The Purity Test

Author's Note: Here is the final chapter! I apologize for it taking longer than expected, but yay, I got it done! For this chapter a big thanks goes out to Brumeier, Lady Irish Rose, and BlackBulletButterfly for providing me with some fun insight that I used for the answers to a few of the questions. Also, these three deserve a huge thanks for being my consistent reviewers because it means a lot to hear from you guys. So, here you go, and Brumeier, I hope you enjoy what I've done with your request.

Chapter Four: Questions 34 to 44

Alice glared at him. "What can you possibly get done in fifteen minutes?"

"I can…kiss you all along your body, and we could have a quickie."

"Naked naps are not for quickies," Alice pointed out.

Hatter jumped up. "Ah ha! I knew you liked the naked naps!" he exclaimed triumphantly.

"I never said I didn't like them. I just don't want to have a naked nap with you thinking about Carlotta St. Delaware having sex with us."

"You don't even know what she looks like!" Hatter said sarcastically.

"Oh? And are you saying that if I did, that…what, Hatter?"

He opened his mouth; a gurgling sound emerged before he clamped it shut. "I…never said any such thing."

Alice pulled the blanket back over her, and placed the laptop onto her knees. "Uh huh. Well, should we continue to see if you will piss me off even more?"

"How do you know that I'll piss you off? You piss me off sometimes."

"At least I don't go around having threesome with people," she muttered.

"Oh, gods. Just get on with the next question." Hatter fixed his hat back on his head, and settled on the couch.

"Fine. Have you ever used physical strength, physical power as a factor in a pick up?" she asked.

"What, like, using it to impress someone?"

"Yeah."

Hatter smirked. "Well, what? My physical strength on the roof didn't impress you?"

"Were you intending to impress me?"

"I was hoping that would be a side effect. A kind of eye opener to how much better than Jack I was." He pointed at her. "Besides, I also pulled you from the lake when we fell in. Did that work?"

"You did that on purpose too?"

"Well, I was trying to save your life, you know, not have you drown, but-"

Alice smiled. "Were you always trying to impress me?"

Hatter groaned. "Gods, yes woman!"

"Well…I will admit being a tad impressed when you punched the Jabberwock for me."

"Why didn't you show me how much you appreciated it?"

"And how would you have liked me to show you?"

"A hug," he replied.

She raised her eyebrows. "A hug?"

"A kiss, really. But, yeah, I would've taken any excuse to feel your body against mine."

"Is that why you kept asking for a hug?"

He shrugged. "Maybe."

Alice smiled. "That's sweet. Well, I for one never used physical strength to impress someone I wanted."

"Oh, bullocks. Like you didn't try to impress Jack with your fancy judo moves?" Hatter asked, striking a pose with his hands.

Alice blushed. "No…"

"Ha! Bullshit!"

"Shut up," she mumbled. "Next question: have you ever masturbated?"

Hatter rolled his eyes. "Bloody hell, of course I have. Oh, and fuck, that week you went on vacation with your mum? I believe I must've wanked off twice a day."

"Twice?" Alice exclaimed.

"Look, you weren't there in the morning, and I like to press myself against the curve of your bum, so when I don't get that…" he shrugged. "And, plus, those sexy texts you sent me didn't exactly help the cause."

"Not even the ones of the picture of me in my suit?"

"Especially not the pictures of you in your suit." Hatter bit his lip. "I may have a confession."

Alice winced. "Do I want to hear this?"

"Probably not."

"Well, now you have to tell me!" she demanded.

"Fine. Do you remember when we had a little spat at Charlie's? By the fire?"

"How could I forget? You said we could argue about it later."

"I may have gotten in a good tug here and there after that, thinking of you sucking me off," Hatter admitted.

"Oh, my god!" She blushed, a smile creeping on her face.

"Yeah, well, can you blame me?" He grinned. "Tell me yours."

"I've masturbated."

"And…?"

"And…yeah."

"Do I need to get you drunk in order for you to tell me this? Pour some liquor in your coffee?"

Alice stuck her tongue out at him. "No. Okay, if I tell you this…you have to promise to never tell anybody else."

"Who would I even tell?"

"Your co-workers," Alice retorted.

"No! C'mon, spit it out."

She sighed. "Okay. I discovered one night while I was watching tv, that if the tip of the remote hit me in just the right spot, that…I would, um, feel this, you know, burning hit me."

Hatter started to snicker. "How old were you?"

"Thirteen, I think."

"So, you're telling me that you would use something like that," he nodded over at the remote for their television, "and pleasure yourself with it?"

"I never actually put it in me. I just…kind of rubbed it over my underwear." She blushed. "Happy now?"

He grinned, and nodded. "I never knew you could be such a dirty girl."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Really? Never?"

Hatter pursed his lips; his dimples threatening to emerge. "Okay, I may have seen a hint here and there."

She shook her head. "Have you ever masturbated with someone else? Um…nope."

"I think that's a bloody shame," Hatter said, his brown eyes darkening. "We could have a bit of a toss with it."

"I'm guessing you've done it then."

Hatter shrugged. "Once or twice."

Alice lifted her eyes off the screen. "Once or twice?"

"I want to do that with you. Do you know how hot that would make me to watch you touch yourself?"

She shook her head; the heat rising to her face. "I don't know if I'm ready for that. I mean, I've never…done that in front of anybody before."

"It's fun, and I love it when you scream. Yeah? So…."

"Have you done that with Carlotta St. Delaware?" Alice asked, her voice hitching up.

"What haven't I done with Carlotta St. Delaware?" Hatter chuckled. He glanced over at Alice. "But…your pussy is much better. And I want to see your fingers in it."

"You're so…"

"What?"

She giggled. "Bad." Alice bit her lower lip. "Okay. I believe that can be arranged."

"When? Now?" Hatter leaned over her, placing kisses up her arm. "We can start the naked nap."

"No! Not now!" She grinned, and gave him a quick kiss. "I thought you wanted to see how rich you would be."

"Hmm, true. Go on."

"Have you ever given a sympathy fuck?" Alice made a face. "Oh, god no."

"Oh, c'mon, there was never some poor little computer geek who you took pity on, and satisfied his fantasies?" he asked.

"No. The closest I ever came to that were these guys that my friend Sarah met at this party. She, for some screwed up reason, told them that I was from England."

"What?"

Alice nodded. "Yeah, so I had to do an accent like yours for the rest of the night for these guys and-"

"Whoa, whoa." Hatter held his hands up. "Why did Sarah, and I'm assuming this is the Sarah I know, why did she ever tell them that?"

"I don't know. I think she just wanted to have some fun, and these guys were kind of…" Alice groaned. "Oh, this is going to sound mean, because it's not like I was Miss Popular or anything, but, this one guy seemed so into hanging around this 'British' girl that I…well, I made out with him."

"What happened when he found out that you were not British?" Hatter asked.

"I don't think he ever did. Never saw him again, so…" Alice grinned. "I remember him telling me that he ran some kind of creature sighting website, or like, I don't know, some prehistoric creature website."

"Ahh, he was just happy that he got to snog a girl as hot as you."

"Stop!" Alice giggled. "You know, I'm sure some girl hotter than me discovered his quirkiness and loves it."

"Well, I'm lucky that you didn't give him a sympathy fuck," Hatter said.

"Oh?"

"Well, yeah, because then he would want to be with you, and thus you wouldn't have fallen for foppish Jack, and…you wouldn't have met me."

"And I would've had to keep up a British accent, or, reveal that I lied to him."

"After having sex with you, he wouldn't have cared."

She blushed. "Stop! You haven't even told me if you've even done that."

"Um, a sympathy fuck?" Hatter chuckled uneasily. "It's happened, um, not very often, but I've done it."

"Like, to who?"

"Just some girls who have shown up to the Tea parties, and," Hatter shrugged. "I think everybody needs to be shagged really good, at least once in their life, yeah?"

Alice furrowed her brow. "You're saying it like you did them a favor."

"Um…" Hatter thought for a moment. "In a way I did. If the others saw that I shagged them, then-"

"Oh, my god!" she exclaimed. "Those poor girls! They probably thought you were really interested in them!"

"Like that poor bloke thought you were interested in him?"

Alice glared at him. "Touché, Hatter." She scribbled his initial down. "I'm not giving myself a point for that."

"Only making me richer, baby."

"Hmmm. Okay, have you ever initiated sex for the sole purpose of having sex?" She raised her eyebrows at him. "My answer is yes."

"Well, I do remember a couple of times you just wanted to bang me when I got home from work," Hatter pointed out.

"Ah, true, but I'm not exactly referring to you," Alice replied. "You remember Brian, the guy I told you about? The one I dated in college?"

"Uh huh…" he looked at her suspiciously.

"We broke up, primarily because I kept pushing him away, but…the sex was good, so a couple of times I wall call him, IM him, whatever, and we would just…" Alice shrugged. "It was fun, you know? And he was really, really good at doing things to my toes." She smiled brightly at Hatter. "So, is that a yes for you as well?"

"Yes, but…toes? What did he do to your toes?" Hatter asked, sitting up.

"Oh, he just…he was quite adept with his tongue," she replied, punctuating the last word. "Never met anyone else who could do that."

"Do what?"

"Stuff to my toes." She flexed her legs out, and lifted a pointed foot in Hatter's face. "Hmmm. So, you would have sex with women just to have sex? Those regular women, right?"

"I…" Hatter glanced at her feet. "Yes, but…so he would suck your toes?"

"More like…make love to my toes." Alice giggled. "Never thought of my feet in that way before." She cleared her throat. "Are you ready for the next question?"

"Wait…does this Brian still live here?"

"Yeah. He lives in Brooklyn."

"Oh." Hatter gave her a small smile. "That's nice," he added through gritted teeth.

"So, the next question is: have you ever cheated on someone?" Alice poised her pen over the paper. "You answer first."

"I've never…never really been in a relationship that…there's you, and of course chocolate and cream cake girl. I've never cheated on you."

"Oh, but with her?"

"Wonderland was different, and it wasn't until…it wasn't until I met you that-" He blushed. "Nothing."

Alice smiled. "What? Tell me."

"I guess I never thought of anybody but myself, yeah?" Hatter continued. "So…I wouldn't even think twice about kissing someone."

"And now?"

"Well…why would I kiss someone else when I can kiss you?"

"But, you still wouldn't mind having a threesome with me," she pointed out.

"Every man in Wonderland and Earth wants a threesome, and besides, it's not cheating because you would still be involved," Hatter replied. "What about you, Alice?"

"I will admit to cheating once."

"Ah, on Jack, yeah? When you almost kissed me at Charlie's?"

"You almost kissed me!" Alice retorted. "And, no. I wasn't referring to that. I was in college and I had been seeing this guy Matt for, like, three weeks. And my friend had this birthday party, and Amanda brought these two guys with her." She blushed. "His name was Josh, and…Amanda and I had a little private party with Josh and Ryan in her room, with Josh and I making out on one bed, and Amanda and Ryan in the other."

Hatter grinned. "Bad girl."

"It was so weird, and surreal, you know? I had never done that before."

"Did Josh have good toe sucking skills?" he asked sarcastically.

Alice looked up from the notebook. "Now look who's jealous."

Hatter crossed his arms over his chest. "Not jealous, just…curious."

"Mmm hmm. Whatever." She gave him a small smile. "So the next question is: have you ever had anal sex?" Alice groaned. "Of course that question is there, and you know my answer is no because you keep trying to convince me to do it."

He winked at her. "I think you would like it. I know I would."

"Right. 'Cause you've fucked, like ten women in the ass."

"No. Not ten." He scrunched his face up in thought. "Five."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Oh, I'm sorry. Off by five."

"Not that many women wanted to do it," Hatter mused.

"Gee, I wonder why. Maybe because it's not exactly comfortable?"

"Oh, but it is. I'll make you come first so you'll be all nice and relaxed, and then I'll-

"No!" Alice exclaimed. "I don't even understand. Why do you even want to do this, I mean, you've done it with others, do you know…"

Hatter climbed back over her; the heat from the computer blowing over his skin. "Because you're going to be so tight and hot, and it's kind of forbidden, yeah? And you're still a chase for me." He nuzzled his cheek against her ear.

She giggled. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, if I wanted some of these other women in a certain way, sometimes I just had to ask, and they would, um, present themselves." Hatter ran a finger over the curve of her breast. "But, you…you don't make anything easy. You make me work for everything, yeah?"

"Oh, I see." Alice smiled. "You think I'm making you work for this?"

"I always like a challenge," he murmured.

"No." She gently pushed him off. "You're going to have to give this…challenge, up."

Hatter tipped his hat at her. "One day, Alice. Don't think I'm going to let this go easily."

Alice sighed, and gave him a crooked smile. "Next question?" "Sure. Bring on my money!"

"You do realize that you don't actually get money for this, don't you?"

He gave her a withering stare. "Of course I realize that. But, when I win I immediately get to take in the room for a naked nap."

"And what if I win?" she asked.

"Give it up, Al. There's no way you will."

"We'll see." Alice scrolled down. "Okay, have you ever…allright, have you ever measured your penis?"

"I don't think you have one," Hatter chuckled.

"Ha ha. So, the answer is no, and also no, because I know what you're thinking, and no I've never measured any guys either." Alice narrowed her eyes at him. "Have you?"

"Measured another guy's? No."

She sighed. "That's not what I meant."

"I know." He grinned. "And, yes. I have."

"Oh?" Alice pursed her lips. "And? What was the result?"

"Seven inches."

"Bullshit," she replied, shaking her head.

"Oh? You don't believe me? Go get the tape measure from the kitchen," Hatter ordered.

"Fine." Alice put the notebook, and laptop down on the coffee table, and practically ran into the kitchen.

Hatter stood up, and walked over to the doorway; watching Alice's bare back as she bent over the open drawer. He reached his hand down to stroke at his cock, and let out a slight moan as Alice's legs parted a bit.

She swerved her head around, nearly dropping the measuring tape to the floor. "What are you doing?"

"Getting hard," he panted out. "I need to be hard for this." Hatter nodded to her. "Move your hands away from your chest. I want to see your tits."

Alice slowly lowered her hand. "Is all this so I can get a proper measurement?"

Hatter winked at her. "For the most part." He moaned. "Gods, you have the most bloody amazing tits."

Alice strung the tape measure out. "Are you ready?"

He looked down, and gave his cock one more tug. "Yeah. Go." Hatter rest his hands behind his head, watching as Alice got down on her knees with the tape measure stretched out on his erection. "Well?"

"Fine." Alice snapped the measuring tape shut. "You're right. Seven inches."

"Ha! Told you! Much bigger than Jack's, yeah?"

"I have no clue," she replied.

"Trust me. With the self importance that Jack was pulling at Charlie's, it was because he was over compensating for having a small penis."

Alice stood up. "And you fighting back with the stick? What was that?"

"Total and complete confidence in my cock size," he said, grinning at her.

"Oh, my god!" Alice threw the measuring tape on the kitchen table, and headed back into the living room. "Come on, only a few more questions, and besides, it looks like your seven inches has disappeared."

Hatter glanced down. "I can get it back."

"I know you can." She smiled. "Come on, next question: have you ever had sex outside? Yes. You?"

"Of course. There's nothing like having a quickie against the wall of an alley way in Wonderland, the girl's skirts pulled up."

"Yeah. That sounds, um…romantic," Alice muttered.

"Oi! There wasn't much of a chance for romance there, and besides sometimes I just liked to have a quickie, and if it meant that there was a chance I could get caught," Hatter shrugged, "bring it on."

"Was Carlotta St. Delaware one of those girls?"

"Ugh." He groaned. "I never should've mentioned her name."

"You first mentioned her in Wonderland," Alice pointed out.

"Well, that was a big mistake. When did you have sex outside?"

"I was dating that guy, Brian-"

"Oi, Brian again," Hatter complained.

"And, I went to hear this band play at this bar type of venue with him and some of our friends, and we all got really drunk," Alice continued, as if Hatter hadn't interrupted her. "And, I must've gotten really, really drunk because I agreed to go up to the roof with Brian, and he somehow had a blanket, and we…well, had hot sex on the roof at two in the morning."

Hatter's eyes widened. "You had sex on a roof?"

Alice winced. "I know, right? I remember being so freaked out when I woke up, that I was pretty much crying."

"Well, why don't we do it?" he asked.

"On a roof?" she exclaimed.

"No, no," he assured her. "I mean, taking you outside somewhere to have something to eat, a blanket, the stars?"

Alice smiled. "A fire?"

Hatter clicked his tongue, and nodded. "You do look good by a fire."

"As do you." Alice quickly jotted their initials down. "Okay, have you ever read someone's diary or private notes?"

"Sure, all the time."

"All the time?"

"You have to remember, Alice, I was working for the Resistance. But, of course the Queen, and, you know, those bloody idiots loyal to her didn't know that." He shrugged. "Of course I snuck through people's personal stuff to get information."

She bit her lip. "At least your reason sounds more noble than mine."

"What did you do?"

Alice sighed, and rolled her eyes. "Okay, in my defense, I was fifteen years old. I liked this guy at school, but, he was dating this girl named Jenn, so I basically became friends with her to get close to him." She glared as Hatter started snickering. "So, one night when I was sleeping over her house, I read her diary, you know about everything that she and this guy did…god, I was so pathetic."

Hatter nodded. "Not your greatest moment."

"I was fifteen!" Alice huffed. "There's one last question. You ready?"

"Go for it, my little fifteen year old stalker."

"Ugh. Okay, have you ever shaved your genital hair?"

Hatter turned to her; a horrified look on his face. "Why would anybody do that?"

"Um, I guess that's a no then," she mumbled.

"Do…do women in your world do that?" he asked.

"Sometimes."

"They would have…" Hatter waggled his eyebrows at her. "Ah, I would like to see you all shaved like that. Everything on display, yeah?"

"Keep dreaming 'cause I'm never doing it again."

"Again? Did you do it for some sad bloke?"

Alice shut her eyes. "No. It's a completely mortifying story, and I would prefer to forget it."

Hatter adjusted his hat, and crossed his arms over his chest. "You realize that now you have to tell me."

"I was at a party in college, and I was making out with this guy. We were both drunk, so we ended up in his room, but I slept in his roommate's bed." Alice groaned. "So, a couple days later, my whole…area was really itchy, and um, I checked it out, and apparently this guy's roommate had crabs because there were these little brown specks moving around down there."

Hatter covered his mouth with his hands. "Oh, bullocks."

"Yeah, I mean, I went to the doctor. I had to shave off all the hair there." Alice shuddered. "Never again, and it was so red, and itchy afterwards with the hair growing back…blech."

"I think sometimes you stories are more…colorful than mine," he commented.

"Oh." Alice chuckled. "I doubt that."

"Well, lets see, shall we? What's the final score?"

She pulled up the calculator on the computer. "Give me a minute. Lets see…um…mine is one hundred and nine dollars, and twenty cents, and yours is…fuck."

Hatter climbed over next to her. "What?"

"One hundred and ninety five dollars, and five cents," Alice whispered.

"Yes!" Hatter shouted. He jumped off the couch, and started to energetically run around the room. "Yes! I won! I won!"

"Actually, this means that you're kind of a man whore," she replied.

"I'm your man whore, and naked nap time!" he exclaimed. Hatter reached down, and scooped her up. "I'm thinking…some toe sucking should be first."

"Oh, god!"

"And, I should go down on you some more to eliminate all traces of Jack."

Alice grinned. "I think I forgot to tell you what Jack could do to my nipples."

Hatter's eyes darkened. "Oh, really?" He kicked the bedroom door open, and ungraciously dropped Alice on the bed. "Well," Hatter tossed his hat to the floor, "I think I should start there then, yeah?"

Author's Note: Whew! So, that ends that little journey! Thank you Brumeier for suggesting I write this, and thank you everyone for reading and reviewing. Up next…a little short story about Hatter, Alice, and….yoga.