So yeah, I'll be updating Cryonics soon. Sorry I've been gone for so long guys, but schools been tough. You guys are always on my mind though, so don't think I don't stop by. I usually do. Every day. Of every week. Of every month. (Actually, no. about three times a week.)

I don't know if this is as funny as the others, because of the large buildup. Let me know, since I was real iffy about it

SEEING DOUBLE

Garrus locked eyes with Shepard as she slowly slid out of sleek black undergarments. Despite being a Turian, he knew a good show when he saw one, and this was among the best in the galaxy. Making her way over to the bed, she grabbed a bottle of wine. Taking the cork between her teeth, she slowly pulled it from the neck of the glass, and placed the wet end against her tongue, working the soft wood over. She could tell from his obvious ram-rod sitting that she was having a severe effect on him.

"Hmmm. I planned on having a glass of wine beforehand, but I think I'll pass. After all, I've got something else to get drunk off of."

If Turians could smile, Garrus would have been grinning. As Shepard turned the lights off entirely, she crawled on top of him, and within moments, she slid down his body until she found her target. The soldier just sat there, enjoying everything.

-I don't see how this could end badly at all. Thank the gods for DNA locking-

Meanwhile…

"Shepard…What would you say if I told you that I'd mount you right now, in this very elevator?"

Tali brushed against her captain, her motives blaringly obvious. Ever since that first night before the Omega 4 relay, she'd taken on an entirely different image when alone with her commander. Thankfully, John didn't mind at all. In fact, he almost enjoyed it more than she did.

"Well Ms. Vas Normandy, I'd have to sit you down and have a talk about the…proper…times to engage in such desires."

Beneath the mask, Tali pouted. He always played it this way, and she always responded with pretend annoyance.

"Oh? But I don't want to be sat down. Unless it's on your wonderful-"

The elevator, reaching it's destination, came to a halt, the gentle screech cutting off Tali before she could finish her sentence.

"Well, it looks like it's your lucky day. Let me just disable the DNA lock, aaaaand…."

The door opened, revealing a room shrouded in darkness. Making their way in, Tali removed her mask while effectively throwing herself at Shepard, who, unaware of the action was thrown onto the bed.

Instead of soft sheets and pillows, Shepard fell on top of what felt like another person.

That's when all hell broke loose.

A collection of screams, first from the naked Shepard, followed by Tali, then by male Shepard and Garrus. The lights flicked on, and the screaming intensified.

Garrus and Shepard stood naked across the bed, while a partially naked Tali and Shepard climbed to the opposite side.

"What the hell is this? WHO ARE YOU?"

Garrus and Tali locked eyes. There was strong disgust between them. Meanwhile, both Shepards stared, confused about the opposite sex versions of themselves. Then there was the meeting of the eyes between Shapard and Garrus.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here? This is my room. What the fuck is going on?"

"I'm just….uh…"

"Oh my god. You're having sex with me! What the hell, man? WHAT THE HELL?"

"But…you aren't…YOU HAVE LADY PARTS!"

the shouting match between the two males would have continued, if they hadn't caught what other sounds were being made.

"Ohh, Shepard. Lower."

Both Garrus and male Shepard turned, only to find their partners engaging in a sort of entertainment of their own. The sight was really quite marvelous, by any male's standards, but for Garrus and Shepard, it was an almost enlightening experience. They stood there, gawking for minutes as the two girls were busy with each other. Finally, without looking, both raised their hands for a quick fistbump.

"Dude. You're hot with another girl."

"I didn't know Tali was that….flexible."

"Should…Should we do something?"

"Well…I don't know. Is this even supposed to happen?"

"Want to try to sneak in?"

"Yeah. This is going to be the weirdest orgy ever."

"Garrus, we're Alliance marines, damn it. We don't question things like this."

They both started to move up, and quietly undressed.

"I'm a Turian. We usually do question things like this."

"you ready for this, bro?"

"Let's do it. This is going to be the greatest sexual act the galaxy has ever known."

"YEAH!"

They both jumped, mere seconds away from joining the sexiest orgy ever known to man.

-20 minutes later-

"Damn it! DAMN IT!"

"Are there any other pods?"

"WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY?"

Joker sat in the escape pod, the few survivors distraught over the loss of the ship. This was the last time he ever tried to sneak a peek of Shepard's cabin while navigating through an asteroid belt.

I couldn't think of an ending without it being gay. Thank god that Joker's such a creep.