THE WORST SUFFERING COMES FROM THE HEART
by Yankee-chan (inspired by Tempered Steel and Paper Hearts)

Chapter 1 : Lost

When the war between Phantom Lord and Fairy Tail ended, he wandered around the country without any goal. Money? He didn't need it. Food? He could find iron everywhere. A place to live? If he could find a quiet little place where nobody would come to disturb him, it would be fine. Friends? No, he didn't want any. It couldn't be otherwise.

Gajeel had no one who could take care of him, and anyway he didn't want to know people who could. He was alone, and he was fine with it. He traveled the whole kingdom, searching a place which could fit him and where he could stay alone, and finally he arrived in a ghost town, in the middle of a desert. He had no map and he didn't know where he was precisely, but he didn't give a damn. Wandering in the empty streets, he frowned, smelling some iron which exercised an attractive power on him. There was a lot of iron and despite the fact it was rusty, it was still iron. Gutters, plates, all that could be used in a life. And this town was big enough to stay a little while without starving to death. He threw his bag on the ground and took everything he could used later. Meaning a few things, as long as he could eat. He thought about gain some strength to beat the crap of Salamander but when he looked at the thin pipes and plates which would just allow him to feed and not train, he dropped the idea. He better save his magic. He took the first thing he saw in his mouth mumbling that it was better than nothing.

However the constant routine didn't remove the bitter taste of his defeat, neither his anger he felt for those who took him down. A cycle of contradictory feelings turned in him, raging in his heart and and leaving him emotionally exhausted more often than he wished.

I attacked Fairy Tail and I got what I deserved, right? He thought, nearly laughing before the summary of his life. When he had a bad day, he rose with rage in his heart and punched everything he saw. He felt like a beast in a cage, prisoner of his feelings. However, just letting go and being controlled by his impulses... it wasn't him. So he fought. Against invisible enemies. He trained and trained. That emptied his mind.

Weak! They were all weak! How could a guild as weak as Fairy Tail be the cause of his defeat? This sentence always came back in his mind and made him roar with anger. He felt better after. With his rage, another feeling, a stranger feeling, haunted each movement, each thought, tenacious like a shadow, always following him by behind, and he could chase it. Culpability. He felt deep down that what he did was wrong, that he was wrong, but he mostly ignored it, pushing it away into the depths of his soul. However it came back, followed by the image of a blue haired girl he crucified to a tree, in Magnolia park.

He couldn't say that Metalicana gave him an education or taught him how to behave at a table, how to live into the society or how to talk with the others. Especially how to talk with the others. It was things Gajeel had learned by himself and he decided to ignore them because his father had clearly explained him that the world didn't turn like this. He didn't care about friendship, sun, rainbows and pretty birds chanting, just like these fucking Fairy Tail dumbasses seemed to think. But now he wondered and didn't know what to think anymore. He knew there were some things you could do and some things you couldn't. For example, punching a girl was something you mustn't do. But he was different. He was just interested by his unlimited power and the fear he could make the other feel. All he needed to live was fight. After all, he never knew something else. But now... now he just wondered how his world and his ideals could have been crumbling so easily because of a bunch of weaklings like Fairy Tail.

A month later, he admitted it. Like a concession to calm his moments of weakness. Of course, he always knew it.

He was lonely and didn't like company.

During the day he tried to clean his mind from these stupid things, by training nonstop until his body broke. Despite all his efforts, when the night came, when he was completely exhausted, all this feelings he tried to erase during the day slowly came back, giving him nightmares.

Metalicana had left him.

No matter what kind of optimist blabla Salamander declared about Ignir, Gajeel knew. He knew Metalicana wasn't like Salamander's father. He ignored the pain in his chest and, angry with himself, thought he was nothing but a sentimental idiot and that he mustn't let stupid memories disturb him.

Some brigands or bounty hunters came sometime. But then, they left running and yelling. Gajeel appreciated, it was more than pleasant to punch someone instead of a wall. Until someday another mage arrived. He was a dark, mighty and charismatic man. His name was Ivan. Gajeel began to pay some interest at him when he proposed him to take revenge of Fairy Tail. He was Raven Tail's master, a dark clandestine guild. Indeed it was enticing. Take revenge of the ones who dropped him to such a low level. He was about to accept when the image of the the blue haired girl flashed in front of him and he changed his mind. While the mage was about to leave, Gajeel muttered «I'll think about it» reluctantly. A satisfied small smile appeared on Ivan's face and he created a paper doll, a shikigami, then he made it fly toward Gajeel who took it.

"When you'd decide, use this to contact me. I hope to see you soon Gajeel." He said before disappearing in a black whirlwind.

The next days were filled with anxiety. He hadn't money, nowhere to go and the possibility of revenge was really tempting him. But he tried to think about something else, he couldn't do it. Every time he took the paper doll his thought about the consequences that this simple gesture could provoke. If he'd accepted, he would be turned just as a pawn again. He was trapped. He couldn't move on without solving this problem. However in both cases he wouldn't be forgiven. What should he do? As the days went by, Gajeel became more and more uncertain, but he knew he hated Fairy Tail for having put him in this situation.

About a week later, his meal and his reflections were interrupted by a cheerful voice:

"Yo up there! Tell me, is iron really that tasty?"

He quickly turned and just had the time to see Makarov, blowing like a ox, jump on the house's roof where he was sitting (that wasn't a thing an old man should do). There was a tense and heavy silence between them, before the old mustached man talked again:

"Yesterday Juvia joined our guild." He said while sitting down beside the Dragon Slayer who slightly moved away.

"So what? I don't care of this woman!" Gajeel growled.

"She's worried about you..."

Gajeel let a sharp small snort out : Where the fuck were she all this time if she was worried, huh?

"You know, there no need to enter into the darkness." The old man kept talking while looking at the shikigami, placed next to the iron mage's hand. Gajeel got startled.

"How do you know?"

He didn't need an answer, Makarov's eyes talked for himself. So the old man smiled to him, a true smile, and just asked a single question:

"So? Do you want to join our guild?"

Gajeel jumped on his feet, a tornado of contradictory feelings swirling in him and, filled with shock and anger, he roared:

"Don't kid me! How can you seriously asking me that! And do you honestly think that I want to join your guild?"

His chest rose fast with anger and incredibility, facing this old Guild Master. He wanted to scream a cascade of insults but he decided to keep his mouth shut, he didn't want to be disintegrated. He just wished the old man understood him, and apparently that was the case because Makarov seemed to consider the situation.

No. He wouldn't be hurt or used again.

Then the old man looked at him once more and spoke, his voice low and solemn:

"There are people in this world who enjoy being alone, but there isn't a single person who can bear solitude."

Gajeel dropped his jaw. Deep down, he knew the old mage was right but he nodded, far for calm down.

"I destroyed your guild." He finally said with a furious voice. He had no excuses.

"I don't care anymore."

He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth before going on:

"I hurt your members..." This time, a ounce of culpability could be heard in his voice.

"You hurt them. And I will never forgive you... But if I let you fall into darkness, I won't be able to forgive myself. The choice is yours."

Unlike Ivan, there was no half-promises, no false hopes, no other options. But he couldn't.

"I can't. I can't come to Fairy Tail, that's all." He said clutching his knuckles.

"Why not?" Makarov asked, suddenly surprised.

"Because. Just leave me alone." Gajeel growled and slowly went away.

"I see... If you change your mind, you know where you can find me." The old man insisted with a comprehensive smile. He couldn't force him. Makarov jumped to the ground and he disappeared into a golden light.

In the following days, Gajeel doubted. He didn't know anymore. He won't join Fairy Tail, but he won't join Ivan either. That's what he decided. He would stay here. He didn't know it yet, but he would change his mind soon enough.

A few days after his "little" discussion, later in afternoon, he told himself that this place became less and less quiet when a shy little voice disturbed him again.

"Uh... Hi. Long time no see."

The wind brought him a smell. He knew it.

He turned around and saw a girl. He knew her.

She sounded insecure, but it was understandable. Blue hair, orange bandana, cinnamon eyes, pink cheeks.

Levy.