Author Note: The cure in is in sight – hold on Hope!

RH

Chapter 03 – Crying Shame

RH

Candace covered her mouth in shock while Burt and Jimmy exploded in a case of the giggles. Virginia tried to keep a straight face as she rushed to the floor where Maw Maw was trying to sit up yet keep her bra from falling off. "Where am I?" She looked at her granddaughter and asked, "Am I dancing at the USO again? Where's Bob?"

Candace dared to ask, "Bob Hope?"

Maw Maw looked over at the stranger, "Of course. I always save a special dance for Bob. He's so generous to take his show on the road for our boys in uniform." She looked down at her polyester slacks and white Maidenform bra, "Where's my uniform? Oh dear, I think my show comes on later!"

Virginia helped the old woman to her feet and smiled apologetically to their guest, "I think you're right Maw Maw…I'll make sure Bob calls you when it's your turn."

Maw Maw put a hand on the growing goose egg that was forming between her eyes. Burt tossed a bag of frozen corn to his wife who caught it easily and gently pressed the cold veggies against Maw Maw's forehead. "I think you may want to take an aspirin and lay down for a few minutes."

The older woman looked at Candace as if she knew her and opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was, "A nap sounds good."

Burt breathed a sigh of relief when his wife and her grandmother disappeared from the kitchen. "Sorry Candy. Maw Maw has a bit of….old timer's disease and forgets where she is sometimes. Hell, she even forgets her family."

Candy poured some Bordeaux in a goblet and said nothing about the small chip in the glass. "It's fine Burt. My own grandmother had Alzheimer's – at least your Maw Maw has a loving family to take care of her."

Burt formed the words Al's Heimer with his mouth but it still didn't make sense. Oh well! "Let's eat! Virginia would kill me if I didn't serve up while it was hot."

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The ancient wine quickly broke the ice. The adults relaxed and Jimmy experienced his first really pleasant taste of wine. Not like the cheap "whine" coolers from Barney's market. This was nice and he had a good buzz going on. As long as he didn't look at Candy's chest, the evening and conversation made him feel like a real adult for a change – it was great!

"….and then Paul Newman asks me to stop by his trailer…." Candy winked knowingly and Burt looked at his wife. "Paul Newman? Isn't that the spaghetti sauce guy?"

Virginia frowned, "No…I think he made the salad dressing we bought last week."

Candy rolled her eyes. "Darlings…Paul was an actor BEFORE he started selling food products. Haven't you ever seen the film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?"

All three Chance family members shook their heads in the negative. Candy sighed, "What about Cool Hand Luke?"

Again - No. She closed her eyes and thought of something more recent. "Okay…how about the Disney animated movie Cars?"

Jimmy got excited. "Doc! I remember some guy named Paul used his voice for Doc Hudson!" Burt snapped his fingers, "Yeah! I remember that! Although I have to confess…Lightning McQueen was my favorite."

Candy was relieved that the family finally got a grasp on who she was talking about. She was about to continue her story when a wailing baby cry stopped her in her tracks. She looked at Virginia. "I thought Jimmy was your only child – you have a baby?"

Virginia's eyes got big. "Me? A baby? No way! That's Jimmy's daughter." Jimmy nearly withered under the scrutiny of Candace's brilliant blue eyes. "Uh…guilty. Excuse me while I go get her."

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"Shhh…it's okay, daddy's here. Did you loose your chewy thing?" Hope was sitting up in her crib, her little pink cap falling off her head. She shook her head no and cried even harder. Tiny fingers were twisting her dollies head. Jimmy didn't know what to do. The waffles were gone, the Tylenol was out – how could he take a crying baby to the store when his dad's most important – and sexy client – was in the living room?

Jimmy picked up his little girl and bounced her against his shoulder which only caused her to wail louder. The decibel level of Hope's cry was almost as loud as the ambulance racing down the street. He paced the floor talking softly unaware of the green snot bubble that was sticking to his shirt. Hope's tears dampened his shoulder but he walked his daughter and suddenly stopped at the door.

"Little Jimmy. Shame on you!" Candace stood in the doorway with crossed arms. "You should have told me you have a child. Give me that baby."

Jimmy looked at the porn star and replied, "Uh…no?"

Candy gave him a withering glare and scooped the crying baby from his arms, wiped the tiny nose and laid Hope gently against her supple, supersized bosoms. "Men! Didn't your baby books tell you how to take care of a teething baby? Go get my makeup bag."

Hope looked at her father and pointed towards the door and said, "Go!" Candy smiled and smoothed the feather soft hair. "That's right sweetheart. Men are good for fetching things." She looked at Jimmy, "You're still here? Get that makeup bag!"

Virginia was washing plates as Jimmy walked in the kitchen. "Wow! You got her to stop crying fast! What did you do this time?"

Jimmy hung his head, "I let the movie star hold her." Burt's head shot up, "What? Ms Barre is holding my grand baby girl? Virginia – where's the Polaroid camera?"

Virginia threw her sponge in the sink. "You are NOT taking a picture of the Beauty and the Baby."

Burt looked a little put out. "Why not? It's for Hope's baby book." Burt looked over his shoulder at his son and whispered, "…and for me to look at la-ter!"

Jimmy smiled as Virginia smacked her husband's arm. "You are a goof - a great big wonderful loveable goof." She gave Burt a hug. "But you are not looking at that picture later." She smirked at her son. "The Polaroid is in Maw Maw's room."

Jimmy really didn't want to venture into goose-egg Maw Maw's bedroom so he looked at the floor and found the expensive purse. His mom gasped. "Jimmy! What the hell are you doing? You never go into a woman's bag!"

"Mom, she told me to bring her makeup bag to the bedroom. I don't even know what a makeup bag looks like!"

Virginia smiled happily, "I would be SO glad to help you there my boy." She didn't want to tell anyone that her fingers had been itching to see what was in the designer handbag. The D &C "Miss Sicily" was tan and the gold tone fasteners shone warmly in the kitchen light. Gingerly, Virginia moved the leather top handle aside and lifted the front flap. She sighed at the smell of the leather and delighted in the faux leopard lining. The purse reeked of luxury. Jimmy coughed uncomfortably and she quickly reached in and pulled out a matching makeup bag.

"Here you go. Do not breathe on it." She cautioned.

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Hope's little eyes were wide with unshed tears. The pretty lady with the strange colored hair was dancing her around the room and humming a curious little melody. It was a happy tune and comforted the teething baby.

Jimmy was sort of disconcerted at the sexy dance Candy was doing while holding his daughter, but he definitely knew the "Wheels on the Bus" tune! He set the makeup bag in Candace's outstretched palm and sang, "….round and round….round and round…." Candy gave him that withering glance and the tune died in his throat.

He watched as she pulled a tube of lipstick or something out of her bag. How did she know what she was doing without seeing? Candy squeezed the contents of the tube onto the tip of her finger and stuck it in Hope's mouth. Instantly, his daughter stopped crying and laid her check against those monstrously sized breasts.

Candy was massaging Hope's gums and murmuring something lyrically all the while continuing the dance. Pink drool spilled from his daughter's lips onto Candy's white flesh and the actress said, "Aha! We cut through the gum! That little toothy is not going to hurt this pretty little darling anymore!"

Maw Maw stood in the doorway. "If all it took was a pair of dirty pillows to calm the child, I have a pair of 85 year old ones right here!"

Burt was mesmerized as the pinkish drool that ran into the soft cleavage. Virginia whacked her husband on the air. "What did you do that stopped her crying?"

Candy smiled and tossed the tube to Virginia. "Anbesol. My ex used to get canker sores and this stuff numbs the gums. Little Hope here just needed to cut that gum and tomorrow she'll be as happy as can be."

Jimmy was amazed. All Hope really needed was a big breasted jiggly woman to dance his daughter to sleep. No more crying. No more pain. Why DIDN'T the baby books say anything about that?

A bright flash lit up the room. Burt looked a bit embarrassed, "Er…sorry, it's for Hope's baby book. She can look back later and see that the famous Candace Barre helped her cut a tooth."

Virginia was skeptical about the reasons for the photo but allowed Burt to have his shining moment of glory.

Maw Maw however wasn't fooled. "Look at these." She said lifter her blouse to show the group her own set of 85 year old "dirty pillows." "Next time let the kid cry and I will comfort her."

Burt cringed at the thought. Candy laid the sleeping child in her crib and wiped up the drool with one of Jimmy's tee shirts that lay over the back of a chair. "Now that the baby's asleep, shall we finish dinner?"

Virginia liked this no-nonsense actress. "Yes we shall and may I say the Bordeaux is excellent?"

Burt looked at his son who only shrugged. Jimmy was wondering about this miracle cure called Anbesol! Still, Hope looked peaceful for the first time in days and in the end, isn't that what every dad wants?

Oh, and his own personal set of "dirty pillows"!

RH

Three Months Later

The wine cellar was cool. Burt expertly swirled the burgundy colored liquid around in his glass. Virginia admired the silky smoking jacket Burt wore as he sniffed and tasted the wine.

"Burt…I feel so rich!" Virginia confessed. "I didn't know wine could make me this relaxed. I think this is from the year I graduated Junior High!"

Candy swept into the room with a drooling sleeping Hope Chance perched on her chest. "That was a sharp tooth!" she exclaimed. A bandage was wrapped around the tip of her finger.

Burt laughed, "Candy, what do we owe you for the teething treatment?"

The older woman laughed, "One free mowing session and I'll call it even."

Jimmy ran down the cellar steps. "Dad! I finally found out who Paul Newman is!" Burt looked at his son, "He's the spaghetti sauce guy!"

"No," Virginia corrected, "He's the salad dressing guy!"

Jimmy shook his head, "No dad – remember that movie where that girl washed that dirty car in front of those chain gang guys?"

Burt snapped his fingers, "That was Handsome Luke Skywalker!"

Jimmy shook his head, "No – THAT was Paul Newman. There's a picture upstairs of Candy and Paul kissing."

Candace smiled – she was glad she had met this odd family with their little quirks and innocence. Baby Hope was a delightful girl who had cut two more teeth on a Barre finger. Jimmy was a sweet and caring father.

Maybe he'd be interested in dating her lovely niece Amber. Candy's sister's daughter had a pair of "dirty pillows' that could match Pamela Anderson's any day!

This actress wasn't done with this family.

Not by a long shot.

The End.