Universal Battle Remote

Warnings: Spoilerish up to 552, characters possessing knowledge they shouldn't have, some breakage of fourth wall, some OOCness, and, of course, cracky.

Additional A/N: My response to all those forum debates, in which there is a common assumption every fight between two characters is one-dimensional and absolute. Oh, and Itachi is not slow, you mothaflippers, nor is Minato, a brilliant mind, anywhere close to genjutsu inept!

Other than that, don't take this too seriously.

Sakura is treating her newly found friend, Shiho, to a bowl of miso ramen at Ichiraku, when there is a verbal brawl in the distance.

"... man, I'm telling you. FGT. Time-space manipulation, he goes behind, BAM! The end."

"And before that, one hit Tsukuyomi. No contest."

"Which requires eye contact-"

"Then he will not foresee the Amaterasu-"

"If he can escape Madara's suction-no-jutsu, he can escape before it hits-"

"To a kunai my brother can easily trace-"

"Yeah, fifty, with no idea which one-"

Naruto waves back the noren and enters the dining institution with Sasuke. The two settle down on respective barstools, heeding no attention to the girls on the other side as they continue their debate.

"And hit them all with perfect trajectory," Sasuke snaps. "The weakness of the FGT is its reliance on kunai, which can only go so fast, regardless of the Fourth Hokage's unmatched speed."

"On the assumption the kunai are sent in a wave first round and in the air. My dad spams those kunai, then eventually there will be thousands littered around the entire battlefield. Instant evasion for Tsukuyomi and Amaterasu."

"FGT needs to land close to the opponent. Newly aimed, deflected. Fallen kunai, burned with a ring of continuously expanding Amaterasu. The Hokage can jump around all he wants, but his evasion is useless without another offensive. And what is he to use? Summon a giant toad? Crushing-food-carts-no-jutsu? Beef."

"Miso! Jeez, we're talking about the man who fought the Kyuubi! He's got a Demon God on his side!"

"Double suicide."

Naruto crosses his arms, tilts his head back, eyes squinted in deep thought. Then, "The Rasengan! And he's fast with it too, no clones needed, so he can't be caught in an Amaterasu when he attacks with it. Bam! One hit, and Itachi's finished."

Here, Sasuke snorts. "The Rasengan. The wonderful Rasengan that cannot even defeat a lousy filler-movie puppet that a mid-tier Akatsuki like Sasori can destroy in a blink. But I'll amuse you: Yata Mirror."

"Won't activate fast enough."

"Lightning reaches the ground in 1/1000th of a second, and it was countered. Rasengan countered," Sasuke calmly concludes, turning to his bowl of beef ramen.

Fists bang on the counter, causing soup to come dangerously close to spilling. "Fine, let's attack your offenses. What does Itachi have?"

"Sword of Totsuka and the Yasaka Magatama." Sasuke snaps his chopsticks.

"Too ineffective and slow." Naruto does the same.

They eat, but in between slurps, continue bickering, tone fluctuating from calm and thoughtful to irritated and outright pissed.

Sakura snaps her fingers a few times to get their attention, calls out her teammates' names, but is, of course, ultimately ignored. She sighs out of exasperation.

"And they're still at it."

Shiho glances over curiously at the two boys. "At what, Sakura-san?"

Sakura rubs her temples. "Three days ago, some trio of kid reporters asked us who we believed was the strongest Konoha shinobi. Condition being at their prime."

"Prime? Is that not rather vague?" Shiho muses. "Had Orochimaru gained the Sharingan..."

"We eliminated all hypotheticals."

"Then obviously, it shall be Uchiha Madara."

Sakura shakes her head. "Konoha shinobi. Of when Madara held allegiance to Konoha, he did not surpass the First Hokage."

"Ah, I see. Then the candidates come down to Namikaze Minato, after he became Hokage, but before his unfortunate death with the incomplete Rasengan, and Uchiha Itachi, at the turning point his deterioration of health overtook any increase in skill..." Shiho trails off, falling into a daze, as her brain churns out numbers.

A sigh. "Yeah. Now it's turned into nothing but a petty debate about who'll win in a fight- wait, how did you know all that?" Sakura questions her friend, who is still in a raging BSOD.

Shiho snaps out of it. "Overall success rate .539, deviation .353, former-later," she states, nudging up her glasses. "Uncertainty high due to unknown variables."

"Wha-?" Sakura starts, but Shiho is already tilting her head, her blond hair dipping down to one side.

"Are you kidding me, that bulky thing is slow as hell-"

"The area it covers is tremendous, added with the locations made unavailable through the Amaterasu-"

"Then defensive will go down-"

Shiho joins their conversation. "You two are approaching this situation completely wrong," she says, drawing the boys' attention.

"What-"

"Who are-"

Shiho clears her throat. "People are often under the assumption the 'stronger' a technique the shinobi has, the 'stronger' he is. Unfortunately, if you two are in the scenario of which I am assuming, a battle between the Fourth Hokage and Uchiha Itachi will never play out in such a manner.

For example, for the Fourth Hokage, you are neglecting seals, particularly chakra seals. Though this pales in comparison to his other techniques, combined with his renowned speed, this is the most efficient method to defeating this particular opponent. To win, he merely needs to remove his opponent's very limited supply of chakra, and maintain continuous safe-flash to ensure his own survival.

On the other hand, in such a battle, Uchiha Itachi will never waste such an abundance of chakra on Susano'o. His tactic will be deception of the highest caliber, engaging in a pure genjutsu battle, manipulating even the most subtle nuances in his favor. To win, he simply needs enough layers of area genjutsu to halt his opponent for a microsecond, then finish with a fast long-range attack.

Ultimately, I believe this match be determined by circumstance – who has more knowledge of the other, who is the target, and finally, who strikes first. Regardless, it shall be a short, and uneventful, match."

And after an extended silence, the response from both parties is, of course, "Prove it."

With a smile, Shiho nudges up her glasses.

"Will you give it up with the puppet!"

Sasuke refuses to give it up. "Legendary war hero, defeater of the Raikage and 8-tails, sealer of the most devastating force upon Konoha... still can't defeat a puppet she can destroy."

Sakura feels her eye twitch, but yes, she can probably defeat it. With a punch.

"Oh come on, he was young then! Not even Hokage yet!" Naruto defends.

"Still a fodder puppet."

"Well, okay, two can play at this game. Mass murderer, defeater of Nagato and Orochimaru, probably saved the last war by taking down Edo Tensei... ran away like a crying schoolgirl before Ero-Sennin, who, by the way, is established to be weaker than my pops."

"Didn't want to fight."

"While stating, the best he can do against him is a stalemate if he did. Keep in mind this is Ero-Sennin, who epically sucks at genjutsu, and he can still hold off your brother, who is best in genjutsu."

"Jiraiya lost to Pein, who my brother finished in two moves-

"He didn't want to fight his pupil-!"

"And a Sannin is still not a puppet."

"Oh, give it up!"

As the boys shout on their descent down the flight of stone steps, Shiho sighs, "Fights do not exhibit transitive properties. One type of shinobi can hold an overall advantage over another, much like how the elements balance. By their logic, the Fourth Hokage, who is the strongest of all Kages, can easily defeat Madara, a shell of his former self, a former self who lost, even with the assistance of the Kyuubi, to the First Hokage. It does not work in such ways."

"Say Shiho-san," Sakura says. "How do you know so much of this?"

"It is my job. I take in data, see patterns, analyze, and assess. If you are questioning my source of data..." Shiho stops at the last flight of steps, right before a door. "It is from here."

The door opens.

Inside is a tech room, with multiple screens and wires, from little trinkets to robotic limbs that seizes Naruto's wrist the minute he tries to poke it, thus leaving him in a losing arm wrestling match with the machinery.

"Kabuto, if nothing else, is an excellent collector of data," Shiho states, as she guides them through the lab. "Do you recall your first Chuunin Exam?"

The trio exchange a look as Shiho presents to them a stack of cards from a steel table. "Ninja Info Cards. The amount of raw information on them is astonishing, and this is just in his youth."

The cryptanalyst places the cards back down on the table and moves forward, her lab coat floating behind.

"Regardless, Kabuto is an extraordinary researcher-"

"Stalker," Naruto coughs.

"- and this is fermented in his days of spying for Orochimaru, another avid collector of information, and finally, the Edo Tensei. With direct possession of DNA, combined with first hand analysis of every one of his resurrected soldiers, he is able to detail nearly every shinobi down to a startling 99.96% accuracy." A nudge of glasses. "We of the Konoha Cryptanalyst Squad are currently developing a project in which we may convert that valuable information to better our mission success rates of our troops. The information I am to show you is to be kept top secret, understood?"

Sakura and Sasuke nod.

Naruto shifts his eyes, before two glares and a dangerous flash of lenses have him nodding in compliance as well.

Once the invisible no-tell contract has been signed, Shiho unveils the secret.

"Behold! I present to you the Universal Battle Remote!"

Cue automated applause from background stereo.

"Err... so we're gonna watch some TV?" Naruto asks, raising an eyebrow upon seeing what appears to be a regular television remote control.

In response, Shiho dials a button. Massive screens light up behind her, spitting out neon blue holograms and symbols.

"In a sense, yes," she says, pressing a series of buttons on the remote. And thus, the screens change to depict a holographic spinning blue circle, followed by panels flipping over and a computer voice declaring:

:::Load complete:::

:::Versus Mode:::

:::Singles Match:::

:::Shinobi One, Konoha, Namikaze Minato:::

"Hey, that's my pops!" Naruto exclaims enthusiastically, waving his hand through the flickering hologram.

A set of peaking statistical bars flux in the background. Shiho presses several buttons on the remote, and the bars spike up.

:::Ideal Settings Confirmed:::

"Whoa, look at his stats! They're off the charts!"

"One of Konoha's best," Shiho agrees, adjusting her lenses. "Unmatched speed and reflexes, incredible intelligence and innovation."

:::Shinobi Two, Konoha, Uchiha Itachi:::

:::Ideal Settings Confirmed:::

Sasuke smirks; Naruto scowls.

"Not a Kage, but undoubtedly dangerous and quite the challenge. It's near impossible to tell just by comparing stats, so let's put this baby into action. Location please."

A pause, before Naruto blurts out, "Valley of the End!"

Shiho sharply inhales. "Ooh, you really will be the death of your father. Are you sure, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto blinks, then jumps back when the computer announces :::Fire, The Valley of the End, Requesting Confirmation::: and the bars on both sides change dramatically, one spiking up, the other plummeting down.

"What! Wait, what happened?" Naruto panics, dashing over and running his hands over to the screens at Minato's dropping stats. "Sasuke! You rigged this, didn't you!" he accuses, pointing a finger at his best friend.

Sasuke lowers his eyelids. "Yes," he deadpans, tucking his hands behind his back. "In the past one minute, I have, on a sudden whim of no nature, decided to become a technology genius, reprogrammed an entire set of highly advanced computerized systems, and purposely lowered your father's statistics while increasing my brother's, all for the sake of winning a petty hypothetical battle scenario with you... and proving I'm right."

Sakura tilts her head. "Um, Sasuke-kun, why do you have a programming manual in your hands?"

"Sharingan to speed-read manuals are prohibited in this lab!" Shiho scowls, reprimanding the boy with a shake of her finger. "Same goes for tampering with our technology!"

Then, she huffs and turns to Naruto. "Anyway, Sasuke didn't rig it – he can't-"

"Actually, this seems to function on a simple binary," Sasuke muses, causing Shiho to snatch the manual of his hands and smack him on the head to deactivate his Sharingan.

"- what happened is your choice of location, Naruto-kun," Shiho finishes, shaking her head.

"What?"

"Baka," Sakura sighs, slapping her palm against her forehead. "You picked a place with water."

"... And?"

"And, the FGT will sink," Sasuke says smugly.

A nudge of glasses. "Correct. The height of the waterfall cliffs gives the Forth Hokage a tactical advantage, but no edge from the FGT. Meanwhile, the elemental advantage Itachi gains is overwhelming. In any case, shall we play this out?"

"Wait, I have a question-" Sakura begins.

But Shiho has already pressed the button, and the entire world falls to white.

Sakura collapses to her knees in the lab, coughing up a lungful of imaginary water.

"WHOOO!" comes the raucous cheer, as a certain blond punches the air, drops of water and flickers of black flames in his hair fading out. "Did ya guess who won? And came out number one? Oh man, yo bro's so lame, got absolutely no game, his little flames put to shame by my dad's awesome hurricane! Oh yeah!"

A dead grip around his neck. "Cut the rap."

"Uncle Bee's to blame- okay, okay! Choking, choking!"

Meanwhile, Shiho is furiously entering data into the system. "Yes, yes, interesting... a FGT underwater, followed by a downward thrust Rasengan... ingenious combination of elements... and who would have guessed water is such a brilliant fast-spreading fuel for Amaterasu... or that the Susano'o could be flashed in from under..."

"Heh, I guess your statistics were wrong!" Naruto chirps, slinging his arms back. "My pop wins, rain or shine, and victory's mine."

"I demand a rematch," Sasuke growls, seizing the cryptanalyst by the shoulder.

A dangerous gleam of lenses. "Do. Not. Touch. The coat."

He retreats his hand.

A few keystrokes later, followed by one final tap, Shiho whips around and folds her arms, remote in hand. "Okay, Sasuke-kun. This is actually proving very helpful for research. Location please?"

"Konoha."

Another sharp inhale. "Are you positive?" Shiho asks, working the remote.

:::Fire, Konohagakure, Requesting Confirmation:::

A rise and drop in stats, alongside a boisterous laughter from Naruto.

"Ahaha! What an idiot! My dad just got an insane power boost!"

"Indeed," Shiho says. "The Fourth Hokage is absolutely frightening in Konoha, with the support of Uzumaki Kushina and the entire village. Nonetheless, this shall be interesting."

"Wait, can I sit this one-" But before Sakura can finish her plea, the world, once again, falls to white.

The painful wood splinters may be gone, but Sakura is still brushing the nonexistent soot from her hair.

"That was low! And cheating!" barks a charcoal Naruto.

"The strategy was very effective," muses Sasuke, equally darkened, only by sugary cocoa goodness instead of burnt wood.

"You can't take hostages!"

"Again, effective."

"Amaterasuing the village is illegal!"

"But effective."

"Why the hell would Itachi pull a stunt like that! I thought he cared for Konoha!"

"He does. The Tsukuyomi sent the woman on an island retreat with a chocolate hot tub."

"WHAT!"

"Your father's just a sucker."

Shiho is having a field day, going through chart after chart, her fingers slamming down on key after key. "Wonderful. To use environmental chaos to distract the Hokage, while he succumbs genjutsu-inept Kushina-"

"Oi, tech girl! I demand a rematch!"

A gleam.

"Where?"

"The Forbidden Forest!"

Sakura widens her eyes. "Wait, can I get a break-"

Too late.

The kunoichi tears away the snakes and bugs and leeches and poisonous plants all over her body.

"HA!"

A scowl. "What a cheap shot."

"Amazing. Beautiful use of terrain and summonings... excellent frog coordination and poison-"

"Give me that remote!"

"Hey, you can't-"

Sakura wants to scream, the worms and dead organic matter crawling up her body.

"No creepers! Unfair!"

"And now we know where you inherited your phasmaphobia from."

"Astonishing. To think the bone graveyard would provide a perfect release of yin nature and battle genjutsu-"

Naruto snatches the remote.

Sasuke steals the remote.

Naruto frog-leaps and clamps his mouth down on the remote.

Sasuke skydives and yanks away the remote.

"He cheated."

"Did not!"

"Did too."

"Did not!"

"HA! KO'ed in a second!"

"Was not."

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Head's start."

"Nah-uh."

"Uh-huh."

"Nah-uh!"

"Shit, I'm out of locations..."

"Me too..."

"Sakura-chan! Where would you-"

"NOWHERE!"

"AHA!"

"Oh come on. A tie?"

"There's no air in outer space, moron! Of course it's a tie!"

"Uhh... Rasengan jet propulsion?"

"I just told you there's no air!"

"Hooooly motherflipping cow. That was..."

"... epic."

"Again! Again! What were the settings for that one?"

Approximately a hundred computerized genjutsu simulations later...

"Aw, what do you mean no more!"

Shiho tucks the remote into her lab coat... and into her bra, causing both parties to freeze, hands in midair, unable to snatch it.

"I have compiled all the necessary data I need. Plus, the system is going into overdrive and needs a break."

"Impossible."

"Just one more?"

And that is when both boys gain a healthy helping of fist from one very, very incensed kunoichi who has just been through hell and back a hundred times, her eyes bloodshot red, and not from anything related to Sharingan overdosages.

"WHEN A LADY SAYS NO MORE, SHE MEANS IT!"

And thus, both fall unconscious, Naruto emitting a last, "But Sakura-chan... it's so funnn...-"

Sakura salutes to her friend a military wave, "Thank you, Shiho-san. I believe you answered our questions quite nicely," before she drags their corpses out of the laboratory and slams shut the door.

"You're welcome," the tech girl smiles, wondering what would happen should she market a crude version of this as a multi-player fighting video game for children brought to you by a three dimensional consul...

From somewhere in the afterlife, Kakuzu is hit with the sudden ka-ching of a cash register.

"Nah." Shiho waves off the silly idea and places the remote back down on the table.

And Kakuzu once again finds himself in screaming in anguish in the deep pits of hell.

"Itachi-kun."

Itachi sits on the library steps, scroll in hand. The Konoha sun gleams down, but it is hard not to identify the infamous silhouette, with inklets of gold or the curtails of red flame. He sets down the scroll, rises, and bows curtly.

"Hokage-sama."

"Itachi-kun, this may come as odd, insane even, but whenever I pass you, I keep feeling I have... battled... you before."

"And I was under the assumption my visions were a mere psychological manifestation from the subconscious desire to fight a superior shinobi."

"Yes, strange isn't it."

"Quite."

"Listen, it's a nice day. You want to catch some ramen?"

The younger shinobi fights back a blink. "Sure."

Five minutes later...

"Do regain your senses Itachi-kun. Should my son spam a thousand shadow clones-"

The snapping split of chopsticks. "With all due respect, Hokage-sama... the chidori nagashi."

Kushina bangs her head repeatedly against the counter-top of the local Ichiraku ramen, while her friend nudges up his shades and states, "Actually, if my calculations are correct-"

"Muta," she says.

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

Three days later, one Karin, with both her excellent underground sensory skills and overwhelming amount of boredom, accidentally stumbles into a tech lab on one of her daily town meanderings. She adjusts her glasses and looks at a small computer screen, where there is still a file open with many charts and diagrams, as well as a photograph.

She fights back a blush.

"Waah, he looks just like Sasuke!" she squeaks, squirming in place, and that's when her eyes land on a remote. Instantly, a wall of screens and blue holograms jump to life, as she goes through buttons.

"Wait, Sasuke is in here too?" she mumbles, as a sudden hologram of him appears before her. Her face sours, and she hmphs, about to toss away the remote, when there is a voice:

:::Versus Mode:::

:::Shinobi One, Konoha, Uchiha Sasuke:::

:::Shinobi Two, Konoha, Uchiha Itachi:::

"How the hell do I turn this thing off-"

:::Singles Match- Duo- Strat- Fort- Capt- Impaired Settings Confirmed:::

And suddenly, she is greeted with a hologram of her former teammate, clothes slashes with cuts, a combination of blood and sweat dripping down. The other one isn't much better, on the verge of toppling over, a bloodied hand over his right eye.

Karin opens her mouth, then closes it. Then she does a quick glimpse around the laboratory.

:::Hot Water, Yukigakure Springs, Requesting Confirmation:::

A devious smirk.

:::Advanced Settings. Location Settings. Time- Dis- Mot- Temp- Wi- Temp- Temperature, 20- 2- 2- 2- 3- 3- 35 Degrees Celsius. Requesting Confirmation:::

:::Advanced Settings. Weapon Settings:::

Karin goes through the selection for each before... "DaAang, they have oils?"

As well as ropes and whips and chains.

Play.

And thus, this fangirl finds yet another way to exploit the Universal Battle Remote. Her body is discovered two days later in an epistaxis-induced coma.