(Authors Notes) This is based on the events of the anime, not the slightly different manga. Wrote this cause the idea kept churning in my brain during my fortieth or fiftieth time watching the series

Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romantica in any way, I make no profit off this entirely fan-based piece of fiction and all rights belong to the writer and producers.

In the flashbacks I'm going to use a lot of Misaki's inter-talking lines just to make a point a watch for your favorites. Oh but don't get the idea I'm just going to copy what already happened these will be short and sweet

The truth is that I loved him first, which actually pisses me off.

The thing was that it hurt a lot, and nothing helped because I wanted him to be happy and he wouldn't get that with me.

So I did the only thing I could. I let him go.

And then he made us a couple without asking my opinion…bastard. I'll friggin murder him.

Misaki held up the long sharp butcher knife, his grip was firm and there was no hesitation as he swung it down into the cold neck. The brown haired boy hummed as he tugged slightly to pull the head away, it wasn't like he hadn't done this before and at first he had been upset about it but now it was just part of the process. Misaki tossed the head along with the un-seeing eyes into the trash, they wouldn't be used, not today. Placing the butcher knife to one side Misaki reached out absently for another type of knife- this was where the hard work really started.

Misaki was just about to start seasoning the diced fish when the buzzer near the door went off telling him that someone was at the door down on the outside of the building and needed to be buzzed in. Misaki turned down the heat on the simmering vegetables and headed over to the video intercom to see who it was. Actually to Misaki the door buzzing was something of a dark taboo to him, because the only people that seemed to come around where freaks that where out to ruin his day in some way or another, and it sure as hell wasn't a coincidence that they where all Usami's. Just like a certain person.

Misaki pumped his fist into the air when he saw that it was a person in a delivery outfit holding a package, "I have a packaged box for one Misaki Takahashi," The man said into the mike, "Come on up," Misaki answered, holding down the button so the man could hear him. Misaki buzzed him in once again wondering if all rich people had things like this, and within a few minutes a knock was heard at the door. Curious Misaki signed for the package and placed it on the coffee table.

"Was someone at the door?" Usagi was leaning against his door frame with a heavy body and dark lines under his eyes. It had been a few days since Misaki had seen the writer looking healthy, he got like this some times. He was in one of his flows and it looked like he was only just about finishing up what potion of whatever nonsense he was writing. "Oh yeah," Misaki sighed as his room mate padded over to the couch and plopped down, clearly on the verge of death. "Someone sent me a box- AH!"

Misaki spied the vegetables he was supposed to be not burning, the boy headed back into the kitchen. Something drastic always ended up happening when Usagi emerged but Misaki had learned he preferred his company to none at all- unless he was going to the store, then having Usagi tag along was more trouble then it was worth. "You finish your manuscript?" Misaki asked as peered into the rice cooker to check up on the rice. "No," Usagi said with a drawn out groan. "It had better not involve anyone named Misaki," Misaki dead panned.

Usagi didn't answer, just pulled his bear up by him. "I want coffee," Usagi ordered. "Hey! At least pretend it was a request." Misaki mumbled as his body moved itself and made a cup of coffee, "Anyway, if you have laundry that needs done just leave it out, although doing laundry wouldn't be so difficult if someone didn't insist on wearing tie's even at home." Misaki hinted without really putting in any effort, it was more an absentminded scolding.

"Anyway dinners just about ready," When Misaki had ended up as a moocher he instantly offered to do the household stuff like cooking to try and give back a little, it would have killed him to be unable to do something when he was intruding like this but he hadn't expected Usagi to then promise to be at every meal. And he had kept the promise, so now they always ate together, "I'm using up the left over fish, so tomorrow we'll have something new." Misaki called as he started getting down the bowls.

Usagi didn't answer and Misaki looked over to find Usagi going through the box he had set on the coffee table, "Oi! Don't go though other peoples things!" Misaki hollered over at him in a exasperated manner. "Honesty," Misaki finished setting the table, "Its from Takahiro," Usagi said with his deep tones. "Misaki looked up, "From my brother?" Usagi was holding something up to his eyes with a smile, "Ohhhh Misaki you where cute as a baby, look at this adorable behind it's hard to believe I would later-" Misaki dove over and snagged away the photo "STOP LOOKING!"

"What on earth did my brother send me?" Misaki stepped around the couch and peered into the box, inside was a bunch of junk with a note on top, Misaki picked it up and read through it. "From Takahiro? What does it say?" Usagi asked absently as he flipped through more stolen photos, "Seems like he found a box of some things my parents packed away for me a long time ago and decided to send it to me," Misaki's eyebrows flattened into irritancy "Although it say's he's decided to keep some baby pictures to frame and keep around his house…what's the point of that!"

Usagi hummed as he paused on a picture of a woman holding a two year old Misaki who was covered in some kind of batter or frosting given that they where in the kitchen, "Takahiro always adored you, he would talk about you for hours at me. It was annoying." Usagi said flatly. "Well pardon me for having a loving brother!" Misaki called over his shoulder and he started shifting through the box, "Whatever, we'd better eat first before I go through this- and give back those." Misaki snatched the photo's away from a somewhat put out Usagi. Misaki stuffed them back into the box and stood up.

"Come on the food will get cold and I need time to go shopping before I do my homework." Misaki walked towards the table but quickly backtracked and pulled Usagi away from where he was opening the box again and sat him down at the table, next to where Suzuki, Usagi favorite bear was already sitting. Misaki wasn't sure when Suzuki became a standard member of meal time but once when the bear was at the dry cleaners both Misaki and Usagi had spent the meal staring at the empty spot like it was missing something. It was weird.

Usagi was hold his chopsticks but he looked kind of out of it, Misaki however, wouldn't be fooled he knew that at any moment Usagi could turn into a crazed sex fiend. "Eat all of it, all those cigarettes you smoke aren't doing anything good for you." Misaki ordered. Usagi just popped a piece of fish into his mouth , "What shopping store are we going to?" Usagis asked, his smooth voice capturing Misaki's attention. "Oh? Um I was planning on the one near the book store, we just need some essentials and we're out of milk…but uh…" Misaki hesitated awkwardly and Usagi looked up at him questioningly.

"Are you sure you should be going out? I mean wouldn't it be better to get some rest?" Misaki asked, Usagi looked over at him through shadowed eyes, "Uh? Why?" 'Cause you look like your gonna die!" Misaki roared internally. The boy sighed. "I'm telling you this can't be good for you." Before Misaki had moved in Usagi had just had his groceries ordered and sent to him or he got take out, when Misaki moved in and said he'd do the cooking Usagi just started leaving him food money. Although the first time he left him food money it was a ridiculously large amount, Misaki had told him flatly that "Nobody needs that much food! I couldn't spend all of this if I tried!" but when Usagi came with him for the first time and ended up buying a huge train set, Misaki just decided to let it go.

"It will be fine, by the way who is this girl?" Usagi held up a another photo that showed Misaki and a girl who where both wearing school uniforms sitting around a small table. "When did you swipe that!" Usagi's eye brow twitched. "who is she?" Misaki stared at him for a moment and then sighed, placing a hand on his forehead "She was just a friend from school, she and I got stuck with planning the class activity for the school festival so one day when she came over we had started goofing off and drawing stupid comics of our teacher and my brother snapped a picture. I swear he was always doing that." Misaki's eyebrows turned sulky at the end.

"What did you think of her?" Misaki looked up blankly "Eh?" Usagi scowled, "I said what did you think of her?" 'Crap he's pissed' "I don't know what you mean! She was just a girl I barely remember her!" Misaki defended confusedly. "Then," Usagi was suddenly next to him his face close and breath ghosting over Misaki. "How do you feel about me?"

Misakis cheeks flushed as he scowled, "What brought this on? Besides…I already told you how I feel." He mumbled. "Oh, that's right you did." Usagi agreed. "Well then, seal it with a kiss?" Usagis face was right next to Misakis. "Kiss me Misaki." The boy's cheeks where flaming red, "I'm going to the store!" Misaki made a mad dash leaving Usagi stewing at his escape. "From back then, I just can't let it go. What I went through, even though step by step I've fallen in love with him. Because of back then I-…' Misaki got his shoes.

'anyway I'll do the dishes later'

"Misaki I want these." Misaki looked over his shoulder at Usagi who was holding up watermelon flavored corn puffs. "Where did you even find those?" Misaki asked blankly, "Over there" Usagi waved a hand but he was still holding the snack expectantly "Well, if you want I guess." Misaki didn't know why Usagi insisted on asking him for anything he was just going to buy anyways but Misaki had learned putting up a fuss over the small stuff was a waste of energy.

Misaki studied two types of hamburger "Usagi which one do you think-Hey!" Usagi was leaning against the cart, his arms folded over the handle and his head hanging low. Misaki watched was Usagi coughed into his hand and held his four head. Misakis couldn't help his own eye brows when they pulled upward in distress, "Hey now, I knew you shouldn't have left the house. This is what you get for pushing yourself so much. Geez" Misaki placed a hand on Usagis shoulder.

"Misaki," Usagis voice sounded like death, "W-what?" Misaki asked worriedly, "Did that girl really mean nothing?" Usagi asked, Misaki blinked "Excuse me?" Usagi coughed again, "That girl," Misaki scowled "At a time like this? I told you before! She was just a friend why are you making just a big deal about this?" Usagi smiled but it wasn't one of happiness "I keep thinking one day you'll disappear, I just want to know for a fact that…you are…mine. Forever, I have to know…I can't bare it" Usagi seemed to be having trouble breathing but Misaki froze when after a moment Usagi slumped forward, and Misaki only had a moment to dive forward and catch his shoulders before he hit the floor.

The people around them stopped and everyone was speaking in worried tones but Misaki just held tight "You've done it now." 'I should have made him stay home, I knew he was out of it, I should have done something, anything.. Not again, don't let this happen again." Misaki only moved when the Emergency workers showed up to load Usagi into an ambulance. "I'm going with."

"Mr. Takahashi?" Misaki turned around from his chair next to the bed, "that's me," Misaki stood up, "Well now-" The doctor flipped a page on the cart he was holding and studied it, "Its not anything serious, he just needs some sleep and proper diet and he'll be fine. However records show this isn't the first time this has happened?" Misaki nodded, "yeah he's a writer so-" The doctor nodded, "Well whatever the case he should be fine to take home when he wakes up, I just need someone to make sure he gets plenty of sleep for the next two weeks, is there any family or someone who can do this?"

Misaki nodded, "Yeah we live together so I'll do it." Misaki could have sworn he saw the doctors eyes gleam knowingly and Misaki groaned when the man smirked and walked out. Misaki stared after him for a moment then turned back to Usagi, he felt overwhelming worry and guilt crush over him once more. "you'll be fine, I'm sure of it. Misaki ran his fingers over Usagis large hands. The hands the made him dizzy and safe…and kinda grabby. Misaki knelt next to the bed and pushed his face into the blanket 'I have to know, I cant bare it.' That was what Usagi had said, and then as if to prove his point the had fallen over, like he was dead.

"Sorry, I'm sorry." Misaki murmured. "I can't bare it either." His voice was soft and hurt, "MISAKI what happened!" Misaki looked up in time to see Usagis editor burst into the room, "Ms. Aikawa!" The woman walked up to the bed "Oh Usami," She sighed, "You'd better have finished the section before you collapsed or I wont forgive you." Misaki almost backed away from the death aura emanating from the woman. 'I can't bare it' Misaki lowered his head, Usagis damn voice kept radiating from his head. 'stupid Usagi' Misaki cursed.

Misaki sighed and sat down in a chair, "Misaki, you ok?" Aikawa was looking him up and down, "Hey, Ms. Aikawa." Misaki asked. "Um yes?" She answered blankly "If…you had something to say but you couldn't say it or something, just hypothetical and you didn't know how and you didn't want to but you felt you had to and-!" The woman held up a hand, "Slow down!" She said as she tried to unscramble Misaki's increasingly fast paced words.

After a moment she glanced down at the still sleeping writer in his white hospital outfit and then back to Misaki who was staring at him with something akin to guilt, "Well I'm not sure what's going on but you do know this idiot here collapsed because he forgot how to do something as basic as sleep, right?" Misaki looked away 'I can't bare it'

"Yeah," Misaki said flatly. Aikawa stared at him for a moment her head tilting in curiosity, then she shrugged and started to walk to the door before pausing "Well I'm probably bias being a book editor and all but in my line of work whenever something…is going on my people tend to write about it. Just to get a feel for what they are feeling or might want to say even." The woman shrugged "Even that idiot," She jerked a thumb towards Usagi "His writing reflects what he's feeling, I have to force him to write objectively sometimes." She scowled at the reminder of work and walked out. Misaki stared after her.

"Writing, huh?" The boy looked down at his shoes.

'I'm not ready to tell Usagi anything but I…I just. Maybe I will try writing, just for me' After a bit of rummaging Misaki found a pen and pad in Usagis bedside table, he knew he should be going home to grab some clothes for Usagi and some basics like toothbrush's but for just a moment he wanted to try this, just because 'I can't bare it'…Stupid Usagi.

After a moment Misakis world began to flow onto the paper and on it everything inside of his poured out.

Actually I fell in love first, but its not like in the movies or like what the world sets you up believing it will be like. Truth is this love hurt.

I first met him, he was latched on to my brother.

The worst possible first impression! This was how I met Usagi A.K.A the great lord Usami

And this great lord, by some twist of fate, was going to be…my tutor.

But then he did stuff! And some other stuff happened! What a pervert, if only the masses knew!

Anyway that's how he became my tutor, I boasted about how awesome I was, because my grades did improve rapidly, but the truth was that Usagi was way better then my teachers at school. But I was still proud, however for some reason my improvement had a hollow ring to it. Because no matter what I did it wasn't about what I did he wasn't seeing me it was all about…brother. It was when I was so proud I wanted to see Usagi and show him my improvement on the smallest chance that I would get praised. I realized how pathetic I was, like a love struck maiden rushing into the sunset. Then I realized I really wanted to be around this person but…no matter what I did comments like

"A c, good I want to see Takahiro smile when you get accepted" I would get put off

I asked him if he loved my brother that much, he told me not to worry, that it was one-sided.

I told him my brother had a girlfriend

He told me he knew but that being close to the one you love was enough.

In that moment I realized that whatever prelude to adoration or…love I might be feeling would have to be crushed. There was no way, he loved my brother too much. I saw the way he looked at him, like he was talking to a precious jewel, taking such great care. Even thought he adored with all his heart, my brother didn't even-

That's just too painful

Before I could think I told him "Just get the woman out of the picture" He told me I was a kid but I knew already it was impossible, he would never take the slightest chance at hurting my brother who he adored. What a fool

But I understood then, that I couldn't carry on wanting his affection and watching him kill himself over a one sided love. So I swore to myself I would never love that man, never even think of him as a friend! It wasn't like he was even looking at me anyways. It shouldn't be that hard after all he was the one that did - and - to me, without me wanting too…but then I was the one that gave in so easily.

I swore I would let that man go, never live a one sided anything. I didn't even want to be around that fool…yeah that's a lie I still expected him to praise me.

Until my brothers party (Where Usagi latched onto him instantly)

IT was the first time I ever wanted to hit my brother, how could he say that? "I wanted to tell you first"

I cried then because I knew how much it was hurting him, and then I held him, his lips where on mine and I couldn't move to stop it, but I couldn't hang on to him either.

But when Usagi held me and I felt his tears on my shoulder I couldn't stop myself from thinking

'if only I could be with him always, if I could only be that special person' with thought like that running through my head I found myself unable to remove the arms id put around him.

Sympathizing with that romantic was my downfall

And then I started living as a moocher in his house,

He claimed I was the only one for him now, but I couldn't believe it

Misaki sighed and stretched his hand, it hurt from writing so much. The boy frowned, a lot of what he had written didn't make sense but they where all how he felt at that time. He glanced at Usagi who slept on and then picked up the pen once more

He wouldn't have to do this if it wasn't for that sleeping idiot.

And I found out he had started writing me into porn…like he had done with my brother. What's up with this guy anyways?

It was like my brother became instantly off the market and Usagi latched onto the closest thing, except he didn't treat me like my brother

He was in love with my brother and like a fool he kept a one sided love for ten years

If it was me I'd never be able to move on

But then why was he putting his hands all over me?

I ended up saying some hurtful things and the told him I wasn't a replacement for my brother and he told me that he thought I was the one, and he would never give me up. We had so many god damn problems but…the times that things like

Me thinking - my hearts going to burst

Me loving his smell

Me melting under his big hands.

I was supposed to let him go but the more I resisted the more Usagi and I fell into it deeper. I had to rediscover everything, clumsily, slowly. Piece by piece realize I loved him and then…realize that I loved him first. But I'm not going to tell him that. I'll fight as long as I can! Because I let him go because he was stupid. There's no way I'll give in that easily.

And it's embarrassing

Stupid Usagi

His head felt heavy, that was the first realization Usagi had as he came too. It didn't take much to realize he was in a hospital room. "You're awake!" Usagi spied the familiar red hair of his editor 'damn' "WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING!" Usagi stared at her absently. "Next time finish the damn manuscript and take a god damn nap!" The woman sighed, "Do you have any idea what you've done to that kid?"

"That kid? Misaki." Usagi sat up straighter and looked around, taking all of three second to spy the young man, his knees where drawn up to his chest and his head was buried in his arms around what looked like a note pad. He seemed to have smunched himself in the corner and fallen asleep there.

"you really messed him up you know," Usagi looked up at the woman who was looking at Misaki," I'm not sure why but to him you collapsing from exhaustion was about life or death for him. Seemed really upset he hadn't kept you home…it was really sweet!" Usagi sighed, but after a moment his eyes widened 'that brat wouldn't be thinking about his parents? Blaming himself for not being attentive enough?'

Usagi sighed again, "Hey," the man looked up with a seemingly indifferent face but his eyes promised murder. "No need to look like that, anyway-" the woman's voice softened, "I'm not sure what's up, but the kind seemed really upset about something. I told him to write out his feelings; you didn't say anything to upset him did you?" Usagi stared at her flatly "Me?"

"YES YOU!" Usagi frowned but a dim recollection of demanding something of Usagi in the store before everything swirled rose up. "I don't think so," The woman sighed "You'd better be grateful to have him; he's stayed by your side this whole time, longer then any of your other visitors. You've been out for two days." Aikawa looked like she was going to continue talking but instead she shrugged and after a moment her phone buzzed and she answered it and walked out "Misaki" Usagi turned to look and the figure curled into the corner, even though he knew he wasn't supposed to Usagi climbed out of bed and padded over to Misaki "Oi, wake up." Usagi nudged the boy and after a moment bleary eye blinked up at him "What are you doing on the floor?" Misaki looked at him foggily, "hmmm? Oh writing and then I-" Usagi raised a brow "Writing?" Misaki however looked like he was going to fall asleep again.

Usagi scooped the boy up and placed him on the small hospital bed, the clatter of something as it fell from eh once again sleeping Misakis grasp caught Usagis attention and he picked up the notepad 'what is he using this for?' Usagi laid on the bed with Misaki, pulling the boy halfway onto him when it was clear the bed wasn't beg enough. After a moment the man could be seen flipping open a note pad and reading.

Misaki came to as the feeling of warm smoothed its way up his stomach "ah!" Misaki opened his eyes to a familiar sight. Usagi was looming over him, his large warm hand working their way under his clothing. "Hey! That do you think your- Ah!

It wasn't until later Misaki thought to look foe the note book and it was several weeks before he stopped blush/glaring at his house mate.

"I hate you"

"You love me"

"Die!"

(Authors Note)

Wrote this cause I watch episode one and I'm like, you totally love him and then despite his issues he clearly loves him so I was like 'what if?' anyway I actually hate this. It didn't turn out anything like I wanted but I didn't have the control to turn this into a long and amazing story like it is in my head. Its cheesy and dumb

P.S. for those huge fans, you'll notice that in Misakis writing, it was a lot of it is the stuff he didn't say out loud, cause all the cute stuff in the series Misaki only thought and I would with Usagi could hear, so that's how this came about