Title: "Big Bad L"

Author: Sashocirrione

Spoilers: Spoilers for the entire manga series and the entire anime series and for the "How to Read" canon supplement.

Warnings: NO UNDERAGE READERS. Rated M for a reason. Sexual activities. Suicide and violence. Sexual harassment and dubious consent. Religious themes. Rough sex. References to cannibalism.

Summary: Misa is delivering something important when she runs into wolf!L in the woods. Based on Little Red Riding Hood.

Pairing: LxMisa and also a minor LightxMisa

Additional Notes: All canon events have happened as normal, and this fanfic is set post-canon. This is one of those really bizarre AUs that seems to be very much against canon, but is technically canon-compliant because of a weird loophole in the fanfic itself.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.

CHAPTER 1: Before Processing

She flung herself from the roof and there was nothing, nothing to hold on to any longer and her fingers clawed instinctively and the wind screamed around her and a wave of regret moved through her. The ground speeded up, barreling upward, frightening, unavoidable, and it rammed into her with the speed of a train and the worst pain imaginable, her splintered ribcage stabbing through her stomach and slivers of broken teeth driven deep into her throat; blood, agony, flatness, blood, agony, flatness...

And then there was nothing whatsoever.

There was, after an eternity, a solid but gently rocking floor under her feet, a floor that she was standing on, and there were the lapping sounds of water, and an inky darkness only lit by the dimmest of light, from every direction and yet none.

Misa turned and looked up to see a very tall figure, tall enough to be a shinigami, entirely enclosed in a black robe, its head hidden by a long, drooping hood, its hands deep within voluminous sleeves as it dipped a long pole into the water over and over, driving the boat forward.

No shore was visible, only the black water, a slight current moving from nowhere to nowhere.

Misa tried to move and found that her legs and arms were paralyzed. She could only move her head and neck and twist her torso slightly.

To the figure, she said, "Ryuk told us that there was nothing after death. The afterlives of all those religions, they're just lies or mistakes."

It said, in a voice neither male nor female, "That is true. There is nothing after death."

"This isn't nothing! There's water here, there's a boat. You're obviously taking me somewhere. It looks like a Greek drama, to be honest."

"You made an assumption," it said, "and your assumption is wrong. Now is not after your death. Here it is not after or before any event. It is a place outside of time."

Misa said, "The afterlife is outside of time? That's cool. I'll meet Light, then. We must end up going to the same place. We both did the same things."

"There is no afterlife, Misa Amane. There is only reincarnation. Your soul will be processed and then will re-enter the stream of time as a new life in a new body, with no memories."

"Where's Light? Send me to him. If there's any sort of bargain I can make, anything I can do-"

"Light Yagami was processed ages ago, and yet Light Yagami has never been processed. This place is before his first birth and after his last death."

Misa's eyes stung, but she couldn't rub them. She said, "Whatever it takes! Light has to be reincarnated somewhere. Put me there. I remember... I remember L was the smartest detective in the world and he said Light deserved me, and I deserved Light. We must belong together."

The pole paused and the boat stopped moving.

"We are here," the figure said.

There was no difference in anything, the surroundings unchanged. Misa's panic was rising in her throat.

She said, "Take whatever you want to pay for my request!"

It reached out to her with long, bony, withered hands, grasping her paralyzed body and easily hoisting her high overhead.

The thing said, "It does not matter what you want. It does not matter what you deserve. The game is played by other rules. Your choices will determine your status, but you will make those choices with no knowledge of the possible consequences. Now, enter and forget."

Her body arced through the air, and for a moment she had the horror of her suicide jump clutching at her from deep within her stomach, but then she hit the black, cold water, sinking. Wetness overwhelmed her. She opened her mouth, and water filled it. She was under, and she didn't know anything.