Cold

The only reason you did most anything back then was to impress Alison. You were dying to be just like her.

Ok fourth chapter, only one more left. Again serious stuff here people. This, unlike all the other chapters, picks up right after the last one ended and the one after this will do the same.

You stop to glare at Caleb before turning around. You don't want him to see you this pathetic. You're physically shaking. You're so very cold that layers and layers of thick sweaters and heavy coats can't keep you warm enough. You just want out of this situation. Because you know that if you could pull yourself back into Caleb's arms and snuggle against his warm chest you wouldn't be so cold.

You fidget with the buttons on your coat.

Oh come on please.

You beg your fingers to cooperate with you long enough to button up enough to walk out to your car. If you could just get to your car before you broke. Your frail fingers can't even button a God damn coat. You give up on the coat and just pulled it around you tightly.

Your exposed fingers feel like they might snap when you step out into the cold air. Breathing it in burns your chest and you regret your wish for summer to be over and winter to be cold. You thought you would be able to hide your progress better under lots of layers but it's not worth being so cold to the bone. No one else seems to see it as progress. They all think it's sick and disgusting and you know better. You know they're just jealous of you. They want you to stop because you're so close to body perfection you can almost reach out and take it.

You're cold down in your bones and no number of coats could ever be thick enough to warm you up. You pull on layer after layer of sweaters and thermal long sleeve shirts. You try to still look pulled together but it's easier not to. It's easier not to draw too much attention to yourself. A did enough of that. Now you convince yourself that the old Hanna is gone and the new Hanna doesn't need people. You can rely on yourself and only yourself-but that doesn't mean you don't care about others. You still love people; you just don't trust them enough to let them know how much you truly care.

"Come to the grille tonight-alone-or you lose everyone starting with Caleb. –A"

You read the text quickly and don't grasp its meaning at first. All you really need to know is that A knows your secret and is using it against you. So of course you make a plan to go tonight and go alone. Sure you may not still technically be with Caleb but that doesn't mean you care any less. You have just gotten really good at putting up facades to hide what you're feeling. If they can't see it written on your face, maybe they can't use it against you anymore. They will think you are strong again and they won't see how close you are to crumbling under the pressure.

You go alone and stand shivering outside in the darkness, away from the street lamps that bring attention to you. When a dark car pulls up, you use every ounce of determination you have left to stop shaking long enough to look and see who it is.

"Get in before you freeze to death," he growls from inside the car.

"Caleb, no. You can't be here. You have to leave," you stutter, partially because of the cold and partially because of your nerves.

"Why?" he asks, obviously aware of your reasoning, and reaches across to open the passenger's side door.

"Hanna I sent that text. I'm A. Now get in the car," he continues when you don't give him an answer.

When you get in the car, he turns up the heat because he sees you try to suppress the shivers. You think it's an unnecessary gesture and focus on anything but how much you want to reach across the console and kiss him.

Twenty minutes later, pulls the car into a dark parking spot on the other side of town. He turns the car off but leaves it on enough so the heat keeps going. He turns to face you and you shake under his glare.

"Hanna, look at me. You can't keep doing this to yourself," he begs, reaching out to run his hand down your face.

"Don't touch me. You have no idea what is going on in my life," you quip. You jerk away at his touch. He can't touch you. No one can touch you. You don't deserve affectionate touches like what he is trying. You aren't there yet.

"Because you won't let me. You cut me out of your life," he begins with a sigh.

"No. You're the one who broke up with me completely out of the blue," you interrupt.

"I broke up with you after you had already stopped telling me anything. Obviously there's another A but you didn't tell me about that. You were keeping secrets...like this," he explained pausing before continuing, "You have to stop this. You're killing yourself. You need help."

"You don't have any idea what you're talking about. Just leave me alone. A is gonna find out and use it against me and hurt you again. A was the one who ran your mom off the road just because I thought about telling you. What do you think they would do if they found out you actually knew," you bark before turning to glare out the window. If you knew you could make it home and Caleb wouldn't follow you, you would have started walking by now.

"I'm not asking your permission Hanna. I'm going to help you," he says leaning over to kiss you and suddenly you can't breathe. Your breath just gets stuck in your throat and it's like you're choking on air.

"Hanna, I still love you," he whispers in your ear as his hands find yours. Your heart is pounding in your chest but that doesn't stop him from kissing you harder. It feels so good to be wanted again. You can't stop and even if you could you wouldn't want to.

His hands are roaming your body and you're moving to the backseat together before you realize what's happening. He pulls off your thick coat leaving you in a tight sweater he pulls off you too. The tight shirt you had underneath reveals your ribcage and your fears come rushing back to you. Obviously it isn't fair that he had you down so many layers while he still has his sweatshirt on. You pull it over his head, hoping it distracts him from your disgusting body. But it doesn't. His fingers have found their way into the dips between your ribs. And his eyes search for yours.

When you meet his gaze you know he's not pleased with your progress.

"Hanna," he breathes as his eyes show the desperation in his voice.

"Just don't say it," you reply. You're too into the moment now. You can't let him ruin it. He's seen this much already.

But you can't make it much longer. You haven't eaten all day and the blackness is taking over your vision again. You just lay there and let him see your body for the disgusting, ugly thing it is while you lose control. You can barely hear him mumbling soft words into your ear and you can't command your mouth to form words. You give into the darkness.

When you come to, Caleb has put your coat around you and is carrying you inside your house. He takes you to your bed and pulls off your shoes. He tucks the blankets around you tightly (because you shivered a little when your frail body hit the cold sheets) and leaves.

You hear him wake up your mom.