I had been wanting to use this title for well over a year now, but nothing seemed to jive. Then the other night at work, I was talking to a co-worker and she made the comment "a man needs to show up with flowers and chocolate; a woman just needs to show up naked with a six pack." Immediately, my brain started spinning a JJ/Hotch. I hope you like it.
Dedicated to Clem and Moon for making work that much more exciting. And to that one person who makes me feel like JJ does right now. I ain't mentioning any names.
Song prompt: "Typical Male" by Tina Turner
I don't own Criminal Minds…oh but wouldn't it be something to see Rossi giving relationship/sex advice to one of the women?
Typical Male
David Rossi always prided himself in being able to read people. Hell, he more than prided himself - that was his living. He was the best there was but something was amiss with his female co-worker that he couldn't put his finger on.
Three marriages should have clued him in that actions spoke louder than words. And JJ was definitely shouting by her actions. Unfortunately, her intended target was deaf. Either by choice or design, it was clear that Aaron Hotchner was the most clueless man on planet earth.
And perhaps the coldest.
After what JJ had worn to the office that morning, only a man with a soul made of arctic ice could have withstood the heat she was giving off. Hell, even Reid had a flush in his cheeks. But Hotch remained nonchalant. Not even Morgan's remark about "maybe the FBI should get maintenance out to check the A/C" got a reaction.
But the women knew. Em's smirk behind her hand and Pen's giggles and sly glances toward the pair let him know that Hotch needed more than a push in the right direction…he needed a good old fashioned kick in the ass. Especially if he missed the signal JJ had sent after popping the lollipop in her mouth. Dear Mother of God!
Except this time, he wanted to stay out of it. He didn't have a horse in the race and he had a book deadline to complete. The sex life - or rather the lack of a sex life - between his friends had no bearing on his life. Then he had to pass by JJ's office.
He should have ignored her. He should have kept walking. He should have learned a long time ago to keep his nose out of other people's business… Next time he was going to take his own advice, but tonight he needed to do something ASAP.
A light rap on the door, then he turned the knob. He wasn't waiting for an invite.
"JJ?" he asked out loud to the blonde who was resting her head on the desk.
"Go away," JJ's voice mumbled roughly.
"Do you want to talk?"
"No."
"I think you might need a sounding board."
"I need a board alright," JJ agreed. "Right along side my head. Maybe I can knock some sense into my thick skull."
Dave sat down on the chair across from her. "I wouldn't go to that extreme, Jen."
JJ lifted her head. "Hell, Dave. I practically embarrassed myself in front of the team today."
Dave scanned the beautiful, svelte blonde in the just shy of violating regs halter top and thigh length skirt. His old body slowly stirred to life. Swallowing hard…okay, maybe that was the wrong word to use at the moment. Clearing his throat, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was official: Aaron Hotchner was the stupidest man on planet earth.
"Well, Jen, from what I can remember, with the way you were dressed today, I think it was Derek who practically embarrassed himself."
JJ blushed fiercely. "Right reaction, wrong guy."
"Want to tell me the deep - er, the dark secret that you've been trying unsuccessfully to conceal?"
Pushing a lock of hair behind her ear, JJ looked Dave in the eyes. "There is nothing to tell."
"Bullshit." He watched his female co-worker blush again. "I'm a profiler and I can tell when someone is pissing on my boots and trying to tell me it's a rain storm. So, tell me what's going on, or I'm going to profile you."
JJ's shoulders slumped in defeat. "I got it bad for Hotch, but I give up. I've done everything I can think of to make the man notice me."
"Not everything," Dave quipped with barely concealed humour. "But today, you came pretty close."
JJ stood up and paced the room. "Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. I have worn my hair in more styles than what's in a magazine. I've worn clothes that I haven't worn since before Henry was born. Hell, I've bought cologne that promised to bring a man to his knees…"
"It did," Dave muttered under his breath. "The wrong man."
JJ stopped pacing. "What?"
Dave cleared his throat and reached for a folder on JJ's desk. "Nothing." He laid it in his lap and pretended to read.
"Are you listening?" JJ asked.
"What? Uh, yes. You were talking about cologne," he supplied quickly. He sent a quick prayer upward for the lessons learned from three ex-wives
JJ threw up her hands in frustration. "You got the signal. What's wrong with him? What am I missing?"
"He's a lawyer."
"What?" JJ stopped pacing.
"He needs things spelled out so he can make a logical decision."
JJ rolled her eyes. "Spell it out?"
"Well…he is a former prosecutor."
"I've done everything but sit on his face! What am I supposed to spell out? That he makes me hot and horny? That I'm acting like a teenage girl trying to get the attention of the football captain?"
Concentrate on the file, Dave, he lectured himself. "What did you have to do to get Will's attention?"
"The better question is what I didn't have to do. I felt used. And I guess that's why we're not together anymore."
"And now you've set your sights on Hotch. The chocolate bar on his desk?" Dave wondered aloud.
"Guilty."
"And the always ready cup of coffee…?" he mused.
JJ sighed heavily. "Yes."
"That beautifully crocheted blanket?"
"Afghan," she corrected hotly.
"Excuse me. Afghan."
"That's what I'm talking about! I've done everything."
Dave shifted his weight. "The lollipop was…definitely…the coup de grace." His jeans were suddenly two sizes too small as the memory flashed.
"Not for him!"
Dave snorted lightly. "Haley hurt him, you know that."
"I know," JJ replied softly. Her temper started to fizzle…some.
"And that has made him a little gun shy."
"Trust me, I've tried to be subtle." She shook her head in defeat. "I don't know what else to do."
Dave templed his long fingers and rested his chin against them. Tapping his chin in thought, he glanced up at the blonde who had nearly killed him…and was still wreaking havoc on his body. He knew that if what he told her didn't work, he was ready to chuck fifteen years of friendship with Hotch and jump JJ in a New York minute.
"This is just penny advice, so you can take it or leave it…but a wise man once told me that in order to win over a woman, a man has to show up with flowers and chocolates." He let that sink in for a moment before continuing.
"And to win over a man, a woman just has to show up naked with a six pack," he finished.
JJ's mouth dropped open as she tried to find a response. Then the words hit home.
Grabbing her coat and purse, she ran for the door. "Thank you!" Turning around, she threw a look at the older agent still sitting in the chair. "Are you going home?"
Dave pointed to the file. "I'm just…going to…uh, sit here for a while and finish reading the Morrison file."
"Okay. Oh, by the way, what does Hotch drink when it comes to beer?"
"Anything. It doesn't matter," he answered. JJ nodded and closed the door. "Because he's never going to drink it," he concluded to the empty room.
Closing his eyes, he breathed in deep. JJ's perfume tickled his nose. It was going to be a long night before he went home. Thank God for the stack of files.
~*~ Profiler's Choice 2011 Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds Community ~*~
Hosted by ilovetvalot and tonnie2001969
It is our pleasure to announce the Second Annual Profiler's Choice Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds community!
The nomination ballot is now available, and all rules are posted on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum! Nomination ballots must be received by October 15, 2011 and must be sent to this PM at Profiler's Choice CM Awards. Fics for consideration must have appeared on the CM section of between September 1, 2010 and August 31, 2011 (see rules for full details.)