Disclaimer-My time machine doesn't work yet so I don't own Harry Potter yet nor have I found the Morlocks.

I don't even have a decent excuse except that I forgot. I honestly did the same goes for all my to Remus:

Dear Remus

If you're reading this then I guess that the worst has happened - and no, I don't mean a world chocolate shortage - I mean that it's finally over and you are the last Marauder. I know you are secretly sickeningly smug about that, so I congratulate you and ask that you treat the title well. Try not to cry, we'll meet again one day, and if I am still alive then put this down and fuck off.I can assure you that I already miss you and that James says hi, you know he would.

Well, the house and everything in it is to be left to Harry including darling Kreacher so please warn the poor kid about the monster in Kreacher's den. You'll find the legal crap in a draw next to my bed...or somewhere in the room, I can't quite remember where. Oh and don't go thinking I left you out though because I didn't you daft git. First of all I left you a decent amount of money so you can finally get rid of those ankle wanglers and get some trousers that fit so you don't look half mast, also get a haircut you look like a seventies throw back.I have also left you my collection of "magazines" so that you will at least "have fun" a bit while you wait for a certain pink haired lady to do it for you. Speaking of which when you and Nymphie do get it on I advise that you either hide the "magazines" or give them to Harry; you will find the "magazines" under my bed.

Funeral wise I want a big one. I want there to be a big band singing "Another one bites the dust" and see if you can get the remaining members of Queen up there for me. Tell Brian May that Sirius Black asked for him and he'll be putty in your hands. Also see if you can get Stubby Boardman that would be a laugh. For my grave marker I don't just want some slab of stone with my birth and death on it. I want a bronze statue of me in all my glory and underneath it will say: Sirius Black - The one who brought sexy some of that chocolate cloud cake you make and ask your mum to make some sausage rolls or something; wear bright colours too. Keep the affair happy, I know it will be hard because - come on! This is me that we're talking about and we both know that the world will never be the same without me.

Down to the important stuff: I did so many stupid things and I wasted my life so I am going to take this chance to tell you not to do what I did. I'll leave you with a tip - don't eat yellow .

Don't mope over my death for too long you need to get your own life back on track and try to get Dora back, I give you my honest to god blessing and ask that you don't be a twat and dump her because you're "dangerous". She is a Black, that makes her the dangerous if you don't name your first born after me I will come back and haunt you, I don't care if it's a girl you can call her Sirius-ette.

Hey, also I left a pot of Vaseline on my desk so if that muggle thing (cloning?) ever works then you can get another me! If not keep then pot for yourself and think of me when you use it.

I have to go now because you are shouting at me about eating peanut butter with my finger and are now lecturing me about how many people die from E-Coli a year.

I'll miss you, you annoying, lanky, uptight, amazing little bugger.

Signing out-

The Fantastic Sirius Black

P.S. It was I who ate the cookies from the cookie jar. It was also I who ate your last bar of Honeydukes caramel dream chocolate and washed it down with that bottle of Firewhiskey. Now I'm dead I no longer fear you.

P.P.S. Enclosed in this letter is The Sirius Black List of Pick Up Lines. Use them well.

P.P.P.S. Kill Bellatrix for me too if I haven't already.

P.P.P.P.S. Tell the Ministry to go fuck themselves from me.

Signing out for real this time-

The Fantastic, Amazing, Awesome, Perfect, Sexy Sirius Black

Pick up lines

1. If women were bogies I'd pick you.

2. You may fall off a broom or from heaven but the best way to fall is in love with me.

3. If a fat bloke shoves you in a bag tonight don't worry because I asked for you for Christmas.

4. Do I know you? Sorry it's just that you look a lot like my next girl friend.

5. If I had a garden I'd put my two lips and your two lips together.

6. You're so sweet that you put Honeydukes out of business.

7. Hagrid's not the only giant around here you know?

8. My love burns for you like a dying phoenix.

9. You are like Skele-Gro because you are growing me one huge bone.

10. Do you have something in your eye? Wait no it's just a sparkle.

And here Remus is my best one:

You don't even have to use Lumos to turn me on.

Use them well.

I'll say it:

Love

Sirius

...

Thoughts?