Without you I grow weaker

"Everywhere that I go
I see another memory
And all the places we used to know
They're always there to haunt me
I walk around and I feel so lost and lonely
You're everything that I want
But you don't want me"

Adam Lambert, Sleepwalker

Chapter 1: Downfall of love

Tommy doesn't really know when it started. And he doesn't know if he ever had a chance to stop it from becoming so huge and ugly that he couldn't pretend everything would be alright anymore. And now it's an issue. And this issue is not a good one. And he doesn't know how to get over it. How to change it. How to get back to that feeling he had at the beginning. That easy, warm and nice feeling. And he is just sad and tired and lost. Somewhere on their road he just got lost. Like an umbrella someone forgot to take back home when the rain stopped. For sure, the forgotten umbrella will be missed, but not until the next rain will come.

He really doesn't know when it happend. But he was suddenly watching himself struggling and trying to breathe everytime he was doing Adam a favor. Everytime he was with Adam on a red carpet. Everytime he was willing to join him doing interviews. Everytime they showed up in the public. All cameras on Adam. All paparrazzi shouting for Adam.

Because nobody really cares about Tommy. And he is standig behind Adam and he is waiting for him. Like Adams shadow. And he was sure he would get used to be the attachment without an own public identity. Just the boyfriend of Adam Lambert. Someone whose name the most people forget. That's why they introduce him as Adams boyfriend. Without his name. He tried so hard to please everyone, to please Adam by doing this whole smiling-though-your-heart-is-aching-thing. But he knows that now he is at a point he just can't handle it anymore. And he doesn't know what to do to stop the pain caused by feeling lost.

And Adam hasn't really noticed yet that Tommy was feeling that way. Because Tommy doesn't tell him and he doesn't show him. He is wearing a mask to hide behind. And once again he is accompanying Adam to an important event to meet some people. Important for Adam. So Adam is in the middle of the crowd. Enjoying himself and the people around him. And while he is laughing at some lame jokes, Tommy is feeling so lonely in the mid of all those people. His head starts to spin and suddenly he has enough. He just wants to leave. He wants to be home in his bed, alone. By himself. He doesn't even want to have Adam around.

So he keeps backing away from all the people while he is taking the last sip out of his glass. His tie is throttling him. He tries to get it off, but it seems like it's getting worse. He needs some fresh air. He feels sweaty and hot. And in that moment Adams eyes find his eyes and he is asked with a look if he is ok. That's when he is losing it, because he has enough and no, he is not ok. He is anything else but ok. He turns around and runs out of the fucking club. And he feels like he must choke. The air outside is not that fresh as he hoped it would be. It's just hot and sticky. Finally he manages to get the fucking tie off of his neck and then he opens the buttons of his chemise and keeps walking away. And then he can hear the door swing open and Adam is right behind him. He catches Tommy with his big hands. And it's like the first time that Tommy hates that he is that small. He feels almost fragile. He closes his eyes for a second and then Adam is right in front of him. Tommy is trying his best to blink the tears away. He doesn't even know when he started to cry.

"Tommy, what's wrong?" Adam looks down at Tommy with worry in his eyes. He cups Tommys face with his hands and sees the tears in Tommys eyes. "Adam, I don't know if I can handle it any longer." Adam is confused and a bad feeling is creeping up his body. He whispers. "What do you mean?" Tommy tries to catch his breath to be able to steady his voice. "Adam, I love you, I really do. And I don't know why I'm acting now like that. But I feel like I am getting lost in this relationship. I am losing myself in you. It doesn't feel like it would be still me here. There is emptiness. I feel like I'd disapear. Piece by piece. And you... You don't even notice it." Tommys voice is now both: sad and angry. And Tommy can't believe that he can still keep it low.

Adam drops his hands. He seems confused and unable to cope. His voice is full of despair. "Can we talk about it at home, later?" But Tommy shakes his head. "No, we can't. I can't. Because I've been waiting far too long to talk to you. And I was hoping you would see that I am struggling. But you don't. And I know I shouldn't blame you for that at all. But a part of me wants to hurt you. Because you are my boyfriend und you don't see that I am dying here. In our relationship is no space left for me to breathe. No space to exist." Now there is just anger left in Tommys voice. He is angry about himself but also about Adam. And he does what he wants the most right now: he hurts Adam. And he does it just by saying the truth. His truth. He knows that he is not really fair, because it's mostly his own fault that things are like that. But something inside of him stops that thought and Tommy is just angry with Adam.

Trying to calm down Adam can feel tears forming in his eyes. "Tommy, what are you telling me?" Tommy sighs. Tears are now running down his cheeks. "I am telling you, that I feel lost. And I don't want to feel like that. There is no space left for me to be me. There is always you. I am not myself. I am just the man on your side. And it's ok, most of the time it really is. But sometimes I want to be just me. Not the boyfriend of Adam Lambert. I want to be Tommy Joe again." Tommy whispers the last words. He is exhausted. "Tommy, what can I do?" Adam is in despair. He tries to catch Tommys hands. To hold him. But Tommy pulls away.

"Adam, just... just let me go. I can't bear it right now. I just need to get some time and space for me." Adam is crying now as well. "Tommy, do you break up with me?" His voice is broken and Tommy shrugs. "I don't know, maybe... I can't believe it myself, but... I don't know if I can be with you anymore. Not like that. I am sorry." Tommy takes a deep breath and looks up with sadness in his eyes. "Yes, I do." Then he turns around and runs away. Adam is left behind. Broken. He can't say anything. He is just standing there. Tears are running down his cheeks. And then he feels someone standing behind him. "Hey, come here!" And he lets himself fall in the warm embrace of Brad. And he is crying on his shoulder.

It's late when Adam arrives at their place. It seems like Tommy wouldn't be there. There is only darkness. He goes over to the bedroom. Most of Tommys clothes are still there, he took only some pieces out. He also took his teethbrush and his cosmetics. The whole place is now so much emptier. And Adam feels suddenly just lonely. He walks over to the kitchen to get some water. He switches the light on and jumps back at the sight of Tommy sitting in the dark kitchen. "What the hell, Tommy!" He is pressing a hand against his chest and breathing hard. "Sorry." Tommy whispers. "I wanted to be gone when you arrive, but I just couldn't go away. It wouldn't have been right." Adam sits down in a chair. He feels like they'd be miles apart although their legs are almost in contact. "Tommy..." He starts, but Tommy interrupts him. "No, Adam, don't say anything. I can't stay. I have to go to find myself again." Tommy is crying. "I am sorry, I really am. But I can't stay." Adam wants so badly to reach out and touch Tommy. But he doesn't. Instead he is crying now as well.

"I want you to know that I love you. I really do. But it's just not enough." Tommys voice is just a whisper. "But why isn't it enough? What do you miss? What can I do?" Adam is really in despair, trying hard not to shout at Tommy. "You can't change the circumstances. Your life is like it is and I thought I could fit in it, but I can't. I am not happy. And I should be. There is nothing you can change." Tommy gets up. "I will go now. We will find a way to handle it. I will get my stuff in the next days, when I know where I can stay." Adam nods, unable to speak. Tommy stands in front of him. He wants so bad to take Adam in his arms, but it would be wrong. It would hurt them both. So he just turns around and leaves the kitchen. As soon as the frontdoor shuts behind Tommy, Adam breaks down.

Adam is sitting at their kitchen table. No, it's just his table. He is alone again. A single. And he tries to get over the fact that Tommy won't be back in the next minutes or hours. He will never be back again.

It has been two weeks now since Tommy left him. And somehow he begins to feel better. That's what he is keeping saying to himself, like a mantra: it's getting better. But in fact it doesn't get better, it gets worse. He misses Tommy. It's like his home isn't a home anymore. Because Tommy made it a home and now, it's just a house, an empty and a cold house. And everything reminds him of happy days with Tommy.

He gets advices from his friends how to deal with it. But it doesn't help at all. One of his friends even texts him: "When you love someone let them go, when they come back to you they are yours, if not they never were." And he thinks what a fucking wisdom. He never wanted to let Tommy go. He didn't want to test their relationship. He was happy with Tommy. But he wasn't asked. Tommy made his decision and left him. And now everything is just dark and sad.

But somehow it is getting better. He can breathe again. And this is a big step forward. And he stopped to text Tommy. The first days he texted him like every hour. Tommy texted him back but not everytime. When Adam sent too many messages Tommy called him. And Adam was happy to hear his voice, Tommy tried to make it better for him. And Adam knew he was acting like a diva, but he was just helpless. About two days ago he stopped texting to Tommy. And since then he was proud about every hour he didn't text.

To be honest, he didn't stop out of his own will. He stopped because Tommy moved on. 40 hours and 15 minutes ago Tommy called him after Adam sent him about 20 messages in 10 minutes. Adam could hear a party in the background and laughter. And Tommys voice was nerved: "Adam, I can't help you. You have to figure it out by yourself. You have to let me go, when you want to keep my as a friend. I am trying to get over you too. Please, let me go." After that call Adam decided that he won't contact Tommy any more. He would wait until Tommy would contact him. And his heart broke a little more because obviously Tommy was able to have fun without him. And this was hurting him more than he wanted to admit to himself.

Tommy trembles after the call. He wanted to forget the whole drama and went to the housewarming party from a friend. And Adam had chosen this evening to sent him tones of messages. He decided to call Adam to stop him. He felt guilty but also angry. Why didn't Adam see how much the break-up was hurting him too? He was sad and he was afraid about the consequences. He wanted to keep Adam as his friend. They wanted both to stay friends. They wanted to work together. They just have to find a way to get through the first weeks.

They will survive. But right now Tommy is hurt. They are both hurt. They need time to get over it. Time to heal. Why doesn't Adam see that?

It's strange to meet again. They haven't seen each other for six weeks and still it's hard. After all the tears both of them had to cry. But they want to keep their friendship. They were friends before they became lovers. They want to go back there. Neither of them can imagine a life without the other. So they want to try and find a way back. They meet at Tommys place. They want to have some drinks together and just talk about things. About the next album, the next tour. Not about them at all.

But somehow they end up talking about them. Maybe it's necessary. It's calm and sad. But it's a good talk at all. Maybe they should have talked more before their ways driftedapart. But there is no fighting for them anymore. They don't talk to find a possibility to get back together. They talk to find a possibility to become friends again. It's hard and it hurts. And there are things between them they will have to leave unspoken. It would be needful to speak about them, if they wanted to stay a couple, but they don't. For keeping their friendship is no need to talk things out. Maybe in the future, when things will be calmer. When the memory of them as lovers will fade away.

So Tommy doesn't say Adam how lonely he was in their relationship. Or how much the media invaded his life. Those thoughts will be left unspoken. And Adam doesn't talk about his feelings. Because he feels like he has destroyed their relationship because he didn't care enough about Tommys needs. He didn't see that Tommy was suffocating on his side. He is ashamed because he thought they were both happy. But he is also angry because he never had a chance to fix the relationship. Tommy didn't say anything until it was too late. Adam doesn't say anything about it. They just talk about some nice memories and about Tommy getting the rest of his stuff from their former place. And somehow they find a way to laugh together again. Maybe the alcohol is working on them.

And after a while they find themselves in a talk about sex. Their sex was always great. And Tommy hears himself talking about how much he enjoyed that Adam was able to let go when they had sex. "You are always such a control freak. But when I touched you, you were just enjoying and this was so hot." Adam is blushing slightly. "Yeah, I know what you mean. It was like we were in a safe place where I didn't have to think about everything. You made it easy for me to let go." And he sips on his beer. He smiles at the memory. And then his thoughts are drifting away. "What do you think about?" Tommy asks him after a few minutes. "Nevermind, it's nothing important. In fact it's stupid. Forget it." He looks down on his fingers. And Tommy punches him slightly on his arm. "Come on. Just tell me." Adam sighs but he starts to talk.

"You know, the worst thing about breaking up is, that you don't know it will happen, until it happens." He looks up at Tommy. "And because you don't know about that, you don't know when you have sex the last time before the break-up, that this IS actually the last time. And that's what I think about now. I mean, if I knew that it would have been our last time, I would have enjoyed it more. I would have taken more time. And now in my memory there will be always this last time when we didn't even get fully undressed and I fucked you against the wall in our, I mean in my hall. And it's kind of sad." Adam gets up to get another drink. "Adam, wait." Tommy moves closer to him. Adams heart misses a beat while Tommy is cupping his face in his hands. "Maybe we could make a new memory of our last sex?" Adam looks confused down in Tommys eyes. "What do you mean?" Tommy starts to caress Adams face. "We could have once again sex. The last time. Just to say goodbye."

Adam stares in Tommys eyes. "I don't think that would be a good idea." But Tommy ignores him and pulls Adam closer to meet his lips for a passionate kiss. And Adams mind is shouting to stop this. But his body and his heart are yearning for Tommy. And hey, it's the last time, what could go wrong? He is already hurt, it can't get worse. So he mutes the warning voice out.

And he lets Tommy pull him to his bed. They strip out of their clothes on their way there. And they both can't stop thinking about how much they missed each other. But they don't say it loud. They don't talk, they just touch and kiss. And it's so intimate to feel each other again. And so good. Like reading a well known book for the hundredth time. You know what you can expect, but still you will find something new in it. And they take their time kissing and touching every part of their bodies. And there is no hesitation in their movements. It's timeless. And it doesn't feel like goodbye at all. It's like welcome back, where have you been for so long. And then Tommy is sitting in Adams lap, his back close to Adams chest. And he can feel Adams cock deep inside of him, while Adam is kissing his neck. And he is pressing his back against Adams chest for even more contact. He turns his head and they are kissing again. Wet and hot. And it's really good and then they both are coming almost at the same time. And they feel the other one trembling through the waves of pleasure. Until it's over.

The silence is awkward afterwards. It's screaming in their faces. And Tommy pretends he fell asleep while they are laying on his bed. A part of him is hoping Adam would stay there for a while and would hold him tight. But another part of him wants Adam to leave as soon as possible. Because he realizes now that it was a mistake. And not just a small one. He knows he will regret it. It's when he can feel Adam move out of the bed. He is leaving. Tommy opens his eyes long time after Adam is gone. He sits up and looks around for his clothes. Then he sees the note Adam wrote for him. He stares at the paper, not able to get up to read it. He is scared, because there is nothing Adam could say him to make this whole thing better now. And anything he wrote will be wrong and right at the same time.

After some minutes he finds the guts to get up to read it. He takes the paper with him to the living room. He will for sure need a drink to be able to read it. He pours himself a glass whiskey and drinks it all at once. It takes him another glass of whiskey to be able to sit down to read the note.

Tommy!

It was a bad idea. I am sorry, but I am still not over you. And today you reminded me of what we had. And I miss you so much. But I will really try to be a friend. I want to be your friend. And friends don't have sex. Let us make this one rule: we are friends without benefits. No exceptions!

Because if that will happen again it will kill me. Because I still love you…

Adam

Tommy wipes a tear away. "And I love you too, that's why it happened." And he writes a text to Adam.

I accept the rule. I am sorry. And I miss you too.

But before he sends the massage he deletes the last part.

He is still amazed about the sex. Tommy felt so good. And it was so intense. And he wanted it to last forever. He was holding back as long as he could. And he saved every memory of every little detail, every small touch and every sound, just everything. And he was inhaling Tommys scent. He knew it was the last time and he wanted to enjoy it as much as he could. And he managed it to forget how broken his heart was and how much it hurt to know that it was the last time.

As soon as it was over he knew that it will get bad for him. And he misses Tommy more than before and he knows that the sex took him several steps back to the end. And now he is back in his bed. And he can smell Tommy on him and he knows he should shower to get rid of it. It would be a way better to do this now. But he is not able to get up. He is so exhausted. He knows he will have to change the bedclothes the next day, but he doesn't care. Now he wants just to hold on to Tommy. Just for tonight. He knows he will be better again tomorrow. But right now he feels just like he won't be able to breathe again without Tommys smell on him. It calms him and makes him safe. And his loneliness is a little bit easier to handle. And when he closes his eyes he can still see Tommys face in front of him. His lips are swollen from kissing. He can still feel Tommys skin under his fingertips.

And for the first time since they broke up he can really sleep.

They next day is hard. Adam wakes up and even if he can smell Tommy he knows he is alone. And he refuses to open his eyes. He wants to stay in his dreamland. With Tommy. But he knows there is a new life waiting for him. A life without Tommy. They are friends now, nothing more. And he has to get over Tommy to be able to be a friend. And he can only imagine how hard it will be to become a friend after it was hard to admit being more than friends just one year ago. He opens his eyes with a groan. And he forces himself to get up from his bed. And then he is just acting. He changes the bedclothes and he takes off his clothes. Everything goes to the laundry. Every move he does is controlled and sober. Every feeling he might have is buried deep in his soul. But when he steps in his shower and the water begins to wash Tommy down from his skin, he can't hold back anymore. And he is sitting in the shower for about 20 minutes and he is crying while the water takes the last reminds of Tommy off of him. And he wishes his pain could be washed away the same way.

The days go by. And Adam is still proud about every day and on some days about every hour he doesn't text Tommy. His messages are not about them anymore. He just needs the connection. And Tommy is answering now everytime. And Tommy sends him also messages. And they tweet again. But they never talk about that last time. Somehow life is becoming easier day by day.

They don't see each other as often as they could or as they did before they were lovers. It's still hard to be around the other one. There is still something between them. And they both know they should have talked about what went wrong between them before they broke up. But they missed the chance and now it seems to be too late. They want to be friends again and they don't want to take the baggage from the relationship to their friendship. So they suffer both in silence. Still asking the same questions in their own minds and they stay without answers. They are both not happy but they are ok. At least most of the time.

Tommy got the rest of his stuff from Adam. And he puts all the gifts, the pictures, the letters, the personal stuff he got from Adam in a box. He doesn't open the box. But he doesn't put it away. The box is under his bed. He doesn't even know why. Maybe just to remind himself that he was once the boyfriend of Adam Lambert. To remind himself that he broke up because he was not happy. And that he wanted to be happy again, he wanted to find himself again.

But even after three months he has still no clue who he was now. He didn't want to be just the man on Adams side. But what was he now? Adams ex, Adams bassist, Adams songwriter. And this is not really better than being called Adams boyfriend. This is worse. But what he had forgotten during his relationship with Adam was that for Adam he was always Tommy Joe. For Adam he was never a shadow. He was his partner, his friend and his home. And he didn't see it that way while he was with Adam. He just saw how the other people saw him. People who didn't know him, people who were not important for him. They were not part of his life. They were strangers. And he couldn't get his head wrapped about the fact that he let strangers make him feel lonely and uncomfortable. At the end of the day it shouldn't have to matter that much than it did. He should have been happy about what Adam thought about him. And his family and his friends. Because for those people he was always Tommy Joe.

When did he lost himself and why? When will he see himself as Tommy Joe again?

Six month after Tommy moved out, things changed. They had found a way to be something almost like friends. They worked together. And they could stay in a room alone without thinking about dragging the other one to the next available bed. Things were calm between them. Somehow almost good.

And then Tommy didn't come back from his vacation.