I warned you.

Author's Note: So I'm sure some of you are wondering why I just put out a new story, completely out of the blue with TWO UNFINISHED STORIES (rage) already in queue! Well, the last chapter of a story is… something I really don't want to rush.

SO! I decided to release something completely ridiculous and out of character, as a sort of… peace offering to the masses.

And now, a little back story.

A few months ago before starting "The Rainbow Effect", I took part in a little competition with some of my writing buddies, out of sheer boredom and lack of common sense. The name of the game: Write a pony-riffic piece of literature with a time limit of exactly one hour

The catch? Wait thirty minutes after taking the maximum safe dosage of Nyquil.

Needless to say, I won.

At any rate, this story was God-awful, so I took a day to completely revamp it, add in a few scenes, and overall try and improve this glorious train-wreck, without taking too much time out of my regular writing schedule. Thankfully, now the story's just plain awful.

Hopefully this doesn't set any preconceptions of my writing style to any new readers. If it does… well, damn.

Disclaimer: I don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, this story contains lots of obscene language and absolute nonsense (NOW WITH ADDED PLOT!) Yadda yadda yadda… you know how it goes.

Also, Nyquil wrote this story for me. Thanks, Nyquil.

Rainbow Dash

The Mane Six

And…

The Cutie Mark Crusaders in…

"Cutie Mark Crusader... What Now's?"

By: A Very Ashamed Author Named Aquarian Poet

Peaceful.

The tranquil city of Ponyville lay under a blanket of starlight, motionless and serene. The pale moon shone down from above, casting shadows and a soothing glow across the still setting. A light breeze glided in-between the trees and cottages, through the flaps of the empty market stalls and swaying the grassy fields.

The town was completely silent, save the crickets thrumming their nocturnal medley in asymmetric harmony, and the occasional clucking of a waking chicken in the far off distance from Sweet Apple Acres.

Peaceful.

…

"AWW, YOU COLT-FUCKING SHITFLANK!"

A collective groan could be heard from the center of Ponyville, from the houses surrounding the fountain square. Ponies tossed and turned, putting pillows over their heads and balls of cotton in their ears, vainly attempting to drown out the ear-splitting howls of rage and fury.

"COCK-MUNCHING MULE-FUCKER!"

A fair number of ponies drearily trotted to their windows, and looked up through the darkening sky, towards the source of the noise. A cloud-castle was drifting lazily above, dimly adorned with pools of rainbows and puffy columns. A fine piece of property, many ponies would give their right hoof just to live in such a striking abode.

"SHIT! FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK-FUCK!

Nearly all of them wanted the whole thing to burn. Residents included.

"ASS-BALLING CU-"

"RAINBOW DASH, SHUT UP!"

The rainbow-maned pony glared ahead, ignoring the southern-accented cry of annoyance from the large cloud couch behind her, where her five best friends sat in silence, watching the display on the large, flat cloud in front of them.

"Why does she keep yelling like that?" asked a gentle-voiced Fluttershy, after uncovering her sensitive ears.

Twilight Sparkle coughed next to her, blushing lightly. "Beat's me. All I understood was 'mother' and 'colt'. And 'flank'. Yeah, I… *ahem*… I don't get it."

"Rainbow Dash! You're going to wake the girls if you keep yelling obscenities like that!" an irate Rarity hissed from Fluttershy's other side.

"Good golly, where did she learn those words?" asked Applejack, shaking her Stetson-clad head from beside Rarity, who snorted in agreement and contempt.

"What are we doing again? And where's Pinkie Pie? She was supposed to be back a half an hour ago." Twilight asked, yawning and looking out of a cloudy window, the front of the property devoid of any hot air balloons.

Rainbow Dash spoke up from the floor in front, pounding her hooves on a large, plastic contraption, pock-marked with buttons and levers.

"I told you, I'm showing you guys my new XBuck! Pretty slick, huh?"

"I don't think any of us understand what that is, Rainbow." Twilight responded, eyes half-open in apathy.

"Ugh, it's one o' them high-class waste-your-time-an'-waste-a-dime contraptions my brother got last year. Sold a hay'uva lotta apples from last year's bumper crop and bought the darn thing." Applejack interjected, huffing.

"Yeah, Big Macintosh gave me a beta code for Modern Warmare 3, it's pretty sweet."

"…I still don't get it. It's a game?"

"Yeah, you run around, and try to kill as many ponies as you can, without getting killed yourself."

Fluttershy frowned, lowering her head slightly. "That sounds awful."

Rainbow Dash groaned. "They're not real ponies. Just programs that- YEAH, HEADSHOT! C'mere, lemme show you my VIC-TO-RY DANCE! UH! YEAH! TAKE IT!

The four ponies stared at the screen while the pixilated, rainbow-maned avatar began a series of… questionable movements over the dead soldier-stallion's body.

"That pony... looks just like my brother." Applejack stated, eye twitching as she stared forward in disbelief. "What the hell kinda game is this?"

"Is t-that… what you're supposed to do after you… k-kill them?" Twilight stammered, pointing at the screen in revulsion.

"Nope, just for fun. Makes the other pony mad."

Fluttershy sat there, watching the screen with nary a facial movement.

"I still don't get it."

Rarity snickered from beside her.

"Alright, time to get dirty. Lessee… Sleight of Hoof, no wait! One Pony Army… yeah, that'll teach him! Okay then, down the tunnel, load the tube…"

*click…*

Rainbow Dash's eyes widened. "Oh fu-"

*BOOM!*

"-CKING FILLY-SPANKING CU-"

"RAINBOW DASH!"

"Suck me OFF, APPLEJACK! GODDESSES, I SWEAR THIS HOOFJOB KEEPS ON SETTING… wait a second."

Rainbow Dash paused, sitting up and staring at the screen. After a moment, she turned back toward the orange pony who she was addressing, coughing into a hoof.

"That 'hoofjob' was your brother."

"…say what now?" Applejack asked, lowering an ear and tilting her head in confusion.

"Yeah, look at the name. 'BigMacHeartAttack'."

Twilight snickered into her hoof.

"…well ain't that somethin'."

*Bleep Bloop!*

"Oh, he just sent me a message. Here, lemme play it." the rainbow pony grumbled, unplugging her headset and pressing a button on the controller, prompting a deep voice to emerge from the large, puffy speaker system.

"…Eeeeeeeyup."

…

"Oh you COCKY SON OF A B-"

"RAINBOW DASH!"

"Applejack, GO STICK AN APPLE UP YOUR…"

"Hey, what's goin' on down here?"

…

All five ponies slowly turned their respective heads towards the gentle voice. From the doorway, three small fillies cutely rubbed their eyes. Rarity sighed, the distraught fashionista shaking her purple mane in distress.

"Sweetie Bell, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo… you should all be in bed."

"We was." Replied Apple Bloom, sniffing. "Rainbow Dash's yellin' woke us up."

"Yeah, tell her to keep it down, sis." Sweetie Bell piped up, wearily clutching a blanket. Scootaloo stared at the flickering display.

"What are you guys doi-"

*PIT PIT!*

"GODDESS-CLOPPING COCK-SUCKER!"

"Rainbow!" Applejack cried, horrified. "The children are right there for Celestia's sake!"

"Cock… sucker? What's a cock? Is it like… one o' them cock-a-thingies we saw in the forest?" Apple Bloom asked, the other two staring alongside her in confusion. Twilight spit out her drink, blushing outrageously red. As Applejack and Rarity attempted to stammer out an incoherent explanation, Rainbow Dash turned to face them, grinning.

"Oh, it's this cool little horn thing that grows between a stallion's legs." She replied nonchalantly. Applejack and Rarity started choking, gawking at the pegasus pony in mute horror.

"Whoa, that sounds kinda cool." Scootaloo stated, drowsily. "What does it do?"

"Well, not much. But sucking on one's a great way to get your cutie mark!" Rainbow Dash chuckled, the three girls perking up at the last two words.

"CUTIE MARK?" the three cried in unison.

"RAINBOW!" the two older sisters shouted. But the three ponies in the doorway paid them no attention.

"Sweetie Bell, Scootaloo…" Apple Bloom started, looking sideways at her fellow blank-flanked comrades, who were sporting matching grins.

"We gotta go find ourselves a COCK!" Apple Bloom shouted triumphantly, raising a hoof into the air. All three of them took a deep breath, and before either of the elder sisters could say anything…

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER COCKSUCKERS! YAY!" they shouted, running down the hallway, and out the front door.

"APPLE BLOOM!"

"SWEETIE BELL!"

Rainbow Dash had fallen on the floor in tears, howling with mirth as the orange and white ponies rushed after the excitable fillies. After a moment of awkward silence, Twilight leaned down towards Rainbow Dash, her face glowing a bright shade of red.

"You realize that they're going to murder you when you get back, don't you?"

"Probably. But it's true, don'tcha know. How do you think Vinyl Scratch got her cutie mark? She sucked some guy off so well, the sap started singing! Heck, she introduced me to the guy, and he wouldn't even look me in the eye! I mean, can you believe…"

"PINKIE PIE, STOP THEM! THEY'RE TAKING THE BALLOON!"

"APPLE BLOOM, GET BACK HERE!"

"QUICK! BREAK OFF A PIECE OF THAT CLOUD! I'LL GO FIND A FAN!

"HURRY!"

Fluttershy sat quietly on the couch, completely unsure of what to make of the situation.

On cue, an obtrusively pink pony walked into the room, a half-masticated, meaty object hanging from her mouth.

The three ponies left looked at her.

She looked back at them.

"What is…where did you-"

"Nothing."

The three ponies continued to stare at her.

Pinkie Pie started chewing.

The three ponies looked away.

She dropped the penis on the floor.

Shook her pink ass like a whore,

Open the door, get on the floor,

Everybody walk the dinosaur.

FIN.

I really, sincerely hope you enjoyed this fine work of art. God knows I did.

Not really.

All levity aside, I've got "The Rainbow Effect" about 1/2 of the way done!

But I've barely even touched "Fluttershy's Poem" (grumble), due to the lack of enthusiasm surrounding the soon-to-be spectacular series, but I have started another piece of work in honor of National Pony Writing Month. You should be seeing it sometime soon on "Equestria Daily", once I get to finishing it. (Oh WAIT… probably not.)

Also, my writing schedule is still shot, so I can't even begin to guess when I'll be finishing that story. It could be two weeks, it could be a month! Either way, keep a lookout for the next set of updates. The final chapter is going to set off the fireworks!

IN OTHER NEWS:

(Inhales) Some Indian explorers canceled a temple excavation because of some cobra curse that would kill their families, Libya has issues, gold is the new turquoise, I might be getting a laptop, Fallout Equestria: Chapter 39 made me cry (goddamnit), and apparently wearing socks inhibits my ability to write. Now that I know, this job will get much easier.

Socks. Suck. Free toes forever.

Well, thanks for reading this… story. Geez, I can barely even call it that. More like… digitally-visual noise. With plot.

Anyways, feel free to review, and let me know EXACTLY what you thought of this. Hold nothing back.

I'll be waiting in my bunker.