Yes, I am alive. I know, it's been a while since I've written a CM fic, but DW has bee comsuming me with its terrible B plots and such that I've been writting out my anger so to speak.

In other news, tonight is the night! CM season premire! This story has been on my mind for a while and when I saw a while, I mean since Emily's last episode. It's taken me this long though, to write it out, thanks to a crazy summer and busy semester so far. Anyway, this is something I think needs to knowledge, and yes, it's my personal opinion, but hopefully, I'm not the only one who feels or thinks similar to this.

So, I don't own CM and without further ado, I present this.

Recommend listening "Please Don't Go" by Barcelona. Tragic song, makes me wanna slit my wrists.

Every day she lived in constant fear.

It damn near choked her every time she went into the conference room and had to face her friends and colleagues, knowing what she knew. Well, she and Hotch, but still. She was keeping a huge secret from them, one that could split the team apart. For good.

She knew it was the right thing to do. Emily had to go into hiding in order to catch Doyle and in order for her to move around undetected, well, then, Emily Prentiss had to have a nice little gravestone her friends, and what little biological family she had left, could visit.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, and she had made her peace with the fact that this was what she had to do and the fact that Emily was still alive was something she would have to keep to herself, to take with her to the grave, if need be. She was good to go.

Until Spencer.

He almost blew her out the damn water with his reaction at the hospital when she told the team Emily was "dead". He seemed to be barely hanging on, and the sight of the tears in his eyes and his bottom lip trembling compelled her to reach out and comfort him, much like she had wanted to at Haley's funeral. She placed her hand on his chest, ignoring the feelings that surfaced when she felt his warmth and strength and the muscles he had developed after being on crutches. "Spence."

He didn't make eye contact with her, staring at the floor so she wouldn't see his tears. "I didn't get a chance to say goodbye." His voice cracking on the last word, and she pulled him into her arms, holding him close and feeling his warm tears on her neck as his slim body shook with his grief. She wanted to hold him forever in her arms, she wanted to wipe away his tears, she wanted to tell him the truth, she wanted to…

She wanted to do a lot of things. But she couldn't. Because even as she held his trembling body, she knew that when the day came that Emily could come back home and the truth would come out, she knew…

Spencer would be angry. He would be hurt. He would feel betrayed. Not just by Emily, but by her as well. She comforted him in the hospital, knowing that Emily wasn't dead. She lied to him – to all of them. But she and Spencer were partners, they were best friends, he was Henry's godfather. They shared a bond that the others couldn't understand. It was always JJ and Reid.

There was a chance that could change. That it would end with JJ being JJ and Reid being Reid. Two separate agents instead of a united front, a partnership, a close friendships. She loved him with everything that she was; she loved her husband as well, but the love she had for Spencer, never came close to the love she felt for Will. And Spencer knew that, just like she knew that he loved her just as desperately. But she was married and Spencer wasn't the type of guy that break up a marriage on purpose, he wasn't the type of guy that had affairs, and she loved that about him. She hated herself for not being the same, because the truth was, if Spencer ever gave any sign or a hint that he wanted to enter into a relationship with her, public or not, she would jump at the chance.

And that's why this was going to hurt him so much. She had never lied to him, not about something so important or big. Full disclosure was the foundation of their partnership and friendship. This was huge, and what many people didn't know about him, was that when Spencer felt, he felt with everything he had. He loved with everything he had, he was passionate with everything he had, and he grieved with everything he had. When Spencer hurt or was angry, he bottled it up until he was ready to feel or embrace the full force of that emotion. And unleash it.

The first thing he was going to bring up were going to be all the nights they spent at her house, spending time with Henry before he went to sleep, and they sat on the couch together and talked until the sun came up; the plane trips back home where she would cuddle against him, because she slept better when she was warm (and Spencer was always warm) or he would read to her quietly from one of the few books he had in English that wasn't some sort of manual and wasn't written before the 20th century, which just happen to be Harry Potter. She had gotten the series for him for his last birthday, insisting he needed to broaden his horizons, and after seeing the look on her face, he graciously accepted them and told her thank you by reading all of them in one night.

She had plenty of chances to come clean with him; she knew that if anybody can keep a secret, it was Spencer. He wasn't like Morgan or Penelope or Rossi or herself, where once they got a hint of gossip, they were off sharing it. No, Spencer kept it to himself until he either needed to use the knowledge for a case or to up-one Morgan by telling the older agent that he "was so late".

She watched him from the safety of her office, where Morgan couldn't see her and start singing "JJ and Reid, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Now that Spencer knew what the sing meant, he would blush and throw office supplies at Morgan, who would laugh and ask him why he was so defensive. Of course, they got Morgan back for it, stopping by his desk one morning and flirting heavily, catching not only Morgan's attention, but everyone else's attention as well. They kept going until Hotch walked over to them and asked to see them in his office. After explaining that they were just messing with Morgan, Hotch let them run with it.

She smiled at the memory of Morgan's face when they finally told him they were just messing with him. He didn't talk to them for two days.

Her smile faded as she watched Spencer get up from his desk and stretch as he walked over to where Emily's picture was. She watched as he smiled sadly at the picture. His lips were moving so she gathered that he was talking, but what he was saying was between him and the picture. She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes at the gathering tears. She didn't have a clue what she was going to do if Spencer cut her out of his life. They had woven their lives together so much, she knew it would never be the same if he was to tear himself out of her life. She couldn't even fathom a life without his warm, quiet presence.

Please Spencer. Please don't go. Forgive me, please.

As a side-note, I hope and pray to God, there will be a nice little moment between Hotch and Emily.