Hello again! Yes, this story isn't dead. It just…took a little longer than expected. (Oh, fickle comedic muse…how thou dost elude me in my hour of need…)

I sincerely hope you enjoy, despite the fact that I get the feeling that this is careening downhill at a rate of knots. Oh well. Have fun, anyway!

Betty Quinlan laughed maniacally as her machinery slowly lowered Cindy Vortex towards a pool of boiling lava. Tears streamed down Cindy's face as she felt the heat singe the end of her ponytail.

The blonde thrashed helplessly in her too-tight bindings like a fish on a hook. "Betty! Wait! You don't have to do this!" she croaked desperately. "Stop! Please!"

Betty chuckled softly, more than a hint of insanity in her voice. "No. I'm sorry, Cynthia, but I can't stop. I have to do this. And do you know why, my dear?" She leaned forward, lowering her voice menacingly. "My beloved, Jimmy. He's why."

Her face contorted uglily (like i totally dont care if thats not a word, betty's a biatch and like totally deserves a totally bitchin new word in honor of her suckitudalness!) (omfg thats a new word too im so awesome today :DDDDDdDDDDDDDDDDFDDASDDDdDD)

(...where was i?)

(what? was there something actually going on in the story before my brackety minions and i interrupted the flow with our inane comments?)

(there was?)

(FINE, SORR-RRYY. START THE DAMN SENTENCE OVER THEN IF YOU'RE THAT FUSSED)

(GOD)

(JEEEESUS)

(KRISHNA)

(VISHNU)

(FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!)

(YOU'RE ALL JUST FLAMERS AND I HATE YOU) (but still plz plz plz R&R, guys!1!eleven! luv u long time!) (also guess what? i failed kindergarten grade english toda-)...

...

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

The irritatingly awful, note-abusing, flow-destroying author of this piece has been quietly assassinated. Do feel free to applaud/cheer loudly at your screen/organize a parade in celebration. You will now be returned to regular programming.

*SMILEY FACE!*

...Betty's face contorted uglily in emotional agony, like an overwrought prima-donna actress on the eve of her final show before her forcible retirement, squeezing every last drop of feeling out of her overused features, much like this stupidly long simile, and...huh? What's going on? Where am I? ...Oh, oh, right. There was a story among the descriptions here, wasn't there?

...I'm sure it was there, SOMEWHERE.

(I know what you're thinking. "Oh, God, not ANOTHER interruption. THIS HAS TO STOP. I give up! This isn't funny anymore!" Don't give up! I'm sure we can get to the end – together - if we believe in the power of friendship! Or something like that… Look, just ignore me. You don't need me.

I SAID, IGNORE ME. )

"He rejected me." Extremely-OOC!Betty continued. "Me! Betty Quinlan! The hottest, nicest, kindest, awesomest, smexiest girl in Retroville!"

Betty's eyes focused suddenly on Cindy's terrified face. They seemed to flash red in the dark...although that could just have been the reflection of the molten rock below them. "He rejected me...for you. YOU! You don't even like him like I do! I've danced on a table with him, for God's sake! I was his assistant in a magic show! What have YOU done? Lived on a desert island with him? Been on a date with him in his lab? Been on intergalactic, interdimensional adventures with him? FUH, I say, and FUH again!"

Cindy paused her thrashing for a second to shoot Betty a confused glance. "Hey...how'd you know about the island?"

Betty shrugged, her black cape (of PUURE EEEEVIL) flapping behind her in an amazing indoor breeze that had suddenly sprung up. Mysteriously. "That obsessive kid with the triangle-y head told me. Well, actually, he told everyone in the school, but I was there when he stood on a table at lunch and yelled it."

Cindy's eyes narrowed. "I'm going to KILL Ultra-Dweeb..." she hissed.

"That is, if you ever escape. Which I doubt." said Betty evilly, squashing a barrel of kittens with an oversized hammer as she spoke.

"...where did you even get a barrel of kittens from, anyway?"

"Oh, they have a store for this sort of stuff. It's called Attila's Baby Animal Supplies, I think." Betty absent-mindedly yanked on a lever next to her, temporarily halting Cindy's descent to her flaming doom. (DOOM I TELL YOU MUAHAHAHAHA and so on and so forth.) "Calamitious gave me the address a while back, at the League Of Evil's bowling night...Um, you know Seventh Street? Off Main?"

"Yeah?"

"It's down there. Over the road from Mime World."

Cindy nodded in comprehension. "Oh, I know where you mean. Gotta love Mime World."

Betty smiled. (Evilly, of course.) "Attila's sells chinchillas too, but I find kittens are much more satisfying to smush."

The warehouse's rusted door swung open with a resounding BANG - disrupting the strange, relatively quiet conversation between EEEEVIL!Betty and !Cindy – and both girls swung around in surprise to watch the new arrivals enter. A strangely familiar-looking blonde girl backed in from the night, laboriously dragging another familiar-looking trussed-up girl behind her. The blonde was ranting at her prisoner, and cackling madly to herself. The rant went something along the lines of "…and your stupid perfectly perfect face will be totally burned off! BURNED, I SAY! AHAHAHAHAA! And the Jimmy will love me, and we will be happy, and we'll have lots of wonderfully beautiful genius children together, and you will be dead, and it's no more than you deserve, because-" The blonde turned around, and her eye-liner lined eyes widened in surprise as she broke off mid-rant. She pointed dramatically at Evil!Betty, who couldn't have looked more shocked if a Jamaican/Canadian kissogram lobster circus had showed up instead. (Just as a random, totally coincidental example.)

"YOU!" yelled the blonde. "But…but I kidnapped you! Th-that…that's you! There! Right there!" She switched her pointing to her captive, voice getting shriller and shriller with each word. "How is there two of you? And, more to the point," her voice grew stronger at this point– " -I booked this death-trap for tonight!" The ponytailed girl shook her fist at Evil!Betty.

Evil!Betty grinned, exposing a pair of meticulously sharpened incisors, and leapt gracefully down from her ledge, black cape OF EEEVIL floating behind her. "I don't know who you are, or why you're threatening me, but I believe you'll find that I'm using this death trap tonight. I needed to get rid of someone."

"Yeah, well, so do I! You think I drag people round like this for fun?" Evil!Cindy looked at her now-struggling captive distastefully and paused. "Well, okay, I do…but the point still stands!"

Cindy hung from her bindings, dumbfounded, watching her evil self threatening the now slightly vampiric evil Betty with a severe facial pounding. She shook her head, and muttered to herself, "This has got to be, singlehandedly, the dumbest thing that has ever happened to me. Period."

Just as the evil battle royale below was beginning to get warmed up, a third door slammed open, and a third, nasally voice was added to the cacophony echoing off the warehouse's high roof. A boy backed in, dragging a struggling prisoner behind him. Like Evil!Cindy, he too was ranting maniacally at his captive audience. (Badoom tish. Geddit? Cause he's all tied up, so he's captive, and...no?)

The warehouse suddenly fell silent as the identity of the newcomer dawned on the four girls. Despite the (badly-dyed) black hair, the (badly-dyed) black clothes and the (badly-dyed) black eyes – no, I don't know how he did that either – the boy's puppy fat and style of speech were unmistakeable. (The clearly labelled inhaler sticking out of the pocket of his (badly-dyed) black skinny jeans didn't hurt, either.)

The boy's nasally voice echoed throughout the warehouse, intimidating in its unintimidatingness. "…and that is what you'll get for insulting Carlito! Carlito is more than a llama – he is my brother! I love him! And guess what, Shine – ULTRALORD IS A DOLL. Once you're gone I will draw little lipstick smiley faces on your whole collection – INCLUDING THE MINT, LIMITED-EDITION, NEVER-RELEASED-OUTSIDE-OF-JAPAN GRANDPA ULTRALORD! MUAHAHAHAHAAA-"

Evil!Carl turned around to see all four girls staring at him with varying levels of disbelief, from Good!Betty's 'mildly shocked' to Evil!Cindy's 'if my mouth was any wider I could eat my own head' expression. He shrugged unapologetically. "What? I don't get a chance to be evil for a change?"

The answer came as one: "NO!"

I'm sorry. I think this is devolving from "well-thought-out parody" to "marginally-on-drugs randomness vaguely related to the JN universe".

Oh well.

There once was a girl (sans tattoos)

Whose story got quite a few views

So she wrote up a poem

And hoped that would show 'em

How much she enjoyed their reviews.

Srsly gaise. I wrote a poem for you. (And I can't write poetry for crap.) That is how much I appreciate it, despite my absence.

If you enjoyed (the story, not the limerick. The limerick was a bad idea), please humor me and review. Even if it's filled with (hopefully constructive) criticism about how I am extremely not-funny and should stop kidding myself. EVEN THEN.

I am that much of an addict. It is sad.

Anyway… I do actually have the next chapter planned (for once) so hopefully it'll be up reasonably soon. No promises, though.

Until chapter next - tally-ho! *rides off into sunset after extremely long author's note*