Well, I don't really have a good excuse, do I? It's been, oh, five years since I last posted a chapter. The worst part is that I actually finished this chapter said five years ago and just never posted it because I wanted to glance over it first.

If you're wondering where I went, I am still alive. When I was first working on this story, I was in college and had a two-hour block between classes to fill with all the fanfiction I wanted, and after that went away, I just had less time to devote to writing. I now work full-time and I'm periodically working on a novel, so I can't promise there will be more chapters after this. I feel I do owe all of you nice reviewers this completed chapter at least. I'm working on the next one, too, but the truth is, I've sort of forgotten where this story was going... Hopefully I'll kind of gracefully slide back into the tone of it and figure out how else to torture my favorite characters soon. ;)

This chapter takes place three years after the last.

The Absence

by The Conqueror Worm

Chapter 15

"I never did grow up, feels like I never will.

My friends are all adults; I'm still a teenage girl.

I haven't changed a bit; I'm still not over it.

I make the same mistakes, I make the same mistakes."

-The Echo Friendly, "Same Mistakes"

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"Get off it, tosser," Harry Potter snarled, smacking Dudley hard on one ear and yanking the plastic dinosaur back to his chest.

"Lily," Petunia snapped, marching over to console her son, who was now whimpering in pain, and glaring up at her sister. "Keep your little freak son away from my Dudders."

Lily scoffed at the nickname, but she gripped Harry's shoulder a little harder than necessary as she pulled him away from his cousin. Ever since her divorce from James, a startling change in Harry had begun. Gone was the crying, gone was the self-entitled attitude, and in their place, Harry had adopted a sinister streak. He was quiet and sullen, glaring through his too-long bangs at everyone and only speaking occasionally to admonish anyone for bothering him. Despite this tendency, Dudley still seemed drawn to his cousin and was constantly trying to engage Harry in play, though his attempts often ended in pain.

Dudley sniffled and looked up at his mother. "But it's mine, Mummy," he whimpered quietly.

"Give it back to him, Harry," Lily sighed. Of course it would be Harry who stole the toy unjustly, she thought, if only to prove that Petunia was right for calling him a 'scheming ruffian in need of a hair cut' only moments before. She didn't even understand why he would have taken it, except to annoy Dudley; Harry no longer played with toys. Harry looked up at his mother, a dark scowl on his face. Without blinking, he squeezed the small dinosaur and it melted in his hand, turning black and oozing down his fingers before splattering on the hardwood floor.

Dudley instantly began to wail, and Petunia shouted over his cries a lot of snippy phrases, many of which included the words 'freak' and 'you're going to pay for a new one,' but Lily ignored the both of them. She continued to stare down at Harry, whose green eyes were boring into hers as the last of the plastic slid off his hand, leaving it completely clean. "Harry," she said softly, but her own mother began to speak over both her children.

"Now, now, that's enough everyone." She sounded as if she had heard enough family arguments to last her a lifetime. "I've just finished the cookies, so why don't you all go into the kitchen." She leaned down to pat the still-crying Dudley on the back. "I know, I know, but Grandma's cookies make everything better, right?" She smiled down at Dudley as he lifted up his round little head to sniffle and nod at her. Lily bit her tongue from saying that she thought this was a poor lesson to teach Dudley, who was already quite rotund for his age, but as her own son had just melted a toy with his bare hand, she wasn't one to speak on proper parenting.

Lily sighed, watching Petunia, her mother, and Dudley gathering around the kitchen island to look at the freshly baked cookies. Petunia put a large pile on a plate and set it in front of Dudley, petting his blonde hair; Dudley smiled sweetly up at his mother, his toy long forgotten. Behind them, Harry was standing in front of the sliding glass door, staring blankly out at the backyard. Rather than joining this scene, Lily slipped away, quietly climbing the stairs to her bedroom.

She and Harry had moved in with her parents after her divorce from James three years ago. They had joint custody over Harry, so he spent every other week at his father's and Sirius's flat, but as far as she had gleaned from her brief conversations with James over the years, Harry was no happier at his place. She paused on the way to her bedroom to look through the doorway into Harry's room, which was Petunia's once upon a time. The bed was neatly made—a sign her mother had been in to straighten up—but the rest of the room was sad and bare. She had bought him various posters, numerous toys, but Harry would either blatantly chuck them in the bin or else stuff them in the dark recesses of his closet, depending on his mood. An empty pack of crisps and a few chewing gum wrappers that she was certain neither she nor her mother had bought for him were the only things on the wooden desk by the door. She stood for a moment longer in the doorway, debating whether to snoop through his closet or not, when a slight movement caught her eye. The movement had come from a small crack in one of Harry's desk drawers, and she cast a quick glance down the stairs to see if her son was anywhere nearby before quickly stepping into the room and wrenching the drawer fully open.

She had not been sure what she was expecting exactly—a mouse or another stolen toy or what—but it certainly wasn't this. The small, scowling face of Severus Snape looked up at her from the bottom of the desk drawer; he was younger than the last time she had seen him, still the scrawny boy she had once known, but she was so taken in by those dark eyes again that she almost didn't notice the red-headed teenage girl he was trying to ignore in the background. 'That's me,' she thought, and instantly snapped back to reality, realizing that it was a photograph—her photograph—that was mysteriously in Harry's drawer. Lily reached down and peeled the picture away from the wood, staring at it for a moment longer before placing Severus back in the desk and closing the drawer. She left the room in time to catch Petunia's shrill voice carrying up the stairs. "What a disaster of a visit. I feel like I can't even visit my own mother anymore. You know, you're my mother too. I don't see why Lily and her little creepy son need to be here all the time. She has a job; isn't it time that she got a place of her own instead of imposing on you and dad? You should really—"

"Now, Petunia," her mother began, but Lily turned to finish her trip down the hallway to her own room. Really, she had thought that her life without being married to James would be wildly different, but it was just like being a teenager, except for the fact that she didn't have Severus anymore and she now had a sullen son to care for.

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"Hello?" a female voice sounded behind Lily, making her jump. She turned and stared into the kind brown eyes of the petite woman behind her. "Oh, hello, I thought it was you," the woman said, smiling wider now as she stared at Lily. "It's quite busy here, isn't it?"

"Er, hello," Lily said uncertainly, looking around the cramped bookshop for help in placing the woman. James was standing across the room, smiling down at Harry as he pointed at the owl cage clutched in his hand. Harry looked up at the owl, making eye contact with it as it hooted uneasily, but he did not return his father's smile. James glanced back at her, catching her eye and shrugging. Over the last three years, they had healed whatever she had broken so terribly years ago, and he seemed to have forgiven her; their friendship was uneasy but warm, and they were both trying to be better parents to their son. But now a panic had started to grow in Lily's chest. Harry was about to head off to Hogwarts, and Lily's house would become empty and cold without him, no matter how difficult he could be at times.

Lily had tried to gain more friends since the divorce, but after moving back home to a Muggle neighborhood, it had become more difficult to branch out. She had reached out to some of her old friends but found that she had little in common with them now. Alice had a son about Harry's age, but she lived in the countryside and seemed to already have a tight-knit group of friends to keep her entertained. And while she hadn't said so, Lily had the distinct impression that Alice frowned on her separation from James. Marlene had disappeared sometime in the last few years, and Lily feared the worst; Marlene wasn't the first person to disappear as tales of a Dark Lord and his army grew. Mary, like at school, was only interested in discussing men, and since Lily was still pining over Severus, she had little to discuss. Severus had never returned her owls, had never visited her, and his house now seemed abandoned when she dared to Apparate there after work at least once a month.

A large stack of books teetered toward the woman. "Mom?" a little voice asked, muffled by the stack of books.

"There you are dear. Look who I've run into—Mrs. Potter! I haven't spoken to her in ages."

The little voice squeaked and all of the books fell to the floor, revealing Hermione Granger looking horrified. She began sputtering, but Mrs. Granger was still talking, telling Lily how she'd heard Hermione and Harry were great friends and thanking Lily for watching Hermione so often. Of course, she'd be happy to have Harry over some time to return the favor, but she and her husband were just so busy with running the practice. They'd definitely have to set something up, though, right?

Lily stared, flabbergasted by what Mrs. Granger was saying. She looked down at the little girl's huge eyes then back to her mother. "I'm sorry, but what are you saying? I don't think I've seen Hermione in years, not since her few play dates with Harry when we still lived in Godric's Hollow. But we moved after James and I divorced."

Mrs. Granger shut up and stared at Lily, going very stiff. They stared at each other for a full minute until Lily grew too uncomfortable and looked away. Mrs. Granger pursed her lips and looked down at Hermione. "You'll have to excuse me. I think I have to have a talk with my daughter."

"Of course," Lily said, but Hermione was already talking over her, trying to get out the words faster than she could say them.

"I'm sorry I lied to you, mum. I wasn't really going over to Mrs. Potter's, but I knew that you needed to work more instead of worrying about me, and I was only studying all day. You know I have been because I know so much and—"

Ms. Granger nodded slowly, looking down at her daughter with a small frown. "So you haven't been going anywhere? You've just been inside all day for the last three years, studying?" Even to Lily, who had been something of an over-achieving bookworm herself once upon a time, this sounded odd, but considering that Hermione seemed to have dropped three times the amount of books a first year needed, she could believe Hermione's story.

Hermione turned to Lily and smiled shakily. "Sorry, Mrs. Potter. Er, it's nice to see you again."

"Um, sure," Lily replied. She felt a slight blush on her cheeks as she remembered how much she had blathered on and on the last time she had seen the small girl. "Harry is right over there, if you'd like to say hello," she added, if only to cover up the awkward tension.

The little girl glanced over at where James, Harry, and now Sirius were standing, the two men talking and laughing as Harry continued to stare blankly at his new pet. "Okay! I'll be right back, Mum." She abandoned the mess of books on the floor, nearly tripping as she rushed over to the group of boys.

Lily bent down to pick up the books and stacked them in a neat pile, as Ms. Granger was still staring down at where her daughter had been moments before. "Should I be worried?" she finally said as Lily put the last book on top of the teetering pile. "She's such a sweet, intelligent child, but I just can't stop feeling as if she's hiding something from me. Who lies just to study? I mean," she said, finally turning to look at Lily. "Would you be worried?"

Lily glanced at her own son, who had not turned to look at or greet Hermione. "Who knows? Perhaps this is just a weird age for children." They stood for another moment, watching Hermione chat happily to the two men, before Ms. Granger left to pay for her daughter's books. Watching Harry, Lily felt glad that at least she knew where he had been the last three years; what sort of parent didn't? But then she felt that this sentiment sounded too much like Petunia and pushed it away.

Lily watched Hermione giggle loudly at something Sirius had said. Sirius reached down and pushed some of Hermione's frizzy locks behind one of her ears, grinning. Something about the casual, familiar way he did it made the little hairs on Lily's neck stand on end. It was a gesture Lily has seen Sirius do to dozens of girls while at Hogwarts, and she felt uneasy just seeing it, like she did back then, as if she was seeing an intensely personal moment. Her immediate reaction was to march over there and pull the girl away, but Hermione was still laughing and chatting happily, so oblivious to the inappropriateness of the moment, that Lily wasn't sure if she was wildly misinterpreting it. She glanced at James and was at once thrilled and disappointed at how disconcerted he looked, too; he was looking between Hermione and Sirius, both of whom were unaware that they were even excluding him from the conversation now. Finally, he said something to Hermione that made her happily wave goodbye and race to join her mother at the register.

"Alright, Lils?" James called, leading Harry toward her. "You look a little strange." His own face still had an oddly pinched quality to it, though he was smiling again.

"Well, I just had the oddest conversation," she said, looking at Sirius as she said it, though she was speaking to James. "Have you been watching Hermione Granger?"

"Who?" James said. "That girl just now?" He glanced fleetingly over at Sirius, then back at Lily. "No, I thought you might've been. She came to say hello to Harry, she said."

Lily sighed. "Never mind, then. I don't think it's really important." She tore her eyes from Sirius, who was resolutely pretending to inspect Harry's owl. "Have you got all of Harry's books?" James held up the stack of required books for first years, and they proceeded to the check-out, Harry still staring solemnly down at his new owl as he carried the cage with both hands.

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Regulus Black was in tears. He stared down at the burning skull branded on his arm, frantically pulling at his long black hair and whimpering loudly. This again. The meetings had become more frequent and more and more people were present at each one, all shrouded in black robes and skull masks. He only knew the Death Eaters who had originally been part of their small, naïve group of Purebloods. Who these people were and if they were even there willingly was something that the Dark Lord delighted in keeping a mystery. Still, knowing some of the followers did nothing to make the situation better.

The night before, he had watched Yaxley slit the throat of two little boys with one slash of his wand, laughing madly into the cold night air. The male Carrow had raped the Muggle wife, squealing like a pig as he came, while a large group watched, jeering at the crying woman. Regulus had barely made it to the side of the house to secretly vomit in the bushes. He would have stayed there, shivering in the chilly night air, if Lucius hadn't come marching around the corner. "Up!" he hissed, and he irritably pulled Regulus to his feet when the younger man did not instantly obey. "Don't you understand? If he senses your weakness, you will be killed, Regulus," he whispered so quietly that the fierce wind blew half of his words away before Regulus could hear them. He heard the last part, though—"Don't let Bellatrix see"—before Lucius slammed the cold metal of the skull mask over his face.

And moments later, the Muggle woman was dead, left naked and bleeding beside her children on her own front lawn, and Bellatrix was casting the Dark Mark. Everyone was shouting and laughing as they moved together, a great army, toward the next house, which was full of more unassuming women and small children and men who would be forced to watch, defeated, while their lives crashed and burned around them in a fevered dream until someone put them out of their misery. Regulus never killed if he could help it.

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You may need to suspend your disbelief a bit for the extreme obliviousness of Hermione's parents; some parents are neglectful, I guess. Anyway, if Dudley seemed a bit tame, I am of the opinion that half of Dudley's spoiled upbringing was just to rub it in Harry's face how unloved he was in comparison, so I thought I'd tone him down a bit. Next chapter is the Hogwart's Express and the Sorting.