I do not own any character, location, or pretty much any other noun in this story. Or do I? (no.)

Hello. You are about to read about the tale of the time a young author playing a game while occasionally making jokes about it, possibly because your time is meaningless, or you desperately want to know that somebody is more pathetic than you. In any case, the story begins in a local Gamestop™, where a young, attractive lad who doesn't look half bad in his tinier-than-average shorts is purchasing a video game.

THE AUTHOR – I'd like to buy this copy of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door please.

EMPLOYEE – Paper Mario? Did you just escape from 2005?

THE AUTHOR - *disgruntled face*

EMPLOYEE – Whatever, would you like to get a membership card with that purchase?

THE AUTHOR – No.

EMPLOYEE – How about a subscription to Sweaty Palms Monthly?

THE AUTHOR – No.

EMPLOYEE – Well then would you like….

45 minutes later, the offers ceased and THE AUTHOR was allowed to go home. Upon starting the game up, THE AUTHOR is greeted with a short narrative about the backstory of the game.

NARRATOR – First there was a nice town, now there's a shitty one. Also treasure.

THE AUTHOR – Awesome.

PRINCESS PEACH – This town smells like sadness and poo.

? – Missy? Come have a look at my wares.

The princess turns to see a small figure in the shadiest cloak imaginable. She clutches her rape whistle, and walks over to the small shop.

POSSIBLE RAPIST – Doesn't this small box look completely bitchin?

PEACH – Totally.

POSSIBLE RAPIST – It will only open for somebody who is pure of heart, plus I got peanut butter or something in the lock and it's starting to get moldy. If you can open it you can keep it.

PRINCESS PEACH is capable of opening the box, a fact which surprises nobody. A bright light comes out of it, and unleashes the title screen.

THE AUTHOR is then tasked with naming his save file. After 15 minutes of careful thought, he snaps his fingers and excitedly enters the word "BALLS" into the game.

THE AUTHOR – Tee hee hee! *high-fives self*

The game opens on the outside of the Mario Brothers' home. A mail-parakoopa is delivering a letter to the mailbox outside.

PARAKARRY – I'm making my cameo out here! Also, mail.

LUIGI makes himself useful by fetching the letter for his brother.

LUIGI – It's a letter from Peach, bro. Want me to read it to you?

Before MARIO could deliver the response he had planned ("No, I can read. Go make me a sandwich."), the taller brother began reading.

LETTER – Hey Mario, come to Rogueport and we'll celebrate the third day in a row that I haven't been kidnapped. Also, for some reason I sent you a treasure map too.

MARIO, seeing an excuse to leave the pathetic two-room house he shares with his brother, takes the map and sets off for Rogueport. We cut to a ship that's sailing under both the sky and the title.

THE AUTHOR, who is kind of stupid (though very attractive), spends an unbelievable amount of time watching the ship until he realizes that he's supposed to press a button. He then neatly cuts off this chapter just before the prologue starts.

Be sure to do that review thingy to send the author compliments, insults, nitpicky grammar things, apologies for said insults, consoling the author's tears, agreements to be BFFs with the author so that he'll finally stop crying, or compliments.