Chapter 13 – Entitlement

The overwhelming sweet stench of sweat wafted over the Commander's bed. Lying with her bosom planted against her pillow, Shepard's curvy hips were completely bare to the brisk air of her quarters. A sense of accomplishment glowed in her gleaming smile from dominating her subordinate repeatedly over the past few hours. Her hungry eyes stared at him aimlessly, wondering when the next round would commence.

The Lieutenant basked in the glory of his defeat. Curling his leg around the last remaining sheet on the bed, his right arm slithered underneath his pillow to prop his head up to the same level as his victor. He may have lost the battle of endurance against his commanding officer but it was worth every exhausting minute. As he was quietly recuperating his strength, he gazed over his surroundings… the school of Thessian Sunfish scouring the surface of the fish tank for food, the array of empty bottles littering the room from their repeated attempts of outdrinking each other, and the orange lights on the bedside table's clock flashing today's date.

Once he noticed the date, his heart plummeted. He tried to hide his emotional attachment by surveying the delicate flesh resting beside him. Hoping that one look at her contagious smile would rid the pain slowly brewing within. But when his eyes met hers, his pupils couldn't disguise the suffering dwelling within.

Nevada immediately caught onto her partner's despair and the glow quickly dissipated. She shifted upright and repositioned her legs to bend by her side. Holding the pillow against her chest, she rested her chin against the rim. "What's wrong, James?" she asked with concern bellowing in her voice,

"It's nothing," he looked away, trying to hide behind a fake grin.

"It's apparent you have something on your mind. Why don't you tell me what is troubling you?"

"Am I really that obvious?"

Shepard reached out, placing the back of her hand gently against the warmth of his cheek. Tracing the outline of his prominent jaw line with her thumb, she pointed, "You are to me."

Vega pulled away from her comforting hand and leaned up against the backboard of the bed. Running his hand through his messed up Mohawk, he attempted to explain, "It's the date… I saw what day it was and I couldn't help it."

"What is so special about today?"

"Today marks the anniversary of what happened on Fehl Prime," the tone in his voice deepened as his heart recalled the screams of the lost, "The day where I decided the fate of thousands."

"Oh…" she sunk into the comforts of her pillow, "I'm sorry."

Her words bounced right off. No apology could save her Lieutenant from the battlefield fighting within his mind. The vacant glare in his eyes made it apparent that he was lost in the painful memories replaying like a broken record. No matter how many times the images summarized the events, the ending remained the same. Shepard wanted to say something insightful but everything would be drowned out. She knew the emotions he was fighting all too well… having dealt with her own. All she could do was await his return from his trip down memory lane.

Quietly sitting with her pillow still clenched against her chest, the Commander watched as her Lieutenant fought to reclaim his sanity. The silence made each minute pass by slower than the last. As every minute ticked by on her bedside clock, the worse Vega's facial expressions became. Each emotion stewing and mixing with the next, combining the perfect storm of agitated nerves and distressed feelings. Everything he bottled within, all the burdens he held back, were making their agonizing appearance.

"It's my fault!" the troubled marine cried out. He shook his head in protest, the tears welling up in his eyes, "I should have saved them! If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently and they could all be alive."

Nevada knew his pain firsthand. She took a deep breathe and explained, "That's the thing, James. Everything is easier to think about when it's hindsight. There are so many things I would go back and do differently… but nothing can change what has already happened. The damage is done and we have to live with the consequences."

"You definitely know how to cheer someone up, Lola," he scowled.

"I won't sugar coat anything, war is ugly… lives will be lost… sacrifices will be made… and we will deal with the emotional burden left in its wake."

"I know… but it's not easy."

"Oh course it isn't. No matter how prepared we think we are we won't know what we signed up for until we are face to face with it. There is no easy way to deal with those kinds of situations, take it from me."

The Lieutenant took a deep breathe, soaking in everything his commanding officer shared. Hoping he could get some insight on how to overcome this internal struggle, he asked, "How did you deal with the destruction of the Alpha Relay?"

"The only way I could… locked away in my quarters and drinking myself to sleep every night until my incarceration," she recalled, her disillusioned stare gazing at the stitches in her bed sheets, "The sacrifices become greater the higher up the ranks you become. You may have sacrificed a few thousand for your data but I cut off a whole system just to buy us some time from the Reapers. There were 304,942 lives on Aratoht… that number will continue to haunt me. That's not including all the lives from the neighboring planets in that system and the people aboard that asteroid. I couldn't save any of them…"

"It's a lot to think about isn't it?

"Yeah… it is. One thing I learned is having someone to talk to really helps relieve all the emotions stacking inside, especially someone who has dealt through the same turmoil. I knew from the moment I met you that you went through a similar ordeal, maybe not as great as mine but still emotionally draining. Every time you visited my cell at Alliance Headquarters, you listened to me babble on and on about my assignments. You may have considered it as an opportunity to learn from the best but you were actually helping me grieve."

James turned his head to face his partner. No matter how devastating her missions were she bravely survived through them… emotionally, physically, mentally. She was an inspiration to him when he first began serving and continued to be the light for his duty to this very moment. He knew it was something he needed to share, "Shepard, you were the soldier I fantasized about becoming, the hero I aimed to mature into. Your dedication, your strength, your courage… you have always been an inspiration to me. I wanted nothing more than to make the Alliance proud by living up to your expectations…"

"And then you realized that this all comes at a price."

"Yeah, I learned first hand about sacrifice."

"It's a heavy burden to carry alone," she looked into his deep eyes and smiled. Scooting closer, she took refuge against his side. James wrapped his arm around the weathered soldier and squeezed her body closer to his. She took his hand into hers and began tracing the outlines of his fingers. "We've seen the worst this world has to offer and we've dealt with the toughest decisions. That's one reason why we are perfect for each other."

"It's funny you mention that. Right before my mission on Fehl Prime, the guys on my squad used to poke fun at me for my obsession over you. One even joked that we would have made a cute couple… if you weren't dead and all."

"Then it's a good thing I'm no longer dead," she cupped his hand into a ball and brought it to rest over her beating heart, "Why don't you tell me more about your squad?"

"Well," he thought about it, concerned about the sensitive attachments that may surface. As Nevada snuggled deeper in the crevasse created by his arm, James gently brushed his chin against her soft hair. Breathing in her sweet scent, his nerves began calming down. Taking her advice into serious consideration, he concluded that talking about it may help him get past this. "There were seven of us in Delta Squad, including myself, and I know I told you all about Captain Toni…" he stopped, feeling reserved about continuing.

"Go on," she encouraged him.

"There was Mason… Flyboy as I used to call him. He was a talented shuttle pilot, nothing like Esteban though. He was constantly threatening to quit but I swear Kamille kept him going. She was a great soldier, her training spoke for itself. She definitely gave us a run for our money, even joked that the rest of us needed to grow a pair. Especially since Essex kept making passes at her… he was one hell of a biotic. He definitely put the Collectors through their paces. He was such a showoff. Even if it put us in jeopardy, he would take any opportunity to show his abilities. If I remember correctly, he was the one who mocked my devotion towards you… telling me I should worship him as my hero instead."

Shepard snorted, "Sounds like he was quite a character."

"That's putting it mildly. Who am I missing… shit, how could I forget Nicky? He was our tech guy. Not much of a soldier when under pressure but his technical specialties put him light years past us. He was great at tactical analysis and his combat drone always made a great distraction. Plus he looked up to me… had a lot of respect for me. Last but certainly not least, is Milque. Give him a Mantis and he could shoot a fly buzzing a thousand yards out. He may have been a cynical loco but he was dedicated. Anytime he saved our backs, we owed him a free drink. He was the only one from my squad to survive…"

"At least someone survived. Have you been in contact with him recently?"

"Not since we paid homage at the Memorial."

"Maybe you should take a moment today to talk to him."

Vega sighed, "Maybe I will… but he's going to laugh his ass off the moment I tell him that I'm on the Normandy."

Shepard was puzzled, "Why would he do that?"

"Because I'm serving under you… when Essex joked about my slavish devotion towards you, Milque burst out laughing and would snicker every time I put on my Remember the Normandy badge. He was starting to put my obsession at the same level as Essex's constant rejection from Kamille."

"Is that so?" the Commander had a smug grin crawl unto her lips, "Well, he can laugh all he wants but you have bragging rights. You nabbed yourself the best the Alliance has to offer, even after death. All thanks to Liara's ability to find my body, Cerberus's funding, and Miranda's dedication. Speaking of which, I still need to thank her."

"I do too," he smiled, using his free hand to guide Shepard's face towards him. He stared into her big brown eyes and felt the weight of the incident's anniversary melt away. She was right… sharing the stories of his squad helped alleviate the strain on his shoulders. He felt like he was able to bring them back to life, even if it was for a brief moment. As much as he despised Cerberus, he thanked his lucky stars that they had the funding to bring back the woman lying beside him. Tucking the stray strand of hair behind her ear, he confessed, "If it weren't for Miranda, I would be a very lonely man. Even Treeya couldn't heal this broken mess."

A bit of confusion trickled over the Commander's face. She raised her eyebrow, "Treeya? Was she also a part of Delta Squad?"

The Lieutenant's gaze widened. He rarely discussed his past with Nevada and whenever he did he neglected to mention the parts that contained the asari he saved from the Collectors. Knowing he needed to quickly elaborate, he explained, "She wasn't a part of my squad. She was an anthropologist studying the ruins near the colony on Fehl Prime. She was there when we faced the Collectors, when I lost my squadmates, and when we dealt with a Cerberus operative named Messner."

"Oh," her glare pierced right through him, "Why am I sensing there is something more? What kind of relationship did you have with Treeya?"

"Well, I was attracted to her. It took her some time to warm up to me. She thought the Alliance was meddling in her research and hated us grunts. It wasn't until the Collector attack that we started to bond. I saved her life multiple times during the attack… and when it came down to choosing to save her with the data Messner collected or the thousands of colonists aboard the Collector ship, I chose her. She hated my decision, didn't think she was worth the lives I sacrificed. She made that apparent when she joined me on my debriefing on the Citadel. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how I felt about choosing her… at least not until we visited the Memorial Wall on Fehl Prime."

"She was the one you sacrificed thousands for? You saved her…" Nevada gritted her teeth as she looked away, "So… what happened afterwards?"

"I thought we could get past the tragic lost of the colonists but the devastation was too great. The burden wore against our relationship and even our friendship. It became difficult to spend time together without thinking back to what happened on the Collector ship. There was no way for us to look towards our future."

Shepard's silence concerned Vega. Her body remained motionless while he revealed the details of his relationship with Treeya. Incapable of reading her thoughts, he gently cupped her chin and guided Nevada to face him. The raw affliction of discovering her partner's past by sheer accident lingered in her sight. Knowing that his sacrifice held strong influence from his bond towards the asari, he was worried that his Commander would view him differently.

"I still spend many hours reconsidering my judgment. The imprints from everyone I knew and lost that day will continue to haunt my memories and I'll always wonder if I did the right thing. There's nothing I can do about it now, you said so yourself. No matter how many times I search for resolution. But there is one thing I never questioned…" he rubbed her cheek with his thumb, "us."

"So I don't have to worry about her?"

"Do I detect a hint of jealousy?"

"Possibly," her voice growled.

"Don't worry. No one can compare to you," his melodic voice attempted to reassure his partner but the words only added to her uncertainty.

"Is that because of the reputation that surrounds me? That I'm the Shepard, the savior of the Citadel and the best hope for humanity to survive this war against the Reapers?" she asked, hitting her chest with her hand to emphasize her being. "That even though I am a reincarnation of my previous self in this artificial body, everybody expects me to succeed?"

"You may be a legend, you may be a copy…" Vega stared deeply into her eyes as they begged for some sort of salvation, "but you are still human and you have the same desires as any being would. Nothing can change who you are and what you are capable of. I know this for a fact since you stole my heart, Nevada. And for once, someone saved me. I was a broken man who could only dream of your glory. My squadmates can laugh at me all they want but you were everything I was waiting for. You saved me from the dark past I was running away from and made me feel complete again. Every part of me, everything I have and everything I can give, it all belongs to you," he smiled, running his fingers through her long silky hair.

"Good because I didn't feel like sharing."

"You won't have to. What happened on Fehl Prime, including Treeya, will always be a part of my past but I'm looking forward towards my future. And the only future I see involves you."

"Out of sheer curiosity, what do you see in our future?" she asked with a raised brow.

"I know after this war is over, I want to whisk you away and take you somewhere nice. If it's still mostly intact, I would love to take you to the desert I grew up in. I would cook for you every single day and make you some of my abuela's recipes. Maybe we could even settle down…"

"That's ambitious. You want to pull me away from all these military restraints and demands?"

"You're right. That selfish of me to think I could steal you from the Alliance."

"Although," Shepard nuzzled against her muscular man, "I died once while serving. I don't want to die again in the line of duty."

"So you would actually consider retiring?" he asked, relishing in the thought of his partner warming up the idea of settling down.

"Before I met you, it was in my blood to be an Alliance brat until the day I die. But I've been there… done that… and not exactly looking forward to it happening again. I think you're softening me up, Vega. The more I fight, the more it becomes a possibility of escaping these bonds and living for myself," the tone in her voice reflected her dearest intentions.

Nevada was growing weary of the constant bustle of fighting to live day to day. She had every determination to see this war to the end but knew this wouldn't be an easy task. This one would be testing her to her limits and it would be a struggle to keep standing afterwards. Knowing there was no immanent future to plan towards, the only goal she had set was to survive so she could enjoy the fruits of her labor… including the relationship with her Lieutenant.

The heat pulsing through his skin was comforting against her seasoned bones. Unable to restrain her wandering hand, she idly watched as her fingertips walked the length from his navel to his collarbone. Pressing her palm against the side of his neck, she felt every beat throbbing through his veins. Resting her chin against his toned chest, she closed her eyes and shrugged, "Who knows? Maybe we could have a little one to continue the legacy."

The words caused his heart to skip a beat, "Wait, did I just hear you correctly?"

"Yes but I am talking about it happening far off in the distance, not anytime soon."

"I remember you telling me that you could never think about having children."

"I may have said that before but I've been doing a lot of thinking since then.. And from what I've seen at the restaurant, you appear to be good with kids."

"But I don't deserve to have one of my own."

"Why is that?"

"I broke a promise I made to a little girl that I would protect her…" James confessed, triggering the emotional connection of Fehl Prime to resurface, "I know I would have done things differently if she was my own."

"And this is why you would make a great father," Shepard inputted and could feel Vega's confused eyes staring at her, "You had a difficult decision to make back then but you learned from it. Now you know you would go to great lengths to protect your own child. This time you can make the same promise and keep it."

"Maybe."

"Figuratively speaking, if you had to choose between a boy or a girl, what would you want?"

"I would love to have a little girl."

"Me too."

"And I think I would want to name her April… in memoriam."

"Understandable. I know you may not believe me but I know you would be a great father. I can even see you as becoming slightly over-protective, especially when they get to the age of dating… which isn't necessarily a bad thing."

"Now you're flattering me," James pulled his partner close and nuzzled his cheek against her forehead. The warmth radiating through her skin welcomed his embrace, enticing him to plant a tender kiss near the small scar hidden by her eyebrow. The moment his mouth was no longer in contact, his primal impulses kicked in. He was left wanting… craving… yearning for more. Nevada was his addiction and cure. Only the sweet caress of her lips against his would quell his withdrawal.

Sitting upright, he wrapped his arms around the Commander and moved her to completely face him. Bracing herself on her knees, she mounted her subordinate's leg. Vega tucked Shepard's hair behind her ear and ran his thumb along the length of her jaw line. Placing his hand on the back of her neck, he hinted his intentions and began directing her closer.

As she placed her hand his chest, the beating of her heart pounded through her fingertips like a drum. Increasing in tempo as his actions heightened her senses. Brushing her nose against his, their breathing became heavier with every inhale. The way her eyelashes lightly batted across his shut eyelids, crawled under his skin and surged through his spine. Her hand navigated to the back of his head and immediately began massaging the scalp under his Mohawk. Every urge, every sensation, eagerly anticipated the arrival of his embrace.

Without any further ado, James sealed the distance and locked their mouths. Their moist meeting quickly escalated, fueled by their carnal rage. Shepard nibbled at his lower lip, tugging for his strong caress. Obsessed with pleasing their physical cravings for each other, he continued to whet their sexual appetite by granting his partner's wish. Boldly diving his tongue to meet with hers, coddling their contact by teasing and tempting hers to divulge back.

As their lustful impulses became predominately influential in what direction they were heading, he pulled away briefly and suggested between heavy breaths, "You know, we could try for that little girl right now…"

"I don't think so, James," she ticked at him, "You're still in training. Don't think you'll weasel your way out of this endurance test that easily."

"Understood, ma'am," the side of his lips curled up as he wrapped his fingers into Nevada's brunette locks and guided her mouth to greet his again, satiating his addiction once more.