Link sighed as he waked into Kakariko Village. It had been seven long, boring years since he had slain Ganon. Seven years, his time, since he had been sent back in time. Seven years since Terminia.

There were rumors that Ganondorf was planning an invasion. Link sighed. If Zelda hadn't sent Link back in time right after he defeated Ganondorf, he wouldn't have to deal with that bullshit again.

Link realized he was in a lose-lose situation. If he didn't grab the Master Sword, he would have no real way of defeating Ganondorf. If he did grab it, Ganondorf would have easy access to the Triforce.

"Screw it." Link thought, "Without the Triforce, what's the worst that can happen?"

Link walked into the shooting gallery and paid the man twenty rupees. Shooting things always calmed him down. He pretended the targets were people he hated. Navi. Tingle. Those death chickens. Zelda. If that bitch hadn't sent him back in time, he wouldn't have had to deal with Tingle or that Happy Mask Guy. Why did she have to send him back anyway? Stupid bitch. If she got her stupid ass kidnapped again, he wasn't going to rescue her again. He worked on a two-strike policy.

After he fired the last of his arrows, Link bought a newspaper for five rupees.

Apparently, the king of Hyrule was preparing to invade the Gerudo Desert and neighboring Terminia dimension. Link wished Hyrule the best of luck since he wasn't going to help. Helping involved a three-strike policy.

Speaking of Gerudo, it had been a while since he last visited that magic carpet guy. He sold all kinds of cool, useless stuff. Link needed the new cup-and-ball entertainment system. He had heard it used the latest stuff-attached-by-simple-string, or SABSS, technology.

Link left Kakariko Village and climbed onto Epona. He needed that cup-and-ball entertainment system, or CABES. He didn't care if he had to sneak past the Gerudos. CABES was the best thing since the poking stick scientific instrument or PoSSI.

"Hehehe, acronyms." Link giggled.

It was a normal day in the desert. A small raiding party had followed Link all the way to the flying carpet merchant. They hid behind a few misplaced crates, waiting as Link started his journey back to Hyrule Field.

As soon as it was clear Link was distracted by his cup-and-ball, they attacked. Link sent one flying with a well aimed punch, thanks to his silver gauntlets. Link punched out a second and kicked a third Gerudo before a fourth tackled him from behind. As soon as Link threw her off, two more jumped on him. A third opened a jar and dipped a rag into it. She then placed the rag onto Link's face, knocking him out with the fumes. They began carrying him to the fortress.

"Do you think it's him?" One asked.

"No doubt." a second responded, "Ganondorf's going to be pleased."

"All I know is I'm going to be pleased tonight." the first said, "Whether this guy is just as pleased is of no concern to me."

"Do you think Ganondorf's going to turn him into a monster?" a third asked.

"Probably not." the second explained, "Ganondorf will think of some use for him."

"I can think of a few good uses for him." The first commented.

"Just don't kill him." the third told her, "At least not before we get our turns."

"This is him." Ganondorf said as he looked at Link's unconscious body.

"What should we do with him?" Naburoo asked.

"For now, lock him up." Ganondorf ordered, "Right now, he is the biggest threat to my future empire. As long as he breathes, a new hero can't be born. With time, he may think of us as his family.

I want guards stationed there at all times. He may mate with no more than two and no fewer than one women a day."

"Yes sir." Naburoo told him before carrying Link to his cell.

Ganondorf grinned. Nobody could stop him. The gorons were at war with the kokiri. The zoras hated the Hylians. The Shiekah moved to Terminia after the whole moon business was sorted out. Link was going to stay with him until he learned to love Ganondorf like a father. Ganondorf pondered his next move.

Fishing. Fishing was a good father-son activity. Link likes fishing. All he has to do is conquer the fishing pond. And Hyrule Castle. He doesn't actually want the castle. At least not in this state. Too stereotypically good. Ganondorf was thinking of turning it all big and dark. Maybe a few spires in strategic locations. An inter-dimensional pit that led straight to Tingle's clock and underwear drawer.

Conquest could be another great father-son activity. Together, they would slay armies, burn towns, and command a vast army to do their bidding. Nothing bonded fathers and sons like a landscape covered in blood and flames.

Link woke up some time later. Judging from the light coming from the windows, it was still daytime.

"Where am I?" he asked as he slowly lifted himself off the ground.

"You don't remember this place?" one of the Gerudo guards asked.

"Why am I here?" Link asked, "I wasn't even anywhere near the fortress."

"Doesn't matter." the guard explained, "We need mates to produce offspring and Ganondorf needed you out of the way. Just to warn you, Gerudos never settle for bottom."

"You're telling me…"

"We're going to rape you. Every. Single. Day. You'll grow to love it after months of fearing every footstep you hear."

"That's reassuring." Link sarcastically told her.

"Escape and we track you down and saw off your legs." she warned, "Be a good boy and you'll earn some time to play with your cup-and-ball."

"My CABES!" Link shouted when he realized his cup-and-ball was missing, as well as the rest of his equipment. Even his underwear and tights were gone.

"I get first dibs." she told him, "You'll be screaming my name tonight."

"It's time." Ganondorf told himself as he walked into one of the smaller prisons. Unlike the main prison, this one was designed specifically for "special" prisoners. The room was filled with years of pleasure-filled screams and the spirits of men who died trying to survive the Gerudo women.

"No wonder we're going extinct." Ganondorf mused as he walked in front of Link's cell.

"What do you want?" Link spat.

"Can't I come in to see how you're doing?" Ganondorf asked.

"How I'm doing?" Link asked, "I'm trapped in a fortress of rapists."

"It's all so you can join your father." Ganondorf explained, "Believe me, I had to go through the same thing growing up."

"You killed my father. I was there. I saw Ghoma. I heard my father's last breath."

"You don't understand. That tree wasn't your father. I am your father. I met your mother in the castle town. During the war, she fled to the forest while I crushed armies in the desert."

"I'll never join you." Link spat.

"You'll join me eventually." Ganondorf reassured him, "You and I are more alike than you think. Neither of us like the king of Hyrule."

"He peed in my coffee." Link told him.

"Both of us have dreams of conquest." Ganondorf continued.

"Damn right. The Kokiri have had it too good for too long."

"Neither of us like the Great Deku Tree or Zelda."

"Bitch sent me on this quest." Link explained, "Damn tree waited how long to give me a fairy? Do you have any idea how elitist the Kokiri can be? Let me tell you. Those skull kids don't live in the Lost Woods by choice. No, that was segregation in action and the Great Deku Tree sat back and watched it all happen. Why, when they learned I was Hylian, those tree-hugger kids tried to kill me."

"Wouldn't you like to see them burn?" Ganondorf asked.

"I think they want to burn!" Link shouted.

"You think they want to burn?"

"Yes I do!" Link told him, "I think they want their village burned to the ground! They want there to be nothing left but ash and charred bones!"

"My, haven't we picked a first target."

"You have no idea the hell I went through when I was forced into the Lost Woods." Link told him.

"What happened?" Ganondorf inquired.

"Terminia happened." Link explained, "It was three days of the worst acid trip of your life, of anyone's life, happening over and over again in an endless loop. I saw the moon crash into the earth. I went through painful transformation sequences that I'm sure were nothing more than potion-induced hallucinations. I saw Tingle. Tingle! Evil has a catchphrase and it's 'Kaloo Limpah!' That's what happened, though I was also in a sweet rock band for a bit."

"I've been through hell too." Ganondorf reassured Link, "Do you have any idea what it's like being surrounded by women all the time? It took the strongest spells those witches could conjure up just to stop the Gerudos' infamous periods from turning into a massacre every month. I had to keep them all satisfied all the time. It started out great, but a man has his limits and there's no such thing as a Gerudo lesbian. That's why I'm preparing to conquer Hyrule. The king cut off our supply of men that aren't me."

"If I help, will you prevent the raping?"

"If you help, they'll be busy unintentionally wiping out the Hylian race. That should keep them busy for a while."

"It's a deal."

"The war starts in a week." Ganondorf told him, "We'll get you the best Gerudo armor. Remember that for each Hylian male you capture, there will be one fewer Gerudo mate for you."

"One week?" Link complained, "I want to burn Kokiri Village now!"

"The preparations take time." Ganondorf told him, "We need a nice, clean village bombing. No hitting below the belt. No eye gouges. Just a nice, clean war crime. Understand?"

Link nodded.

"Good." Ganondorf said with a smile, "If you're good, I'll take you fishing after your morning rape tomorrow."

After Ganondorf left, Link smiled. He had everything he ever wanted now. A war with his side committing the war crimes. A war criminal for a father. Fishing. What more could a guy ask for? A puppy. Surely Ganondorf would give him a puppy. Puppies are awesome.

Just then, the prison guard entered Link's cell and a new guard entered the room.

"I thought he'd never leave." the guard said as she began removing Link's few remaining clothes, "If what I heard is true, you'll be one of the few men in history to survive long enough for a second session."

Link gulped and looked for any available exit.

"Cooperate and it won't hurt." the guard reassured him, "At least not physically."

Without his silver gauntlets, Link had no way of escaping. He couldn't simply punch down the cell door or knock the horny guard out. When a Gerudo wanted something, a Gerudo got it and Link knew his body was going to be no exception.

Ganondorf walked outside and addressed his troops.

"Today, we start the first phase of our war." he told them, "Platoon A will secure Lake Hylia and, most importantly, the fishing pond. Platoon B, you'll find and investigate this Terminia place. Supposedly, it's another dimension or universe or something. It borders Hyrule somewhere in the Lost Woods. I'm instituting a kill-on-sight policy concerning the Kokiri."

The soldiers cheered.

"You can do whatever you want to them before you kill them. Just make sure you investigate Terminia. Terminia has a rock band. Platoon C will be in reserves. Now, go out there and kill, conquer, and investigate Terminia. Also, capture that rock band. We can teach them Free Bird."

Ganondorf watched the Gerudo soldiers leave. His thoughts soon turned to the Hylians. What were they planning? Ganondorf was sure his army could hold off any invasion. Worst case scenario, they're forced to evacuate to the Spirit Temple. From there, they can launch raids against the Hylians. There was no way the Hylians could survive the Haunted Wasteland.

After repelling the Hylian forces, Ganondorf would attack the castle. He would give the king to a lucky Gerudo soldier, who will unintentionally kill the king while mating. Zelda, he will capture alive for Link. Maybe he'll turn her into a wolf. Maybe an anthro-wolf. Link might be into furries. If not, he will be into them eventually.

Maybe he could convince the zoras or gorons to join him in his conquest. Nothing strikes fear into an enemy like sea monkeys and mole people. In return, he'll end Hyrule's long standing segregation policy.

What will he do after that? Ganondorf thought about it for a moment. He could have his army enslave the Rito bird people. He heard they might be able to survive mating with the Gerudos. If not, they're bird people. They'll blend right in with the sea monkeys and mole people. He hoped they could survive the mating. Ganondorf had his summer planned out.

1. Conquer Lake Hylia, secure the vital fishing pond, and investigate Termina.

2. Burn Kokiri Village to the ground. Leave no elf not-burned-to-death.

3. Conquer Hyrule castle, turn Zelda into an anthro-wolf for Link, and end Hyrulian segregation.

4. Enslave the Rito and hope they could survive the Gerudo mating process. If can't, they're bird people. Enslave them anyway and keep them as pets. Bird people!

5. Learn to play guitar.

6. Resurrect Kokiri and burn them to death again.

7. Repeat step six.

8. Come up with secret family handshake.

9. Teach Link secret family handshake.

10. Turn Epona into unicorn for PR purposes.

11. Build Santa's workshop, resurrect Kokiri again, and force them to work in Santa's workshop in sweatshop-like conditions. Capture and torture any escapees. Every weekend, burn them to death and then resurrect them again. No casual Fridays. Do not feed them. Resurrect them whenever they starve to death.

12. Start band with Link.

This was going to be the best summer ever!