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SIXTEEN BOTTLES OF BRAIN BLEACH (won't be enough)

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1

The air was like ice inside the cave and the rough surface of the stone floor hurt her back, but as Kim listened to the howling winds outside and reflected on what had transpired once they'd stripped off their soaking wet mission gear, she felt warmed to the core and was so VERY glad that they'd chosen to take refuge in the velvety shadows rather than take their chances outside in the pouring monsoon. "Mmmmm Ron, I always suspected you might feel that way about me, but I guess you did have to wait until we were alone in a place where not even Wade could see us in order to actually do something about it, huh?"

Passionately close, Ron's voice floated out of the pitch black darkness in a husky stammer: "Uh… does that mean that it wasn't one of the portable battery packs that you helped me stick the cigarette lighter adapter for my mp3 player into…?"

2

"THE HORRORRRAAaaaaaaaa!" Ron screamed as he ran out the seedy nightclub that he'd stealthily snuck into with a fake ID earlier… along with most of the other paying customers.

"Hey, the sign promises you'll see more ass than you've ever seen in your life, and we deliver, Kid," Vinnie Wheeler grinned, pocketing Ron's twenty bucks as his partner, Sumo Ninja, finished the last of his five nude head stands with leg splits, then went to retrieve his loin cloth.

3

Kim looked at Monique with a puzzled expression. "I thought you were supposed to keep them in for three weeks after you first get them and that I'd just gotten a mild infection."

A bit disturbed but at the same time relieved about having finally discovered why her friend's teeth had been chattering non-stop since their sleepover the previous weekend, Monique could only sigh. "That's earrings, not vibrators, Kim."

4

"What are you… no… no… AUGH!" Mr. Barkin screamed in disbelief as the razor sharp knife plunged over and over into his neck and torso, each thrust splattering an even wider arc of blood across the wide expanse of tropical foliage before the educator's eyes finally went dull and his massive body fell over with one last spasmodic quiver and went forever silent.

Ron Stoppable grimaced as he wiped his knife off on the dead teacher's shirt before starting the butchering process, it being imperative that he keep the blade from rusting given that he had no idea how long they'd be stranded on this island where the cheer team's plane had crashed. "Sorry, Mr. Barkin, but I've got a craving for a Naco like you wouldn't believe, and since the nearest Bueno Nacho is a couple of thousand miles away, I'll just have to make do with the nearest available substitute."

5

"That… that… will give me nightmares for years," Kim moaned as the cold cup of coffee that had been thrown in her face brought her back around.

Dr. Director nodded gravely as she returned her 'World's Greatest Head Of A Secret Organization' mug to her desk, then slid her eyepatch back over so that it covered her bad eye once more. "And that is why we need you to find the source of the Motor Ed, Senior Senior Jr. and Big Daddy Brotherson three-way sex tape and destroy all copies."

6

"That is NOT my vibrator!" Bonnie protested as the other cheerleaders all stood around to gape at the 19 inch long purple and green studded monstrosity that had been revealed when the door to the tan cheerleader's locker had mysteriously fallen off.

Kim reassuringly put one hand on Bonnie's shoulder, and in a surprising show of support that almost made it to the end of the sentence, replied sweetly: "Don't worry Bon-Bon, we all know that one's obviously WAY too small for you."

7

"Oh wait, that's a 'W,' not an 'H," Ron exclaimed.

"We figured that out dear," a wide-eyed Mrs. Stoppable gurgled, covering the eyes of the younger family members as Ron hastily removed 'SNOWMAN WANK & THE NAUGHTY CARROT' from the DVD player.

8

James Possible looked up from the insanely long bill and fixed his furiously blushing daughter in the cobra-like focus of his beady eyes. "No dear, the itemized billing on the Pay Per View statement clearly shows that it was the DVR in your room that ordered 'Dykes in Chains' 1, 2, 3 and 5, as well as 'Cunning Linguists,' 'Naughty Nuns,' and 'Naked Ladies Wrestling,' number 1 thru 27, and I think your mother and I are being more than fair in not asking questions about your recent viewing habits, and simply adding the $127.00 bill you've racked up to your rent."

Meanwhile, in the tree outside Kim's window, a smirking green figure read from the monthly programming guide as she punched the timer buttons on the hacked Hot-Dish remote control she'd hot-glued to a convenient branch. "Now let's see, tonight Kimmie's gonna be watching 'Lesbians in Latex,' "Beat Me BiSexually" and then… ooooo… 'She Goes Down Squared,' and then…"

9

Sensei's eyes were cold and stern as he eyed the shibari-bound female ninja before him, her lithe, naked body suspended in a twisted position of penitence by ornately tied strands of silken ninja rope as she awaited his judgment. "I am sorry, Yori-chan, but of all the Yamanouchi sent to the tournament, it was you alone who failed to achieve your goal."

Yori raised her tear filled eyes, the pain not from the bonds or fear of the punishment to come, but from the shame of having failed her ninja brethren. "I accept this punishment without excuses Sensei, for while I did hesitate for just a second… it was in that second that Team Rocket's Nyarth took down my Jigglypuff and thus brought dishonor upon our entire clan."

10

"I don't know why I never thought of this before, but I certainly don't need YOU anymore," DNAmy giggled as she tossed all of her old Cuddle Buddies out the back door and into the trash.

"Now come to Momma, boys!" She laughed as her new, real Bedtime Buddies… Tounguebeetle, Lickalottapuss and the Drildobird… all obediently followed her into the bedroom.

11

Ron scowled into the phone, not believing the blow off he was getting. "Kim, I may not be the sharpest screendoor in the shed, but if you don't want to go out, just say so and don't give me some ridiculous line about having hot flashes!"

"But it's true," Kim protested, watching another cloud of steam rise from beneath her bed sheets where a certain villain was proving that there were some things she was sooo definitely not green at!

12

"So, as you see, masturbating the way you are now is good and healthy for you, and there should be no shame in pleasuring yourself, even when there is another person in the room like there is now," the psychiatrist coaxed convincingly.

"Are you SURE you're a licensed therapist," Kim gasped breathily, her fingers deep inside herself, having not yet recognized that Dr. Lettie Yursef Go was actually Shego under a holo-disguise or that the lamp on the end table closest to her widely spread legs was actually a video camera that was currently shooting what would soon become the most notorious sex tape in the history of the internet.

13

With a puzzled look, Kim picked up and examined the rumpled chef's pants her exhausted husband had left lying at the foot of the bed when he'd staggered in last night from his late shift at the diner. "Ron… why is there a potato in your pocket, and where's Rufus?"

Bolting upright out of the bed with an expression of pure horror, Ron began screaming. "Don't open the potato salad… DON'T OPEN THE POTATO SALAD!"

14

Tara smiled like the cat eating the canary as she let Ron's throbbing member slide slowly out of her mouth, then skillfully finished him off with her left hand until her entire face had been given a glistening monkey master juice facial. "Okay, now that that's done, can you come show me how to do this trigonometry problem?"

Ron looked down in amazement, but honesty got the better of him and he had to make sure... "Um, Tara, you DO know that when you asked me if I could tutor you, what I SAID was that I'd be glad to do it as long as I could come over to your PLACE…"

15

"It's at times like this that one really appreciates the value of team work," Kim Possible sighed, readjusting her sweat-drenched and steaming naked body so that she could both fan her glistening inner possibilities AND motion for another round in the same economical motion.

"Go Team Possible," a spent and exhausted Ron gasped weakly as the last man standing… Rufus wearing one of Big Mike's custom-made condoms as a full-body poncho… advanced upon the target past the nude, satiated and unconscious bodies of Wade, a strap-on wearing Shego, Hego, The Wegos, the entire Middleton MadDogs offensive line and cheer squad, Mr. Barkin, Officer Hobbie, Will Du and… having wandered in from nearby programming for a bit of action… Jake Long, Ben10, six random GIJoes and Bullwinkle.

16

"Ach, get ti fuk yi baw bag!" Duff Killigan swore in anger as the ball he'd just sliced headed for the rough… and then the golfer was in such aggravating pain that he blacked out from the agony.

Awakening in the hospital with an empty, aching pain in his nethers that he knew would never go away, he found himself wishing as he had never wished for anything before that he hadn't convinced Dr. Drakken to build him the perfect Caddy from one of the leftover Bebes, that he hadn't had it programmed for perfect and complete obedience and to understand not just his thick Scottish dialect but actual Scottish and Scottish slang, and most, most, most, most of all that he hadn't expressed his anger using the common swear term that literally meant "Go away you scrotom!"

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Ye Old Legal stuff: Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Rufus, Dr. Drakken, Wade Load, Mrs. Stoppable, Bonnie Rockwaller, Tara, Vinnie Wheeler, SUmo Ninja, Big Mike, Hego, Mego, the Wegos, the Middleton MadDogs football team and cheer squad, Mr. Barkin, Officer Hobbie, Will Du, Drs. Anne and James Possible, Duff Killigan, the Bebes and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…