This is my homophobic fic because as much as we'd all like it it's highly unlikely that half the village is gay and the rest are perfectly okay with it. It even features a straight Genma *gasp*

If anyone has a title they think would be good for this, leave me a review because I have no idea what to call it.

o0o

"This is so boring," Genma whined, spitting out his senbon and getting another bullseye. He kicked at the rug beside him bad-temperedly. "This village has sucked since that shit Danzo shut down the betting pool. Even Tsunade-sama won't go against him."

"Definitely," Asuma agreed, chugging his beer and setting it back down on the table with a little more force than necessary. "What's a jounin gotta do to have some fun around here?"

"It is pretty quiet," Raidou agreed.

"Much too quiet," Aoba added.

Anko grinned wickedly. Bringing the boys to her apartment and getting them drunk had been a splendid idea, if she didn't say so herself. "Why don't we start up an underground betting pool?" she suggested innocently. "I'm sure Tsunade-sama would love to be in on it."

Four heads swiveled to stare at her.

"I don't know," Raidou said slowly, "It seems a little risky."

"Looks like someone needs to grow some balls." Genma smirked, and spat his current senbon to thunk into the chair inches from Raidou's crotch. Raidou didn't flinch. "I'm in on that, even if Rai-chan is too pussy."

Raidou yanked the senbon out of his chair and threw it back to its owner, who somehow managed to catch it between his teeth with a grin. "Don't tempt me, Gen-chan," he snarled, then turned back to Anko. "What kind of bets are we talking about here, and who is involved?"

"Well, we could start with just us," she paused and looked at Asuma and Aoba, "Are you guys in on this?" They both nodded. "And then perhaps leak rumours to people who might be interested. Ebisu would be willing, I bet."

"Are we going from the old list, or starting a new one?" Genma asked, twirling his senbon with his tongue. "I can remember some of them, but not who placed what bets."

Anko shrugged. "We should probably start a new list. Based on dares, that seems fun, right?"

"If we're going for dares," Asuma said thoughtfully, "I'd like to see someone steal all Gai's spandex and replace it with a tutu."

Everyone else in the room cringed. "Are you serious?" Aoba spluttered. "He goes around showing enough man bulge already, thank you very much."

Genma and Raidou nodded in agreement, looking slightly green. Asuma held his hands up in mock surrender. "Alright, alright, I just thought it'd be worth a laugh."

Anko giggled. "That's not actually much of a dare. I bet if his 'Eternal Rival' dared him to have a cross-dressing competition he'd do it of his own accord."

Genma snorted. "Someone should tell Kakashi that. He'd happily forfeit a challenge for a chance to see Gai make a fool out of himself."

"Kakashi's not really a better, is he?" Raidou mused.

"Nah, not since we started betting on who could see under his mask first. He wasn't very happy about that," Genma said. "Why?"

"Well I reckon someone should try and steal his book. That would be more amusing than Gai showing more skin than usual."

Anko burst out laughing. "He'd go nuts if you stole his porn! Damn pervert doesn't go anywhere without it."

Aoba stared at Raidou dubiously. "I'd like to see that, but I don't know if it's actually possible. If he ever found out we took it, which he would because he's a damn genius, we'd be dead. That's if we manage to get it in the first place."

"I'll do it," Anko crowed, hoisting herself onto the table and pumping her fist in the air. "You can bet on how long you think it'll take me. My bet is three days."

"I say a week," Genma said, "But any days he's out on a mission overnight don't count."

"Twenty eight days," Aoba said, "If you can do it at all."

"Thirteen," Asuma put in.

Raidou smiled. "Nine days. And could we perhaps also bet on what his reaction is when he finds out it's gone?"

There was a sudden scrabbling for pens and paper. "Right. Lets make this official."

o0o

Surprisingly it only took four days for Anko to get the book. Kakashi was sitting on a hill just outside the village and seemed distracted, staring off into the middle distance at nothing, so she'd simply leaned against him, smiled coyly and batted her eyelashes. "Hey Hunky. Whatcha doing?"

"Hunky?" Kakashi snapped out of whatever he was thinking and stared blankly at her.

"Uhuh." She shuffled closer, hoping perhaps she could take him to bed and put to sleep the older bet about what was under the mask, even if she wouldn't get money for it. He was quite attractive after all, in an aloof, scarred way. She was quite partial to scars on a man.

Kakashi shifted away slightly. "I'm not interested."

"Oh please?" Anko pouted. "Just take me out to dinner, I'll even pay."

"I'm flattered," he didn't sound it, "But you're not my type."

"Could I make myself your type?" Anko asked, and henged into a busty blonde with only small strips of material covering the parts that counted.

Kakashi moved away even further. "That's worse." He actually had the gall to look disgusted.

"Oh, pretty please?" she begged, throwing herself on top of the unsuspecting jounin so her large breasts bounced in his face.

He squeezed his eye closed and tried to breathe properly. "Please get off Anko, I don't want to have to hurt you."

"Oh, but I like being naughty in the bedroom," Anko purred, slipping her hands up underneath his flak jacket. If she remembered correctly, he kept his book in a special waterproof pocket on the inside of it. "You can hurt me all you like."

She pushed into his crotch and wiggled her hips, trying to distract him as she slipped the little orange book out of its hiding place. She was really annoyed to feel that there was nothing hard in his pants at all. Stupid Copy-nin deserves to have his porn stolen if he doesn't have the decency to be attracted to me.

"Anko!"

Within seconds Kakashi could breathe again, and sat gasping for a while as Anko stood dejected before him, having released the henge. "I guess you just don't have good taste," she said snootily, and marched off back down the hill.

Kakashi stared after her, dazed. What the hell just happened?

o0o

"Emergency team meeting," Anko crowed, waltzing into the mission room. "The eagle has flown the nest."

Genma stared at her dumbly. "You realize that's code for 'the person we're looking for has taken off,' right? And it's a pointless code, because everyone knows what it means anyway?"

Anko glared at him. "I mean, the pirate has found the treasure?"

Genma smirked. It was entertaining to rile Anko up, although a somewhat dangerous sport. "You mean that a guy with scars got booty?"

"I wish." Anko sighed. "I practically threw myself on him and he politely told me to fuck off. What's up with that anyway? I'm not ugly."

Raidou snorted. "He probably just doesn't want diseases. You're a bit of a slut, Anko."

Anko's face was going purple. Genma smiled wickedly, senbon glinting. "What do you mean, 'a bit of'? I'd say she's 100% slut."

Anko stomped her feet and clenched her fists. "Do you want to see the damn book or not?"

"Maybe later tonight," Genma said lazily. "I'm kind of busy right now."

"What do you mean, busy? You're just standing around throwing paper planes at genin," Anko snarled.

Genma shrugged. "So what? It's very entertaining. It's not my fault we're short on missions at the moment."

"What he means," Raidou put in hurriedly, "Is that Asuma's on a mission and won't be back for a couple of hours. We need to wait for him, and find Aoba."

Anko seethed. "Fine then. My place at six. And remember to bring all your money, because I won."

o0o

Kakashi was feeling awkward. He'd stayed on the hill for a few hours after Anko had left, chatting to Obito and avoiding thinking about the crazy purple-haired Kunoichi. It was close to the day of the Kyuubi attack and the memorial stone had been getting quite crowded as of late. He didn't think that Obito would care where he talked to him. Actually he didn't think Obito would care at all, but he didn't want to admit even to himself that the only reason he spoke to dead people was because he had no one alive that he could share his problems with.

He was feeling awkward because he was now walking through the streets of Konoha to get home and people were trying to talk to him. They tended to keep their distance when he was reading porn but if he wasn't he was fair game. For some reason they liked to get his attention, even if he didn't really respond to them. He sighed and wished he'd remembered to get the book out before he'd entered the gates. He couldn't get it out now because that would be too rude.

"Hatake-sama, I feel safe with strong men like you defending our village."

"Hatake-same, have these carrots. I grew them in my own garden!"

"Hatake-sama, I bet you're ever so handsome under that mask."

"Oh have my babies, Hatake-sama!"

Kakashi kept walking through the throngs of admiring villagers stoically. He had no idea who Hatake-sama was, because he'd be damned if he ever deserved to be called that. Kakashi is just fine, thank you.

He reached his door and dispelled the wards quickly but without seeming to hurry. As soon as it was open he stepped inside and slammed it behind him, leaning against the wall with a sign. Home sweet home, he thought bitterly. Now that he was here he couldn't remember why he'd been in such a hurry to get home before the villagers had mobbed him. There was nothing to do. He considered going out for a drink as Asuma had suggested he do many times but decided against it. Alcohol loosened the tongue and he had secrets that he definitely couldn't spill. Besides, bars were noisy and crowded and filled with brash people like Shiranui Genma and Anko, and other people who gained carbon copy Maito Gai personalities after a few drinks. He didn't understand why people would choose to spend their evenings that way.

Kakashi flopped down on his couch and reached into his flak jacket to pull out his Icha Icha. If nothing else, his porn was always there for him. He froze. Icha Icha wasn't there. His mind slammed into overdrive immediately. He didn't have to look at his perfectly straight bookshelf to see that there was a gap in the centre of his collection, but he did anyway. His mind ticked through the events of the day, and he groaned heavily when he realized where he'd gone wrong. Anko. She'd have looked by now, and then she'd know.

He didn't want to read any more. Felling like his body was made of rocks he dragged himself to his bedroom, stripped and climbed into bed, pulling the covers over his head. If I just sleep now when I wake up it won't have happened, he thought optimistically. Who am I kidding. I'm fucked.

o0o

Anko slipped the little orange book out from underneath her coat and bowed theatrically. "Taadaa!" she cried.

The four men crowded forward to stare at it. From its tattered state and the way the orange was fading it was definitely Kakashi's. They didn't say anything for a while.

"I wonder if he writes notes in the margins," Genma said eventually. It didn't seem as exciting a plan now that they actually had the book. "You know, like 'must try this, but substitute chocolate for peanut butter.'"

Aoba stared at him. "Peanut putter? Really? That's the best you can come up with?"

"Well I don't see you coming up with anything," Genma said defensively. "It's not like I'd know what that pervert gets up to in the sack. I bet he ties girls up and acts like a hero coming to rescue them."

"Stop it!" Raidou clapped his hands over his ears. "I really did not need mental images of Kakashi naked."

Asuma grinned. "Did you see his face? We still need to settle that one, we should start the betting up again."

"I bet he's hideous," Anko sneered, still a bit put out by the fact he'd snubbed her.

Genma cleared his throat. "Gather round everyone, it's time for a story." He picked up the Icha Icha, opened it to a page somewhere in the middle and began to read. "Sunlight streamed through the window and glinted off his hair as Akihiro stood tall over his trembling lover. 'It's alright, love,' he said as he cupped Haru's cheek gently and placed a kiss on supple quivering lips." Genma shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe Kakashi reads this stuff. It's so sappy."

"Oh keep going," Anko begged. "You just know they're gonna get it on sometime soon."

Genma sighed, but continued. "Haru let out a small sound of surprise as Akihiro kissed down a long, yielding neck and teased a nipple into his mouth, flicking it with his tongue. 'You're going to be mine tonight,' Akihiro breathed as he reached down to cup his lover's balls." Genma paused, cleared his throat, and reread the last line, certain he'd gotten it wrong. "'You're going to be mine tonight,' Akihiro breathed as he reached down to cup his lover's balls."

"Holy crap," Aoba breathed.

"Give me that!" Anko snatched the book from Genma and flicked to a new page. "Haru arched up beneath his lover, moaning his name over and over as Akihiro stroked his straining cock in time with the frenzied thrusts into his tight hole."

"Kakashi's gay," Raidou said flatly, as if he couldn't believe what he was saying.

Anko silently slipped the orange Icha Icha jacket off to reveal a cover depicting two men gazing lovingly into each other's eyes.

"Rescuing a Prince," Genma mouthed. "Rescuing a Prince? And it's even in that damned raised gold lettering. Kakashi's a freaking pansy."

Anko dropped the book on the table in disgust. "Gross."

Aoba shivered. "I've been on so many missions with him. I bet he watched me while I was sleeping."

Genma suddenly looked worried. "I was out with him last week on a mission and I passed out. Do you reckon he did anything to me?"

"Just because he's gay doesn't mean he'd be attracted to you," Raidou said, but he sounded unsure.

"I'm not taking any chances," Asuma said. "I'm going to ask Tsunade not to put me on any missions with him. That's just… unnatural."

All around the table heads nodded in agreement. "Who'd want a cock shoved up their ass?" Aoba asked, disgusted.

"Actually, it feels pretty good," Anko said. "One in the front, one in the back."

The four men stared at her. "What?" she pouted. "I enjoy threesomes. Although I guess I now know why Kakashi didn't react when I threw myself on him."

"It's not because he's gay, it's because you're ugly," Genma said, but it didn't have his usual sting. "I feel dirty. I think I'm gonna go find me a whore. Anyone else up for one?"

The three other men nodded. Anko pointed to the book. "What do I do with that?"

"I don't know, I don't want to touch it. He probably jerks off holding it," Genma said, slipping out the door.

Aoba shrugged as he followed. "Read it. Isn't gay shit supposed to turn girls on?"

Anko scowled at his retreating back. "Actually, that's guys and lesbians," she retorted.

"I'd recommend throwing it away before Kakashi comes looking for it," said Raidou.

"Keep it so we can show Tsunade why we don't want to go on missions with Kakashi. She should understand," Asuma said, and walked out after the others.

Anko sat alone at her table staring at the book. She wished she'd lost the bet.

o0o

Kakashi didn't want to get up. He curled around his pillow protectively, drawing his knees up to his chin. He was going to have to leave the village. Homosexuality wasn't just frowned upon, it was borderline illegal. He felt unnatural enough as it was, he didn't need other people to spit at him too. He'd been so careful, and now he'd been outed. Knowing Anko, the whole village would know by now.

He dragged himself out of bed and stood in front of the closet staring at all his uniforms. He was going to be ostracized, and for what? A smutty novel that just happened to be male/male orientated. Kakashi sighed. It wasn't fair. It wasn't as if he'd ever gotten anything good out of being gay. He'd never had sex with anyone in the village, only able to have unfulfilling one night stands with civilian men from villages that would never recognize him as 'the famous Hatake Kakashi.'

He shrugged at himself in the mirror and pulled on his clothes. It wasn't as if much would change. He didn't exactly have any real friends to begin with. "You can just do the same thing as always, Hatake," he murmured to his reflection. "Just walk on past them like you don't give a shit. Because you don't. You really, really don't."

o0o

No one said anything to him as he walked to the mission office, noticeably without his book. He'd decided he'd have to go outside at some point anyway, and what better reason to go outside than to take a nice S-rank which would keep him out of the village for a week? And if he didn't come back alive well then, that didn't matter all too much. It's not like anyone would care.

Actually, people were going out of their way to clear a path for him, and were whispering behind their hands. It made him feel like a leper. Seriously, did these people think that gayness was something you could catch? Probably, he realized.

"Here is your mission, Hatake-san." The desk ninja pretty much threw the scroll at him and hurried to turn to the next person in line. He sighed and moved away to read it, almost walking into a thigh high genin. The jounin who was leading the genin squad pulled him away sharply. "Keep away from him," she hissed. "He's a pervert."

Being called a pervert for being gay hurt a lot more than being called a pervert for reading porn, he found. An ANBU materialized in front of him and he feigned a bored look, pretending his heart wasn't beating like a jackhammer. "Hokage-sama wishes to see you," the ANBU said curtly, and Kakashi nodded. Shit. He followed the ANBU out of the mission room and into the Hokage's office, where Tsunade immediately dismissed the ANBU.

"Hatake," she drawled, "You know what you've done, haven't you?"

"I haven't done anything," Kakashi replied.

Tsunade sighed. "Listen brat, it doesn't particularly bother me if you want to fuck other men. I know what sort of life you'd have and I'd be surprised if you weren't fucked up in some way. But it seems to bother everyone else, so you're on solo missions from now on. I can't do anything to help you out. My hands are tied."

"With all due respect Hokage-sama," Kakashi said, unable to stop his hands from tightening into fists, "Being gay does not make me 'fucked up.' And I've always been alone anyway, so it doesn't particularly bother me."

Tsunade shrugged. "Well, that's all I wanted to say. You can get out now." Mumbling, she added, "I'm just glad your team split up so you can't taint those children any more than you already have."

Kakashi sincerely hoped that the next mission would be difficult enough to kill him.