Author's Note: I came up with the idea for this story quite awhile ago, well before Knockout aired. I read something that I thought was a spoiler but turned out not to be true. Before I knew that, though, the thought of it tormented me so much that I had to write this. If that makes any sense at all. It's kind of... an alternative take on the S3 finale, so pretend, for this, that none of the events of Knockout happened.

You're probably going to be confused... well, to be honest, for most of this chapter. You won't know exactly what's going on until the end, but this chapter will pretty well set up the rest of the story, so the confusion will end shortly. I promise.

What happens when everything you thought you were working for is suddenly ripped away? The same thing that led to your success leads to your demise? Nikki Heat had worked her whole life to be a cop, to bring her mother's killer to justice. Finally she'd achieved her primary goal, but doing so had ripped away her means of getting to it. She was no longer a cop. And suddenly, she didn't know who she was.

He slammed his laptop closed when he reached the end of the paragraph, because it wasn't Nikki Heat he was thinking about. Nikki Heat didn't worry him. At the end of the day, at the end of the book, he always knew that Nikki Heat was going to be okay. He'd never let anything happen to her. Kate Beckett was a little further from his control.

Again he tried to call her, but again she didn't answer. "Kate," he whimpered at his phone as it rang, "please pick up. Please talk to me." But it went to voicemail, and he hung up without leaving a message. He'd already left three.

He jumped when he heard the soft knock on the doorframe and Alexis appeared. "Dad?" she asked him, frowning, "You okay? You've been in here all afternoon."

He tried to paste a smile on his face for his daughter, but couldn't quite seem to get there. He shook his head. "Not really," he murmured. He hadn't told his family about his muse's fall. He hadn't felt that he should. It was Beckett's business. Not that that had ever stopped him before.

Alexis stepped inside, closing the office door behind her although they were the only two in the apartment, and made her way to his desk. "What happened?"

He pressed his lips together and shook his head.

"You can't tell me?" She sat down in a nearby chair.

"I don't think I should. Not yet."

"Is it about a case?"

"Not… exactly."

"Beckett?"

He nodded. "And she won't take my calls."

"Is she okay?"

"I doubt it. But she won't take my calls."

"Did you have a fight?"

"No. We're okay. At least, I thought we were. But—"

"—She won't take your calls," Alexis interrupted.

"Yeah."

"Did you leave a message?"

"Three."

Alexis rolled her eyes. "Dad… I'm sure she'll call you back. She's probably just busy."

He shook his head. "I don't think so."

"You really can't tell me what happened?" Alexis asked, starting to look worried herself. "I promise I won't tell anyone."

"It's not my news to tell."

She nodded. "But I'll find out eventually?"

"I'm sure you will."

His phone vibrated and he jumped, picking it up as quickly as he possibly could. But the number on the caller ID wasn't Beckett's. It was a number he didn't recognize. "I have to get this," he told his daughter before picking it up. "Castle."

"Castle, it's Lanie," the ME's voice came through the phone. "Do you know where Beckett is?"

"Her apartment, I presume."

"No, she's not. I'm here now. Esposito told me what happened and I came on my lunch break to check on her. I couldn't think of anywhere else she'd go, so I thought maybe she was with you."

His heart beat faster. "No, she's not with me. I've tried calling her but she won't pick up."

"For me either. Do you have any idea where she might be?"

"No, none. Damn it, where would she go?" As if it hadn't worried him enough that she wouldn't answer his calls, she wouldn't answer Lanie's either? Beckett was a grown woman who could certainly take care of herself, and maybe it was ridiculous that he was so worried, but considering recent events, he didn't like the idea that she'd fallen off the grid. "Did you try her dad?"

Apparently, neither did Lanie. "No," she said. "Good idea. I'll call him."

"Call me if you find her."

"I will. Call me if you find her first."

"I will." He heard the doorbell and his heart skipped a beat. "Lanie, wait. Someone's at the door. Hold on a sec."

"You think it's her?"

"I don't know." He had no reason to suspect that it would be besides a vague feeling in his gut. "Just hold on." He went to the door and opened it. Sure enough, Beckett was there on the other side. At least, some version of Beckett. "She's here," he said into the phone, breathing half a sigh of relief.

"Is she alright? Does she want me to come there?"

"It's Lanie," Castle explained to the very confused woman before him. He ignored Lanie's first question because all three of them already knew the answer, and went straight to her second. "Do you want her to come over?"

She shook her head. "Not now."

"Lanie? She'll talk to you later."

"Okay. Tell her I love her."

"I will. Bye." He hung up the phone and ushered Beckett inside. "Lanie says she loves you." He closed the door behind her.

She half-smiled. "Why were you talking to Lanie?"

"She went to see you on her lunch break but you weren't home, so she called me to see if I knew where you were." He realized that Alexis was standing near the doorway to his office, apparently hoping to watch unnoticed. "Alexis, go upstairs," he told her in the sternest dad-voice he had at his disposal. She obeyed without a word, and he turned back to Kate. "How are you?" He looked at her, her gorgeous long hair a little unkempt, her makeup never removed or redone since the last time he'd seen her the night before. "Sorry, stupid question." He nodded in the direction of his couch. "Let's sit down."

She nodded and took a seat on the couch. He did the same, leaving a respectful amount of space between them.

"What can I do?" he asked instead.

She shook her head, an expression on her face he'd never seen before. Hopelessness. He'd seen frustration, he'd seen sadness, he'd seen pain, but never had he seen her hopeless. It caused him physical pain somewhere deep within his chest. "I don't know. I don't know why I came here."

"You're welcome here any time," he told her earnestly. "No matter what. I'm glad you're here."

"Thanks," she said softly.

"Why weren't you answering your phone?"

She frowned and pulled it out of her pocket. "Oh," she said, pressing a button and getting no response. "I guess it died. I didn't really notice."

He smiled, feeling a mixture of sympathy and guilt. "When you charge it again, you might find that you have three different voicemail messages from me. Feel free to delete them."

"Castle," she said with a sound that got caught somewhere between a whimper and a laugh.

"I'm sorry, I was just worried."

"I'm okay," she said.

"No you're not."

She sighed. "Does Alexis know?"

"No. I didn't know if you'd want me to tell her, so I didn't. She knows something happened, but she doesn't know what."

Beckett nodded. "I appreciate that. But you can tell her if you want. Everyone's going to have to find out sooner or later."

"Okay." He saw her try to stifle a yawn. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

She shook her head. "I don't think so."

"Beckett…"

She cut him off. "I'm not Beckett now, Castle," she said, eyes tearing. "I'm just Kate."

He sighed, both frustrated and saddened by the way this had affected her. "Hey," he said gently, no matter what happens, you're still Beckett. Kate Beckett. Nothing can change that. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. You're an extraordinary woman."

She didn't blush or smile, didn't even tell him to shut up. It was almost as if she hadn't heard him at all. "Castle…" she finally murmured, "…I could lose my job. I could lose my badge. Who would I be then?"

"Then," he said softly, "you would still be Kate Beckett. And you would still be extraordinary."

"I just don't know what I'd do. I've never really thought about what I'd do if I wasn't a cop. My job was my life. I… I could lose everything."

"No," he said firmly. "Not everything."

"I mean," she continued, again ignoring him, "I don't even really have any friends outside work."

"Not true. Where's Josh?"

"Who knows? South America, I think. What does it matter? He isn't here. He's never here."

"Well, it matters if you're in a relationship with him."

She shook her head.

"Wait, you're not?" He tried not to ask too eagerly. Now was obviously not the time.

She shook her head again.

"Since when?"

She shrugged. "Month or so ago, I guess."

"A month ago? And you didn't feel the need to share this information with the class?"

She rolled her eyes. "Last I checked, my personal life was personal."

He looked into her slowly leaking eyes, and though he doubted the tears had anything to do with Josh, he realized that now probably wasn't the time to get frustrated with her. "Sorry. You're right," he said instead, although he wasn't sure he agreed with himself. "It's just… you could've told me. I'm your friend. You can tell me what goes on in your life, and I can… help."

She frowned. "Lanie's my friend. You're my… Castle."

He smiled. "So I'm a large, luxurious stone building where you live like a queen?"

She sighed, but he could've sworn he caught a trace of a smile on her lips. "You're so annoying."

"Hey, I didn't ask you to come here. It's your own fault you're subjected to my annoyingness."

"You want me to leave?"

"Did I say that?"

She shook her head.

"Do you want to leave?"

She shrugged. "Not really."

He nodded. "Then don't. Anything I can do?" he asked again.

She shook her head. "I just… my whole life was about catching my mother's killer."

"I know. And you did."

She smiled through her tears, remembering the glory surrounding her defeat. "I did."

"Well… what more do you need the badge for now?"

She rolled her eyes. "I don't know, maybe to earn a living?"

"Get a new job."

"You say that like it's so easy. I went to school, trained, to be a cop. What else can I do? Flip burgers?"

"No, I don't know." He wracked his brain for more applicable ideas. "Bounty hunter. Private investigator."

"Not exactly my style."

He smirked. "Dominatrix."

"Castle."

"Ah, almost got a smile out of that one." He smiled, and then shook his head. "It'll be okay. You're New York's finest cop. Taking your badge away would be a disservice to the city."

"Okay, even if that's true, it doesn't mean it couldn't happen. Things happen that aren't fair, Castle. They happen every day."

He nodded. "You're right. You're absolutely right." Beckett was much too well-acquainted with the world to buy any kind of sugar-coated encouragement. "If it does happen, don't think of it as your life ending, think of it as an opportunity to start a new one. You'll be able to do whatever you want."

"No I can't. I don't have the qualifications for anything else."

"So go back to school."

"I'm too old for that."

"No you're not. A lot of adults go back to school."

"How? Like I have all this extra money lying around that I don't know what to do with?"

"You may not, but I know someone that does."

"Castle…"

"What? You had a setback. A big one, sure, but what else are friends for? I've got you covered until you get back on your feet, whatever you decide to do. I'll take care of you."

She shook her head. "That's so sweet, but I couldn't accept it."

"I'm not asking you to accept anything. I'm telling you I've got your back. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. After the hearing, before the hearing, at the hearing… or right now."

"I can't—"

He interrupted her. "Sure you can. Now, tell me what you need."

"I don't know what I need."

He studied her tired face carefully. If she didn't know what she needed, he'd figure it out for her. "You need sleep and perspective," he finally diagnosed.

"Well, it's the middle of the afternoon. I can't sleep. But I would settle for some perspective."

He nodded. "Okay, here it is." He looked deeply into her eyes, and she turned away. "Hey. Look at me."

She met his eyes again with a sigh.

"You, Katherine Beckett, are a brilliant, beautiful, and talented woman. You have already done great things with your life, and you will continue to do great things if that's what you wish. It doesn't matter if you're a cop or you're not. The hearing is in two weeks. You might be reinstated. You might not. Or maybe the hearing will go smoothly, they'll be willing to give you your badge back, but you'll decide that it's not what you want anymore. Any of these things could happen, and any outcome could be for the best. All you really need is time to figure out what you want the rest of your life to be. That, you have. And during that time, I and several other people I could name will be there for you in every way you allow us."

She nodded.

"Did that help?"

She shrugged. "A little. Thanks."

He heard footsteps on the stairs, and turned around to see that Alexis was coming down. "Am… I allowed to be here?" she asked a little awkwardly when she saw that he saw her.

He turned to Beckett for her answer. She looked a little embarrassed, but she smiled. "Of course. It's your house. Come here. You should know what's going on."

Somewhat reluctantly, Alexis finished descending the staircase and joined her father and the former detective in the living room, on her own chair. Castle tried to make eye contact with her, but she was looking only at Beckett. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"I've… been better," Beckett admitted.

The tears that had subsided reappeared in Kate's eyes, and tentatively, Castle touched her shoulder. She didn't push him away.

"What happened?" the teenager asked, concern showing on her face.

She swallowed. "I lost my badge."

Alexis's pity turned to shock. "Like… completely?"

"No," Castle cut in. "Not completely. Not permanently. She'll have a hearing in two weeks, and they'll decide how to proceed from there."

"But… why? How?"

"I'll let your dad explain it later," Beckett answered. "Right now I really just don't want to talk about it. Actually, I should probably be going."

She started to stand up, but Castle pulled her back down. "No, stay here. You already said you won't sleep, and I won't have you spending the whole day alone. Today was going to be a lazy day for Alexis and me anyway. Hang out with us."

"Castle, it's fine. I don't want to impose."

"You're not imposing. And at this point I won't take no for an answer."

She raised her eyebrows defiantly. "Oh, you won't?"

Alexis cut in before Castle could argue any further. "Detective Beckett, please, stay."

The woman seemed to deflate as she sank back into the couch. "Alexis, please just call me Kate."

Alexis blushed and looked at the floor, realizing her mistake. "Sorry." She picked her head back up. "Will you stay, though?"

Kate nodded. "I'll stay."

"She asleep?" Alexis mouthed to her father about twenty minutes into the movie they'd started watching.

Castle glanced briefly at the woman beside him and nodded. He hadn't needed to look at all. He'd been watching her more carefully than the movie, and had known at the exact moment she'd drifted off.

Alexis got up and nodded for him to follow her. Standing up carefully so he didn't wake Beckett, who as much as she could claim otherwise did need her rest, he let his daughter lead him into his own study and softly closed the door behind them.

"So… what happened?" she asked.

"Finally caught her mom's killer," Castle explained.

She frowned. "But that's a good thing, isn't it? How did she lose her badge?"

"Well, when we found the guy, he was being a real…" he shuttered. "I don't even have the words. And even if I did, I'm sure I wouldn't want to use them with you here."

"Dad, I'm a big girl. I've heard swear words before."

"Yes, I know, but to accurately describe this jackass I'd have to get creative."

"What did he do?"

"Mouthing off, mostly. And we knew this was the guy that had killed her, really killed her, the one behind all of it, and Kate… she couldn't handle it. Got carried away. Montgomery told us not to go after him. That if we figured out where he was, to call him or Ryan and Esposito, but Beckett said it was something she had to do herself, and I respected that. I respected it, and now…"

"Dad, come on. It wasn't your fault."

"I tried to stop her, but I should've tried harder. I shouldn't have let this happen."

"It wasn't your fault," Alexis repeated.

"I called Montgomery. He sent the cops that got her in trouble. I shouldn't have… I should've protected her. At least made up some kind of story to explain the whole thing. It's what I do. It was just… I was so… afraid. I didn't want her to get hurt. He… He could've killed her."

"But he didn't. She's okay. Maybe calling when you did saved her life."

He shrugged. "I wish I could feel that way. She's so devastated. I've never known anyone who loved their job as much as she does, except maybe me, and to lose it… everything she's worked for, stripped away in a moment. I can't even imagine what that must feel like. And I have a very good imagination. I mean, she might be safe, but she isn't okay. I'm not sure it qualifies as saving someone's life if you ruin it in the process."

"It's hard to keep your job when you're dead. You didn't ruin her life. And like you said, there's still a hearing. Maybe everything will be fine."

"That's what I told her. And I told her I'd be there for her every step of the way, no matter what happens."

Alexis nodded. "Good. Me too. I mean, I doubt there's much I can do to help, but if there is, I want to."

He smiled. "I'm glad. I'll tell her that."

"Good. So, she's just going to hang out with us today?"

"Yes," Castle said firmly. "And she'll probably be around more often, at least for the next two weeks. That okay with you?" He was going to be there for Kate regardless, but having his daughter's blessing was important. If she didn't like the idea, he could at least try to be there for Kate at her apartment instead of his own.

"No, that's fine. I love Detective Beckett."

He pulled in air through his teeth. "Try to start calling her Kate, okay? Or Beckett if you have to, but drop the 'Detective' for a little while. It just upsets her."

Alexis nodded. "Right. Sorry. Kate." She looked at her father. "That sounds weird. Disrespectful or something."

He smiled, but it felt pained. "Sweetie, I doubt she sees it that way. We just… we want to make her feel better. Not worse."

She nodded. "This must be so hard for her. You really believe we can help?"

"I have to," he whispered. "And yes. I do."

A/N: I edited this about 30,000 times, so can you please just tell me it's good whether it is or not? *grimace*

I'm kidding, of course. Be honest. :) But please review!

The first scene of this actually changed A LOT from the original version as I edited it... the original was more Casketty, but probably less realistic. If anyone's interested, I'm not above putting a link to the original version somewhere... I don't know where yet, but PM me or something if you'd like to read it so I know if there's interest.