A/N: This is kind of a spin-off of Average Life at Aperture Science, though you only really need to read part of the first chapter for descriptions of GLaDOS and Wheatley's human forms and know that you can find pictures of the human versions of the cores on forte-girl7's Deviant ART page. It's not exactly like ALaAS; the only big difference is that instead of there being the real GLaDOS and a human copy named Glados, there's just GLaDOS in human form. This is because I feel like it. And, to the relief of a few people, the Fourth Wall won't be broken in this fic. Well, breaking it may be implied, but I'm not going to light it up with dynamite like I've been doing in ALaAS.
Also, ALaAS probably won't be updated for a long, long time. In fact, it might not be updated at all, except for perhaps some sort of closure. I hope that I can include a Halloween special, though. I guess you can think of this as its replacement, though it probably won't get above ten chapters.
To whom it may concern: Yes, I know I should be working on ASHEaDE, but I'm experiencing writer's block right now for it. Chapter 9 is in progress, though (In case you haven't noticed, ch. 8 is out).
On to the fic!
A large, black van plowed through a huge field of wheat away from what looked like an electrical shack conveniently placed in the middle of nowhere. Inside was a rather odd group.
Driving the van was GLaDOS, who had placed herself in a human body to conduct experiments outside of the Enrichment Centre. She had brought a small band with her, including her former test subject who was sitting in the passenger seat and staring silently out the window (she had escaped the Centre, only to come back out of sheer boredom and had turned out to be not as mute as previously thought), and a group of humanized cores who were sitting in the van's two rows of backseats.
In the first row, sitting by the window on the left, was Fact, who was muttering facts of questionable accuracy about everything from the wheat in the field, to the clouds in the sky, to the dangerously acidic pineapples that could apparently be found back in Aperture Laboratories. In the middle was Wheatley, who was feeling uncomfortably crowded and fighting carsickness. He had been brought back to the Enrichment Centre by a very confused astronaut, as well as Space, and had been tortured mercilessly ever since. Next to the right side window was Intelligence, or Intell for short, whose eyes were focused on his knees as he muttered absentmindedly about cake ingredients.
In the back row, by the left side window was Curiosity, who had her eyes glued to the window as she asked random questions to no one in particular about everything she saw, which honestly wasn't much despite the endless stream of questions. Sitting in the middle was Space, who was grumbling sadly about his lack of space. On the right was Rick, who was proudly showing off his muscles to no one in particular other than himself.
Yes, it was a very odd group indeed.
In the back of the van, large amounts of supplies were stored, supplies needed for, as you have probably already guessed, camping. They were, after all, trying to observe humans in their natural habitat.
"How long is the drive going to be?" Wheatley asked, the bumpiness of driving straight through a wheat field making him uneasy.
"Approximately six hours once we reach an actual road," Fact reported in a monotone voice.
"What? Oh, you've got to tell me this is one of his facts that aren't really facts!" Wheatley protested.
"Unfortunately, he's right," GLaDOS confirmed, not very enthusiastic herself.
"What are we supposed to do for six bloody hours in a car?" he whined.
"We could play I Spy!" Curiosity suggested excitedly.
"I spy space!" Space immediately declared.
"That's not how you play the game!" Curiosity told him.
"I lost the Game!" Chell said casually.
"I LOST THE GAME!" everyone else chimed in.
The Game. You just lost it.
Anyway…
"There isn't really that much to spy," Wheatley pointed out as if nothing happened, "Oh, I know! 99 companion cubes on the wall, 99 companion cubes!"
Everyone else, except GLaDOS, chimed in, "TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND, 98 COMPANION CUBES ON THE WALL!"
"Not this again…" GLaDOS banged her forehead on the steering wheel. Several times.
"GLADOS! THE ROAD!" Chell shrieked, as if they were about to hit something.
Instinctively, GLaDOS slammed on the breaks, causing everyone in the van to scream in shock and lurch forward.
"Wait a minute, we're not even on the road!" GLaDOS yelled, glaring at Chell as the car started again.
"Exactly," the former test subject replied, grinning.
"98 companion cubes on the wall, 98 companion cubes!" Everyone, except GLaDOS, resumed, with accelerated speed and clapping, "Take one down, pass it around, 97 companion cubes on the wall!"
"Why are the companion cubes on the wall? And what wall are we talking about? Why are we taking them down and passing them around?" Curiosity asked happily.
"We don't know, just go with it!" Wheatley replied, laughing and forgetting about his carsickness.
"97 COMPANION CUBES ON THE WALL, 97 COMPANION CUBES! TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND, 96 COMPANION CUBES ON THE WALL!"
(One hour later)
"Negative 42 companion cubes on the wall, negative 42 companion cubes…" a few people sang without much enthusiasm, "Take one down, pass it around, negative 43 companion cubes on the wall…"
"How can there be a negative number of companion cubes?" Curiosity asked.
"For the fifth time, WE DON'T KNOW," Wheatley replied exasperatedly.
They had recently come to the road, and were driving along a highway through a small town.
"Hey, maybe since we're not in the middle of nowhere anymore, we can play I Spy now," Wheatley suggested, always one to try to lift the mood.
"This is such a small human settlement," GLaDOS retorted, "I doubt we'll find anything inter- Hey, that guy has a Periodic Table on his shirt! It's missing at least ten elements though…"
"You're such a nerd, GLaDOS," Chell said.
(2 hours later)
"I'm hungry," Wheatley suddenly blurted out.
"You're always hungry," GLaDOS pointed out.
"I'm hungry too!" Curiosity said.
"Fact: I am hungry. Hunger is due to-" Fact began.
"Don't finish that," Rick warned.
"Ooh, can we stop somewhere to get something to eat? Where can we stop? Is the food up here any different than the food we eat at home?" Curiosity asked excitedly.
"I don't think the food back there is any different from up here, unless GLaDOS did something weird to it…" Chell pondered.
"The only thing that's weird about our food is that it's survived for over a thousand years without spoiling," GLaDOS explained.
"I say we stop!" Rick voted, as if only his vote counted, "Even a hero's gotta eat!"
"Fact: No one here is a hero," Fact stated.
"Why I otta-"
"ALRIGHT. We'll stop," GLaDOS said exasperatedly.
And so they stopped at a pizza place called John Papa's. It was some sort of buffet with at least 29.4 types of pizza among other things, including caffeinated soft drinks.
If you've read ALaAS, you know what sugar does to these people. Now ponder for a second what might happen with caffeine.
Yep.
"I THROW MY CHIPS UP IN THE AIR SOMETIMES, WHEN I'M ANGRY, WHEN I'M ANGRY!" Everyone randomly sang, "I LIKE TO JAM AND EAT MY FOOD ALL DAY, 'CAUSE I'M CRAZY, KINDA LAZY! AND NOW I'M THIRSTY SO, PASS ME THAT CAN OF PIE! WE GONNA DRINK IT UP LIKE IT'S COKE AND SPRITE! I'M GONNA MIX IT ONCE, NOW I'LL MIX IT TWICE! WE GONNA DRINK IT UP LIKE IT'S COKE AND SPRITE!"
They were getting several strange looks, but they didn't care. They were insane, after all.
It wasn't long before they were kicked out of the restaurant.
"OMIGAWD THAT PIZZA WAS BLOODY DELICIOUS!" Wheatley yelled as they drove away from the restaurant at about 50 miles per hour over the speed limit.
Everyone in the car was all jittery; giggling and twitching out of control. Even GLaDOS, who had nearly rammed the van headfirst into at least two semi-trucks, but had only laughed manically each time as they hurtled down the highway.
"HEY LOOK IKEA!" Chell yelled, pointing.
"WE NEED TO GO THERE! IKEA IS AWESOOOOME!" Rick hollered.
The van parked beside the massive superstore, aka nearly crashing into it and scaring away and almost killing many innocent pedestrians.
Laughing hysterically enough to alarm the security guards to the point of not kicking them out on the spot, the highly caffeinated group skipped into IKEA.
They proceeded to run about the store, playing hide and seek, misplacing things, and trying to figure out what surfaces would contain portals and what would be the most amusing to cover in Repulsion Gel. The guards eventually got over their extreme fear of extreme insanity, and the Aperture Gang was soon involved in a high-speed chase around the store. This really just caused more trouble, since they would knock things over and climb over the furniture as they fled from the flustered and confused security guards.
Finally, after at least an hour and a half, the gang dashed out of the store, piled into the van, and sped off, leaving many to wonder what the heck just happened.
(4 hours later)
After they had calmed down from their caffeinated shenanigans, the group rode on in silence. Over seven hours had passed since they left the Enrichment Centre, and the sun was setting, but due to all of their delays they were at least an hour away from the campsite, even though they had already begun to drive through the forests and wooded areas that surrounded the site.
Several times woodland animals, such as deer, raccoons, and even a fox had crossed their path. The van was made of Aperture brand reinforced steel, and GLaDOS couldn't care less if she hit them, but if you were driving and everyone else in the car screamed "STOOOOP!" what would you do?
The van finally pulled to a stop at the check-in area of the campsite. Apparently, this is the sort of campsite in which you can reserve one or more cabins, with cabins coming in units of six. Each cabin had two rooms, a bedroom with two beds and a bathroom, a single ceiling fan, a few electric lights, running water in the bathroom, but no air conditioning. Each unit of cabins was arranged in a horseshoe-shaped formation with a couple of wooden picnic tables and a fire pit in the middle that had to be shared by all of the cabins. I guess it's like the sort of camp that kids go to during the summer, like for scouts or church camp, but for all ages and no adults telling you what to do. Frankly, I've never heard of a campsite like that, but it seems to fit for this particular fanfiction.
Since there were eight of them on this trip, they had only reserved four cabins, and knew that they could have to share their unit with four other people. GLaDOS didn't mind, though, since that would allow her to observe other humans more closely.
"This looks like the perfect place for adventure!" Rick said excitedly as they piled out of the van and examined the unit they were assigned to. There was another car nearby, and they could see that the lights were on in one of the other cabins. Rick took a deep, highly exaggerated breath. "Smell the air! The woods are probably full of deadly animals!"
"Are there really deadly animals?" Curiosity asked with wide eyes, looking around at the dark forests that surrounded the unit. If you've ever gone camping, you know that the woods tend to look a little more intimating at night, and the sun had set an hour ago.
GLaDOS laughed softly. "After what we've seen on the way? There's nothing particularly deadly here."
"Unless we run into, say, a venomous snake," Chell pointed out calmly.
Rick made a hissing sound, and Curiosity jumped and tried to hide behind Wheatley.
"Oi, don't be mean," Wheatley said, giving Rick a not-very-intimidating scowl that Rick just smirked at.
"Enough," GLaDOS silenced everyone, "Just start unloading the van."
"Uh, are we rooming with the same person we do at the Enrichment Centre?" Wheatley asked.
"To be honest, if you two room together I'm sure something bad will happen. Not that something bad hasn't already happened," GLaDOS replied, "You and Chell will be separated-"
"Good," Chell commented, "Wheatley snores really loudly…"
"No I don't!" he protested.
"-And you will be rooming with me," GLaDOS finished, smirking at Chell.
"WHAT?"
(Meanwhile)
ATLAS and P-body stood in the Central AI Chamber, watching as the elevator to the surface disappeared through the ceiling.
"Hmm, what should we do while GLaDOS isn't here?" ATLAS pondered mischievously. P-body was about to answer when they were interrupted.
"Nothing," Morality said sternly, "She left me in charge, and I intend to have the Centre in one piece when she comes back."
"Awww…" The two turned around and saw her standing behind them with her arms crossed and a warning look in her dark purple eyes. When she gave them a firm jerk of her head to tell them to leave the chamber, they quickly walked out, though they both had identical mischievous grins spreading across their faces.
A/N: Yes, it's obvious that ATLAS and P-body are up to no good, and the two extra cabins have OC's occupying them. Three of the OC's should be rather familiar… Does getting tied upside down to GLaDOS's mainframe ring any bells?
Also, in case you're wondering about the Game…
Rule #1: You are now playing the Game.
Rule #2: If you think about the Game, you lose the Game.
Rule #3: If you lose the Game, you must announce out loud 'I lost the Game'.
Rule #4: You cannot stop playing the Game.
You just lost the Game. Again.