Author's Notes: This is Rated 'M' due to the dirty mouths of Okita, Gintoki, and the majority of the Gintama cast. Shizuo is still a Raira Academy Student, so he's around 16, and so are most of the people from his generation.

I would like to thank MidnightxBluexBlack for Beta-reading my fic. Thanks!

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Don't Use a Scalpel in a Swordfight

Prologue

Japanese Doors are Paper Thin because…

The universe is complex in design. It has many twists and turns that makes genii mad just by memorizing their sheer numbers. Of course, even with its complex design, a small nudge can create the most devastating and most unexpected effects.

Once upon a time, there were two explosions, and they were simultaneous. In one explosion, a young man traumatized his son into believing that the air around him is filthy. The other explosion made a man realize the wonders of Soy sauce.

Of course, nobody knew the change. One dimension happened to be in the middle of a war, and recently lost. Slowly, a building from one dimension popped in the other, and a building from the first dimension appeared on the second. As time passed by, more buildings began to pop on both dimensions that the gateway between the two disappeared, and the rift between them closed. No one noticed the change, not even the ones that caused the dimensional explosions.

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Shizuo looked at the traditional-style gates apprehensively. Written on a sign above them was 'Shinsengumi' in Kanji. Shifting a little bit to his left, he adjusted the bag he carried along with him nervously.

"What's taking them so long?" Shizuo glared to his side, staring at the other new recruits alongside him.

The other recruits were murmuring to themselves, waiting for an officer to arrive. Their voices made small, white noises in the background, the sun wasn't getting any cooler, the air was humid, and Shizuo had been standing in the exact same spot for the past hour; none of this was helping the fuse of Shizuo's temper.

He would have loved to sit down like the other males, but he wasn't sure that once he took a rest, the officer would come to collect them and would then quickly mark him off as a lazy slacker without anything better to do. His blonde hair was already a dead giveaway for his rebellious nature, and he didn't want to disappoint Kasuka into thinking that he couldn't manage to do something better with his strength.

During a trip to Kyoto, an open bombing took place in one of the areas the Heiwajima family was travelling in. Of course, it especially annoyed Shizuo because the noise and the panicking people fried his nerves. He was about to step up and beat the bombers for ruining his mood, when a squad of men in black and gold uniforms managed to alleviate the situation and apprehend the bombers, later identified as members from an international terrorist group, the Kihetai.

The squad that happened to come to the civilian's rescue was the infamous squad of the Shinsengumi's first captain, Okita Sougo, and with him, the Shinsengumi's 'Demon Vice-Commander', Hijikata Toushiro.

After a flashy and awesome display of strength, perseverance and desire to protect the civilians, everyone on scene couldn't help but look on in awe. It was unforgettable; the event couldn't be erased from the minds of the witnesses, even though days had already passed.

A few days later, a rumor came up that made Shizuo go on a rampage and chase one Izaya Orihara in Ikebukuro.

Sometime during that summer back in Ikebukuro, the Shinsengumi held a recruiting program, and Kasuka suggested that Shizuo join so that his temper wouldn't flare so much when he meets Izaya, leading to less property damage.

Without much of a second thought, their parents gave their thumbs up, and Shizuo went along.

That is how Shizuo found himself in Kyoto, in a street with cars barely passing by, with the sun burning down and the air hot on their skin. His temper was now simmering.

If an officer didn't show soon, he'd either get the hell out of here or smash down the gates.

"Hey you lazy asses, what the hell are you doing sitting down?" There was chaos. The recruits that were lazing around scampered to their previous lines in a frenzy to correct their appearance and to make the right impression.

Shizuo didn't see the officer come, nor did he see the gate open. It probably meant that an officer had been there all along. Squinting, he eyed whoever it was that had caught the attention of his fellow recruits.

It was none other than Hijikata Toushiro, smoking alongside Okita Sougo.

"So Hijikata-san, are we going to cut off their balls like planned?" the monotonous voice of the First Captain droned.

"What?" the recruits screamed in disbelief.

"Don't make things up, you bastard!" The Vice Commander aimed a punch towards the sixteen-year old, but he dodged the attack.

Shizuo's temper was now burning: he didn't come here to see a bloodbath; he came here to learn to control his temper, under the suggestion of his family. Now, these two were fanning the flame of noise and were keeping him out under the heat. If he didn't cool down soon, there would be blood.

"Then we're going with the other plan, right, Hijikata-san? The one with the part where they have to spin around three times with their balls in a bind while singing 'A Thousand Winds?'" Hijikata aimed a kick this time.

"Shut it, you bastard!" Diverting his attention away from the younger man, the older man faced the crowd of recruits.

"Welcome to the Special Law-Enforcement Division of Japan, the Shinsengumi. Before any one of you can rest, you need to be acquainted with the rules." Hijikata nodded towards Okita, and the teen managed to conjure a scroll out of thin air.

The characters were large and Shizuo could see it just fine from where he was standing.

"In the Shinsengumi, there are six rules. First of all, no one is allowed to deviate from the Bushido." Of course, the recruits couldn't help but complain. Many men murmured amongst themselves, and others couldn't help but be more vocal about it.

"Isn't that outdated?"

"Why should we even follow the Bushido?"

Glaring at the recruits that dared to voice out their rebellion, Hijikata said in a low and menacing tone, "It's that or I'll cut you down."

The air seemed cold, but Shizuo's temper was still going up. How long were they supposed to stand under the sun?

Gulping, many of the recruits shut up, fearing for their health and their balls.

"Rule Number Two: No one is allowed to abandon their post."

'Understandable, but hurry up,' Shizuo thought.

"Rule Number Three: No raising money for personal gain." People are people, and they will complain if unhappy.

"No way!"

"What if we want go get rich?"

"Hijikata-san, everyone seems to hate you even more now, so please die." Growling, the officer tried to hit Okita with his scabbard, but the teen dodged it.

"Shut the hell up you bastards!" Then silence.

"How scary, Hijikata-san."

Sighing and blowing some smoke, Hijikata went on: "Fourthly, no getting involved in litigations. Even if you kill someone by accident, the Shinsengumi and the government will not be responsible for your stupidity. Get your own lawyer."

Complaints were about to break out, but one glare silenced the attempt.

"Fifth: No engaging in private fights. This is the government—we should set examples for the citizens to follow." No one dared to complain.

"Last: Anyone that dares to break these rules," Hijikata paused, looking at each and every recruit in the eye. His eyes lingered a little bit on Shizuo before moving on, "must commit Seppuku."

"WHAT?"

No longer able to take the heat, the noise, and the petty drama, Shizuo let his temper out.

"How long do you want to keep me waiting? Fuck this; I'm out of here." Temper averted.

The crowd's eyes widened: someone had dared to curse the Vice Commander.

"Who the hell do you think you are, walking out of this, you bastard? You agreed to this, you should stick with it. What are you, a coward?" Temper returned.

Gritting his teeth and clenching his fists, Shizuo almost stomped towards Hijikata. Small cracks formed in the gravel with every step he made.

"What a brave soul. Do you need help killing Hijikata-san? Here, use my bazooka." Both hotheaded men ignored Okita.

With his blood pounding loud in his ears and heat going up, the blonde sneered at the 'Demon' Vice Commander.

"I agreed to this because I wanted to, and I didn't agree to standing under the sun. I might as well get out of here before I make you regret it." Hijikata was just as hotheaded as the other, unfortunately.

"Me, regret it? Hardly, you Fake Blondie. You will regret it if you don't shut the hell up and go back to your position." Without much of a second thought, a fist rammed Hijikata straight in the face, and the cigarette from his mouth fell.

There was a shocked silence. Okita ruined the silence with his monotonous remark, "Gasp, a direct hit. Now die, Hijikata."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" someone from the crowd screamed.

Shizuo, too, was shocked: Hijikata had barely moved from his position.

Scoffing, Hijikata removed the teen's hands from his face forcefully.

"Is that the best you got, Fake Blondie?"

With animalistic rage and the word 'Kill' repeating in his head like a ritualistic chant, Shizuo sent another punch with a cry of fury.

Hijikata dodged the blow, and in that moment, his fist met the teen's cheek in a swift blow. Shizuo, surprised by the force of the blow, nearly lost his balance. He managed to correct his footing and grab the older man by the arm, intending to throw him off.

Hijikata saw the move coming, but instead of dodging, he countered the blonde by gripping Shizuo's limb and then twisting it. He proceeded to subdue Shizuo by grabbing his other arm by the wrist that the blonde had intended to use to get the officer off him. Circling the teen's arms behind his back, Hijikata kneed Shizuo from behind and the blonde ended up kneeling on the ground in front of him.

Shizuo struggled to get out of the officer's hold, but Hijikata gripped the blonde firmly. Shizuo could hardly believe that someone had managed to match his strength.

Gritting his teeth, he tried shaking the officer off again, and then something cold pressed down on his neck. Shizuo froze, unused to the feeling of something sharp and possibly deadly pressing up close to his throat; something that could easily detach said object from his shoulders.

"You know, traitors are to commit hara-kiri, so how about we skip to the beheading part quickly." Now knowing there's no use in fighting back, Shizuo calmed down. His tense shoulders relaxed, Hijikata let him go, and Okita sheathed his sword.

Rather forcefully, Shizuo dusted off his clothes as he glared at the Vice-Commander.

Smirking, Hijikata lit another cigarette as he stomped on the one he dropped earlier, still smoldering on the pavement.

"Welcome to the Shinsengumi, Heiwajima punk."

They're made out of paper.