I do not own Minecraft. Well, actually I do, I have a copy of it on my hard drive. What I meant to say was that I don't own the rights to it. Mojang does. Although I would like to own Notch's hat.

He had completed his greatest work yet, and now Minecraft Jimmy was about to take a step into the great unknown. Not since his first trip through a Nether Gate had he felt such quivering anticipation of what lay beyond the wondrous gate he had constructed. It seemed little more than a door-sized arch of mossy cobblestone framing the glowing pink portal which pulsated with a strange energy while emanating strange unearthly sounds.

He had first come across the instructions for building the portal while translating the mysterious runes he had uncovered deep within one of the many underground fortresses in the land. The runes spoke of a mysterious realm called Realworld, which could be reached by installing the modspell created by a mysterious individual known only as jizzlord69. This would allow the building of a Real Gate, using mossy cobblestone, ender pearls and redstone torches.

Minecraft Jimmy had taken it upon himself to construct the gate, mainly because he was bored, and now the bizarre structure loomed over him, the sinister portal enticing him inside. He took one look back at Minecraft Land, wondering if he would ever return, and boldly stepped into the light. The world around him began to melt away, until he suddenly found himself standing in the middle of a field, with only a scattering of trees for scenery. He looked up at the azure sky, and squinted as he took his bearings from the sun. That was when he noticed the first peculiarity in this strange new world.

The sun was round. How bizarre. Nevertheless, there was no time gawking when there was work to be done. It was time to find some shelter. First off, he would need a wooden crafting table, so he selected the mightiest oak he could find, cracked his knuckles, drew back his fist, and struck the tree with all his might.

There was a loud crack, and Minecraft Jimmy felt a sickening pain explode within his hand.

'Aagh, fuck!' he cried out instinctively. He looked down at his hand, which was now turning blue.

He had clearly broken a bone, but there was nothing to worry about: having filled up on porkchops beforehand, he would simply have to wait a while until his hand was fully healed. He stood where he was and waited.

Three hours of standing around later, it began to rain, and Minecraft Jimmy's hand was still blue and exceedingly painful. Unable to fathom out why his hand had not healed, as it should have done by now, he broke from his standing place and made for the shelter of the nearest tree so that he could consider his options. He would have to think quickly, for the cloud-darkened sky meant that monsters could spawn at any moment, and he really didn't relish taking on a creeper with his sword-hand broken.

He heard a baa-ing noise, and was somewhat reassured to see a flock of sheep coming towards him. They would certainly come in handy, as he still hadn't made a bed for the night. Even if he couldn't get the wood for the frame, he might as well get the wool he needed for the bedding.

So he picked out the biggest, woolliest sheep in the flock, drew back his good fist, and landed a heavy blow on the unsuspecting creature's jaw. The sheep slumped to the ground without a sound, and Minecraft Jimmy gave a whoop of triumph; his first victory in this strange new land.

Old Jock the shepherd, who had watched the whole thing, did not find it so amusing and promptly dialled 999 on his mobile.

Minecraft Jimmy's first outing to a police station was not a pleasant experience. Seated in a bare room with only a surly, chain-smoking officer for company, he had spent the last four hours seated at a small table enduring a constant barrage of questions.

'We know it was you, we got a reliable witness in Old Jock,' growled the officer, 'so why don't you just come clean and admit you done it?'

'Done what?' asked Minecraft Jimmy blankly.

The officer sighed, his head flopping forward into his hands, which were curled in frustration.

'For the last time, punching a sheep.'

'Well yeah, of course I did it. How else was I supposed to get his wool?'

'Ever hear of shears?'

'Well, of course, but I left mine in Minecraft Land. The only alternative was to punch it to death silly.'

'Right, so you admit animal cruelty then?'

'What? No, I was just being practical.'

The officer gave a long sigh, blowing a plume of smoke through his nostrils like an irate dragon.

'Well Minecraft Jimmy,' he said finally, 'we're going to charge you with animal cruelty anyway. See you in court, you piece of filth.'

Unable to provide a home address beyond 'cobblestone house, forest biome,' Minecraft Jimmy was denied parole and immediately carted off to jail. He spent a total of five months awaiting trial, during which time he was accosted several times while trying to tunnel out his cell, although he insisted he was only looking for a nearby underground cave after hearing weird noises.

The day of the trial arrived, and it took the jury just a few hours to find him guilty. Fortunately, since the sentence was a month in prison, he was immediately released having served the given amount of time prior to the trial, and subsequently won a six-figure sum of compensation for stress brought on by the unnecessary prison time he had served.

Thus, Minecraft Jimmy got his first taste of British justice.

With the settlement he had won, Minecraft Jimmy was able to purchase a modest semi-detached home on Mulberry Lane, a quiet road nestled in one of the more respectable parts of town. He soon settled into his new home and quickly acquainted himself with the neighbours, in particular Mr Johnson, who lived next door.

One day, Minecraft Jimmy was relaxing in the back yard, when Mr Johnson popped his head above the fence dividing their gardens.

'Hey, you, Minecraft Jimmy,' he said with a face like thunder. 'I want a word with you.'

'What can I do for you, neighbour?' asked Minecraft Jimmy amiably.

'Don't you bloody neighbour me. You're the one who dug that dirty big hole in my garden, aren't you?'

Minecraft Jimmy glanced into Mr Johnson's garden. It was a particularly pretty little garden, at least it would have been had it not been so horrifically despoiled by the gaping crater gouged into the flowerbed. Great clumps of soil were scattered across the lawn and the patio bore a new and unusual pattern courtesy of the dozens upon dozens of uprooted flowers scattered all over the concrete.

Minecraft Jimmy looked at Mr Johnson and smiled. 'Yeah, sorry about that. I've been spending a lot of time building my mine. Accidents happen unfortunately, and from the looks of your garden, seems like I made a bit of a miscalculation.'

Mr Johnson's face seized up as though he were sucking a lemon. 'You call this a bit of a miscalculation? My garden is ruined, and, and, what did you say you were building? A mine?'

'Yes. Come and see it. We can go through the entrance I've built in my house.'

With great reluctance, Mr Johnson entered Minecraft Jimmy's garden, and was invited into the house. It was somewhat unremarkable, sparsely decorated with chairs which appeared to be little more than wooden steps with wooden boards for the arms, a handful of framed pictures at random intervals, and a series of crude torches fixed to the walls made from wooden sticks with burning lumps of coal at the apex. The living room was somewhat more interesting however, owing to the great hole punched directly through the middle of the floor, with a rickety wooden ladder leading down into the depths.

Mr Johnson opened his mouth to speak, but made no sound. His head swivelled on his neck as he took in the sight, while his mouth continued to open and close like a fish gasping for air.

Minecraft Jimmy grinned broadly as he watched Mr Johnson gape, presumably in admiration, at his achievements.

'I thought you'd like it,' he said.

Mr Johnson shut his eyes, and stood quietly for several seconds. He opened his eyes again and turned towards his host.

'Are you out of your mind?' blurted Mr Johnson, and stomped off. 'Indoor mine indeed, I've never heard of such nonsense in all my life.'

The next few weeks went by fairly quietly. Minecraft Jimmy spent most of his days hiiden away from civilisation digging in the mine. However things were not going according to plan. Not only had he failed to find any kind of resource, not even a lump of coal, but the only underground cavern he had managed to find had turned out to be an abandoned sewer, and the only monsters he had fought off were a couple of scrawny rats.

Nevertheless, he refused to lose heart, and continued to tunnel into the ever-expanding mining network until it became more and more difficult to find his way around the veritable rabbit-warren of tunnels and passages..

Of course, while all this was going on, Mr Johnson didn't stay quiet for long, and soon made his presence known again when there was a violent knock at Minecraft Jimmy's door. The door opened to a somewhat dazed-looking Mr Johnsont.

'Where's my apple tree?' he growled as softly as he could.

'I beg your pardon?'

Mr Johnson gave a deep huff before continuing. 'Yesterday, there was a big apple tree in my garden. It was a very nice apple tree, and it produced some very fine apples. In fact, did you know my wife used to make pies from those apples? She used to make them for the church fêtes, where they were always well-received. The vicar was particularly fond of my wife's apple pie, and even gave them a mention during a sermon. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that when I went to the garden this morning the apple tree wasn't there. There was just a stump where it used to stand. I got quite upset about it actually. And then I started to think about you. Because I had this sneaking suspicion that maybe, just maybe, you had something to do with it.'

'Why yes,' said Minecraft Jimmy. 'I chopped it down with my new stone axe last night. I'm running low on wood for supports you see.'

Mr Johnson stared blankly at him, then turned his head skyward.

'Why me God?' he asked, his voice beginning to crack.

He turned back towards Minecraft Jimmy, and raised an accusatory finger.

'Mark my words, the council will hear about this,' he said, and was gone.

With Mr Johnson gone, Minecraft Jimmy gave a shrug, grabbed his pick and rode the ladder deep into the bowels of the mine. He had uncovered an area of sheer rock, and he was optimistic that he would soon uncover a treasure trove of resources if he kept at it. So for the next few hours, all was silent save for the repetitive chink of pickaxe on rock as he chipped away at the rock wall, daydreaming of gold, diamonds and redstone.

Suddenly, there was an almighty crash from above, followed by a shower of rubble. Minecraft Jimmy managed to jump clear, but he realised with horror that the earth-shattering crash had come from his house. He hurried back to the ladder and sprung up the rungs with spider-like agility, fearing the worst.

He emerged back into the living room, and after frantically searching through the whole building, he was relieved to find it intact. Next he ran out to check the garden, and likewise everything seemed normal. The wheat farm he had built seemed untouched, the sugar cane by the pond continued to grow tall and straight, and the cacti in the sandpit he had dug seemed to be doing very nicely indeed.

He turned back with a sigh of relief, but then noticed something quite odd. It was Mr Johnson's house, which was now listing at a worryingly steep angle. He could see Mr Johnson himself leaning out an upstairs window. He appeared quite nonchalant given the circumstances. He caught Minecraft Jimmy watching him, and looked back with a resigned expression, looking as though he might burst into tears at any moment.

'Mr Johnson,' called Minecraft Jimmy. 'Your house is...'

'I know,' said Mr Johnson flatly. 'I was just in my study reading The Guardian, minding my own business, when all of a sudden there was an almighty crash and I was quite unceremoniously catapulted from my favourite chair. Turns out this was because my house had just slid off its foundations, which I suppose happens from time to time. I did have a passing thought that perhaps this terrible occurence may have resulted from the network of tunnels dug under the house by my complete idiot of a neighbour. But it's only a passing thought mind.'

'Yeah, sorry about that,' said Minecraft Jimmy raising his hand. 'Guilty. But don't worry. I've got a ton of cobblestone in my chest, and I reckon it's more than enough to build you a brand spanking-new house...'

Mr Johnson calmly raised his hand for silence.

'Now you listen, and you listen good,' he said firmly. 'I never want to speak you again. I never want to see to you again. I never even want to think about you again. Mark my words, if you ever come near me, if you ever come near any of my family, I will call the police, but not just the police. I will also call the fire and ambulance services. Why? Because quite simply, you are a health hazard. You are a threat to the existence of anyone and anything within your vicinity and frankly I think you should be locked up in a very small room for the rest of your life. And I will do everything in my power to make that happen if you ever, ever come near me again. Do I make myself clear?'

Minecraft Jimmy shrugged.

'You seem to be in a bit of a bad mood,' he said. 'I'll leave you alone until you're feeling a bit better.'

Things returned to as near to normal as possible, but even as repairs to Mr Johnson's house were completed, Minecraft Jimmy would not stop digging. He just couldn't, it was in his blood. Every day it was the same trip into the stony abyss, mining away from the crack of dawn to the close of dusk. The chink-chink of the pickaxe brought him joy, and the eternal optimism of one day striking gold and diamonds was as powerful as unadulterated lust.

That was until the day he unwittingly struck a water pipe. The powerful jet splashed him hard in the face, spewing angrily onto the stone floor without letting up. Try as he might, he could not stem the flow, and was forced to drop his pick and run for his life.

'Have you seen Minecraft Jimmy lately?' asked Mrs Johnson to her husband. 'I haven't seen him for months now.'

'And thank God for that,' said Mr Johnson as he thumbed through the morning newspaper. 'He's been nothing but trouble since he moved here.'

'Maybe he had an accident down the mine.'

'Here's hoping,' said Mr Johnson.

'I heard he emigrated to Hawaii,' said Susan, the Johnson's eldest daughter.

'God I hope that's true,' said Mr Johnson. 'Hopefully he'll fall down a volcano.'

'It seems strange though,' said Mrs Johnson. 'Why choose Hawaii of all places?'

'I really don't care,' said Mr Johnson rising from the table. 'What matteres is that he isn't here. In the meantime, I'm going to go out and enjoy the garden, and savour my new Minecraft Jimmy-free existence.'

Venturing out into the mini-paradise of his yard, Mr Johnson looked around, listening to the birds sing. He took a deep breath and took a deep sniff of the sweet morning air. The sky was a deep blue with not a cloud to be seen. Yes, he thought. Today would be a good day.

He became aware of a distant rumbling sound beneath his feet, which grew louder and louder as the ground began to tremble. He turned to run and by this time even the house itself was shaking. In a panic, Mr Johnson and the rest of the family sprinted from the house out onto the street. They could only watch in dismay from afar as the house shook more and more violently until, quite unexpectedly, the whole building exploded in a tsunami of molten lava. As fire rained down, the rest of Mulberry Lane began to emerge as their homes burst into flame and they all fled for their lives.

A long long way away, they finally stopped running, and watched helplessly as their nice little street was annihilated under the volcanic cataclysm. The men gasped, the women wept and the children screamed. Then quite unexpectedly, and much to Mr Johnson's dismay, Minecraft Jimmy reappeared. He looked towards the eruption and whistled.

'Wow, that's quite a show. I didn't think it'd be that bad.'

'You!' said Mr Johnson . 'It was you, wasn't it! What the hell have you done this time?'

'Well, after I flooded the mine, I thought to myself "with all this water going to waste, what better way to make use of it than by farming a ton of obsidian?" So, the obvious thing to do was to try and find some lava. It took a long time but when I finally found an appropriate source in a great big volcano on the island of Hawaii, the natural thing to do was to build a channel to get this lovely lava all the way back to the flooded mine so that I could wallow in obsidian galore for the rest of my life. At least that was the plan.' he said, gazing back towards the raging inferno which had once been Mulberry Lane. 'Looks like I miscalculated.'

'Are you telling me you dug a tunnel all the way here from Mauna bloody Kea or wherever,' said Mr Johnson feeling his sanity slipping away bit by bit, 'just so you could make a few bits of volcanic glass?'

'Why yes,' said Minecraft Jimmy, 'although...oh damn, I didn't bring my diamond pick from Minecraft Land. I wouldn't even have been able to mine any of the stuff. Heh, I just completely wasted my time. Kinda funny though eh?'

The former residents of Mulberry Lane all stared at Minecraft Jimmy, united in their urge to commit grievous bodily harm.