A final chapter of a long fanfiction from SS19? You are as surprised as I am, honestly. Nine years on, here is the final and concluding chapter to Tricks of the Mind. Thank you so much for all of your support, comments and feedback; this has always been a hard piece to write, but I hope I bring it to a satisfying conclusion. With all my love, as always ~ SS19

Tricks of the Mind
Chapter 20 of 20

"I must admit, I am surprised."

Severus ignored the voice behind him.

"With your pride and all; I would have thought…alas, it appears that does not matter, Severus – my opinion of you."

He straightened his back, "Quite."

"But to run and to hide – almost cowardly, no, not even almost – to wait for Lord Voldemort to find you and to drag you out – a shame." Albus Dumbledore's tone was strangely polite, and yet it still managed to grate on Severus and cause him to grit his teeth – or maybe that was because he knew what Dumbledore was now. "You have such potential, Severus."

He knew that. He knew he had such potential; but would he ever be able to establish that, here, at Hogwarts? No. The more he considered it, the more he had never been able to achieve even a fraction of his potential because while Albus Dumbledore was in charge he would never be favoured, never be permitted, never be freed.

Particularly now with what Dumbledore was, and had done to him, clear to him. Severus tightened his fist around the strap of his rapidly filled bag hanging from his shoulder. How grateful he was that he had hit his head; how grateful he was that his mind, actively and consciously sheltering him from what Dumbledore had done, had chosen to tell him – to give him enough doubt for him to think about it further – to have the courage to try – and now the fortitude to walk away from it all.

Next to him, safely ensconced in her little travelling basket, Mesi mewled cautiously. He glanced down, inhaled through his nose, and turned back to face Dumbledore. "Anything else, or I will take my leave. I hope my replacement works as hard for you as I have."

"Replacing you will be difficult, Severus; not impossible, granted, but difficult." Dumbledore opened his arms with his palms held upward, "You can still change your mind, if you wish, Severus. I understand that you must feel very confused and under much stress- "

"No, Dumbledore, for the first time I do not feel confused, and I feel strangely relieved that I no longer have to pander to your every whim." He had no fear about facing the older wizard now. To him Dumbledore was no more pathetic than the Dark Lord; a liar, a manipulator, deceived and deluded and daft.

Neither would receive his brilliance.

"Severus – though I do not appreciate your tone – I will warn you that the spell that lies on you will make it, as I have said before, difficult for you should you walk away from me." The voice was soft now, and whether it was artificial or genuine concern Severus did not care to know. "I wonder, Dumbledore, will it be the same for you? Will you suffer, at my loss?"

A slight narrowing of the eyes.

"I thought not. Every manipulation favours the spider. I can live with it, Dumbledore, by not having to live with you. I wish you luck in your war. I hope you live to see the end."

"You will come back, Severus."

He turned away. "No."

"I know your heart, Severus; and it is mine. Walk away, indulge yourself in a freedom that is false and fractured, and then see what happens – who you seek – when the Death-Eaters track you down and make you pay for your betrayal of the Dark Lord." Footsteps made it clear that Dumbledore had come closer, and Severus held his ground, unwilling to move away for that would show fear or – yielding. "I would like to keep you safe, Severus; that is why I rescued you from Azkaban; that has never been a lie. I truly believe that you can redeem yourself, I genuinely believe you deserve a second chance."

A pause. Severus refused to accept that his eyes were suddenly burning.

"I am not proud of what I did, Severus. I accept that I did it for the right reasons; but that does not mean I am proud of it. It was a different time."

He spoke to the grand and ornate doors before him, "If you could release it now, would you? Is your trust, is all I have shown you these past thirteen years, enough?"

Lingering lack of response. He turned his head, and Dumbledore was looking the other way. He knew the answer then, but still, still, he needed the truth, he needed the reply, and if it was a lie, maybe he would still accept that as truth, just to sooth something deep within him that screamed for that affection, that confirmation of worthiness, his greatest weakness, "Look at me. Would you release it?"

Blue eyes surveyed him.

"If you wish events were so different; if you are truly not proud of it, would you do otherwise, would you release me now from serving your will, from being nothing more than a servant, no, less than that, from being nothing?"

He could tell Dumbledore was not going to lie.

"If it guarantees me the end of the war; no."

Severus shook his head slowly in reaction, "If you had given me the choice, again, Dumbledore, after a little thought, after a little time away from the Dementors that tormented me – " His voice caught and he hated himself for it, "I would have given you anything – willingly – I would have guaranteed you the end of the war, I would have died for the end of the war."

"That I could not trust."

"You, I cannot trust. I cannot trust that you would come to rescue me if the Dark Lord found out; I cannot trust that you would be there to piece me together; I cannot trust that you will not leave me when my usefulness to you expires." He inclined his head, "Thank you for your hospitality these past years, Headmaster."

"Does love mean nothing to you, then, Severus? My love; for you? The proud father; the supportive mentor?"

Where once before he would have seen all he had ever wanted; now he saw through it; and what he saw now was feeble and wretched and most of all pitiful. "More lies, Dumbledore?"

"You will never know that for sure. You are making a mistake, Severus. You are choosing the wrong path."

"Perhaps." Severus murmured, "But at least I am making it. At least I am choosing it."

"You will come back."

"Perhaps."

"You will."

Severus was going to answer; how he longed to answer, in the negative, to throw it back at Dumbledore one more time, but he chose not to.

No longer would Dumbledore know his hand of cards.

Instead, he chose, to walk away.

The first chapter of the sequel Fractured Freedom will be published in September 2020. Thank you for reading 'Tricks of the Mind'. ~ SS19