Main Pairing: Rochu (Ivan x Yao) | Genre: Humour, Romance | Rating: PG
Synopsis: Yao mistakes Ivan in a panda suit for a talking panda that's possessed by a deity. He asks the 'Great Deity' for advice on how to kick the foreign devils out of his land and gets some very strange answers indeed.
Meant to be a continuation from "Childhood Ambition", but can be read as a standalone story.
Disclaimer: The following story is a derivative work of APH and shares no relation to actual countries, political ideologies, history or events. Characters are copyright to Hidekaz Himaruya, but the storyline and writing are copyright to me. You may share the link to my blog or blog post, but you may not repost my writings without my permission.
Chapter 2: The Great Deity's Predictions
Ivan sat at a stone table in Yao's garden while his host bustled off to make tea. It was the first time in ages since he entered his garden. Yao's house had recently become out of bounds to Panda-san for fear that the 'nasty Opium' would experiment his fatal cooking on him.
He noted with a twinge of sadness that Yao's garden was no longer as grand and beautiful as it once was. Some sculptures were chipped, while others visibly broken, their ruins left in a pile, as though its owner had not the heart to clear them away. Weeds grew over the peony bushes. The goldfish pond was murky, littered with brown leaves and void of signs of life.
"Here's the tea aru!" Yao set down a tray of tea apparatus in front of Ivan. "Sorry, it took me awhile to find my best Tie Guan Yin tea leaves."
Ivan watched gloomily as Yao sprinkled tea leaves into the cups. He was thirsty, but he would not be able to drink without removing the panda head.
"Thank you, but I am not able to drink," Ivan said.
Yao nearly dropped his tea leaves.
"Oh but of course! You're a deity and you have no need for food and drink. Excuse my impudence aru." He quickly returned the tea leaves to their tin.
"You can drink though," Ivan said when Yao pushed the tray aside.
"Oh no, that would be rude of me. I can't do something as crass as eating and drinking in your divine presence."
Yao made a little bow and stood reverently beside Ivan, arms behind his back. His rare display of extreme modesty made Ivan feel a little guilty for lying to him. Then again, Yao seemed so thrilled about meeting a deity that Ivan thought it would be even more criminal to dash his hopes with the truth.
"Umm… Great Deity," Yao said nervously.
"Da? I mean, yes?"
"You said you had words of wisdom for me. Does it concern the infiltration of the foreign devils aru? Do you know how I can win them in battles?"
Ivan had never been much of a military planner. His idea of a battle plan was simply to swing his waterpipe around and intimidate everyone into bending to his will. It never worked on Yao though, who looked so cute that he could never bear to hit him. He was thankful that he had just recently sat in at his military advisor's meeting about attacking China. It was fairly boring and he dozed off after realizing that none of the military tactics were actually about becoming one with Yao. Nevertheless, he did remember one quote from a speaker.
"Do you know the saying 'Victory is assured if you know yourself and your enemy?'" Ivan asked sagely.
"Of course. It is a basic principal that has been practised by all my military men," Yao nodded, dashing Ivan's hope for it to be an adequate answer. "But I must admit that we are having difficulties understanding those foreign devils. They are so different from us. Even their weapons and strategies are difficult to comprehend aru. Will you tell me what I should do to chase them out of my land?"
Ivan did not know either. He cleared his throat sombrely. "I cannot tell you outright how to win a war, for by doing so, I would be revealing heavenly secrets, and that, as you should be well aware, is against the will of Heaven."
Yao sighed. "I thought you would say that, Great Deity."
Deeply relieved that Yao had not demanded that he show off his heavenly powers, Ivan secretly commended himself for his deep understanding of the Chinese nation. The time and effort he had spent on stalking Yao had not gone to waste.
"Don't be discouraged, Wang Yao. On account of your faith, I will teach you how to become stronger."
"Thank you!" Yao clasped his hands together and bowed. "I'm listening aru!"
Willing himself not to let out a victorious chuckle, Ivan said, "To understand your enemy, you must become friends with them."
"What? Make friends with the barbarians? That's disgusting!" Yao wrinkled his nose.
The 'deity' inclined his head at him, and Yao immediately looked down shamefacedly.
"Sorry for interrupting you, but the thought of being so close to those Westerners…"
"You don't have to be friends with all of them…"
"I don't want to be friends with any of them aru," Yao cut in.
Desperate to get his point across, Ivan hurriedly explained, "What I meant was that you should understand their advantages and adopt some of them yourself. They are superior to you in technology and worldly exposure. There's no denying that."
Grudgingly, Yao nodded. "But how am I to do that? Those devils will now only cooperate with me if I give them more land. I can't possibly go up to them and ask them to impart their expertise to me aru!"
"Russia will gladly teach you!" Ivan said enthusiastically.
"And probably ask for more land in return. I'm not approaching him aru!"
"But Russia is your friend. He just wants to help you to protect your land until you have regained sufficient strength to govern it," Ivan said.
"As if!" Yao scoffed. "That's what they all say! Opium is taking my brother away for a hundred years and who knows if he won't extend it. I can't afford to lose any more of my land and my people for such a long time aru! I'd go crazy wondering if I'd ever get them back!"
"That's why you and your people should go and live with Russia. Then you will not have to worry about not seeing your people and land for a long time," Ivan interjected.
"So I'm supposed to become One with Russia like what that jerk wants? That's ridiculous aru!" Yao's voice shot up a notch as he drummed his fingers on the stone table furiously.
"Are you calling me ridiculous?" Ivan raised his voice. Yao's fingers promptly froze in place.
"No, but, you say very strange things. My people and I would sooner die than submit to the barbarians aru," Yao said emphatically.
"Russia doesn't want to take away what belongs to you. He just wants your friendship that you have so unfairly deprived him of," Ivan explained.
"How have I unfairly deprived him of my friendship aru? I have been trading with him and establishing diplomacy with him! He was the one who betrayed my kindness and stabbed me in the back when I'm down!"
"Your boss regarded him as a barbarian and wanted him to revere you as a superior power," Ivan replied bitterly.
"Well, that's not unreasonable aru. I am after all a much older and more civilized nation than all those barbarians. If they had morals, they should respect me as an elder, instead of gang up against me and take advantage of me," Yao huffed.
"But Russia does not want to be inferior to you. He has gone to great lengths to expand his land and establish his superiority. His border now lies alongside yours. He wants to be your friend and lover!" Ivan cried agitatedly.
"Aiya!" A crimson blush crept up Yao's cheeks. "But I don't want to be his lover aru! He's just a child to me! I still remember how small his hand was in mine when he was a cute little boy aru."
"But Russia is no longer a child. He's so big now that his hand envelopes yours," Ivan reminded him.
"Aiya, I'd rather he was still that adorable little boy that I rescued from Batukhan. Now, he just scares me with his intimidating waterpipe and his scary chuckle!" Yao felt his hairs stand at the mere thought of the scary Russian kol'ing at him.
"He is the same boy who swore to marry you when he grew up. Now he's simply trying to execute his promise in spite of all the barriers you and your boss have laid out for him. How is that wrong?" Ivan asked indignantly.
"Aiyaaa~" Yao wrung his hands. "But I never promised him anything! I mean, he was just a child. How could I possibly discuss something as serious as marriage with him at that point of time?"
"But…"
"Hold on!" Yao raised a hand in objection. "Why are we discussing about such trivials in the face of more vital issues like saving my people from the barbarians? How do you even know so much about my past interactions with him?"
Ivan was stumped for a moment, before he replied quick-wittedly, "I'm a deity. Of course I know everything."
"Oh right," Yao nodded. Then he looked suspiciously at the 'deity' again. "But what has this got to do with saving my land and my people?"
Ivan shrugged. "Don't you know that it's sinful to lie to a child? Maybe the heavens are punishing you for it."
"What? But that incident took place so long ago!" Yao protested.
"That doesn't mean that you can shirk responsibility," Ivan insisted.
"I'm not trying to shirk responsibility," Yao crossed his arms moodily. "But, he's just a brat to me. Isn't there any other way I can make it up to him?
"Well, you can give him some of your land," Ivan grumbled, feeling insulted that Yao had just called him a brat.
"That's exactly what I was fretting about aru! I don't want to part with my land and my people!" Yao flapped his arms impatiently.
"Then you and your people can go and live with him."
"Doesn't that come back to the same? We're speaking in circles aru! Do you actually have a viable solution for me?" Yao ran his fingers through his ponytail irritably, all politeness forgotten.
"Actually, since I have already divulged so much, I might as well go all the way and reveal your future," Ivan said.
"Oh would you really? Please tell me aru!" Yao's face shone with renewed hope as he clapped his hands together eagerly.
After a few moments of intense silence during which Yao refused to take his eyes off Panda-san's beady eyes, Ivan declared dramatically, "It has been written in the stars that your future lies with Russia."
The excitement in Yao's eyes gave way to anxiety as his eyes grew wide with disbelief.
"You're lying!" Yao stepped backward in horror.
"It's true! Sooner or later, everyone will become one with Russia. You might as well shorten your suffering and move in with him now! Kolkolkolkol~"
Yao shook his head frantically. "I don't believe you! You must be some half-baked deity or a devil summoned to torment me. I won't accept my fate! I won't aru!"
Freaked out by the idea of becoming one with Russia, Yao swept his arms across the stone table, bringing down the tray of tea apparatus with a loud clatter.
"Here is what I think of becoming one with Russia aru!" Yao proceeded to take his anger out on the surrounding rocks, stomping on them until they turned into smithereens.
"Yao! Calm down!" Ivan threw his arms around the berserk Chinese nation, pressing his furry arms against the small of Yao's back to restrict his movement.
"Get out of my Panda-san, you devil!" Yao flung his arms at Panda-san's face. As the panda head flew off, Ivan felt his face cooled by a sudden rush of air, while Yao's face appeared clearer and brighter in his vision. He saw the mortified nation open and close his mouth like a goldfish, but no words came out.
"Hello~ Yao~" Ivan planted a wet kiss on Yao's forehead, causing the latter to snap out of his disbelief.
"Aiya! Ivan Braginski!" Yao shrieked as he attempted to smack Ivan in the face, but Ivan was too quick for him. Yao found his arms clamped to his sides by two furry arms. He spent the next few minutes lashing out at Ivan with every swear word he knew in a variety of languages and dialects. But all he got in return for an eminent sore throat was Ivan's smiling face.
"Stop smiling, you despicable cheat! Do you think it was funny to humiliate me?" Yao glared furiously at Ivan, his nostrils flared.
"But Yao~ I didn't lie to you on purpose~ You looked so happy when you mistook me for a deity that I didn't want to dash your hopes~" Ivan looked at him out of doleful, childlike violet eyes that made Yao's heart melt a little.
"Besides, I wasn't lying when I said you'd become one with me~ I intend to make it happen, by hook or by crook~ Kolkolkolkol~" Ivan chuckled eerily, causing a chill down Yao's spine.
"Why me?" Yao wailed. "This is impossible! I'd never promise marriage to a child. You must have been mistaken aru!"
"You didn't say you would marry me, but you said you'd think about it. How are you going to think about it when you won't even let me try to win your affection da?" Ivan tightened his embrace around Yao and gazed at him with a hurt look. Yao had to turn away to avoid being blackmailed into guilt by those adorable round eyes. While Ivan had become much bigger and taller, his face was every bit as adorable and child-like as it was when he was a boy.
"Aiya! I'm up to my eyes trying to deal with you Western devils aru! I don't have time for romance!"
"Then let me shoulder your burden da! I'll protect your land for you!" Ivan cried.
"Don't think I don't know your motive for suggesting that. You'll end up claiming it as yours in the end. I will protect my land myself," Yao seethed. "Now get lost! You've already wasted an entire afternoon of my precious time. Get lost before I get violent!"
Having seen what Yao had done to a rock despite wearing only cloth shoes, Ivan had no doubts that Yao could be dangerous when angered. Since Yao was so biased to him, he supposed nothing he said would pacify Yao until he got him to change his mindset. Nevertheless, Ivan had one more trump card.
"Hmm… but can you protect Panda-san? Kolkolkolkol~" A baleful grin appeared on Ivan's face.
"What… what do you mean?" Yao stammered. It suddenly dawned on him that he had not seen the real Panda-san since morning.
"Don't worry~ He's rolling around in snow in my backyard~ But the weather has been unusually cold, so I don't know how much longer he can last outdoors~"
Yao's eyes widened with shock. He began to writhe in Ivan's arms.
"Let me go! You can't do this!" Yao cried as anxious tears trickled out from his eyes. "Panda-san is my only friend aru!"
"Aww don't cry!" Ivan gazed at Yao with concern, startled to see him in tears. Rubbing Yao's back soothingly, he explained, "I left my backdoor open. Panda-san will go indoors when he feels cold. Don't worry about him~"
"Are you sure?" Yao sniffed.
"Of course, Panda-san is my friend as much as he's yours. I wouldn't hurt him," Ivan assured him.
"I want Panda-san," Yao insisted.
"All right, I'll release Panda-san, don't cry all right?" Ivan said gently as he continued stroking his back. Teehee~ So there were times when Yao was vulnerable and child-like too.
Yao nodded fiercely. "Bring him to me now aru!"
"Sure," Ivan's lips curved into a cunning smile, "but… not before you give me a kiss~"
"What!" Yao gasped as his eyes began to water again.
"Just a quick one will do," Ivan hastily clarified.
"Never! How dare you exploit my friendship with Panda-san! I'll never kiss someone like you!" Yao shook his head furiously.
"I suddenly can't remember whether I left my backdoor unlocked," Ivan quipped, causing Yao to panic again. Ivan had never killed anyone, at least, none he knew of, but he was brutal with his water pipe and had caused grievous hurt to his servants and enemies. Deciding that Panda-san's life was far more important than a little dignity, Yao caved in and snapped, "Oh all right, you irritant! Bend down a little!"
A delighted Ivan bent his knees slightly and closed his eyes. He felt butterflies in his stomach as soft, velvety lips graced the tip of his nose. Just as soon as he felt them, they were gone, like a dragonfly that landed on water and took off almost immediately. But Ivan knew that this fleeting feeling would not leave his heart for a long time. It was after all, the first time Yao had kissed him.
He opened his eyes and gazed at Yao's beetroot red face with great pleasure.
"Your lips are so soft~ One of these days, I'm going to taste them myself~ I'm sure they must be as sweet as you look," Ivan licked his lips lustily.
Yao made to retort, but his concern for Panda-san's safety was paramount to giving Ivan a piece of his mind.
"Shut your filthy mouth and bring Panda-san back to me aru!" Yao pounded Ivan's chest with his fists.
"Nah~ I've only locked him in your backyard. You can go get him anytime."
Ivan watched in trepidation as the look of enlightenment on Yao's face turned to fury. He released his arms and beat a hasty retreat.
"Panda-san hasn't eaten since morning. Please go and feed him~ And just so you know, Panda-san is not your only friend. Feel free to drop by if you want my help~" Ivan yelled as he walked away as fast as he could, avoiding sticks of bamboo aimed viciously at him. Happily, Yao was shaking so much with anger that his aiming was inaccurate. Most of the bamboo shoots simply bounced off Ivan's hard costume with dull thuds.
"You despicable cheat! If I ever ask you for help, I'll change my surname to Braginski aru!"
"I'll wait for that day with glee. Kolkolkolkol~"
The End.