AN: Hi, this is Meg, here to ruin fanfiction forever. You're very welcome. This chapter was… an interesting process. Basically, I picked around 8 pairings out of two hats (one for guys, one for girls since I'm too cowardly to attempt Yaoi or Yuri) and chose one that would be fun to write. The results were weird… Maka x Spirit, Mizune x Excalibur, Crona x Crona… I eventually settled on this pairing. And yes, this is called Patti's Fanfiction. Imagine what would happen if she was truly let loose on the internet…

Claimer: I totally own Soul Eater and all of its characters.

*shot for blatant lies*

Owwww… okay, let me redo that.

Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Eater. Happy?

Patti grinned with pleasure as she checked her email inbox; there were a few favourite authors, 5 story alerts, 3 favourite stories and about 2 reviews. Not that bad, considering she had last checked it five minutes ago.

Upon discovering the wonder that is Fanfiction, Patti had quickly realised that she had an edge on other writers- she lived in the animeverse. What writer knew the main cannon of Soul Eater better than she did? Who else on the website knew that Kid's boxers were shinigami skull patterned? That he owned a teddy bear whom he had lovingly named "Sir Bearington"? (though he made sure to hide his knighted plushie whenever somebody came to visit).

Oh, she knew more than that. She knew the deepest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets of all her friends. Even the dirtiest weren't unknown…

And so, Patti had released all of her friends' most embarrassing secrets online in the form of fanfiction. And it they were a hit!

Recently, Patti had decided to actually write stuff that was original, and so wrote pairing fics. She was well known for covering inventive pairings (Kilik x Ragnarok, Soul x Marie and Stein x Giriko were in there among others). She specialised in Yaoi, but the occasional Yuri or Straight fic managed to slip in.

The blonde haired girl looked at her notebook. It held all of her ideas, plans and doodles for stories. She closed her eyes and stuck her finger on a random part of the page.

I'll wriiitttee…. That one!

Sticking her tongue out of her mouth in concentration, the demon gun started typing furiously…

~ A Swordsman's Heart ~

Once upon a time there was a bit- sorry, I mean witch called Arachne. Which was all very good, until she made weapons. By killing people.

Naturally, she wasn't very popular because of this, and was hunted down. So she used some magic to disappear for around 800 years; cuz that's how she rolls.

After 800 years (in which her skin never became wrinkly, cuz that's just gross) she came back and was ready to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA!

To do this, she recruited the help of the bestest most smexiest samurai evar- Yojimbo Mifune (but everyone just called him Mifune because he's Japanese even though he doesn't look it. Duh, he's a samurai, of course he's Japanese!). She promised to protect his little… uhhh… mistress, Angela, in return for his service.

And by "service", I mean SEX! OH YEAH! KABOOM!

*dignified cough*

By "service", she actually meant his swordsman skills and all that stuff. But, hey, there was sex involved anyway, because fanfic + sex = a ton of reviews, amirite?

So, the moment Mifune laid eyes on Arachne he was all "zOMG SHE HAF BIG BOOBS!" and then "What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Arachne is the sun."

Now, whilst she was an evil bi-witch, Arachne had always dreamed ever since she was a little b-witch of a strong, heroic samurai to be her strong, heroic samurai.

So, when she laid eyes on Mifune she was all "OMG! I just found my strong, heroic samurai!" and then "Mifune, Mifune, wherefore art thou Mifune?"

"I'm here."

Arachne shot him a glare. "By 'wherefore', I meant 'why', stupid. Didn't you ever learn Shakespeare?"

Mifune answered with an extremely mushy monologue about true love that was so goddamn fluffy that my computer crashed and deleted it. (Cause it couldn't handle the TWU LUV)

But the b-witch was so enchanted that she immediately jumped on him in a moment of fangirl squealiness.

And so a steamy night of lemon and whatnot occurred, because sex makes everything more interesting, don't you agree?

AND MIFUNE WAS ALL LEIK OMG I LOVE YOU ARACHNE

AND ARACHNE WAS ALL OMG I LOVE YOU TOO!

(Note: I accidentally had Caps lock on. And I'm too lazy to go back and rewrite it. Deal with it.)

And then Black Star turned up and killed Mifune who delivered and angsty death speech (Angst makes everything better!) and died a dramatic death.

"I'm dying!"

Thank you, Mifune, for that oh-so-enlightening speech. Anyway, where are we?

Oh yeah, the male protagonist just died. Anyway, so Black Star was declaring what a god he is.

"I ISH GAAAAAAAWD!"

Okay, can people stop intruding on my story?

…Good. Now we'll continue.

So Arachne was being all Juliet-like and crying over Mifune's body and Black Star was busy declaring his godliness when somebody appeared…...

...…...It was Maka! (see my clever use of the overly long ellipsis there?)

So Maka got all powerful and whatnot through courage/the power of friendship/believing in herself/inner strength/Red Bull and killed Arachne who also delivered an epic death speech.

"…"

Okay Arachne, you can say your speech now.

"Ouch."

Why, Arachne, what a wonderful speech that was. I'm getting all tearful now.

And then they both died. Like Romeo and Juliet (see what the quotes at the beginning were there for? Geddit?)

Now, somehow it turned out that there two had a kid called Arifune, who had no gender because if Medusa can have a genderless kid, goshdarnit Arachne can have one too! So Arifune became the protagonist of a sequel in which nothing happened. There was just a sequel to try and get reviews.

And then the world imploded.

THE END

"Patti?" Liz asked, poking her head round the door. "What are you doing?"

"Noooothing!" her sister sang innocently. "Just playing Sims!"

"Uh-huh, okay then."

When Liz had left, Patti slammed down the "submit" button, then set to work on her next story.

AN: Killemenao for the ridiculously short chapter.

I haven't been updating any Soul Eater stories recently because I'm busy taking part in the Fairy Tail Writing Challenge, updating my most successful story and procrastinating.

Anyway, review. The review button is lonely. And not just any lonely. You know the feeling, when you're so lonely that you start talking to your pillow... that's only me? Dang it.

All hail the great LittleMissSophie, beta reader, ninja and superhero. HAAAIIIL.

B/R: I wasn't aware I was a super hero o3o WHAT AM I DOING IN SCHOOL THEN? It's been so long since I've done a B/R [which none of you read, 'cause who cares about the Beta Reader?] that I forgot what I'm supposed to put here. So I'm going to BREAK DANCE!

DUN DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN DUN! (Can't touch this)

Did you see that? It was the best thing ever, riiiigghhttt? /is being lame.

Oh right. I'm supposed to beg for reviews. 'Cause I'm shameless like that.

PLIZ REVIEW PLIZ, I HAVE A WIFE AND TWO KIDS TO FEED.

Happy? :D

Tune in next time for "Scarring your Favourite Characters for Life: How not to Write Romance", featuring Soul x Maka!