Okay so last night when I posted this, I didn't give a proper introduction, and well, I'm back to edit it before I go to work. I was in the car on my way to visit my new baby cousin at the hospital, and The Harold Song by Kesha came on my iPod, and I had some sort of epiphany and I really wanted to write Kames angst. Um, warnings for this; there's mentions of sex, and a character death. I cried while writing it, but then again, I'm a big baby who lives for stuff like this, so yeah. Enjoy :)

Disclaimer; I do not own Big Time Rush or this idea, because I'm sure tons of people wrote stuff like this before.

They say that true love hurts? Well this; could almost kill me.

Sleep was something that was usually never hard to find for him. But lately, it has been. The bed that was so usually occupied by another person beside himself, had become vacant. Tossing and turning never helped, it had only made him more tired, and no matter how much he tried, sleep never came. He sighed, pushing the blankets that had felt ten times heavier than before onto the floor, and hopped out of bed. He went over to his closet, grabbed the backpack that had been put away years before, and dusted it off, walking over towards his dresser, pulling out sweatpants and a t-shirt and stuffing them inside. He walked back over to the foot of the bed, pulling one of the blankets from the heap in front of him, and pushed that into his bag and zipped it up. Grabbing the extra pillow next to him, (it was his anyway) and walked out of the room, stopping in the doorway to look back. He stood for a minute, pretending he was still laying down with the one he missed the most, holding each other for the night. If he looked hard enough, he could almost see himself, and the other boy who had owned the other half of his bed, clasped together as if life depended on it. He let out a shaky breath, closing the door to the bedroom, before quietly making his way towards the living room window.

He pushed the window up, taking in the air that had blown through, pushing his hair back. He took it in, a breath of fresh air felt like the exact thing he needed right now. He threw his bag down onto the ground before climbing out, pushing it closed, and picking his bag up. There was one place he needed to be on nights like this.

Rewind two years.

"Kendall?"

James sat up from his place next to Kendall on their blanket, looking up into a sky of stars. The two found the night to be a perfect one to lay together under the stars until they found sleep. The blonde turned his head, reaching one hand up, rubbing it up and down his boyfriend's back. "Yeah Jamie?"

The brunette looked down. "I'm scared to even ask this…but do you really believe we're gonna be together for a long time?" A look of terror painted his face, as he looked down, the blonde just smiling, the moonlight illuminating his face perfectly to make him look almost like an angel. Kendall sat up, wrapping an arm around the taller boy's shoulders, pulling him closer to him.

"Of course I believe it. What's not to believe about it? We're perfect, Jamie. We go together."

"But the whole Hollywood thing. People don't accept us. People say we're gonna go to hell because we're gay-"

"James listen to me. I don't care what anyone has to say about us. Whether they accept us or not, it's not their relationship. It's ours. I don't think God would've made us gay if he weren't going to accept us. Logan and Carlos accept us. My mom and Katie accept us. Your mom is more than accepting of us. You have nothing to worry about. I love you, and you love me. That's all there is to it."

The taller boy smiled, leaning over so his head was resting against his boyfriend's shoulder, his body getting closer and closer to the others. James wrapped his arm around Kendall's waist, tilting his face up to place a soft kiss to his cheek, the scruff apparent on his face scratching at his lips. "Kendall you gotta shave."

"You love my scruff, shut up." the blonde boy laughed, and James just relaxed back, pulling Kendall down onto the blanket again, wrapping both arms around his waist, and pulling them flush together. "I do love your scruff. And I love you."

"I love you too, James. Forever. I promise." James looked at Kendall, smiling softly before bringing their lips together.

"Forever."

James pulled the hood to his sweatshirt over his head as he approached the gate, pulling out a key to the lock. Stealing was never in his best interest, but he made exceptions in desperate measures. When the lock was open, he slipped in, closing and relocking the gate, and dropped the key back into his pocket. He began his walk, taking twists and turns when necessary until he reached where his destination. He looked down, a sad smile on his lips, tears stinging his eyes. He read the words in front of him, dreading them every single time.

"Kendall Donald Knight
1993-2011"

The brunette pulled his backpack off his shoulders, setting it and his pillow down next to the tombstone of his boyfriend, and kneeled down in front of it. He wiped at the tear that had started to fall, and sniffled. "Hi Kendall." his voice shook, speaking the name of the one person he never wanted to leave. They rarely ever talked about him, knowing that it always upset James. It upset anyone to speak of him, he was loved by nearly everyone he came in contact with. "I miss you a lot. And I brought you something."James reached over into his backpack, pulling out a single guitar pick and a roll of tape, ripping a piece off, and taping it to the top. "I know it's stupid, but I just thought you'd wanna have it. So you can play guitar. You never did teach me, you know."

Minnesota. Seven years old.

"Kenny!" James bound into the blonde boy's house and up the stairs to his room. Kendall sat quietly on his bed, guitar in hand as he flipped through the book his dad gave him before picking the guitar back up and strumming along to the things written across the page. James knocked quietly on the door. "Kenny? What're you doing?"

"Oh, hi Jamie. My daddy gave me a guitar the other day, and he said I could practice it. It's really cool, do you wanna hear something?" James nodded excitedly, sitting down in the chair across from the bed, spinning around in it a little before settling and facing Kendall, as he started playing different chords, James watching intently. He watched as Kendall moved his fingers across the neck, pressing down when needed, his other hand strumming the strings. When Kendall put the guitar down, James jumped off the chair and hopped up on the bed next to the blonde. "Whoa, Kenny, you're really good."

"Thanks Jamie. I still gots to get better though, but it's a lot of fun."

"Will you teach me when you get really good?"

Kendall smiled, hopping off the bed and walking to the door, James following behind. "Sure. Now let's go see if mommy has anything good to eat before Carlos and Logie get here."

A clap of thunder broke his thoughts, as he zipped his bag back up, sitting in front of Kendall, or what represented him. He held his breath, trying his hardest not to let his strength slip away. "I'm sorry, baby. I did this to you." And he knew that if Kendall were still here, he would be smacking him on the back of his head, saying it wasn't his fault. "I can never forgive myself for doing this to you. If it weren't for me, maybe I'd be at home sleeping, and you'd be sleeping next to me. I wouldn't be t-talking to you like this.." His voice began to crack, and he mentally smacked himself for losing it. Nothing will ever let him forget that tragic day. He looked down, pulling the fabric of his sweatshirt up just slightly, revealing an angry red scar running from the left side of his hip, to the middle of his stomach. And looking at the constant reminder of what happened, his strength, and his sanity slowly began to disappear. The tears began to fall, and the sobs began to wrack through his body.

"James!"

Kendall ran as fast as his feet could carry him, up the stairs to apartment 2J, which definitely made more sense than the elevator because he would've ended up breaking it anyway. When he finally reached the apartment, the door couldn't open fast enough, and his mom almost screamed with the way he bound into the room. "Mom, where's James!"

Mrs. Knight, very aware of his son's relationship with the other boy, just laughed and pointed to the bathroom. "He's taking a shower."

The blonde just ran faster, pushing the door open to find James standing in front of the mirror, a towel wrapped tightly around his hips. He jumped back a few feet. "Kendall, oh my gosh, what is wrong with you, you almost gave me a-"

"I got it!"

Kendall just smiled wider, holding up a square piece of plastic to his boyfriend, and James smiled back at the excited blonde boy, taking the license from him, and looking it over before wrapping his arms around the shorter boy's neck, pulling him in for a kiss. "I'm so proud of you, baby."

A pair of arms wrapped tightly around his waist, pulling them closer together, the kiss immediately turning heated. James reluctantly pulled away, smiling at Kendall's noise of disapproval. "Let me get dressed, and we'll go for a drive, okay?"

"Don't I get birthday sex? I mean come on, it IS my birthday…"

"That's for tonight, after dinner, Kendall. Don't rush the goods. Patience is a virtue, my love."

Kendall sighed in defeat, turning on his heels. "Fine. But I expect one hell of an amazing birthday present later."

After James had gotten his pants on, (much to Kendall's dismay and argument that he was already undressed, they might as well had done it right in the bathroom,) he walked out into the living room, pulling a black wife beater and a t-shirt, ignoring Kendall's mumble of "you should just go shirtless for the rest of your life," and held his hand out. "Come on, birthday boy, you're driving me somewhere."

Kendall smiled, grabbing James' hand and lacing their fingers together, walking towards the door. They walked down the hallway and out into the fresh LA air and towards Kendall's new car that his mom had surprised him with that morning. James sat in the passengers seat, as Kendall got into his side, turning the key in the ignition, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot.

"Now where are we going?"

James laughed as he gave Kendall a few directions, not once telling him the surprise he had for him. He planned to take him to a secluded area that he had found, that had overlooked the whole city, and give him a birthday he would never forget. Sure, it was a little weird, considering it was totally out of his and Kendall's comfort zone, going on such a romantic date, but he knew Kendall would love it either way. As they passed through an intersection, Kendall stole a quick glance at James, smiling widely. James had then leaned over to give Kendall a quick kiss, wondering how in the world he managed to become so lucky to have a boyfriend like Kendall. Then everything went black.

James woke up, very unsure of where he was, unsure of everything that had been happening. He first realized he was in the hospital when he went to move, and he felt two things on his arm. An IV in one, and someone's hand gripping his own. He looked down to see Mama Knight, holding his hand and crying softly, Logan behind her, rubbing her back. He had tears in his eyes, but he kept his own, staying strong for the sake of the woman in front of him. It then occurred to him that Mrs. Knight should've been with Kendall. Where was Kendall?

"M-Mama Knight?"

The tired woman looked up, a look of relief taking over her features. "Oh, James, honey, thank God you're awake." She stood up from her position in the chair beside his bed, placing a hand on his warm cheek. The tears still slid slowly down her face, and a knot had begun to form in the pit of his stomach. "Where's Kendall? What happened? Why am I here?"

Logan looked down at his feet, his shoulders slightly shaking. Mrs. Knight looked back at the small boy, who had looked like he was about to break into a million pieces as he excused himself and left the room. She sat back down, taking hold of his hand again. "James, do you remember what happened?"

"All I really remember was…me and Kendall driving, I was gonna take him somewhere for his birthday."

She nodded, taking a deep breath, like it could've made her just a little bit stronger. "Well, honey, you two were going through an intersection, and-and a drunk driver ran a red light. You got hurt pretty bad, but-Kendall, he…" she then dropped her head onto his arm, strong sobs escaping her throat. It finally fit together. Kendall was dead. He had lived through the accident, and Kendall didn't. He leaned over to kiss him.

He killed Kendall.

James wiped the tears from his cheeks, looking back down at Kendall's grave. "I miss you so much Kendall. It hurts so bad. I can't even sleep anymore without you." He pulled his bag back up onto his shoulders, never once taking his eyes of the name. "Wait for me, Kenny. Please. Just wait for me."

On shaky legs, he stood up and walked back towards the gate, not once stopping to look back in fear of breaking down again. He unlocked the gate again, pushing them open and all but sprinting back down the street towards his apartment. When he finally made it back, he opened the window, throwing his bag in before hopping up and inside, barreling his way towards his room. The second he was inside, he closed the door, dropped himself onto his bed, and let go. He let the tears run, the screams that had built up had escaped into his pillow, and every memory had begun flooding back.

Two hours later, and no more tears left to cry, James had turned over onto his side, reaching up for his phone. He flipped it open, smiling at the background, before scrolling through his contact list. He reached his name, and hit send. After a few dial tones, he smiled even wider when a familiar voice entered his ears. Hey, it's Kendall, so you obviously reached my voicemail. Either I really don't wanna talk to you, or I'm not near my phone. I most likely ignored your call, so leave me a message, and if I get a chance when I'm not being dumb, I'll call you back. Thanks!

He ended the call before the beep, smiling. Sure, it was a little cliché, but he couldn't help it. Hearing his voice seemed to soothe him just a little bit more, and it helped him a little bit more, because soon after, his eyes grew heavy, and his body began to relax. He reached over, grabbing his headphones and iPod, turning it on and finding a peaceful sleep. Dreaming almost always promised him that he'd get to see Kendall. And James found that he was pretty much okay with that.

The life is fading from me while you watch my heart bleed. Young love murdered, that is what this must be. I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.

I realize that the ending was sort of rushed, but while I was writing it, I started to cry, and I got a major migraine before the ending, so that's why I kind of rushed it. I might have started sobbing when I was writing Kendall's name and date like it would be on a tombstone...omg no not again :'( But anyways, you all do know I love reviews, right? :)