"Brickwork"

Winner of the 2012 Castle Fan Awards in the fanfic category: Best Drama

Nominated in the 2012 Castle Fan Awards in the fanfic category: Best Long Story

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Hi again!

Well, as you can see I've begun another story. It's the story of Kate's wall coming down, from her POV, and starts with the beginning of season 4 and will go off into my own story line. I hope that this will be a fun journey, not only for our beloved Beckett and Castle, but also for you!

So far I have the first couple chapters written, and I know where I want the story to go and where I want it to end, but I have no idea how many chapters it will take to get there. (And please don't be scared off by the length of this first chapter, I can promise not all of them will be so lengthy.) My goal is to post 1-2 chapters per week though, because like you, I don't like waiting to see what will happen next.

Anyway, as always, I appreciate your feedback, so please don't be shy. Getting a few kind words here or there always makes writing a little easier.

And thanks to my friend Teelduo, for all you do. Your encouragement never fails to brighten my day.

DISCLAIMER: For this chapter and all future ones of this fanfiction, I lay no claim to the ownership of the Castle characters, places, etc. I am only borrowing them, and will put them back just like I found them.

"Brickwork"

by DeBo81

"We'll figure it out. That wall inside, won't be there forever." -Richard Castle

Chapter 1

"Well Kate, do you have any questions or anything else you want to talk about before I sign off on your psych evaluation?"

"No, I think I'm good. Can't wait to get back into the saddle."

"Just don't force it. Take your time. Its not uncommon for people to continue to struggle with anxiety, nightmares and fears for months, even years, after their trauma. It doesn't mean you're weak if you experience any of these things. It's always a continuing process."

"I know. And thank you Dr. Burke, for everything."

Kate rose from the leather chair that had become increasingly more comfortable with each of her appointments over the last four weeks, and reached out to shake the doctor's hand. Afterward, he quickly signed and dated several forms, folded them and stood as he handed them to her. A tingle of excitement, mixed with a chill of nerves, spread through her as she realized she was a step closer to returning to the force.

"It's entirely your decision, but I'd like to see you again in about nine months. Sometimes the anniversary of a trauma can be a trigger. I find that a lot of my patients benefit from the extra session. And in the mean time, you have my number, if you ever feel the need to talk, call me."

She nodded silently, acknowledging his offer, but still dismissing the thought as unnecessary. She was sure that for many people, it was an excellent idea, but not her. She didn't need to run to a therapist every time she had a bad day. As is, she felt like she'd already run out of things to talk about during the eight mandatory sessions she'd already sat through.

"I assure you, if I ever need to talk, you'll be the first person I call."

The doctor smiled knowingly. He didn't need to be a mind reader to know that she had no intentions of following through.

"I appreciate that. Best of luck, Detective."

She opened the door to leave, but paused just before exiting the small office. "Have a nice day, Doctor."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Kate shut the door to her apartment and carefully locked every bolt and latch, before slumping against it with a sigh. Despite the fact that this last session didn't really delve much into anything of importance, she felt emotionally exhausted.

She liked Dr. Burke. He was a good listener, very insightful and maintained an appropriate balance of professionalism and casualness that encouraged her to be open with him. Maybe that's why she always felt bad for not being completely truthful. It was too late now though, she was finished and cleared for duty. She was done.

Mentally picking herself up, Kate straightened her spine and walked to the center of her living room, taking a good look around as she went. A perilously stacked pile of unopened mail dared gravity on her table. Unzipped pieces of luggage with clothes falling out of them, dotted her floor. And a long forgotten Walgreens bag poked out from behind a cushion on her couch, likely still filled with an assortment of pain pills, sleep aids and anti-depressants that she had refused to take when her Dad filled her prescriptions for her almost three months earlier. Her place was a mess, but she didn't care. She was home. Tonight she wouldn't be crashing at her father's place or heading back out to the cabin. For the first time all summer, she was back for more than a few hours and it felt good.

Being careful not to pull any of her still sore muscles, Kate picked up the two duffel bags from the floor and took them to her room. On the way, one of the bags knocked a picture off a shelf, sending it crashing to the floor.

"Crap!" She hissed through her teeth before tossing the bags on the bed.

Bending over the mess on the floor, Kate picked up the largest shards of glass before flipping over the photo. A smile tugged at her lips. Even her exasperation over the broken frame couldn't compete with her best friend's megawatt smile. Esposito had taken the picture of her and Lanie the year before, right after they finished the New York City Half Marathon, side by side.

Guilt crept in as she stared at the picture. It had been close to a month since the last time they spoke. In fact, not since the night after her first appointment with Dr. Burke. When Lanie started asking too many questions, getting to close to her wounded heart, Kate exaggerated how tired she was and abruptly ended the conversation. Like a coward, she'd never called back... just like she never called Castle. At least with Lanie there had been a few random texts.

Once again, Kate pushed her feelings back into that dark place she didn't often examine. She'd deal with them later. Right now she has a mess to clean up.

That night while laying in bed, Kate couldn't turn off the thoughts that plagued her weary mind. How was she supposed to sit at home alone with her thoughts for another week? She needed a distraction. She needed to go back to work.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Detective Beckett took two hesitant steps forward then paused while the elevator doors closed silently behind her. She didn't feel the comfort of routine like she'd hoped, instead it was pain laced with fear that stole her breath and stung her eyes.

She clutched her fists, causing the gold chain wrapped around her hand to bite into skin. Her mother's ring spun freely, its facets catching the lights as it moved.

As usual, the cherished memento helped her find her strength. She moved her gaze to her desk, determined to focus on the day ahead. Before she could even take one step toward her goal, applause filled the bullpen. At first she turned to see who everyone was clapping for, but quickly became aware that the ovation was for her.

When an officer went down, it effected everyone in the police family. It was truly a respected brotherhood. To see Beckett return to the station was encouraging and life affirming for many of her friends and coworkers.

Kate smiled and waved, acknowledging the outpouring of support, but then made a bee line for her desk, where she was soon joined by her concerned looking team of Ryan and Esposito.

"Hey Beckett." Kevin greeted. "What are you doing here? I didn't think you were back til next week."

"Yeah well, two months listening to crickets in my Dad's cabin was driving me nuts." Kate replied while unzipping her bag.

Javier Esposito's eyes twinkled. "It's OK. You don't have to make excuses. We know you missed us. That's why you couldn't stay away."

Beckett held back both the smile and the eye roll that her instincts demanded.

"Shut up!"

The whole conversation was actually very sweet and undertoned with more subtext than a Nikki Heat book. The guy's teasing concern silently asked if she was OK and told how much they worried about her. Her sassy reply answered that she was going to be fine and appreciated everything. After all, the detective department of the Twelfth was hardly the place for a teary hug filled reunion; not that any of them would allow that of themselves anyway.

"So?" She asked. "Anything?"

The men's smiles melted from their faces and were replaced with looks of apology.

Ryan answered. "Still nowhere."

Kate's heart dropped into her stomach. What? she screamed inside. Don't tell me that! It's been three months! I was shot in front of a hundred cops. How can the case be cold!

Autopilot kicked in and she began to question her friends. They told her what they knew, but it wasn't much.

Ryan looked terribly uncomfortable. "Didn't Castle tell you 'bout any of this?"

And there it was. She knew it was coming. She knew someone would bring him up sooner rather than later. His words of love flashed through her mind, like they did a dozen times a day since he'd said them. And like every other time, she tried to push them away. She couldn't deal with that right now on top of everything else. She certainly couldn't dwell on the belly full of butterflies the thought always awakened.

"No."

"That's weird." Esposito frowned. "Why wouldn't he...? Why would he hide that from you?"

She shrugged out of her jacket and kept her eyes down. The last thing she needed right now was Laurel and Hardy here seeing into her soul.

"He's not hiding anything. I just haven't seen him in a while."

Esposito was not giving up. "How long is a while?"

"Pretty much since the shooting." Beckett continued to try to settle in but the guys apparently decided to sharpen their interrogation skills on her instead.

"Why? What happened?"

She diverted to the lounge, but they followed, only steps behind. "Nothing happened. I just needed some time."

"What? He left you alone for three months?" Clearly the guys were growing upset with their absent friend.

"Guys, it's not his fault. I told him that I would call."

"Well why wouldn't you?"

She filled her coffee cup at the high end machine Castle had bought them and missed him even more. Right now she just wished everything was normal and that he'd saunter off the elevator with a couple steaming paper cups and a bag of bear claws.

"He was here with us everyday; working the case...," Javier informed her.

The revelation drew her complete attention.

"For months. He'd still be here if the new Captain hadn't kicked him to the curb."

What! Who does she think she is? She didn't have the right to kick him out. This was not OK. Castle is her partner.

"She kicked him out? Why?"

Ryan couldn't even look at her when he first answered. "Apparently, uh, HER precinct's got no room for a 'Dilettante writer playing cop'." Just then he look up to see the subject of their conversation, and nodded toward her. "Captain Victoria Gates, AKA "Iron Gates". And as by the book as they come. She cut her teeth as a detective in Internal Affairs."

"Wow, that's not going to win her any popularity points."

"Yeah. It's like she brought her distrust of cops along with her."

Esposito chimed in. "Well one thing's for sure. She's no Montgomery."

Ryan started acting nervous, and then reminded Esposito about some more info on her mother's case. Kate's attitude soared. Her shooting may be cold for the moment but any new leads for her mom's case almost negated that fact, until Javier dropped the bomb that Gates had the investigation shut down.

Kate wanted to scream. Of course they were trying to protect Montgomery and inadvertently her, but how could they let Gate's do that! Enough was enough. It was time she had a word or five with the new Captain!

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Beckett was on fire. She hadn't felt this drive since she determined to turn her three weeks of physical therapy into one. She grabbed the psych evaluation from her bag and charged toward Montgomery's, no, Gates' office. Gates was about to meet her match.

"Ma'am." Beckett said as she entered.

Gate's never flinched, never blinked, never even raised her head from what she was reading. "If my mother drops by, you can call her ma'am. Call me "Sir" or "Captain"."

"Detective Beckett. Back on active, as of today." She placed her paperwork on the captain's desk.

"Detective Beckett? Your reputation proceeds you. Youngest woman in the NYPD to make detective. Beat me by six weeks."

Kate couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was the Captain starting a pissing contest with her?

"I didn't realize people kept score."

"Everybody keeps score, Detective. Especially those downtown." Gates examined the Dr.'s release and confirmed her active duty, handing her badge back to her.

"...I'll also need my gun."

Gates wasn't going to be persuaded. She stared Kate down while spouting regulation, briefly making Beckett question if she was a decorated detective or a rookie to the force. So that was the way of it, huh? She knew it might not be wise , but decided to push back.

"And what about my case? What does Reg say about that?"

Kate could read people very well. It was one of the things that made her so good at her job. And what she read from Gates, was that she accepted the challenge without hesitation.

"Three months and no leads? And everyday more homicides coming through that door? How long did you expect me to let those folks tread water? There were good people on this case but there just isn't anything out there."

Beckett's anger rose with every word. It took all her restraint to hold back the onslaught she wanted to unleash, but this was her boss, so she tried to sensor herself.

"I'm sorry Sir, but with all do respect, those people aren't me."

"Excuse me?"

"The people you had working this case. They're not me." Kate was indignant. She knew with some time she could crack this case. Didn't this woman realize that there was someone out there who most likely had another bullet with her name on it? Didn't she realize what kind of hell it was to live each day with one eye open?

"Look, I don't know what kind of shop Montgomery was running here. But it will be a cold day in hell if I let a cop, ANY cop, investigate their own shooting. My precinct in no place for vendettas. Do we understand each other?"

Bitch! She cursed in her mind before turning and leaving the Captain who was already back to her paperwork.

Esposito and Ryan who didn't even pretend they weren't watching the whole thing transpire, shamelessly put their two cents in on the matter without being asked. If Gates wanted to close the case, fine, let her think that. But there was nothing that was going to keep Kate from continuing to investigate.

When Beckett asked the boys about the location of the files that were part of the only lead they had currently, she was more than a little surprised to find that Castle had them, in order to keep Gates from seeing them. Obviously the new Captain had instilled a fear in her team. It was just one more thing to get in the way.

When a call came in for a new case, Ryan and Esposito headed out, but Kate hung back. She needed to organize herself and clear her thoughts. She didn't even have her weapon yet, so no one really blinked at her decision to stay, which was a relief. Because if anyone sensed her apprehension was from the shock of nerves that struck her, she didn't know what she would do. Maybe I came back too soon.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

After more than two hours at her desk, Kate was no less agitated than before. She was upset that they were no closer to nabbing the sniper who shot her, than the moment the bullet hit her. She was frustrated by feeling that her own physical and emotional limitations were holding her back. She missed Rick. She was beyond annoyed with the woman who was now her boss, and she was furious that she'd have to requalify to get her piece back.

Well that's one thing I can nip in the bud right now. Kate stood abruptly from her chair and stretched, causing her breath to hitch. If her shoulder and side were this sore just from sitting stiffly at her desk, they'd really be screaming after an afternoon at the range.

After leaving a note on Javier's desk, telling the guys she'd be back in on Monday, she headed for the elevator and never looked back.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

BANG

The sound of the shot echoed off the cold brick walls of the firing range. Painful, tingling vibrations skittered up and down the length of her arm. A cold sweat broke out over Kate's entire body. The silhouette on the target was unscathed.

She never heard the shot that hit her, but the shot from the weapon she held in her hand brought the day of her shooting fresh to her mind.

Everything replayed itself in slow motion, over and over again.

She tried to clear her mind, to focus on her target. She gripped the gun again and aimed.

BANG

The bullet tore through the paper just to the right of the target's shoulder. Shooting like this would get someone killed and it wouldn't be the perp.

Again she raised the weapon and aimed. Her hands shook and a sheen of tears blurred her vision, but again she pulled the trigger.

BANG

Over and over, she fired until she was empty. Not one shot was close to the bullseye.

She slammed the gun down on the counter with a growl, pulled her headphones off and stepped back. Thankfully she was the only one there at the time so no one saw her fit.

After pacing a little while, she stopped and wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This is stupid. I can do this!" Kate said aloud to no one.

She wadded up the target she just used and loaded a fresh one onto the frame. When it was back in place, she replaced the headphones, wiped her clammy hands on her pants and picked up the gun to reload it. It was heavy, unfamiliar. She felt no assurance with it in her hand.

She fussed with her grip on the weapon until she found a comfortable spot. Doing so, reminded her of the first time she'd brought Castle here to teach him to shoot and how he'd played dumb so that she'd press herself close to him. They'd been here several times since then, but that time was still a favorite. She wouldn't allow herself the frivolity of pondering why it was so special though.

Thinking of Castle only served to bring her back full circle to the shooting. He'd proven time and time again that he would stand by her, but that day he almost took a bullet for her. He could have been killed! Her entire body tensed involuntarily, including the finger on the trigger.

BANG

Bullseye!

She only took a half second to let her success register. Her confidence soared but she was in no mood to celebrate.

I could have been killed!

BANG

Bullseye!

Montgomery was killed!

BANG

Bullseye!

Gates doesn't give a shit!

BANG

Bullseye!

I need to bring my Mom's murderer to justice!

Again she went into automatic mode, firing time after time, each bullet creating a larger hole in the center of the paper.

She let her emotions take her over, fueling the fire that had been simmering just under the surface. When her clip was empty, she changed it and the target and kept on shooting. It was good therapy. After emptying her fifth cartridge, and being cleared by an instructor, her shoulder was too numb to continue. She had what she needed. It was time to go home.

When she left the range, she was invigorated. She decided to forgo her usual cab ride and walk the eleven blocks home.

About half way through her journey, she decided to make a short side trip. Her favorite bakery that sold iced caramel mocha cappuccinos was just a block out of the way, and she was in the mood for a decadent treat.

As she approached the small shop, she saw someone out of the corner of her eye. Rick!

But when she turned toward him, she found it wasn't him after all. It was the life size photo cut out of him that she'd seen in bookstores before.

Without thinking, she forgot about the bakery and wandered into the bookstore instead.

As ruggedly handsome as the man in the photo was, Kate realized the picture she stood next to, really didn't do him justice. It didn't do anything to capture his unending kindness or his witty charm, which were what really made him so attractive.

Next to the cardboard figure was a large table covered in bright yellow jacketed books. Heat Rises. She reached out and picked one up, excited to finally see it in print. When had that changed?

She flipped open to the dedication, a smile hovering tentatively on the corner of her lips. In the first two books, he'd singled her out. Had he done it again?

The smile instantly disappeared, but not because it wasn't made out to her. No, this dedication was maybe the best yet; a fitting farewell to their beloved Captain Montgomery.

Kate blinked back a tear. She would not cry again. Not here. Not now. She needed to move on.

A women wearing a navy polo shirt and an employee lanyard with the name Shannon on it, approached her. "Richard Castle fan?"

She bit her lip before answering. Oh my gosh am I blushing?

She blinked, once, then twice. "You could say that. I think I have all his books so far." Kate tried to sound casual and was immensely grateful that Rick would never know about this encounter.

"Well then you'll love this one. In my opinion, it's his best yet!"

"Really?"

"Definitely! I wasn't much into him before his Nikki Heat series, but now I'm hooked. I cannot wait until tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

Shannon pointed to a large sign near the entrance that somehow she'd missed. "He'll be here tomorrow from 1-3 signing his new book. I was so excited when I found out, that I traded days with my friend Matt, so that I could be here."

Kate ducked her face to hide her amusement.

"Thanks for letting me know. Maybe I'll stop by."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

She was nervous. It has been three months and this was how she was going to walk back into his life. Am I making a mistake?

Kate stood silently behind a pair of young women who were nervously giggling about meeting their favorite author. She thought back over the years to the first time she stood in line for Castle's signature. Had she been this smitten? This... adoring? She hoped not.

Just then, the more voluptuous of the preceding pair, joked about the fact that she could think of a few places she'd rather him sign instead of the book in her hand.

No, I definitely wasn't that bad. She assured herself.

She'd been in line now for more than an hour. Every couple minutes brought her a few feet closer to him. What would he say? What would he do? Would he happy to see her? Would he give her the cold shoulder?

The line moved up again. Only five more fans were in front of her. She tried to stay out of sight so that she could watch him but that he wouldn't see her. She watched as he smiled and chatted with each person, but noticed his smile never reached his eyes. He looked tired, disenchanted, like he'd lost his spark. All of a sudden she wanted to run to him. Hug him. Tell him she missed him. But her feet stayed firmly planted.

The queue moved again. There was an older couple and then the pair of giggling fangirls in front of her. For a brief second she thought about leaving, but knew she would certainly regret it.

She looked down at the book she held. She'd read the entire thing the night before. She couldn't put it down. Shannon had been right, it was his best work yet. But there was so much more than the story on the pages. It was the story behind the story that really moved her.

Lost in her own thoughts, Kate didn't even notice that the girls in front of her were already at the table until they were walking away.

Quietly she stepped up and laid her copy of Heat Rises on the table.

He never looked up. "And who should I make it out to?"

She swallowed hard. "Kate."

He looked up immediately. The surprise making his blue eyes grow wide.

"You can make it out to Kate."

A long moment passed without him speaking. She started to question the intelligence of coming. Her own feelings and anxiety clouded out her ability to read his reaction.

"Kate." Her name on his lips was like a breath of fresh air. "How are you?"

"Better. You?"

He dropped his attention to the book under his hovering pen before finally beginning to write. "I'm fine. Thanks for coming out today."

Kate was confused. He sounded so detached, just like he did when he spoke to every other fan. But why?

He handed her the book with a practiced smile plastered to his face. It didn't hide the hurt shining in his eyes. "It's good to see you again. We'll have to get together soon."

And with that she was dismissed. Numbly she stepped aside so the next person could approach him, but she didn't leave. She just stood there staring at him in disbelief.

After several fans came and went without him ever looking her way, she finally turned toward the exit and collided with Shannon who was carrying a stack of Castle books toward the display. In that instant she had a plan.

"Excuse me. I didn't see you there." Kate said, as she bent to pick up the fallen novels.

"No. No! You're fine. Don't worry about it."

When Kate handed the books back, Shannon recognized her. "Oh you made it after all! I'm so glad!"

"Me too, thanks for letting me know about it."

"My pleasure!"

"Um, I was wondering, since you're such a fan, if you could help me with something."

"Sure, let me just put these down."

Shannon returned after only a few seconds. "What can I do for you?"

Kate rocked from foot to foot and then leaned in close to the young blonde. "My name is Kate Beckett, and I'm actually good friends with Rick..."

Already the young woman's eyes were growing wide. "You're Nikki Heat?" She squealed quietly.

"Shhhhhh. Yes." Kate pulled out her wallet and showed her ID, proving her claim.

"I knew you looked familiar. You were in all the papers this spring after that shooting. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Thanks." The recognition made her uncomfortable, but when she used her "celebrity" like this, she should have expected it. "What I was wondering was, see, I want to surprise Rick after the signing, you know take him out to celebrate the new book." Kate held up the item she held as if to back her story. "And I was wondering when and where I should wait, so I that I could surprise him right after the signing."

"Oh that's easy. The event is over at three and we've already cut off the end of the line, so he should be outa here by 3:30 tops."

She looked at her watch. That was a little more than forty five more minutes.

"And he'll leave out the front door I'm sure. So if you just hang around out front. You won't miss him."

"Thank you Shannon. I really appreciate it."

"Anytime!"

The two began to part ways but then a hand lightly touched her elbow. "Um Detective Beckett. I was wondering..."

Kate turned to face the other woman. "Yes?"

Shannon thrust a copy of Rick's book toward her. Would you mind signing this for me?"

She wants my autograph? It felt weird. The request made her feel both honored and awkward. "OK, I guess."

A pen magically appeared in front of her and before it really sunk in, Kate had signed the inside cover "To Shannon, thank you for you help. -Kate "Nikki Heat" Beckett".

"Thank you so much!" Shannon giggled nervously before bounding away.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Beckett leaned against the building. She had better get comfortable, she'd likely be there a while. The first twenty minutes of waiting, she spent people watching, but when she bored of that, she remembered that she'd never looked at what Castle had written in her book.

Unlike the other copies she'd seen him sign, he'd inscribed her copy on the inside cover. "To my dear friend Kate. I've missed you. -Rick"

I've missed you too. She felt horrible about never calling him back, but things were just so complicated. She was afraid of what that call would lead to.

By the time he finally came out, Kate had mentally spun in circles wondering if she'd done the right thing.

She saw him but didn't move, waiting to see if he'd approach her. When he started to pass, she followed him and then finally spoke.

"Castle, wait."

"I did. For three months. You never called."

There was that guilt again.

"I know you're angry..."

"Oh, you're damn right I'm angry." He turned to face her.

She'd imagined what this confrontation might be like, but now that it was happening, she found herself sorely unprepared. He didn't yell or fight dirty. No, he was just brutally honest.

"I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that? Do you know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you...," he hesitated, but her mind shouted LOVE in his silence.

"...Someone you care about."

Briefly she thought about loosing her mom and Royce, but she didn't see them die. She thought about her anger in watching Coonan die and the heartbreak of holding Montgomery's lifeless face, but she knew that none of those were in the same boat as what he was telling her. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to watch Castle die in front of her. Even thinking about it caused a deep pain in the pit of her stomach. As usual she couldn't deal with it, so she pushed it aside.

"I told you I needed some time."

"You said a few days."

"Well I needed more," she defended.

"Well you should have said that." He turned away again to leave. To leave her.

She followed again.

"Castle, look, I couldn't call you..."

His expression clearly said he didn't buy it.

"...K, not without dragging myself into everything that I was just trying to get some space from." Like you telling me you love me. "I needed some time to just work through everything."

"Josh help you with that?"

Already Rick? You have to bring him into this?

"We broke up."

There, that was one thing out in the open. But where would that take them? Suddenly she was the one that needed to walk away, but was relieved to hear him following. She headed for the swings in the park across the street. It had always been her favorite spot on the playground. Under different circumstances she'd be tempted to set herself soaring through the sky. When she sat down, he sat next to her and then waited.

What do I say? I'm sorry I hid, confessing your love scares me more than a bullet. Right! I don't think so.

She toyed with the book on her lap, looking for anything to break the iceberg forming between them.

"I like the dedication."

"Seemed right," he answered aloofly.

"Must have been hard writing that ending."

"Yeah. Yeah, given the circumstances."

Please don't ask is I read the acknowledgments, Rick. Not now.

"So why'd you guys break up?"

Because he was twice as jealous as you are. Because he wasn't there when I needed him. Because he doesn't understand me. Because when I closed my eyes and kissed him, it was you I thought about.

"I really really liked him... but that wasn't enough." He wasn't you. You're the one who makes the songs make sense, she added silently.

A long moment passed. Rick stared out toward the street, thinking, waiting. Kate watched him carefully, hoping beyond hope that he'd hear what she was saying, even if it wasn't all out loud, and yet hoping that he wouldn't ask for more.

When he didn't say anything she took a breath and continued.

"When my mother was killed, something inside me changed. It's like I built up this wall inside. I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to hurt like that again."

Kate stared at Castle, hoping that he'd actually turn and look at her.

"I know that I'm not going to be able to be the kind of person that I want to be. I know I'm not gonna..."

I know I'm not going to be able to completely love you until that wall is gone! The words she wanted to say, screamed in her head but stuck in her throat, causing her to falter.

Rick finally met her gaze while he waited for her to finish.

"...I'm not going to be able to have the kind of relationships I want, until that wall comes down. And it's not going to happen til I put this thing to rest." Will you wait for me? Can you help me destroy this wall before it destroys me?

He dropped his eyes and thought briefly before speaking, "Well then I suppose we're just gonna have to find these guys and take them down. Doesn't mean I'm not still mad."

She wanted to shout with joy, or do a dance or hell, just lay one on him. She hadn't lost him! Aware of her wavering control, she steered the conversation toward her mom's case before she said something stupid like "I love you too."

Before long, the tension had passed and they were back to their old banter and theory. It was just like before... but more.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

When Monday rolled around it was almost business as usual.

Beckett gripped the wheel of her Crown Vic as she and Castle drove ahead of the boys to apprehend a suspect in the murder they were working.

Overall it had been a morning of small victories. Despite having to go over Gate's head, Castle was back, she had her weapon back, and they had more information on the fire chief who may have been used in a plot to destroy evidence in her mom's case. Bringing a murderer to justice would just be icing on the cake.

She knew all three guys were concerned for her. Maybe they even worried that she wasn't ready to be back in full swing, but she felt good. Her adrenaline pumped as they headed into the building, charging her like a drug.

When the team kicked in the door, guns drawn, their suspect ran. She didn't hesitate or think, she just followed, hot on his heels.

Beckett was closing in fast and was ready to make the arrest when he turned, gun in hand, pointed directly at her.

All of a sudden she was frozen, alone, and afraid. Her life tried to flash before her eyes, but she fought for control over both herself and the situation. Her breath came in ragged gasps. Her hands trembled. The barrel of the weapon pointed at her completely held her attention and there was nothing she could do to break that.

She was so paralyzed by her fear that Ryan and Esposito had the guy on the floor and cuffed before she even realized they were in the room with her. She couldn't stop shaking. She wanted to be sick.

They boys ushered their suspect from the room as Castle came to her. She didn't know how much he'd seen and he didn't say. In fact he didn't say a single word. Instead, he wrapped a strong arm around her shoulders and squeezed her briefly against his side.

After a moment he walked slowly away, letting her regain her composure. It was yet another example of how well he knew her, how they communicated so well that words weren't even necessary. Even on the ride back to the station he didn't bring the incident up. Not a word until they were alone in the observation room while the guys handled the interrogation.

He was concerned for her and questioned her, but he didn't offer platitudes or try to talk her into hanging back any longer. It was a relief, because she didn't want to have to defend herself to him, to the one person who really truly knew her. But she was afraid that if she hung around, she would end up having to explain, so she decide it was time to move on, to change gears. It was time to pay Fire Chief Halstead a visit.

XXXXXXXXXXX

By the time Kate threw away the Chinese take out containers from their dinner, she had realized that her panic attack was the turning point in her day. After that moment, almost nothing had gone right. Their encounter with Halstead had gotten them nowhere, and had quite possibly set them back. Then on the way back to the station, they got a flat tire. Thankfully, Castle was there because after only a couple minutes of proving to him that she could change it by herself, her body reminded her that she was still recovering. And even now that they we're back at her place, things hadn't much improved. After spending hours pouring over every file and scrap of paper even remotely connected to Halstead, they hadn't gotten even one step closer to tying him to the case. She knew he was involved though. She could feel it in her gut.

Kate paced the floor while Castle reviewed the paper work for probably the fourth time. She knew he wasn't convinced that he was involved, but kept looking for her.

"This guy's got multiple citations for valor, commendations from the Mayor. He's literally saved dozens of people from burning buildings. It's hard to believe this guy's dirty."

Are you defending him now?

"Yeah well we've been surprised before" Kate retorted defensively.

"OK. Um... Does he intersect with anyone else in the case? Montgomery? Raglan? MacAlister?"

She was shaking her head before he even finished his question. "No. There's nothing in the files."

Kate kept mentally reviewing all she'd read. "He might have known them socially," she suggested.

Castle was quick to respond. "We've been over their lives with a fine tuned comb. He's never come up once."

"OK, so maybe he was a target of opportunity. He might have needed the money."

"Nothing in his financial records indicate any problems. And given his record, he's..."

Kate was starting to bristle. "Given his record, what?

"I'm just saying, what if he's not our guy? What if the fire was an accident?"

"It wasn't an accident. I know it wasn't an accident."

"You can't know that."

A lump started to form in Kate's throat. An knot tightened in her belly. "I can. Because if this was an accident, then I've got no where to start. If this was an accident then I've got nothing."

Tears pricked at her eyes.

Don't do this Kate, she told herself. Don't cry in front of him.

"The guy who shot me is gone. Dick Coonan, gone! Hal Lockwood gone! Montgomery, gone! My mom... everybody is GONE, Castle!"

Kate's eyes became glassy and her lips trembled, but she never looked away from Rick. He sat stone still, looking unsure of what to do. But in her head, she heard him tell her he wasn't gone. In her heart she felt the hug she knew he was afraid to give her.

Would he be next? No! I have to crack this before it takes him away from me too.

She took a deep breath to steady herself before she said or did something she would regret.

Time passed silently, but neither knew for how long. Eventually Rick stood and walked to her. He tentatively placed his hands on her upper arms. "We'll figure this out, Kate. Even if the fire was an accident, even if Halstead isn't involved, we'll figure it out. I promise you. I will leave no stone unturned. The person, the people, responsible for all this will be brought to justice."

"You can't promise this Rick. This isn't one of your books."

"Too late. I already did."

Kate started to roll her eyes but stopped and closed her eyes instead. He didn't deserve her scorn. He was only trying to help.

"Thank you. This isn't even your battle and you've already done so much."

"The hell it isn't."

Kate opened her hazel eyes and looked up into his blue ones. She desperately wanted to lean into him and let go of all she was holding on so tightly to. But she wouldn't allow it. She couldn't add another complication to her life right now. So instead of stepping closer, she took a step back.

"Well, whether it was an accident or not, we don't have the evidence tonight."

He nodded and dropped his arms. "No and it's getting late. I should go."

Her head nodded in agreement, but her heart screamed for him to stay. She really didn't want to be alone.

When he reached the door he turned back one last time. "Try not to worry yourself sick over this, and get some rest."

Kate smiled. "I will. See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight."

And with that Castle was gone. She bolted and locked the door behind him and then turned back to her table covered in files.

Castle was right. She needed to rest. So, in an act of amazing strength, Kate quickly put everything away and then went to bed.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next day as they drove back to the warehouse where they'd been the day before, the same one that she'd had her panic attack at, Kate's mind raced from topic to manic topic.

She was excited about most likely closing the case they were all working on, but scared that she'd have to face her demons again. The upside though to facing those demons was the chance for redemption.

Speaking of demons, she was exhausted. She'd been at the station before five that morning so she could continue reviewing the Halstead information, only to have Castle come in and try to talk her into dropping the whole thing. As tempting as that was, she just didn't know if she could.

The moment she parked the car, her adrenaline began to pump. She was excited. She was scared. She was ready.

Kate followed Ryan and Epsosito into the building with Castle right behind her. At first it looked like no one was there, but she'd have to look carefully. There were plenty of places for a frightened fugitive to hide.

Before she could even begin the search, their suspect, Mitch Yancey jumped out with a gun pointed at her chest. It was yesterday all over again. The barrel of Mitch's weapon stared her down.

"... Just let me walk out of her OK. That's all I want," the grungy rocker pleaded.

Her hands began to tremble, but she fought for control. "Don't... Don't... DON'T MOVE MITCH!"

She closed her eyes as she yelled. It was a mistake that could have easily cost both her's and Castle's life, but Mitch was too nervous and skittish to act.

"I'll shoot you I swear!" Mitch growled.

She held her aim and tried to slow her pounding heart. It wasn't working. The panic was escalating. But then he heard Rick's calm, steady voice just behind her, encouraging her.

"Take it easy Kate."

"Kate" he'd called her Kate ever since the shooting. Not one Beckett. It was an odd time to realize that but it helped her relax and regain an extra ounce of control.

Mitch broke through her thoughts. "I just need you to let me go."

Castle, Rick, continued to back her up. "Take it easy. You've got this."

A little more fear dropped away. She wasn't alone. He was with her. He was always with her, wherever it was that she made her stand.

"You've got this."

Kate's strength grew, and thus Mitch began to waver. "Put it down and stay back."

She stepped closer.

"Stay back!" He hissed again.

"You don't want to do this Mitch," Kate said. Even she was surprised by how in control she sounded, since her insides were close to becoming jello. She stepped closer to him as she spoke, "Because I will have to put you down. Do you understand?"

Now it was his hands that trembled, hers were now steady like rock. She would end this. Not him.

"Put that gun down now." Beckett commanded.

He was shaking and sweating. He was the one breaking, not her. Finally he dropped the gun.

Yes! I did it! She screamed inside. She took a deep breath, and cleared her head. "Turn around. Hands behind your head."

He complied, so she whipped out her cuffs. "Mitch Yancey, you are under arrest."

When the handcuffs were secure, she finally looked back. Esposito, Ryan and Castle were all watching her. The two detectives still had their guns pointed at Mitch.

"What?" she asked the three men.

Javier returned his gun to it's holster and smiled widely at his co-worker and friend. "Welcome back!"

Beckett nodded. She really was back, and their job wasn't over yet. She returned her attention to the defeated musician next to her and read him his rights.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Back at the station, after booking Yancey and completing the paperwork and debriefing, Kate started to gather her things to go home.

Castle approached her. "So how does it feel?"

"It's not enough," Kate answered. "But it's enough for now."

He smiled at her, which sent an unsolicited tingle through her body, making her grin. "Thank you, for having my back in there."

He played it off with a shrug. "That's what partners are for."

Partners, right. Let just keep calling it that.

She headed toward the elevator, sure that he'd fall into step along side her, but instead he stayed put and just kept talking.

"Oh, and hey, we'll figure it out. That wall inside, won't be there forever."

Kate smiled and nodded slightly. She knew she should say something but her mind was blank. Before the silence became awkward she just turned and walked away.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate sat upright in her bed. Tears poured down her cheeks and her breath coming in ragged gasps. Her room was mostly dark except for the green glow of her alarm clock that proudly announced that it was 5:17 am.

It was the second time that night Kate had woke up from a nightmare.

This dream much worse than the one before.

She had been chasing a man that she couldn't see, a shadow with a gun. They ran and ran continuously around the outside of a warehouse that had no doors. She could hear voices screaming from the inside, begging her to help them, but she couldn't find a way in.

Only the shadow knew how to reach them and as hard as she ran, he stayed just out of reach. Then they turned a corner and the shadow was completely gone. She stood listening for him, watching for him, but still she saw nothing.

Then in the distance she saw the spark caused by the strike of a match. She raced ahead and found the shadowy man. He was dressed all in black, and the hood of his jacket hid his face.

"You just couldn't leave things alone, could you?" He said in a warbled voice.

In one hand he held the match that was burning brightly but not burning up, and in the other hand he held a gun which he pointed at her chest.

She raised her weapon in response but her hands were shaking so hard she couldn't even release the safety.

The shadow laughed menacingly and then began to grow.

She finally had her gun ready but he continued to chuckle as he got bigger. She tried to tell him to stop but her voice was stuck in her throat, suffocating her.

She pulled the trigger, but the bullet buzzed past his head leaving him untouched.

"Too bad, Detective", he said. "I win."

With that he threw the match against the wall of the structure. Flames raced upward toward the enormous roof.

She fired her weapon over and over until she was out of bullets and then out of frustration threw her gun right at his head. The gun should have made contact, but as it whizzed through the hood, the jacket and clothes floated, empty, to the floor.

She'd lost him again.

The voices she'd heard before suddenly grew loud in her ears. There were people inside the inferno. Her mother's voice called to her. "Kate!" Then other voices yelled her name. Montgomery, her dad, Lanie, Ryan, Esposito and Rick.

She clawed at the brick wall separating her from her friends and family until her hands were bloody. Then one by one the voices faded away, leaving her alone and choking on smoke. She wept wildly.

That was when she awoke, terrified and distraught.

Kate looked around the room.

"It was only a dream." she repeated aloud, until she was finally able to stop her tears.

The alarm suddenly buzzed, startling her almost completely off the bed. Six am. Time to start a new day.

She should head to the bathroom and begin getting ready for work, but instead, she grabbed the phone off her nightstand and made several calls. Despite the early hour, she was able to get a hold of the people she needed to contact.

With that done, she finally headed to the shower. She needed to get dressed. She had a 7am appointment that she couldn't miss.