You're joking," Gwaine said.

"Well, no, I actually wasn't…"

Lancelot rose and picked up a book. "Couldn't you find a cure in one of your books?"

"He's DEAD," Arthur all but shouted.

"Well, technically he's only mostly dead," Gaius corrected.

"Mostly dead?" Leon asked.

"He's slightly alive."

"I see…"

"They say love," Gwaine hummed. "Is the greatest thing in the world! Except for a nice glass of cold mead… when the mead is nice a strong- It's so perky. I love it."

"What was that?" Gaius asked.

Gwaine turned around, "Huh? Cold mead?"

"No, the other thing."

"Love?"

Percival stepped forward. "Perhaps love can bring him back. I have heard tell of a 'true-love's kiss' to cure ailments – even death."

"I was thinking of a miracle pill," Gaius replied. "But I like that idea better. Come, help me look through my books."

So Arthur, Lancelot, Percival, Gwaine, and Leon bent their noses to the books under the instruction of Gaius and read the afternoon away. A few hours later, Elyan came looking for them and found them all engrossed in romance novels, medicinal cures, and erotica fiction that was concealed within a larger volume on anatomy. No need to say who was reading what. Elyan raised his eyebrow when he caught sight of Merlin lying on the bed.

"Is he okay?"

Six pairs of eyes looked at him and each head shook sadly. Elyan frowned and picked up a book as well.

It grew dark when Lancelot found something useful.

"I've found something useful," he declared. "Percival was right! A kiss from Merlin's true love will revive him." Lancelot smiled and marked the book page. The knights stretched and clustered around Merlin again.

Gaius sat on a stool.

"So, uh, who's Merlin's true love?" Elyan asked. This was met with a collective hum of puzzlement.

"Well," Lancelot said. "He always trusted me and he was very fond of me. Perhaps…" He stepped forward and pressed his lips to Merlin's cold ones. Nothing happened. Lancelot shrugged and took a step back. "Who's next?"

Percival stepped forward. "I haven't known him for very long, but he was always kind to me." He laid a gentle kiss on Merlin's lips and again, nothing happened.

Leon and Elyan came next, each kissing Merlin the manservant carefully. Merlin remained mostly dead.

"You're not doing it right!"

All eyes turned to Gwaine.

"And, how Sir Gwaine, should we be?" Arthur asked, eyebrow raised in faint imitation of Gaius.

"You're all being so… chaste. Merlin isn't going to feel the love tonight with kisses like those! Honestly, men!—you are men, right? – you can kiss better than that!"

Gwaine stepped forward without further encouragement and flipped his hair back before kneeling next to the bedside and fixing his lips upon Merlin's. Gwaine slid his hand around to cradle Merlin's head as he deepened the kiss (as much as it was physically possible to passionately kiss a dead man). The knights shifted uncomfortably as the kiss went on and on.

"Will somebody stop him?" Gaius asked, faintly worried. "He's taking advantage of Merlin!"

Lancelot tapped Gwaine on the shoulder. "Time to cut it out, Gwaine."

Gwaine went on kissing Merlin.

Leon rolled his eyes and laid a firm hand on Gwaine's shoulder. He gave him a tug. Gwaine tugged back but kept on kissing.

Arthur stepped in as well. "Gwaine, as your prince, I order you to stop kissing my manservant." That obviously didn't work since Gwaine really held no special place in his heart for nobles.

In the end, it took all of the knights' strength to pry Gwaine's lips from Merlin's.

"Hey! His lips are slightly swollen now – that has to be a good sign!" Gwaine crowed in his own defense. Everyone groaned.

"Arthur, you haven't tried yet." Elyan reminded the prince. Arthur turned a faint shade of red.

"Um."

"Go on, Arthur."

Everyone looked encouraging. Gwaine looked smug.

Arthur sighed and sat on the edge of Merlin's bed. The bed dipped sharply under his weight, but he leaned over the still form of his servant and tentatively stroked his hair away from his face where Gwaine had tussled it beyond recognition. With deliberation that left all of the knights anxious, he pressed his lips to Merlin's, murmuring something softly that no one in the room caught.

Merlin's eyes fluttered open, a look of complete bafflement crossing his face when he met Arthur's eyes, inches from his own. Arthur sat up, looking rather embarrassed, but pleased with himself nonetheless. He had brought Merlin back from the dead.

"I did it."

Gaius smiled. "Yes, Arthur, you did. And now we know who Merlin's true love is."

Suddenly they heard a voice singing. It was a bit hoarse and it took everyone a moment to realize who it was.

"I knew it! Someday my prince will come! Someday we'll meet again! And away to his castle we'll go! To be happy forever I know~"

"Merlin?" Arthur asked, eyes wide at his manservant's sudden penchant for belting out love songs.

"Some day when spring is here~"

"Merlin, it is spring. And we're already in the castle."

"We'll find out love anew!"

Lancelot smirked, "You bet you will."

"And the birds will sing!"

"Not if I can help it," Arthur grumbled. "You'll have to remember to keep the windows shut in the morning."

"And wedding bells will ring!"

"Um."

"Some day when my dreams come true!"

"Merlin," Gaius said. "I believe they already have."

Please review! :D