Title: Fix You (1/?)
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Tragedy strikes Arizona while in Africa, forcing her to come home.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do not intend to profit in any way, shape or form by posting this story. It's for fun, nothing more, and nothing less. Please don't sue me.

A/N: JJ and I are still working on As Time Goes By, but I've had something brewing in my head and it's actually caused me to be blocked on the other story, so here's what I've been working on. It's fairly dark in comparison to most other things I write, but I hope anyone that takes the time to read it, enjoys it. Comments are always love and constructive criticism is wanted and revered. Thank you to everyone that's helped me with this (especially Drea, JJ and JChris my LiveJournal homies and from fanfiction .net)

Africa should have been amazing, but the first thing I felt when I arrived at the clinic was despair and utterly alone. The smell of the sand in the air made my throat itch and the overwhelming scent of death in the air caused a visceral reaction through my entire body. I chose to be here and to help children that would ultimately die, but my heart never made it on the plane and for the past two months I've done nothing but work and cry, work and cry, work and cry.

I could tell the locals were weary of me at first, especially since I couldn't control the waterworks behind my eyes, but after saving a dozen children they finally warmed up to me. I worked long hours, most days were eighteen hour shifts, and I think the locals just felt I was committed and dedicated to this cause, to saving their children, as many as I could during the short period I would be staying there, but that was so far from the truth of the matter. Work was the only way I could distract myself and the more I worked, the more exhausted I would be and exhaustion was the only way I would have a dreamless night. It only took me two nightmares before I decided to plunge deeper into the work at hand. So many children needed me and I was definitely making a difference, but I couldn't stop crying and the pain in my chest was not going away.

I was beginning to wonder if it ever would.

Today marks the ninth week of my personal self-inflicted purgatory and the gaping hole in my heart had me weeping as I stood in front of the door to the clinic in which I worked. I had lit another cigarette and took a long drag. It did nothing to calm my nerves or the feeling of despair which coiled in the pit of my stomach, but the movement was comforting and the smoke in my lungs made me feel a different pain and the feeling was so welcoming. To feel something other than the tearing of my heart was a welcome relief, but it was short lived and made me itch to repeat the torture to my body. I suppose that's why I was already on my second pack this week. At this rate, instead of kicking this disgusting habit, I'd end up a chain smoker upon my return to Seattle. What would Calliope think then?

I drop the half smoked stick to the ground and grind it out with the tip of my boot. I miss my heelies, but really, the clinic was so filled with dirt and sand that I doubt I would have been able to wheel around anyway. These kids here, though I may talk to them and operate and save them, I feel bad for them because they are not getting my best. I am not the Dr. Robbins I once was and lately, I've been having as much trouble putting smiles on the faces of my patients as I have been putting a smile on my own face. Smiles, laughter and happiness have been as foreign to me as the language spoken here, but I suppose that's my own fault. I've been too busy wallowing in self-pity and generally being miserable and working myself to complete exhaustion to bother trying to learn the language or make friends with any of the other doctors and helpers here. I suppose it's a shame, but I doubt any of them would care to know the monster I really am. The person who pulled Calliope Torres' heart out of her chest, flopped it to the ground and then proceeded to do a Mexican hat dance all over it… and in the middle of an airport, no less.

A monster I am indeed. Perhaps kids should be checking under their beds and deep inside their dark closets for me.

I hear some shuffling to my left and glance over my shoulder to see Dr. Azibo Bomani step up next to me. I only remember his name because he told me it meant Earth Warrior and that he used his powers to help the children here. He made me feel like a super hero for two seconds, but then I saw Calliope's face as I turned and walked away from her and knew I would never be anything like I once was. Africa changed me and it was not the change I thought it would be. I was not the superhero with a prestigious grant saving the lives of children with a smile on her face… No, I was the villain who decided the greater good was worth trampling over the person I loved the most. The deep seeded fear that lurked in my heart kept pushing me to forget about Calliope and Seattle and the epic love we found in the aftermath of the hospital shooting because it knew that there was no way Calliope Torres would ever forgive me. She would never be able to forgive me for being like George O'Malley or like Erica Hahn, leaving her standing alone while pleading in despair. No, I was far worse than either of them could ever be, because I had given her hope for a future. A future together, little Calliope's running with little Arizona's, a home we would share with a huge backyard, a dog and of course, the chickens.

He holds a bottle of water toward me with a smile. "You, Dr. Robbins, need to drink more water, because I fear you will become dehydrated and wither away before my very eyes if you do not. The tears have not stopped since you arrived. Do not think we have not noticed."

I scoff at his words, but take the bottle of water and open it. I take a long pull from the bottle before replacing the cap. "Thank you. I'll be sure to stay well hydrated." I held up the bottle and nodded toward it.

"I do not mean to intrude on your personal life, Dr. Robbins, but why are you here?" He sighed and looked around my feet at the dozen half smoked sticks of cigarettes half buried in the sand. "You are not happy here, though you appear to be happy with your work. You have saved many children, but they could be fixed by another doctor of your choosing. Did you not think the grant committee would let another doctor come in your place and let you lead things from your home? You came, you started the clinic, and you have been miserable the entire time, why not go home and send someone else to see to the day to day operations?"

His words made sense to me and the feeling of nausea melted through my body. I have never felt so completely obtuse before in all my life. Such a logical thought, why didn't it even occur to me before? Was it because I wanted to be the doctor to change these lives? Could a few days a year have been enough for me, if it meant I could still be with Calliope? The answer to that question made my stomach churn and had I remembered to eat anything that morning, I would probably be bent over a trash can right now, expelling it right out of my stomach.

"You agree with me then?" He smiled at my reaction and I realize I've been so lost in my despair, that I didn't recognize that he saw me. He saw my desperate anguish and the pain I was in and I was touched that he worried enough to say anything to me, when I hadn't given any of the doctors here half a thought at obtaining friendships.

"I… I made a huge mistake… Coming here… Well, not coming here, to Malawi, I mean, I made a mistake in agreeing to the long commitment, but I did make that commitment and I'm here now and it's not like I can just go to the grant committee and explain that I'm miserable because I b… b-broke my girlfriend's heart and left her in order to make good on the p-promises I've made. And even if I did, how do I go back and try to explain to her, when I left her in the most g-gut wrenching of ways?" I sniffle lightly and shake my head before looking up to the sun that bears down on us. "How do I make her understand how sorry I am and if there is any way p-possible for me to make it right, when all I can think about is what a m… m… m-mess I've made?" I swallow the lump of discomfort that formed in my throat while letting all of this out and wipe the tears off my cheeks, despite knowing that the tracks will soon be forged in tears again. "I love her so much and I'm p-pretty certain I've lost her for good, regardless of my noble intentions. So that's why I stay here and see to the day to day operations. I save kids and hope with all that I have that the next kid might ease the pain in my heart a little. That saving one more child will make it hurt less when I think about all that I gave up in order to be here. That the smile on one healthy child that would have died had I not been here might help my heart smile again…"

I sigh deeply and pull out another cigarette from the package which was tucked away in my scrub pants pocket. I light the cigarette and take a deep drag, relishing in the pain that fills my lungs as the smoke weaves through them and then is expelled from my nostrils. Dr. Bomani watches in silence, unable to think of anything more comforting to say to me after my rant. "I could save every child in all of Malawi, but I don't think that would be enough to mend my broken heart… Or my Calliope's heart, the heart I broke." Thinking of Calliope again makes another torrent of tears run down my cheeks. She'd be disgusted with my smoking and would refuse to kiss me. I drop the barely started cigarette to the sand at my feet and grind it out with my boot before turning around and heading back into the clinic. I have a surgery to begin in ten minutes.

Five hours later there was another life saved, but my heart was still heaving in its desperation to seek comfort in the person it was made for; my heart wanted to be complete with its partner… Calliope. When did I start to lack the focus I needed to survive? I never needed someone before, but Calliope made me break my own rules and she changed me to the core. The essence of my very being changed because of Calliope Torres and I changed for the better. At least, I thought it was for the better, but I'm human and I make mistakes and I hurt people, especially the one person I truly love. How am I ever going to live without her?

I found myself in front of the clinic again, standing among the many cigarettes lining the floor. It was a graveyard of my thoughts, each cigarette dying when thoughts of Calliope entered my mind. What a waste of money, I don't think I've managed to take more than one drag from each cigarette, but I suppose braking this particular vice would be a good thing. I can't help but wonder how Calliope is coping without me. She was so broken after Erica and I helped put her back together. It took time and love, but we managed and she was so, so worth it. I wonder who is putting her back together now. Who would be able to fix what I've broken? Would Calliope even want to try again? The thought of her never getting a happy ending just breaks my heart all over again, but the thought of her getting a happy ending with anyone but me makes me wish I could do it all over again. I would never even apply for this damn grant.

Should I curse my ability as a doctor? Callie always said we were rock stars and she proved it with her work ethic and her cartilage research and I proved it with my work and finally winning this grant. It was a big deal. The story was covered in several medical journals and my name just became more synonymous with pediatric medicine. I wanted that, but it was all tainted with the look that haunted Calliope as news broke of my achievement. She didn't congratulate me, but she didn't harp about it either, she just seemed indifferent and that hurt. It hurt so much, because I wanted her to be proud of me. I'm a fool though, she didn't need to say it, I felt it! I knew she was happy for me and I should have known that her voicing it just would have made it real. And things went downhill after that anyway, because it was real.

The sun was going down and setting the sky aflame in bright orange and deep reds. It was beautiful here, but I couldn't enjoy it. I didn't enjoy anything anymore. I resented my work, because it forced me into an impossible situation. I resented my family for teaching me to honor and uphold commitments to the greater good above personal pleasure. I resented Africa for being in the situation that it needed me so desperately. I resented Calliope for not being able to hide her displeasure at coming with me, but if I was truly honest with myself, I'm glad she didn't. Otherwise I would have never been able to force her to stay and she would be resenting me right now and how could I live with myself knowing that? Then again, I'm sure she hates me right now and I'm finding it harder and harder not to hate myself too.

I'm jerked out of my reverie by the sounds of approaching jeeps. Dr. Bomani steps outside next to me and puts his hand over his eyes, squinting and looking toward the dustbowl that is heading toward the clinic. The size of the approaching cloud has me on edge; this doesn't look like one or two jeeps bringing in a kid that needs help. I can actually feel the ground shaking slightly as several horses appear running next to at least six jeeps. There are at least fifteen men approaching, all wearing bandanas over their faces and berets on their heads. I'm quite scared as three of them men on horseback approach and start talking to Dr. Bomani, who stepped out to greet them. The jeeps drive by and most of the others follow.

Dr. Bomani looks at me with wide-eyes and then shakes his head to the men on horseback. They are huge, two wearing blue berets and one, who I assume is the leader, wearing a pristine white beret. He looked at me and I felt a tingle travel down my spine, I've seen that look before. Dr. Bomani looks as though he's pleading with them about something and I'm completely clueless. Two of the men hand the reigns from their horses to the leader who nods and then points out me. At this point, the conversation turns to English.

"Azibo, we are friends, so I am giving you the chance to go inside and get medical equipment ready to treat, but we will not tolerate homosexuals in our country. Chikosi heard you and told us that this person was operating on our children. How could you let this happen? You are lucky we are not killing either of you, but we cannot let this go unpunished and we must ensure this person will not be able to operate on any more children." The man in the white beret looked at me with such hatred. He then turned back to Dr. Bomani who looked as though he could just pee in his pants right in front of me.

"I am sorry, Dr. Robbins." He turned and ran into the clinic, leaving me alone with the man in the white beret looking menacingly at me.

"You Americans think you can fix everything, with your money and supposed intelligence, but I have no idea what makes you think you can come to Malawi and break our laws. Homosexuality is punishable by death, but you have been graced with the fact you saved many children here, we are only going to stop you from operating. You are then to leave this place at once and never return."

I have never been so scared in all my life. The man nodded to his two cohorts and one of them grabbed me. I tried to struggle and get away, but the other man punched me against my cheek and then threw his knee into my stomach. The man in the white beret laughed as I lurched over myself and threw up everything I haven't been eating in days.

"This will go a lot easier if you don't struggle."

At this point, I closed my eyes and pictured Calliope in my mind. She smiled at me and caressed me cheek. She leaned in and kissed my lips and that was when searing pain ripped through my entire body. The man to my right had placed my right palm against the floor and then the other man stomped on my hand with his foot. I heard the crackle of bones breaking and in my mind I saw Calliope kneeling over a small boy. He had bright blue eyes and a mop of blonde hair. He was missing a tooth in the front of his mouth and he was grinning up at Calliope. He had just fallen off his bike and it looked as though he broke his arm, but he was being strong and not crying. Calliope whispered in his ear how proud she was of him and then said they'd go to the hospital to check him out.

My eyes were still closed and I was feeling white hot pain in my hands. They repeated the process with my other hand and I could actually feel bone breaking skin on each of my hands. The man who was holding me still pushed me to the floor and I just fell in tears. He kicked me in the stomach three more times before Dr. Bomani rushed back outside.

"I called the police and the grant committee. You best be leaving before any of them arrive." He waved his arms at them.

The two men mounted the horses and started to ride off. The man with the white beret spit on me. "Do not be at this clinic come tomorrow. Be gone, back to your world and stay far away from ours." He then turned the horse and rode off.

Dr. Bomani picked me up and walked me into the clinic. He laid me on a gurney and I couldn't help but lift my hands to look at them. Blood was everywhere and they were swollen and I was in an amazing amount of pain. He lifted my shirt and muttered under his breath that it looked as though I had a few broken ribs as well. "I am so sorry, Dr. Robbins. I could not have stopped them. I did not know someone listened in on our conversation, I'm so sorry."

I was crying and flailing, so he lowered my arms to my sides and strapped me against the gurney. I feel a needle poking my skin and assumed he gave me a sedative. I felt calmer and the pain was starting to dissipate. I looked around the room and Dr. Bomani was explaining what happened to a nurse and she looked horrified. Whether it was because I was a lesbian or what happened to me, I have no idea. I couldn't move anything and my hands were still in pain. What was I going to do now? Did I give up everything just to waste two months of my life living in complete misery, only to lose everything because I told another doctor about my girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend. Is this irony or just my pathetic life?

"Don't think like that, Sis." I heard the voice of my brother. Now I know I must be losing it, since he's been dead for years. "I'm always watching over you, Arizona. You need to stay calm, alright?"

I laughed bitterly. I need to stay calm while knowing I have no more career? A surgeon without hands, that's like a baseball pitcher with no ball.

"That was a really lame analogy, Sis."

Well, what do you expect? I'm hopped up on who knows what with hands the size of baseball gloves, I figured baseball would be the way to go.

"You're just thinking about baseball because we used to play together."

He smiled down at me. My big brother, Timothy, with his blue eyes and handsome blonde buzz cut. He always looked so debonair in his uniform. I was so proud of him.

"I'm proud of you too, Sis. You honored your commitment, but it's time for you to go home. Go home, see mom and dad and then go get your girl back. I know how you've been feeling since you left and you came and you did good work, but it's time to go back to her."

She won't want me, Tim, I proved to her that I was no better than George O'Malley or Erica Hahn or her father. I'm just another person in a long line of people that have abandoned her.

"I know you don't believe that, Sis, you have faith in Callie and she does in you. She's going to want to help you, you know? And you did good, Sis! Your woman is hot and I'm totally going to dance so hard in heaven during your wedding."

He tilted his head slightly at me and his smile widened, showing off his ultra-white teeth. I felt tears streaming down the sides of my face and I could do nothing to stop them and I couldn't move my hands to wipe them away. "Tim… Tim, take me with you. I c-can't be on this planet without her and without surgery. Please, I miss you and I want to be with you again. I can't be here, there's nothing more for me here."

"You have your whole life ahead of you, Sis, don't give up, not now. Not when there's someone out there dreaming of you, just like you're dreaming about her."

She rolled her eyes and looked away from him. "Please, Tim, just put me out of my misery…"

Dr. Bomani looked at the nurse to his left with wide-eyes. "Who is she talking too?"

"I don't know, doctor. She was just staring into space and then she suddenly started talking to no one." The nurse was busy taking Arizona's blood and working on getting tests done.

"I knew she was not eating much, but perhaps this is a hallucination due to dehydration. Let us get an IV hooked up and start giving her fluids. The police will be here soon, they are escorting her to a plane and flying her immediately back to the states on a special military medical transport. Apparently, they have already notified her father and he has pulled some strings."

The nurse nodded to Dr. Bomani and got right to work. She was sad, because Arizona Robbins was a damn good surgeon and she saved a lot of lives while here and now… Well, now it would be doubtful that she would be able to be a surgeon any longer

Arizona stared into Tim's face. He smiled at her and mouthed the words, I love you, Sis and then he slowly turned and started walking away. He faded with each step until he was gone. "Please Tim… TIM!"

Arizona woke up two days later in Johns Hopkins hospital. She had a private suite in the hospital and was being treated like a queen; after all, she was Johns Hopkins royalty. Ever since her residency days at the school, her teachers knew she was one of the ones to look out for. They knew she would go far due to her skills, but it was her work ethic and attention to patients and parents that would eventually push her to be the best in her field. The Carter-Madison grant was just one of her crowning achievements. Several interns and students worked their way into her room to try and talk to her and pick her brain about medicine since she woke, but she just opted to stare out of the window and ignore the eye sores which were attached to her arms and the many other eyes that lay upon her. Her mother and father made apologies for her, but Arizona hadn't spoken a word since she woke up and the local doctor told her there wasn't anything more they could do for her. She didn't hear anything he said after he mentioned that he pieced together as much of her fingers he could. He tried to appease everyone by saying they could go back in and try to do more when the risk of infection was less, but her parents just nodded and thanked him for their help. They would be getting a second opinion.

They only hoped Arizona would let the second opinion help her.

A day later, Barbara Robbins stood up from her seat by the side of Arizona's bed. Arizona eyed her wearily, but let her lips curl into a small smile at her. Barbara knew immediately that the smile was fake, but she was just glad Arizona was finally acknowledging her and not just staring off into space. She smiled back and went to take Arizona's hand, but shot her hands back and looked to her daughter with an apologetic smile. Arizona's smile disappeared and she went back to staring out the window. Barbara sighed and sat back down.

Moments later Arizona's father stepped into the room and sat next to Barbara. "So, did you speak with the grant committee?"

Arizona nodded after glancing at her father and then turned her eyes back to the window. She watched the white fluffy cloud slowly pass by her window. The silence in the room was thick and she could feel its weight on her chest. She turned back to her parents, both whom were still staring at her.

"You can speak with them, but not with us? I know you went through a tragic event, Arizona, but you need to talk to us."

His voice was authoritative and forced Arizona to swallow the lump that settled in her throat. She licked her lips and sighed deeply. "They sent someone to take my place." Her voice was soft and she cringed slightly knowing that she needed to finish, "…I agreed to keep quiet for a large settlement as long as they kept me as the winner of the grant. They were more than happy to agree to the terms, since newspapers getting word of the fact their star lesbian pediatric surgeon was attacked and basically forced into retirement would equal bad press. This way, they can control the media frenzy." She watched her father's face turn bright red. He wasn't happy. "Thank you, Daddy, for saving me, but I'd like to go home now. I'm sure I can do wound care as an out-patient."

"Sure, honey, we'll get you home and discharged then, if that's what you want." He nodded and looked at Barbara who nodded back to him.

"No, not to your home, I want to go to home to Seattle."

"You have nowhere to go there, Arizona. You have no apartment, no job, no gi—" The Colonel stopped when Barbara slapped his arm. He rubbed the spot and shrugged at her.

Arizona knew what he was going to say and she couldn't stop the tears from welling up her eyes, but she wasn't about to start crying in front of her father. "Yes, thank you for the reminder, Colonel," Arizona spoke coldly and rolled her eyes, "but the world doesn't end because Arizona Robbins became the victim of a hate crime. That's not who you raised me to be. I'll find my way. I need time to figure things out and the best place for me to do that is home in Seattle. There are good hospitals there with talented doctors."

Barbara perked up at that, "I know a wonderful orthopedic surgeon at Seattle Grace – Mercy West who would probably be happy to not only help you, but see you as well."

Arizona's eyes floated back to the clear window in the room. She noted how blue the sky looked and wondered if Tim really was watching her. She swallowed another lump that formed in her throat and shook her head slightly. "No, no, there are other hospitals. I'll make an appointment with someone in Seattle Presbyterian. So really, just let me go. Money isn't really an object anymore. Between the insurance I had on my hands and the settlement with the grant committee…" She shrugged slightly and completely steamrolled Barbara's attempt to bring Callie up.

"If that's what you want, Arizona, I'll talk to your doctor and set everything up for you. I'll miss you though." The Colonel leaned down and kissed her on the temple and Barbara did the same. "We love you, honey." They decided to let her have her way, since she was going through such a difficult time and they didn't want to add anymore to her stress.

"I love you both too."

It took three days to get Arizona set up in Seattle. The Colonel and Arizona both shopped around online until they found an apartment she liked which was close to Seattle Presbyterian. Due to the damage to her hands, Arizona had trouble doing the smallest things, like getting dressed and even feeding herself, so she insisted on being within walking distance of the hospital. Barbara decided she would stay with Arizona for a couple of weeks, to ensure things with the apartment went well and to help Arizona as best she could. Arizona was too weak to argue with her, especially after she reminded Arizona it was her or a live in nurse. Arizona relented and went about ensuring the apartment would be furnished and fully stocked before their arrival. Given the situation with her hands, Arizona was quite happy at how much she could accomplish online, despite the amount of pain and effort it took for her to type.

All of Arizona's medical records were sent over early and she spoke with Dr. Wilson Harris prior to leaving Maryland. He said that her case was severe, due to the damage to the bone structure in her hands as well as the small amounts of cartilage she lost in her hand. There isn't much there to begin with, so without fixing this damage, the likely hood of getting full range of motions in her hands was slim. He informed her that he called in a specialist regarding her case and when she arrived for her first appointment, he would take new x-rays and re-perform tests she's been through at least a dozen times and all of this would be shared with the specialist so they could better decide a plan of action. Arizona couldn't argue that logic and they made an appointment to meet the day after she arrived in Seattle.

"Wow, honey, this apartment is much nice than it appeared online. And it's decorated so nicely, but why are the walls so dark? I didn't think you would like such a dark blue on the walls. Maybe we should call a painter and change it a bit? Maybe a nice off white with a hint of yellow, it would look really nice against that red couch, don't you think?" Barbara was wandering around the apartment and making sure all the furniture and items they ordered were placed correctly. She didn't comment on how much the apartment looked like pieces she saw from the apartment she shared with Callie from their Skype conversations. She was hoping she could get Arizona to open up a little bit by talking about redecorating the apartment.

"I like it," was all I could reply. I couldn't tell my mother that it reminded me of Calliope. The entire apartment did, I suppose that was why I went ahead and agreed to this one. It almost felt like she was here with me. I shake my head slightly, trying to shake thoughts of Calliope from my mind. I didn't realize how heavy I would feel being in the same city as the woman I love. I feel like she's everywhere and surrounding me and I'm suffocating every time I realize she's not here. I'm lost, drowning in a sea of darkness, in a world where Calliope doesn't want me. A world I created. "I'm going to bed." I slowly walked to the bedroom and attempted to close the door with one of my bandaged hands, only to grimace in pain. I feel the heat of frustration cloud over my mind and wash over my entire being like magma. I just want to scream and slam my useless hands into the closest wall, but what good would that do, make them more useless than they already are?

"Arizona… it's only five and we haven't eaten yet…" My mother's voice trembled slightly, but I just couldn't deal with her right now.

"I'm not hungry!" I kicked the door with my foot as hard as I could and feel a moment of pure satisfaction as it slammed shut. I took a deep breath, hoping it would quell the anger which was raging within me. Feeling anger was better than feeling helpless, which is what I'd been feeling before. You don't realize how important your hands are until you can't use them. Calling my mother to help me whenever I needed to use the restroom was degrading and I suddenly thought that perhaps a nurse would have been a better choice. I didn't bother to try and change my clothing, it would be futile, so I just toed off my shoes and socks and then crawled into bed, praying for sleep as soon as possible and perhaps a small part of me wished that I wouldn't wake up.

I wake up in a cold sweat just a mere three hours later. My new nightmares make the tiny coffins seem tame. The man in the white beret continues to plague me, his mark of disapproval and hate is all over my hands and the fear he instilled in me will likely linger in my mind for the rest of my life. Tonight's nightmare has me shaking in bed. I pull myself up and lean my back against the headboard. I pull my knees in close to my chest and rock myself as I cry. Calliope… My Calliope wearing that white beret and laughing at me, telling me I've gotten what I deserved for what I did to her. I know the real Calliope would never do such a thing, but my mind just loves to torment me. I no longer have any distractions and being back in Seattle has just made me realize how badly I ruined my life. I had everything, a wonderful career, friends and the most beautiful girlfriend and now, now what do I have other than pain and suffering? After I calm myself down, I move to lie on my back and stare through the window in my bedroom. The darkened sky is cloudless and the stars sparkle like diamonds. I should have married Calliope.