A/N: Ummm... Some Neff for you. This is the first fanfic I've ever written in 1st person. Written from Jeff's POV. Enjoy :)

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I'm not gay. I've alway's been attracted to girls, always. It's just him. Just the one guy that changed how I see myself.

I'm not into labels. I don't know what I am. Bi, maybe. I don't really care.

When you're in love with your best friend, everything changes. Suddenly every innocent touch feels like something more. Every accidental brush of hands, touch of shoulders when you walk together. Everything that he says, you think about very, very carefully, because maybe, just maybe, there's a hidden meaning there. He's sworn he's straight, on many occasions. When Wes was saying that his outfit was "Gayer than Blaine's." Or when David made an innuendo out of an innocent sentance. But then, I've sworn I'm straight too. Maybe even more times than Nick. Because I have to more often. Because the things I say usually do have a hidden meaning.

I'm not good with feelings. Expressing them, I mean. Oh, sure, I can write everything down. But when it comes to speaking, I'm at loss. The words trip over themselves, and I give up trying to express myself. I get all embarrassed, and turn red. Start stammering. Until Nick saves me by changing the subject. That's the thing. We're best friends, Nick and I. I can't just go up to him and declare my undying love for him. Not after all these times that I've sworn I'm straight as a ruler, or scoffed at Kurt's suggestion that we really should go out. It's just not something that's done.

It'd be so awkward, so humiliating when he turned me down. He'd be so apologetic, but he'd explain clearly but kindly that he just wasn't into guys. And that he saw me as a best friend. And that's all. It doesn't sound too bad, written down like that. But then he'd know. Anything I did, he'd be looking for a hidden meaning. He would be uncomftable with touching me. Suddenly, me taking him by the hand to pull him to class on time wouldn't be so innocent. Especially when I just couldn't bring myself to let go of his hand first.

Anything I did would be read into. Nick would be worried that I was hitting on him all the time. He's not homophobic - the opposite, in fact. He's one of the most open minded and accepting people I know. He wouldn't stop being friends with me because I was gay. But he wouldn't be comftorble around me. He wouldn't chat to me in the locker rooms, dispite neither of us wearing shirts, like he does now. He wouldn't grab my hand if he was scared, like he did when Thad persuaded us to watch a horror movie one night. He wouldn't hug me goodbye when we parted to go to our own separate rooms like he does every night.

We're not overly touchy-feely. Not like some of the girls at Crawford, who walk around everywhere, hands or arms linked. But we do hug, unlike most teenage boys. But that's normal, for really good friends, right? For best friends?

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So. I have my feelings out of the way.

I'm not usually one to write a diary. I don't want a diary. But I needed to get all of that out somehow. Apparantly, you shouldn't keep feelings all bottled up. You should let them free. So here I am, letting them free.

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Took my love and I took it down,

I climbed a mountain and I turned around,

And I saw my reflection, in the snow covered hills,

'Till the Landslide brought me down,

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love,

Can the child within my heart, rise above,

Can I sail through the changing, ocean tides,

Can I handle the seasons, of my life,

Well, I've been afraid of changing,

Cause I built my life around you,

But time makes you bolder,

Children get older,

And I'm getting older, too.

So, take this love and take it down.

If you climb a mountain and you turn around,

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,

Well maybe, a Landslide will bring you down

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Why does the radio have to be so mean to me? Of all the songs that could have come on. Landslide. It's not even recent. But... It's one of those songs that just describes how you feel. Like, exactly.

Well, I've been afraid of changing,

Cause I built my life around you,

Stevie Nicks, get out of my head.

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"Hey, Jeff!" Nick ran down the hallway grinning, doing a little jump to land at my side. I couldn't help but grin a little at how eager he was to see me.

"'Sup, Nick?" I replied, not bothering to bite back my grin any more, as he went to start our private handshake. Handshakes are kinda Nick's thing. He has one with pretty much everyone, but ours is the best. It's sort of a fist bump, and then a double clap, and then- I dunno. Something complicated. Well, it's the bestest.

"Dude? You spaced out there."

"Oh, yeah, I..."

"Come on, Warbler rehersal." Nick always knows when to change the subject. But then he grabbed my hand, pulling me down the hall, and I couldn't stop the butterflies dancing in my stomach at the touch. It's one of those feelings, where you're suddenly nervous but you don't know why, because you've done this a thousand times before, but it feels so nice still, and then you're wondering what he's feeling - does he get butterflies when he touches me? I doubt it. But all too soon, we're outside the room used for rehersal, and he's dropped my hand. I sighed inwardly at the loss of contact.

"Nick! Jeff! You're late, again." Wes followed us in with his eyes, watching us take a seat on the couch. He suddenly broke into a smile.

"You two should go out." He winked at us both, smirking at our discomfort. I threw a book at his head, which, unfortuantley, narrowly missed. He hit his gavel on the table.

"I was joking, boys. You joke enough about me and David..." Wes pointed out. David gave us an awkward smile.

"It's true," Blaine agreed, "You joke about me and Kurt all the time."

"That's because you could cut the sexual tension between you two with a knife!" I almost shouted, noticing only as I finished that Nick had been saying the same thing. Kurt just smirked.

"We could also cut the sexual tension between you two with a knife."

Wes banged his gavel hard on the table (Oh whoops. That sounded wrong.)

"Shut up. You all have sexual tension, or whatever it is you're fighting about. Now, Blaine. You had a song for us?"

I rolled my eyes, noticing Nick do the same thing next to me. Of course Blaine had a song for us.

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A/N: I don't even know what to think about this. It's not what I'd usually write... I do write Neff, but I'm not very good at expressing other people's emotions. So, what did you think? Should I continue? Review! :) xx